Okay So Heres Something I Was Talking To A Lover About Last Night. Being A Dom Is Not Something Inherent

okay so here’s something i was talking to a lover about last night. being a “dom” is not something inherent to you, it is a role you take on. you can have naturally dominant tendencies, but when you go to be a dom or dom someone, that’s a role you’re taking on, and with it, there’s responsibility you’re accepting.

I am once again recommending the new topping book to anyone who wants a more detailed look at this, but i’m going to talk about some key points here that have changed the way i dom for the better.

- you need to be aware of your own capacity. it is better to say “that’s really hot but i don’t currently have the energy to provide the kind of aftercare that would require” than to do a hot scene and get lost in the drop.

- when you dom, you are taking on responsibility for the physical and emotional well-being of both your sub and yourself. you need to be prepared to do this. emotionally this means being prepared, provide aftercare, check in with them, deal with bad sub drop if it happens. Physically this is where we get into some basic RACK.

- I want to talk a little bit about the risk aware part of RACK. it is your responsibility, and this one applies to the sub and the dom, to do your research. knowing “oh this is risky” does not count as risk aware. you need to be looking into specific risks for specific scenes and seeing how one should handle them. for bondage this means learning how to do it properly, always having safety shares on hand, things like that. for knife play, it means having first aid stuff on hand. i for one know where my closest ER and urgent care are just in case.

- another thought on risk awareness and risk management, there’s nothing wrong with saying “that’s hot but it’s outside of my risk tolerance.” or even, i can’t tell you how often the conversation is “that’s hot but i need to do more research first.”

-when your sub is deep into subspace, or when the scene is already going on, it is your job as the dom to remember their boundaries and enforce them on their behalf. when your sub is out of it, part of taking responsibility for them is saying “i know that’s outside of your boundaries, we’ll need to negotiate that when we’re not in a scene” or like “that’s hot but we’ve never done it before and i’d feel more comfortable if we talked about it outside of a scene first.” it is better to wait and do the thing later, or not do it, than to risk violating your sub in a way that matters!

i’m sure i’ll have more thoughts on this, ill add them as they come to me.

putting my hand up during sex to ask a clarifying question about the order you just gave me

This is a comment someone appended to a photo of two men apparently having sex in a very fancy room, but it’s also kind of an amazing two-line poem? “His Wife has filled his house with chintz” is a really elegant and beautiful counterbalancing of h, f, and s sounds, and “chintz” is a perfect word choice here—sonically pleasing and good at evoking nouveau riche tackiness. And then “to keep it real I fuck him on the floor” collapses that whole mood with short percussive sounds—but it’s still a perfect iambic pentameter line, robust and a lovely obscene contrast with the chintz in the first line. Well done, tumblr user jjbang8

I'm a detransitioner and tbh my experience only made me more supportive of trans people and understanding of their experiences.

Like, you wanna know why I detransitioned? Because presenting as male gave me real gender dysphoria and made me uncomfortable in my skin. I would tear my clothes away and desperately grasp my curves and my boobs and my pussy to make sure they were still there. I would go into public imagining that others were perceiving me as male and, despite pressuring myself to feel otherwise, feel extremely uncomfortable with the notion.

He/him made me feel a pang of dread and unease.

And now, unlike most cis people, I know what gender dysphoria feels like. And I'm going to use that knowledge to fight for my trans siblings.

Someone anonymously messaged me to tell me that writing about detrans folks makes me a traitor to trans people, because all detrans people want to push conversion therapy on us and forcibly detransition us.

That’s precisely the kind of narrative that ends up pushing detransitioners into the arms of TERFs and the religious far-right.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with detransitioning. Sometimes people realize that transitioning no longer suits them, or never really did. And that’s fine.

When we systematically push them away regardless of their politics, we make people feel like the only places they can get support are among transphobes. That’s not a good thing. Building de/trans solidarity is an critical tool for disarming anti-trans movements.

What is the most attractive physical trait in a man (not including personality, even though that's a factor, just pick one based on what he looks like)

If something else or something more specific add it in the tags

And ofc choose the parts that apply to the attractive men in your life, if someone you like doesnt have some of these you can still vote on the poll!

I want to make myself pathetic for my dom. I want to grovel like a good boy for their touch. I want to beg them and be at their mercy. I cum for their pleasure, I'm denied for their pleasure, I'm edged for their pleasure. I want to be their toy, their plaything, their perfect submissive. I want to praise them with breathless moans, with fluttering eyelids, with heady, ecstatic pleasure that is their gift to me, "thank you, thank you, thank you."