You Guys, Please Pray For Me, Or Send Good Thoughts And Vibes My Way.

You guys, please pray for me, or send good thoughts and vibes my way.

I think I am having a psychotic breakdown. I was up the last 2 nights unable to sleep because I just absolutely could not make myself feel safe. I kept seeing people—full figured, defined—in whatever room I was in, walking into them and I’d turn to fully look at them and they’d not be there. My brother came into the kitchen and I nearly threw my drink because it scared me so bad. I hadn’t heard him coming. I refused to have the lights off. I heard footsteps and knocks and all sorts of things. A couple of times I heard voices that did NOT belong to my family. I stayed awake until the birds started chirping and the sky outside started getting lighter before I could calm down enough to actually try to sleep.

THERE IS A TINYTAN TAMAGOTCHI NOW?????

It’s $20, but man. The nostalgia. I never had one when they were so popular (we were poor. very poor) but my friends all did and I kinda want it but like—I’m barely keeping these kittens and this big babydog alive 😅

Where do you get your inspiration for your writing? I want to get into it but I don’t know where to start

Oh boy, I’m going to be no help here 😮‍💨

Everywhere. Literally everywhere. All the time.

If you could see my prompts & ideas folder/docs you guys would balk at the absolute mess it is. It makes NO sense to anyone BUT ME.

It’s random sentences, pieces of dreams, memories, prompts, titles from books or movies I haven’t even read or watched, daydreams, one is actually from a recipe I read years ago that I don’t remember except that one line, Instagram and Tiktok filters, songs, decorations I’ve seen—literally anything can become inspiration for a project.

I guess the best place to start would be to go through writing prompts until you find one that speaks to you and sparks a storyline or scene. I’ve used prompt generators and prompt profiles (Instagram has some good ones)

Hope that…didn’t completely disappoint you?

What experiences have you had with spirits?

I saw glowing red eyes in my grandmother’s neighbor’s back yard the day she passed. They never were able to say what exactly she died from but she had left a few voicemails for her kids that were disturbing and didn’t make sense. I always thought maybe something scared her to death.

*blinks*

Well, I have had nothing close to that….and thank God above I haven’t—how are you okay?? Does your grandmother still live there?? Do you visit????

I really only have a few experiences that I remember enough to tell, really. Nothing that really scared me longer than a moment or made me feel unsafe.

The earliest one was from a long time ago—and also the first. My mom was in a flurry of anxious rage because my brother had an appointment and didn’t get off the bus when he was supposed to even though she had reminded him numerous times the night before and morning of. Anyway, I closed and locked the door behind them, took my shoes off right there, and went to my room. Like 2 minutes later I heard the door slam and thought maybe they had forgotten something so I called out. No response. Went to check and no one was in the house. The door was still locked, and no car was in the drive. They wouldn’t have been able to leave that quick but I chalked it up to my imagination. Then I noticed my shoes that I had taken off right at the door and planned to pick up later was moved—exactly like if someone had opened the door all the way. I asked mom later if she had come back after they first left and she said no. So yea.

I had one experience at a friend’s house. They lived up in the mountain forests, and we were in her room I think cleaning? Or looking for something? Anyway, she threw something over her shoulder and it ended up hitting the bedside table where she had a glass of water. We heard it clatter to the floor and she sighed and said she’d go get a mop or towels or something. She got up from where we were, turned, and walked towards the door. She stopped almost at it and said “what the hell?” And when I asked what, she told me to come look. The glass was sitting there on the floor straight up, not a drop spilled, like we had intentionally set it there. This was absolutely not possible, with how much clattering we heard when it fell and with how full the glass was. Nothing else was there that could have made the noises. I remember one of us saying “at least it’s a considerate ghost”. We never told anyone else about it back then.

The next one I remember was from high school I think. We had little things happen that we just shrugged off and jokingly said the ghost did, but nothing significant to remember. Anyway. It was the middle of the night, and I stumbled out of bed to the bathroom. When I went back to my room something was standing in the doorway; by which I mean a thick, vaguely humanoid shadow was in the threshold blocking out any light from inside my room. I stopped, blinked at it a couple times, and said something akin to “I’m too tired for this”. After a couple seconds it just faded away and I could see the light on the cable box across the room and the light peaking through the blinds from the neighbor’s nightlight again. I didn’t feel scared or threatened but honestly was so drop-dead tired it could have literally tried to stab me and I would have just sighed or blinked at it. I did remember it immediately when I woke up and said out loud “what the hell was that?”

A friend of my brother had a somewhat similar experience a few years earlier, but not in the pitch-dark middle of the night. It was back when we had a single desktop computer in the family room behind the couch, and we had two rolling office chairs there. My brother was playing something and his friend was waiting for his turn, when he turned to talk to mom and I. He had started to say something and froze, so I looked over and he was pale. He was looking down the hall on the other side of the family room. I said “what?” And he shook his head. He said “I just saw a fireman in that hall, in his fire suit.” I should note that my dad is a fireman and there was a recurring thing at one of the old stations where a fireman had died in his sleep there. They called him Boo, and no one knew where he came from. Story goes that he came in on a train, applied to be a fireman, and that was his life (this was back when the firefighters practically lived at the station all the time if they didn’t have families). Beds would shake like someone was pushing the foot, a bathroom light would come on randomly, and they heard footsteps. One time a guy was woke in the middle of the night by the foot of his bed being shook and said “alright Boo, cut it out!” and it stopped. My dad even had his own experiences and witnessed things. They ended up building a new station behind the old one and it’s now used for storage and as far as I know Boo hasn’t moved to the new one. So after this friend said it was a fireman in turnout gear I rolled my eyes and said “you told him about Boo, didn’t you?” But my brother hadn’t. We had never talked about it around him either. We told him the stories from the station and about the new station and he said “yeah, I think he followed your dad home instead of moving stations”. That was the only incident like that, so whether or not Boo had followed dad home, he’s not here anymore.

Another experience happened in a church late at night. Me and a couple friends were there, and as we passed a window on the second floor that looks down into the dinning hall/gym, me and one friend happened to glance down into the room and saw a figure. The thing is, we were supposed to be the only 3 people in the building. We both jumped at the same time and then stared at the room then each other before asking “you saw that right?” at the same time. The other friend said “I don’t wanna know” and we left after trying to figure out what had moved. It hadn’t been near any doors, and there was nothing to hide behind or anything, but we confirmed with each other that we thought we saw a man walking very fast for a brief moment before he disappeared.

Other small experiences is smelling men’s cologne randomly when my dad and brother don’t wear it, and no one else is around. My mom experiences this too. We don’t know who it could be, as it happed before the men in the family died since we moved to our current house, and they never wore it or stopped wearing it long before they died.

For years I have also heard a male voice call my name when I’m in my room, and the first few times I thought that my dad was home and go to see what he wants and there’s no grown male in the house at all. This has happened since we moved in, but I spend very little of my waking hours in my room anymore, what with having a dog and all.

I’ve also smelled my grandmother’s perfume in my grandfather’s house, but they separated long before I was born; back when mom was in her late teens so like the early 80s. She did live there, but I highly doubt that is where she would haunt or visit in the afterlife. He also had a business employing women in the house at one time, and he was quite the ladies man (and adulterer) back then. So who knows.

Also…and I’m not sure this counts…two years ago my grandfather died of COVID on Christmas. A couple days after the funeral, I had a dream. We (my family) were all hugging him one by one, saying goodbye. After he hugged me, my late great grandfather (my grandfather’s father-in-law) came up to me and said “don’t worry, I’ll take care of him”. I have pretty vivid dreams already, but this felt so different from normal dreams. I honestly believe it was a message from beyond this world; either from my late grandfather and great grandfather, or God. Maybe it was just something my mind created to comfort me, but it wouldn’t be the first time a dream wasn’t just a dream.

That’s all the “ghost” or whatever experiences I’ve had that I can think of at the moment.

If my father says one more condescending/secretly judgmental/hurtfully sarcastic thing to me today I am either going to absolutely explode on him or just go off to bed and cry. I’m leaning towards the exploding thing, because he’s an in-denial, not-so-sneaky alcoholic who is using his extremely mild case of COVID back in fucking AUGUST as an excuse to leaving mom to do everything or it just go undone and I am SEETHING.

I’m this 👌 close to telling him to stop acting like his mother, which short of saying I hate him is the worst thing I could say (I would never say I hate him, I DO love him just don’t necessarily like him atm)

I’ve been going through old pictures on our external hard drive, and I have noticed 2 things:

1. The Jess of today was being so harshly critical of the Jess of the past. I found myself criticizing everything. EVERYTHING. The unabashed smiles, the open silliness, the mismatched outfits, the fit of the outfits, etc. I absolutely was mentally tearing down this child. This child who was me, once.

2. When I finally looked at little me, and saw how happy her eyes were, how authentic the smiles were, how in the moment and not insecure she was, I realized I was doing exactly what had inevitably had changed those eyes, smiles, and confidence.

Now I wish I was her again, or at least still had her innocence.