The Hole Is Part Of You. You Cannot Fill It. You Can Fill In The Space Around It, But You Cannot Fill

The hole is part of you. You cannot fill it. You can fill in the space around it, but you cannot fill the hole.

you laugh and I laugh and it is holy. to me this is religious, this joyous energy that exists between your body and mine. I want it, I crave it, it lifts me up, it gets me high. I raise my hands up to the sky and praise whoever created you each time I see your haunting smile. we sit and we talk and your knee is touching mine. I do not move and you do not move because we are friends. you are my friend. except…I move a little closer. I want more, I need more, I feel the pull and I cannot resist. I am sorry, I always want more.

I used to be a good ghost. I knew how to become invisible. I did well occupying empty corners, nodding but never uttering a word in the midst of lively conversation. I understood what it meant to sit back quietly, to watch the world unfold around me but to have no part in its unfolding. I am not as good at it now. I am angry. I am sad. I am hungry. I want to stand in the middle of the room, I want to join in the conversation. I want to force them to be aware of the sound of my voice. I want them to have to look me in the eye. I want to be seen. I am not a good ghost.

Who’s loneliness is up manifesting itself as a prolonged, deep pain in their chest?

I sit in the back, stealing glances of you in each moment I can. I stare at your back for hours. Your hair, your neck, your freckles, your skin. The longing is coming off of my body like a stench, like something so unbearably gross that you have to step away. I love you. I love your hair and your neck and your freckles and your skin. I will watch you like this for hours. I will stare at your back for days. If you smell what I am smelling, don’t mention it. Please. This longing is just for me. I am sorry, friend. I want more from you than what we have.

Every single month I am like “wow why am I going insane? I actually want to k*ll myself. I cannot be alive. I cannot do anything. I am the loneliest person in the entire universe.” And then I look at my tracker and it’s like “period in 1 day”