Hyperfix-action - Tumblr Posts
A renovation is needed
So, I've decided to finally get my ass in gear and do something I've been meaning to for.... a long while now.
Instead of my art blog, this will now be a personal blog where I post about my experiences and struggles with ADHD, and the hyperfixations that come with.
I will probably post rants pertaining to my current hyperfixations, be prepared for a lot of screaming and less-than-eloquent keyboard smashes.
A New Hyperfixation
Well, may as well kick off the renovation with a post about hyperfixations. Here, have a dumb post that contains more writing and effort than my essays during senior year did.
My last hyperfixation was Mystery Skulls Animated. I found a link to Hellbent, the most recent video, the day it dropped. I enjoyed it and went back to watch the first two videos in the series. And like that, I was hooked! Not long after I joined a Discord group. Unfortunately (or, rather... Maybe it was fortunate after all?) the admins were no longer into MSA and thus deleted the server after having been there for.. Maybe a week at most?
Needless to say, I was devastated and wanted a community to yell about my fixation with. So I went and searched on tumblr, and came across a post by someone I now consider to be a good friend, advertising their MSA Discord Server. Thankfully they allowed me in, and it was wonderful. I made friends left and right, I had wonderful discussions about theories and ships, I finally had my muse back. For the first time in months, my artistic muse was back in full force, and I was doodling all the time! Hell, I even finished pieces! Lines, colour, background... Everything I hadn’t done in months.
I made... Honestly, some wonderful friends. I haven’t felt this close to people in what seems like years (although in reality, it’s probably just been closer to 7 months). Hell, I could sit here on my laptop all day and wax poetic about the people I’ve come to know and love.
Aw hell, love... I forgot to mention I fell in love, too. Which was, obviously, a stupid thing for me to do. I’m still trying to figure myself out; trying to further myself and carve out a meaningful place in the world, to come to terms with my gender and the dysphoria that follows, to simultaneously move forward and yet hold myself back out of fear... My brain isn’t in tune with my heart, though, so here I am distancing myself in a poorly executed plan to get over them. I know it’s not fair to them, and kind of a shitty thing to do? But ah... C’est la vie, as the saying goes. I did mention I was dumb, right?
This person and I- y’know, writing “this person” is going to get very old... I’ll call them King. King and I talked all the time, whether it be in the server or in DM’s. Shared secrets and tidbits about ourselves; things I haven’t told to another person in a long time. Things I limited only to my best friends... In fact, they were the one to introduce me to my current fixation.
The server often times had events. Game Nights, voice chats, drawpile, movie nights... The whole 9. This also extended to my friends and I. King even streamed musicals for me to watch. First came Dear Evan Hansen (yes, I sobbed). Then, King showed me Hamilton.
Now, Hamilton, I had heard rumblings about throughout the years. I had a passing interest, “yeah, I’d like to see it at some point! But it’s not number one on the list by any means. I’m into something else right now” was my train of thought. When King offered to stream another musical, of course I was interested! Hamilton was amongst the choices offered that night, and uh, our other viewer... Ha, I’ll dub them as “Silver”. He’d like that. Silver chose Hamilton.
Needless to say, I fell in love with the show. I don’t know why this one, or why now; I’d had many things I could’ve fixated on before then- Spiderverse, Venom, and Dear Evan Hansen just to name a few... But here I am.
Immediately I started looking for tickets to see it, trying to gauge the price. It was during the initial searches that I saw the show was about to begin its third tour. So when I saw it was coming to New Orleans, I knew that was my opportunity. I picked up more hours at the Bell, I ended up getting a raise, I had money left over from Christmas. I budgeted and scrimped and saved. I negotiated with my grandmother, who was going to be down at the Bay when the cast came to New Orleans, to find a way to go see it.
And all the while I had begun to read fanfiction. Falling more and more in love with the characters, with the ships. I bought the soundtrack and began memorising the songs from Act 1.
And finally, after multiple rounds of negotiations, working 6 days a week, and scoping prices on tickets... I’m happy to say that I’ll be going to see the show just after St Patties Day. I am beyond excited. To share this experience with my grandma. To have a small vacation before throwing myself back into work. To immerse myself in my latest hyperfixation.
The only downfall to this? I spend less time on the MSA server. I spend less time with the friends I’ve made. My muse is... Not gone, per se, but definitely shifted. I draw less, and write more- fitting, huh? It’s somehow more intense and more gentle than my fixation for MSA. So I’m... Floundering? I suppose that’s an apt descriptor. I’m floundering as I adjust to the abrupt shift in my personality and habits. It’s terrifying and freeing all at once, and I find that I can’t bottle it up anymore. So.
Here’s to a shift. A renovation. A revelation. A revolution. Let’s hope some of these habits stick. I quite like writing again.
Eye Contact Is..
It’s really hard. And stupid. And my brain likes to choose “oh hey you can look this person in the eye for 3 minutes straight!” for complete strangers coming through the drive thru; but when I turn to my coworker whom I’ve known for nearly a year, it’s like “ABORT MISSION! EYE CONTACT BAD!!!”
Like I look at a friend or coworker and maybe make eye contact for .01 seconds before my gaze skitters away. Resting on like... Their chest or the floor.
anD THEN NOT 20 MINUTES LATER WE HAVE A STARING CONTEST AND I WIN.
Also people with blue eyes are the hardest to hold contact with??? I don’t-
Point being, eye contact is hard, and my brain hates consistency.
frick yeah, my favourite goddamn headcanon to come out of the comments section tbh.
That’s my next sketch >:3c
I have no excuse.
^^^^^^^
Like for example, I'm TERRIFIED of going to the dentist now. Not because their tools spook me, or anyth- well... not ONLY because they spook me... That's not the main reason.
ANYWAYS I'm terrified of going to the dentist now because, 3-4 years ago when my depression got to its worst, I stopped taking care of myself; brushing my teeth being something I quit doing. I'm doing so much better nowadays, don't you worry! Like a year later I came out as transgender and a lot of my issues went away. But... As a creature of habit, it took me a while to get back on track- to pick up good habits and keep them, y'know?
I just started brushing my teeth regularly again last week. And I'm still not all on top of it, despite. Like, 5/7 days I'll remember to brush, and it's always while showering that I remember.
I have to get my wisdom teeth taken out, I remember being told last time I had an appointment. I KNOW I have to go back and get that done before they come in wrong and fuck up my mouth alignment, I know it logically. But I don't want them to see how bad my teeth have gotten; I don't want to learn that I've got a rotting tooth and that I need a root canal, or that I've got 12 different cavities. Which is STUPID, better to stop it and fix it all before it gets worse. But here I am. I haven't been to see the dentist in like 5 years.
Oh god the weather is goddamned stupid. The weather has been super temperamental; one day it's cloudless if a little cold, the next day we get light rains. Day after that it's gorgeous, clear and in the 70's. Day after THAT it's in the low 40's and thunderstorms that last for like a week... It's hell on my joints, and my neck especially.
From one Iowa dweller to another, do you ever just get this feeling the weather's about to turn rough? Because the news says we've got a moderate chance of tornadoes today and I have that feeling that I'm gonna spend 30 minutes in the basement at some point this afternoon.
Yeah, absolutely. I’ve had that sorta…grating sensation on the edges of my nerves all day.
Being Adhd
Having the greatest fucking idea in the shower, then immediately getting distracted/forgetting the moment you step out.
(I remembered my idea of writing poetry about being adhd, but not how the beginning went)
Y’all
Watch me juggle four hyperfixations at once. I’ll do it, you cowards!
The fixations mentioned? Oh! They’re Invader Zim, My Hero Academia, Dear Evan Hansen, and Undertale.
Hahahahaha! I’m in trouble....
This felt very appropriate to share to main.
As a man with social anxiety, I like to know how to do things, what to say, and questions I need to ask before I do or say ANYTHING, EVER. I NEED to know the proper process for things, or else I flounder and have a Very Bad Time(TM)
i just spent 20 minutes in the shower sobbing bc i’m scared of growing up and having to do things on my own i hate myself wtf i’m such a BABY
Hi! Feel free to ignore this if you don't have the spoons, it's a question about ADHD. I'm tempted to get tested for both ADHD and austism bc I feel like I have a lot of those symptoms. But how do I tell the difference? There seems to be a lot of overlap and I have no idea if I have one or the other or both? Every time I see those "this is an ADHD experience" or "this is a ASD experience" I seem to relate. Some friends think I have both, others say because I can drive I can't have ADHD? thanks
Apologies if this is a messy ramble, I’m a bit out of it right now, but let me just start with this:
“others say because I can drive I can’t have ADHD”.
That is just an inherently untrue statement. There are plenty of people with ADHD who drive, my husband is one of them, as is my best friend, and several other people I can think of right now. Some folks with ADHD might not feel able to drive, but that is not the blanket “norm”, because no one person with ADHD has the exact same life experience and capabilities. Statements like that come from a place of ignorance, and lets be honest here, a little bit of ableism.
I also get people telling me all the time that I can’t actually have ADHD cause I’m an editor, and editing requires detail orientated work and “hyper just means you’re a scatter brain right? it’s not like you have the attention span for that”, to which I reply: have you ever met anyone with a hyper fixation? Some of us can channel that shit.
Of course that’s not true for everyone with ADHD, cause ADHD as we are coming to realize, is also a spectrum disorder.
Some people will swing clearly to one “side” of hyper, while some people will struggle with inattentiveness. Some others, like myself, have a combination of both, because although the sliding scale analogy can be helpful, it’s not entirely accurate. My exact diagnosis is combination ADHD with emphasis toward hyperactivity and rapid cycling thoughts combined with inattentiveness. Physically I’m not hyper, but mentally my brain is always “on”, which y’know, if you follow my blog it’s pretty evident I’m always going a mile a minute inside my own head, but outwardly? I’d pass for neurotypical because I’m not what ADHD “looks like”.
You are also right in that there is a lot of overlap between ADHD and ASD, and it is entirely possible to have either one or the other or both, and chances are if you are relating to those posts? There’s something there worth looking into.
I always used to find ADHD posts relatable, but just assumed everyone did on some level. Turns out not so much… turns out some people don’t have executive dysfunction problems… turns out some people can go to sleep at a regular hour and fall asleep within minutes, or finish a thought through without jumping onto a next one, or don’t find boredom so excruciatingly painful it can hurt like a physical ache or make you want to scream… seems fake I know, but apparently it’s a thing.
For the longest time I beat myself up for not being smart enough, for being lazy, for not being able to do such basic every day things. I hated myself for it. I despised what I perceived as personal and moral failings on my part, because I could not do supposedly easy things in the way people said I ought. Turns out there was a reason for that. And I am smart, I’m not lazy, and I can do things. I just needed a better level of support than I was getting.
If you want to get tested for both, get tested for both. I did on the advice of my therapist. It was enlightening and really helped me realize how much my ADHD actually affects my every day life, which in turn has helped me start to make it a lot, lot better.
I hope some of that was helpful to you, and I hope you find the help you need
It’s times like this when I put on a playlist of orchestrated music (Rush Garcia’s Undertale playlist is a favourite go-to!) and get out my sketchbook. More often than not, I never end up using it. BUT! I do find it does help me decide what I DO want to do! That, or going for a drive.
That autistic / ADHD feel when you want to do… something.
I normally try not to share things that aren’t related to adhd/adhd-adjacent, but this one hit me hard.
Yesterday my mom, my 5 year old nephew and i were hanging out, and my mom kept constantly using female pronouns and calling me by my birth-name.
finally my nephew interrupted her to say, “He wants to be called Ben. He’s a boy now. You can’t call him a girl if he’s a boy.”
and right after that, she started using my pronouns and name correctly. i guess it kind of hits you hard when a 5 year old child calls you out, cause anytime i’d try to correct her she’d keep making the excuse, “It’s hard, I’m trying.”
i am so proud of my nephew, i shit you not.
I’m gonna start something new! I want to start a tag for moodboards, stim posts, calming posts, etc! It’ll all be under the tag “focus time”. Enjoy!
Mt Rainier
An issue I’ve had often, because I don’t know how to be a Functional Friend
Social awkwardness and issues processing words doesn’t allow me to be as eloquent in person. So if it’s this but ten-fold, and I’ve probably been repeating it in my head, imagining myself saying it with at least 7 different inflections, and building up my courage for at least half the goddamn day.
And I STILL had to write it down in my notes beforehand.
sincerity is genuinely really hard like…….. if i have ever told you anything heartfelt out loud i have had to battle like 7 layers of embarrassment & repression to do that
Because words are hard, always
I am a(n):
⚪ Male
⚪ Female
🔘 Writer
Looking for
⚪ Boyfriend
⚪ Girlfriend
🔘 An incredibly specific word that I can’t remember
Ah. That....... Suddenly makes much more sense.....
finding out people dont usually add numbers by first adding something to make a ten (for example 7+6= 7 plus 3 is 10 plus another 3 is 13) & that its actually an adhd thing is the WILDEST shit literally ive lived like 10 years (or however old i was when i learned to add and stuff) thinking thats how everyone does it. what the fuck
-Being unable to process verbal lessons, but doing better when given a book or packet to work off of with the teacher.
the joys of adhd
-”do this please” okay **fifteen minutes later** “did you do it??” what?
-*picks up phone to look at time* hm let’s unlock it to look at the time even tho its on the lock screen *unlocks phone and starts opening and closing random apps* *puts down phone* what time is it?
-i have three days to do this essay, gonna get it done on time! *spends two free days scrolling through social media and chatrooms* oh sht oh sht oh sht oh sht
-”CAN YOU STOP CRACKING YOUR KNUCKLES??????”
-”why are you picking at your lips/fingers/scabs?” i dont know “why not” i just dont okay?? “why dont you know??” and so on
-WHY AM I NOT UNDERSTANDING THIS OMG IM SO DUMB AND I CANT ASK FOR HELP BC THEY’LL EXPLAIN IT SEVENTY MILLION TIMES AND I STILL WONT GET IT I DONT WANNA BE A BURDEN
-*wakes up at 3 am* GOTTA GET MY wHOLE FCKIN LIFE TOGETHER LETS DO THIS THING!!!!!! *aggressively cleans room/house*
-*internally, sometimes out loud if alone* okay hon, let’s stop procrastinating, we need to do this this and this if you want to keep your grades up/it’s alright, stop freaking out, it’s all gonna be fine, okay?/you need to make sure to do this before bed bc you’re not gonna want to do it tomorrow. “okay, i’ll do it later.” no, let’s do it now, trust me it’s better. “okay…”
-”TURN YOUR MUSIC DOWN, YOU’RE GONNA GO DEAF!!”
-I WANT TO DO ALL THE THINGS !!!
-I dont want to do anything…
-Am i being annoying? “no” are you sure?
-BRAIN ISTG IF YOU DONT SHUT UP
-*thinking about event that happened weeks, months, or even years ago* oh my god i was such an idiot/why did i do that???/oh my god they probably hate me for that
-omg i hurt you didnt i?? “no, how would you have hurt me?” i dont know, i just know i did!!
-apologizing too much
-leg bouncing
-hyperfixation/moments of intense passion followed by a period of disinterest
feel free to add, i want ppl to know what it’s like living with this little demon in the back of your mind
Listen to kids talk about what they’re interested in. I’m 21 years of age, and I’m just now realising that I’m repressing myself due to childhood trauma. That was this EXACT thing.
It really says something about how society treats children that today I told a 13 year old I was proud of her hard work and she nearly cried into my shoulder.