He Left Me Hanging... AGAIN!

he left me hanging... AGAIN!

when am i going to stop believing he’s sincere? when am i going to stop this illusion? when am i going to accept the fact that he only see me as one of his schoolmates?? he should have ignored my question. he should have stopped replying. he should have ended it. or maybe i should have stopped myself from asking him in the first place… why do i always bother caring for him… can i even consider it as caring or just being nosy? when am i going to learn that he has his own life now and i am never going to be part of it. he only did that coz he’s bored. ugh why am i questioning him now? why the heck can’t i trust him? why do i bother to think about what’s the truth? like i said, i got shocked the first time he replied to me. then he asked me back a question. it’s not even that serious. it was out of courtesy. being the respectful man he is. and then the convo went on since i kept asking him stuff. why did i do that? prolly coz i want to know more about him. i’m curious about what he’s up to now. or maybe i am missing this feeling… the feeling that even such words can’t even describe it. *sigh* i never learn my lesson. i know i’ll end up hurting again… crying… blaming myself why i let it happen. i make everything look like it’s a big deal. but it’s not. it was just a simple ‘hi & hello’ to an ‘acquaintance’ right? ugh i don’t really know. i don’t understand why i am being like this again. i don’t understand what is really happening. the only thing i know is i was happy while talking to him. i was happy that he didn’t ignore me. i was happy he gave me some of his precious time. but i was also worried that he may also be playing with me again… playing with my feelings again. *sigh* please stop making me think there’s still a possibility. please let me know that i am just a friend. please tell it to me clearly. i’m getting tired of this guessing game. i don’t want to ruin your life again. i don’t want to make it looks like i own you. i don’t want you to hate me. i don’t want to return to the old possessive me. i want you to be happy. so please, let me stop thinking about you. let me give you peace. let me forget you. i know i should be over this by now. this should have not affected me in the first place. i thought i was over you. i guess there is still a part of you in my heart… that i can’t let go. but don’t worry i’ll try to let it go as soon as i can. i’ll eventually forget all these puppy love i have for you. soon, i won’t be bothering you again. or if i will, i’ll make sure there’s no love connection in it at all… i’m sorry jellyeiz for being like this. it has been almost 4 years now… i’m really sorry. i think too much. i care too much. i’m sorry… i really am.

another day of waiting for nothing...

i think all i did today was to wait. and it seems like this will never end. i can even imagine how i’m gonna be like for the next few days… *sigh* it sucks to be me. i guess i really deserve only a day of fun while the rest is full sorrow, pain, and hatred. i am so unfortunate. i really am so stupid. i wish i can control myself & stop being like this. nakaksawa na din minsan eh. lagi na lang ganito eh wala naman nangyayari. kakaawaan ko lang lalo ang sarili ko. i hate it. when am i going to be happy? when am i going to stop being like this? when am i going wake up from this nightmare?? i’m so sick of this already.

why? why am i like this AGAIN?!

idk why im like this. yesterday, i was super high. i didn't even know where i got the courage to greet him. i know im over it already but why did i bother to check up on it this morning. why? i just can't understand myself. why do i still do these things? when am i going to learn from my mistakes. this is really frustrating! i hate it. and i hate myself for doing it over and over again....

and tonight, same thing happened. it's just that no one is involved. i was easily affected. why am i such a loser? why do i cry over this things? why am i so shallow? ugh i hate it! i really hate it!

Wala dapat tutulong luha pero i wasn't able to stop it eh...

I thought im done. But why am i crying over a stupid reason for the nth time??Hahaha but i cant stop laughing at myself cause i know im acting like a fool all over again. Reason: i saw him online tonight. He didnt even bother to question the last message i had for him. Outcome: i let out a tear run down my cheeks again. :’( Realization: i think too much. I expect too much. when in the first place, i shouldnt be like this at all. This will be the LAST (i hope).

Ikaw ga?

Waaaah ano ba talaga ito?! Ano ba?! Nagulat ako na nagreply ka the first time. And i wasn't expecting another one from you... Pero ano ito?! Nagtanong ka pa?! Sira ka ba?! O friendly ka lang talaga??

But on the bright side, you made me feel good today. Tho now im kinda confused too. Is it coz hindi ako masyado naaapektuhan... Is this a good thing or not??

Im a greedy person

Akalain mo nagcomeback ka din?!

Woah you are really awesome. You were there again. I saw in my dream. Andun ka na naman eh...

You have my house key pa nga e. And you werent affected nung sinabi ko sau na i want you to tell your gf that 'im sorry'. Tho alam natin pareho na i want you to tell her that kasi i still like you... And prolly i want you... To be mine. It was like me begging again for your love and attention. But you werent surprised at all kasi you already knew how much nagkakandarapa ako to be with you. You just walked away from me as if nothing happened. But whats worse is bumalik ka sa house amd you sat beside me like nothing happened while im on the pathetic me mode.

Gosh PaVi what is this all about again?! Is this one of my dramas?? Di ka pa ba napapagod? Or should i ask that to myself? Kriz di ka pa ba natututo at nadadala?!?

Paul gusto ko lang naman e maging masaya. I wished na sana ako na lang. Sana ako naman. Sana binigyan mo ako ng chance. Alam mo naman kung gaano ako nabaliw sayo and unfortunately, kahit anong pagdedeny ko eh hindi pa din ako makaget over sayo. Im still the stupid, embarassing KC who likes you. Im sorry. Im so sorry na paulit ulit na lang ito. Hindi ko kasi alam kung paano ko ito tatapusin eh. I was hoping na ikaw tatapos nito. Nagmamatigas kasi ako eh. I am too stubborn. I think mas pinipili ko na masaktan over and over again. Kaya sana... Ngayon na mas matured na ako compared noong mga bata pa tayo... Eh you'll tell me how much you hate me and that you cant be with me at all. Sana you can tell me na you can never love me. Okay lang na mahurt ako... Hopefully by those words eh matauhan na ako. Dont worry kasi this time i think matatapos na talaga ito as long as sa iyo manggagaling yung reason for me to give up, to get over this and move on. Hindi ko kasi kaya na ganun ganun na lang kita kakalimutan eh. Mas masakit ata yun.

Paul... Gusto ko na kasi na maging masaya ka na. Gusto ko you'll be able to love the lucky girl. I want you to have the happiness that you really deserve. And this will be possible kung titigilan na kita. I know matagal mo nang gusto ito. Kaya i am niw willing to do this for you. Starting ngayon as long as may chance ako... Gagawin ko na ang makakaya ko to finally set you free. Coz i want you to be happy and be peaceful. Wag ka mag alala maiintindihan mo din kung bakit ko ito gagawin. Marerealize ko din kung bakit kelangan ko itong gawin. I'll be hurting for awhile but mas makabubuti din ito. Things will be okay... As long as ready na ako...