Jellyeiz - Tumblr Posts

is this stupidity or stupidity? "**** nurse ka na?"

why the heck did i do that again?? why do i have to be stupid? why do i hafta ask him like we are friends? kailan ba ako matututo? kailan? kailan?!

i am so shameless. ang kapal ng mukha ko. ugh i hate it. i hate myself kasi i never learn my lesson. =/

Ikaw ga?

Waaaah ano ba talaga ito?! Ano ba?! Nagulat ako na nagreply ka the first time. And i wasn't expecting another one from you... Pero ano ito?! Nagtanong ka pa?! Sira ka ba?! O friendly ka lang talaga??

But on the bright side, you made me feel good today. Tho now im kinda confused too. Is it coz hindi ako masyado naaapektuhan... Is this a good thing or not??

I don't wanna be in love alone...

I think this is what i really wanna say right now. My mind keeps reminding me to forget everything that just happened and move on but my heart is stopping this decision. It is like it is telling me to wait cause there might be a chance(?) for the two of us...idk. But at the same time i'm like i don't want to have another one sided love... And not with the same person again.

Am i that stupid? Smh. do i love him? Im not sure. Do i like him? I guess.

Ugh he should have made it clear to me that time so that i will not be acting like this again. Now, im confused again.

A part of me is still holding onto you and the memories i had with you, those happy and painful memories. But a part of me is telling me to give up now and continue what i was doing the day before we had that conversation. I was okay before that... Almost over you. But why did i choose to 'talk' to you again?? Why did my curiosity led me to a decision to 'talk' to you again...

Jellyeiz, is this wrong? Should i keep going on or should i just give up? What do you feel about me? What do you think i should do now??

another day of waiting for nothing...

i think all i did today was to wait. and it seems like this will never end. i can even imagine how i’m gonna be like for the next few days… *sigh* it sucks to be me. i guess i really deserve only a day of fun while the rest is full sorrow, pain, and hatred. i am so unfortunate. i really am so stupid. i wish i can control myself & stop being like this. nakaksawa na din minsan eh. lagi na lang ganito eh wala naman nangyayari. kakaawaan ko lang lalo ang sarili ko. i hate it. when am i going to be happy? when am i going to stop being like this? when am i going wake up from this nightmare?? i’m so sick of this already.

he left me hanging... AGAIN!

when am i going to stop believing he’s sincere? when am i going to stop this illusion? when am i going to accept the fact that he only see me as one of his schoolmates?? he should have ignored my question. he should have stopped replying. he should have ended it. or maybe i should have stopped myself from asking him in the first place… why do i always bother caring for him… can i even consider it as caring or just being nosy? when am i going to learn that he has his own life now and i am never going to be part of it. he only did that coz he’s bored. ugh why am i questioning him now? why the heck can’t i trust him? why do i bother to think about what’s the truth? like i said, i got shocked the first time he replied to me. then he asked me back a question. it’s not even that serious. it was out of courtesy. being the respectful man he is. and then the convo went on since i kept asking him stuff. why did i do that? prolly coz i want to know more about him. i’m curious about what he’s up to now. or maybe i am missing this feeling… the feeling that even such words can’t even describe it. *sigh* i never learn my lesson. i know i’ll end up hurting again… crying… blaming myself why i let it happen. i make everything look like it’s a big deal. but it’s not. it was just a simple ‘hi & hello’ to an ‘acquaintance’ right? ugh i don’t really know. i don’t understand why i am being like this again. i don’t understand what is really happening. the only thing i know is i was happy while talking to him. i was happy that he didn’t ignore me. i was happy he gave me some of his precious time. but i was also worried that he may also be playing with me again… playing with my feelings again. *sigh* please stop making me think there’s still a possibility. please let me know that i am just a friend. please tell it to me clearly. i’m getting tired of this guessing game. i don’t want to ruin your life again. i don’t want to make it looks like i own you. i don’t want you to hate me. i don’t want to return to the old possessive me. i want you to be happy. so please, let me stop thinking about you. let me give you peace. let me forget you. i know i should be over this by now. this should have not affected me in the first place. i thought i was over you. i guess there is still a part of you in my heart… that i can’t let go. but don’t worry i’ll try to let it go as soon as i can. i’ll eventually forget all these puppy love i have for you. soon, i won’t be bothering you again. or if i will, i’ll make sure there’s no love connection in it at all… i’m sorry jellyeiz for being like this. it has been almost 4 years now… i’m really sorry. i think too much. i care too much. i’m sorry… i really am.

Bakit sa panaginip lang?

I woke up from a dream because the phone was ringing. It was awful coz i wanted to see what happens next in my dream... I tried so hard to sleep again and hoping that the dream will continue it's story... but it didn't... Here's what happen in my dream. I was sitting in a sidewalk watching a flower parade... like the one's in Pasadena. I remember i was with my high school friends and we were all wearing our school uniform. We were asked to move from our seats and up into the stadium. From there, everything seems a blur except for the scene that i am smiling brightly to Jellyeiz. People around me were so noisy and they were teasing me. I was laughing so hard until i noticed BKM. he was just a few seats down from my row. Idk why but my friend and i started talking abt Bill and i was like denying that i like him. I kept mentioning his name until i felt like someone moved next to me. I opened my eyes and saw BKM sitting next to me. I felt like my heart jumped out of my chest... It feels so real. Just like how i want it to happen in real life... I was gonna ask him something but unfortunately the phone started ringing and that is how the dream ended.... I wonder why those two suddenly appeared in my dream again... Is it my subconcious mind reminding me that i kinda missed them? Or was it just the fact that i kept seeing and hearing their names and tho i try my best to forget abt them and stop associating them with everything around me, i just can't?