I Didn't Expect Much Comedy From The Iliad But Book V Has Me Cracking Up.

I didn't expect much comedy from The Iliad but Book V has me cracking up.

I mean don't get me wrong, there was a lot of bloodshed and violence. The whole chapter was a battle scene. But the end though. Ares just can't get a break 😂😂😂.

I mean first Aphrodite's mother references Ares getting trapped in a fucking vase for thirteen months (Thanatos was far luckier when Sisyphus bound and trapped him because the gods don't hate him) which is already funny as is since I'm familiar with that story.

But then Ares gets stabbed and complains to Zeus about Athena inciting Diomedes and his response to "father I've been stabbed, please control your daughter" is "shut up, I hate you and I regret that you were ever even born" geez dude. "You're just like your mother and if you had any other father I'd let you die from this wound."

It's so devastating but honestly I find it so funny.

Also a side note — I waited like two or three days to actually start reading the story after getting home with the book because the preface (version I have access to was translated by Samuel Butler) took me out but despite the preface (written in English in 1898) being confusing as fuck I am understanding the actual story.

Sure it's flowery and long and complicated but honestly I speak not too far off half the time. But "they did not lard a crib with Chaucerisms and think that they were translating" is not something I understand at all what the fuck are you talking about sir.

He kept talking about the Elizabethan translations and I honestly can't tell if he hates them or respects them. The results are inconclusive because his wording was too flowery to understand — far more flowery than the epic poetry of a 7-5th century BCE Greek poet.

The best way to explain to someone what it’s like to be an Epic the Musical fan listening to the Thunder Saga is to inform them that the most cheerful song in the saga is called Suffering

and they were tentmates

Me feeling like I'm just being lazy and wasting my time:

Sitting all day.

Listening to music at every waking hour.

Getting high.

Watching videos.

Talking online.

Eating copious amounts of pasta.

Drinking sugary beverages. Taking an ungodly amount of baths.

Not bothering to get dressed afterward and sleeping in my towel.

Sleeping for several hours longer than I 'should'. "I need to stop"

Hermes taking care of me/us/the body:

Resting (sitting).

Listening to music.

Getting high.

Watching funny videos.

Talking to friends.

Eating available food (pasta).

Drinking happy drinks (honey and coffee).

Taking even more baths.

Staying in bed even longer than we're asleep so we can love our cat. "It's okay, darling, live in the moment! Enjoy yourself! We have all the time in the world, be at rest"

— Euripides, Trojan Women (trans. by A. Shapiro)

paris: haha i just shot you diomedes!!

diomedes:

diomedes: what the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? i’ll have you know i graduated top of my class in the sack of thebes, and i been involved in numerous secret raids on the thracian forces, and i have over 300 confirmed kills. i am trained in gorilla warfare and i am the top spearman in the entire achaean army. you are nothing to me but just another target. i will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this earth, mark my fucking words. you think you can get away with saying that shit to me on the battlefield? think again, fucker. as we speak i am contacting my secret network of spies across the troad and your face is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. the storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. you’re fucking dead, kid. i can be anywhere, anytime, and i can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with my bare hands. not only am i extensively trained in unarmed combat, but i have access to the entire arsenal of the achaean army and i will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of this plain, you little shit. if only you could have known what unholy retribution your little "clever" comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. but you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're paying the price, you goddamn idiot. i will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. you’re fucking dead, kiddo.