Day 534: No Connection...

Day 534: No connection...

It's been awhile since I last posted something in this blog. I realized I only visit it whenever I am feeling bad. Unfortunately, it's one of those gloomy days again. *sigh* 

So here it goes... I am upset! I am disappointed! I am selfish! I am hurt! There's no one to blame why I am feeling this way again but my self. I have been acting up again. I've been lazy. I haven't had a decent conversation with anyone for the past few days. It feels like I am back to being the cave woman that I used to be. No friends. No dreams. No goals. 

Is there any way to make me feel better? The selfish me can only think of one way... that is to get everyone's attention. I want them to focus on me. I want them to ask me how I am feeling. I want them to talk to me. I want them to listen to what I have to say. I want them to care...

Ugh! It's happening again. I don't want to be like this again. I need to get out of this darkness. I am tired of being sad like this. I do not want to be alone forever...

Day 691: the typhoon that hit my family hard since last week

Today's the 16th of November. The 11th day since that scary night I had to stay in the ICU with my dad. i can still remember how difficult it was for me and everyone in the family to think correctly. i was in shock but i had to be an adult. friends were there to support the family but it was different. it was one of the scariest night i had where a decision has to be made. lots of prayers were asked. lots of wishes were received by the family. thankfully, we got through it. my champ didn't let us down. he was the fighter i never imagined he would be. he was our weakness and our source of strength this past few days. without him, i would have gone crazy. my dad was a survivor. i am so proud of him.

at this moment, i am sitting next to him. watching over him as he sleeps. it has been almost a week since i've been doing this and i will never get tired of doing this. as long as my dad is safe and healthy, i am willing to be his support as he goes through all the changes he had to face in the future because of his heart disease. i will forever be his daughter,his private nurse, mom's helper, and my sibling's guardian.

daddy, i know you will never read this post but i still want you to know that i am so proud of you. let's fight through this together with our whole family and friends. i wanna be there and cheer for you when you get back on track again. i wanna see you doing your hobbies again. i wanna be there when you are able to walk strongly again towards mommy. i wanna see you happy and smiling again. daddy, please get well soon. may you have a fast recovery so we can enjoy doing the good old stuff the five of us always do. i love you daddy! mommy, kuya, joy and i will always be here for you.❤❤❤

Day489: 22 and still searching for happiness...

On the 25th of April, after class I ate lunch with my friends from the nursing program. We went to Shogun had some sushi. As always, i had a (strawberry) margarita just coz i am with them. Tita Jo and Tita Janet gave me a purse. I was touched by their generosity for it has been awhile since i celebrated my bday with friends. Mylabs was there too. He actually greeted me when he saw me after their class. That time, i thought the world stopped spinning. It felt like it was just me and him. I was so giddy he actually went with us. I really thought he won't come. Thank god he did. It's a bonus! Lol And then on the 26th of April (yesterday), i celebrated my twin and I's 22nd birthday with the fambam. We had lunch at Red Lobsters. Then I watched Scary Movie 5 with my sister and Mark. I appreciate my family's effort to celebrate this day. Things would have been better though if Umpe was here too to celebrate my bday. It's the 2nd time already. I feel like I am missing something. And I know I will never have it. It will never be the same without you, Umpe ko. I try to be as positive like always but tonight i am feeling this emptiness more than ever. I love you and I miss you so much Umpe ko. Always and forever.

DAY 573: What happened? [20130720]

the first time i saw my reflection in the mirror after a very long time, i asked myself, "what happened? why did you let yourself be like this?"... i felt ashamed for not taking good care of myself. it's too late now. even if i try to make some changes, it will never be the same again. i guess this is my punishment. this is the result of my stupidity and laziness. i should be responsible but i was never like that. i'm sorry because i will never be beautiful. i am and will never deserve to receive anyone's compliment. i already have too much imperfections. i am too conscious of myself. i feel so little having so much insecurities and being so different from the "normal" people. i feel really scared to face others because society will eat me alive. i am not that strong yet. i still have a long way to go before i can confidently present myself to everyone. hopefully, by the time i accepted who i really am, someone will come into my life. i just wish one day that someone will find me, treasure me, and make me the most beautiful imperfect lady of his life...