I Got Money For Christmas And Have Yet To Spend Any On Myself But This Makes Me Feel Better

I got money for Christmas and have yet to spend any on myself 😪 but this makes me feel better

I miss Jin already 😩😩

You guys, please pray for me, or send good thoughts and vibes my way.

I think I am having a psychotic breakdown. I was up the last 2 nights unable to sleep because I just absolutely could not make myself feel safe. I kept seeing people—full figured, defined—in whatever room I was in, walking into them and I’d turn to fully look at them and they’d not be there. My brother came into the kitchen and I nearly threw my drink because it scared me so bad. I hadn’t heard him coming. I refused to have the lights off. I heard footsteps and knocks and all sorts of things. A couple of times I heard voices that did NOT belong to my family. I stayed awake until the birds started chirping and the sky outside started getting lighter before I could calm down enough to actually try to sleep.

I’ve been going through old pictures on our external hard drive, and I have noticed 2 things:

1. The Jess of today was being so harshly critical of the Jess of the past. I found myself criticizing everything. EVERYTHING. The unabashed smiles, the open silliness, the mismatched outfits, the fit of the outfits, etc. I absolutely was mentally tearing down this child. This child who was me, once.

2. When I finally looked at little me, and saw how happy her eyes were, how authentic the smiles were, how in the moment and not insecure she was, I realized I was doing exactly what had inevitably had changed those eyes, smiles, and confidence.

Now I wish I was her again, or at least still had her innocence.

The package arrives todayyyyy!

I guess I’ll find out soon if she correctly guesses it was me, or if I stay an anonymous Secret Santa 🤷‍♀️

Also, I have been awake over 24 hours and wish I was sleepy 😪

THERE IS A TINYTAN TAMAGOTCHI NOW?????

It’s $20, but man. The nostalgia. I never had one when they were so popular (we were poor. very poor) but my friends all did and I kinda want it but like—I’m barely keeping these kittens and this big babydog alive 😅