Grandwastelandstudentsworld - Everything Is Disgusting - Tumblr Blog

Itd be funny as fuck if the world operated like how people with social anxiety think it does. Like what if you got on a bus and everyone was like wow look at that piece of shit loser. Get off the bus you ugly bastard

What's it like being a beautiful soul? Because all I've known to be is ugly.

My therapist asked me why I hurt myself when I know it makes me feel worse. And I answered, it’s because I know I deserve it.

The pain is a reminder of who I am

“What sucks is to watch yourself slowly fall back into old habits that you’ve tried a million times to break. It’s like every time I find myself climbing out of this deep hole, I slip right back in. Why am I such a failure?”

—

It’s sad when you fundamentally to your very core hate yourself as a human being.

Nothing makes you stop wishing you didn’t exist.

You believe that you don’t deserve to take up any space.

You try your hardest to make yourself as invisible as possible.

I don’t know if I will ever allow myself to believe that I belong here and that I matter.

Excerpts from a book I’ll never write // fundamental beliefs

Its always better when I'm not there. I completely understand too. If there was someone like me I'd prefer they take their negative ass as far away from me as possible.

"I hate you".

Thanks I hate myself too.

"You're so fucking annoying".

Sorry I got carried away with my excitement.

"It's none of your god damn business".

Sorry I didn't mean to care.

"I wish you're gone".

Me too.

"You don't deserve any of this".

I know I don't and I'm always feeling guilty about having it.

"You're so dramatic".

I'm sorry that I'm tired of hiding my feelings but I'll make sure to hide them again.

"Shut up".

Don't worry, I hate it when I talk too and if i could control it, I wouldn't utter a word.

"You're so fucking dumb".

I know...

"You're fake".

Because the real me is much worse than the fake me.

"You're so fucking sensitive".

I try to keep it to myself but its so hard sometimes.

having to be “mature” at a young age sucks bc you aren’t really “mature-mature” you’re a child playing at a maturity bc you don’t have the foundation to be the bigger person when conflict arrives so what you do is ignore it bc ignoring a problem and being happy about a resolution look the same to your inexperienced eyes. Then you get adults praising you for a development above your peers but you aren’t really developing. You’re stagnant. Your peers will grow up and experience things and make mistakes and grow from them but you will keep yourself in this box, ignoring things ignoring ignoring ignoring until one day you have to face the fact… it wasn’t maturity you had. It was fear. And now you’re an adult too and you make all of your choices based on an emotional risk/costs analysis bc you don’t know any emotion other than fear & you have to start healing from your own childhood by making peace that you weren’t really a mature child. You were just a child who was given too much to carry & didn’t know how to say “no”.

"Attachments were for addicts. People who craved the presence of others, for people who couldn’t even deal with themselves. Attachments were for people who couldn’t grasp control. Couldn’t tell their feelings to just fuck off, to just swallow them down like acidic poison, because that was the better option. That was the way to survive."

from -Dried Flower Leaves- by amourgcf

The worst crying is when you’re lying in bed, with your hand over your mouth so you don’t make a noise. The tears are running onto your pillow and your heart‘s breaking and you’re thinking of everything that made you cry, and your other hand is on your heart or stomach because they both hurt.

Sometimes I just sigh in relief that I don't get to be with the people that I badly want to be with because I think about the destructive trainwreck I am and I'm thankful they've been saved from me.

“I feel bad for existing”

— Thoughts I’ll never speak out loud

Have you ever stood in front of the mirror and thought “why would anyone ever love me?” 

My self esteem is so low it reached hell and made Satan sad