Anyone Else Only In Their 20s But Feel Like They Are Running Out Of Time To Get Their Life Together??

Anyone else only in their 20s but feel like they are running out of time to get their life together??

A New Hyperfixation

Well, may as well kick off the renovation with a post about hyperfixations. Here, have a dumb post that contains more writing and effort than my essays during senior year did.

My last hyperfixation was Mystery Skulls Animated. I found a link to Hellbent, the most recent video, the day it dropped. I enjoyed it and went back to watch the first two videos in the series. And like that, I was hooked! Not long after I joined a Discord group. Unfortunately (or, rather... Maybe it was fortunate after all?) the admins were no longer into MSA and thus deleted the server after having been there for.. Maybe a week at most? 

Needless to say, I was devastated and wanted a community to yell about my fixation with. So I went and searched on tumblr, and came across a post by someone I now consider to be a good friend, advertising their MSA Discord Server. Thankfully they allowed me in, and it was wonderful. I made friends left and right, I had wonderful discussions about theories and ships, I finally had my muse back. For the first time in months, my artistic muse was back in full force, and I was doodling all the time! Hell, I even finished pieces! Lines, colour, background... Everything I hadn’t done in months.

I made... Honestly, some wonderful friends. I haven’t felt this close to people in what seems like years (although in reality, it’s probably just been closer to 7 months). Hell, I could sit here on my laptop all day and wax poetic about the people I’ve come to know and love. 

Aw hell, love... I forgot to mention I fell in love, too. Which was, obviously, a stupid thing for me to do. I’m still trying to figure myself out; trying to further myself and carve out a meaningful place in the world, to come to terms with my gender and the dysphoria that follows, to simultaneously move forward and yet hold myself back out of fear... My brain isn’t in tune with my heart, though, so here I am distancing myself in a poorly executed plan to get over them. I know it’s not fair to them, and kind of a shitty thing to do? But ah... C’est la vie, as the saying goes. I did mention I was dumb, right? 

This person and I- y’know, writing “this person” is going to get very old... I’ll call them King. King and I talked all the time, whether it be in the server or in DM’s. Shared secrets and tidbits about ourselves; things I haven’t told to another person in a long time. Things I limited only to my best friends... In fact, they were the one to introduce me to my current fixation. 

The server often times had events. Game Nights, voice chats, drawpile, movie nights... The whole 9. This also extended to my friends and I. King even streamed musicals for me to watch. First came Dear Evan Hansen (yes, I sobbed). Then, King showed me Hamilton. 

Now, Hamilton, I had heard rumblings about throughout the years. I had a passing interest, “yeah, I’d like to see it at some point! But it’s not number one on the list by any means. I’m into something else right now” was my train of thought. When King offered to stream another musical, of course I was interested! Hamilton was amongst the choices offered that night, and uh, our other viewer... Ha, I’ll dub them as “Silver”. He’d like that.  Silver chose Hamilton. 

Needless to say, I fell in love with the show. I don’t know why this one, or why now; I’d had many things I could’ve fixated on before then- Spiderverse, Venom, and Dear Evan Hansen just to name a few... But here I am. 

Immediately I started looking for tickets to see it, trying to gauge the price. It was during the initial searches that I saw the show was about to begin its third tour. So when I saw it was coming to New Orleans, I knew that was my opportunity. I picked up more hours at the Bell, I ended up getting a raise, I had money left over from Christmas. I budgeted and scrimped and saved. I negotiated with my grandmother, who was going to be down at the Bay when the cast came to New Orleans, to find a way to go see it. 

And all the while I had begun to read fanfiction. Falling more and more in love with the characters, with the ships. I bought the soundtrack and began memorising the songs from Act 1. 

And finally, after multiple rounds of negotiations, working 6 days a week, and scoping prices on tickets... I’m happy to say that I’ll be going to see the show just after St Patties Day. I am beyond excited. To share this experience with my grandma. To have a small vacation before throwing myself back into work. To immerse myself in my latest hyperfixation. 

The only downfall to this? I spend less time on the MSA server. I spend less time with the friends I’ve made. My muse is... Not gone, per se, but definitely shifted. I draw less, and write more- fitting, huh? It’s somehow more intense and more gentle than my fixation for MSA. So I’m... Floundering? I suppose that’s an apt descriptor. I’m floundering as I adjust to the abrupt shift in my personality and habits. It’s terrifying and freeing all at once, and I find that I can’t bottle it up anymore. So. 

Here’s to a shift. A renovation. A revelation. A revolution. Let’s hope some of these habits stick. I quite like writing again.

Yo! I just saw your adhd reblog about dental care and depression and- you're extremely not alone! My teeth are definitely a mess after several years of depression/adhd taking it out of me, and I'm very worried about what the results are. But good for you for getting back into brushing! It's a heck of a bad habit to break, but hang in there and good luck man. Progress is a process!

Hey man, thank you for the feedback!! I'm just screaming into the void at this point, so I'm glad people actually see my posts! I'm doing really well now! I go more and more time between each day I forget

Directed Attention Fatigue is something all ADHDers are familiar with; it’s when we get mentally drained after focusing on something (we find boring) for a period of time.

It is not specific to ADHD however, it’s incredibly relevant to us. It’s so straightforward that I’ll just quote wikipedia:

DAF … results from overuse of the brain’s inhibitory attention mechanisms, which handle incoming distractions while maintaining focus on a specific task. 

We pay attention mentally pushing away other distractions and stiumli (which ADHDer SUCK at; its why get easily distracted). You get DAF when your brain gets overworked after pushing away these distractions for too long/

If you read the symptoms of DAF, you’ll see how similar the symptoms are to ADHD (wikipedia even points it out).

This is why we get tired after active listening or working on something, as were asked by recent asks.

Eye Contact Is..

It’s really hard. And stupid. And my brain likes to choose “oh hey you can look this person in the eye for 3 minutes straight!” for complete strangers coming through the drive thru; but when I turn to my coworker whom I’ve known for nearly a year, it’s like “ABORT MISSION! EYE CONTACT BAD!!!”

Like I look at a friend or coworker and maybe make eye contact for .01 seconds before my gaze skitters away. Resting on like... Their chest or the floor. 

anD THEN NOT 20 MINUTES LATER WE HAVE A STARING CONTEST AND I WIN. 

Also people with blue eyes are the hardest to hold contact with??? I don’t-

Point being, eye contact is hard, and my brain hates consistency. 

not to say anything positive about america but the revolutionaries inventing guerrilla warfare is the funniest shit to me they were just like “hey what if instead of standing in lines all orderly getting shot what if we like, didn’t” and the brits were just like “what the fuck. what the fuck is happening this isn’t in the rule book what the fuck”