Im So Embarrassed For Posting That Lame Ass Poem, Idk Okok It Wasnt Lame But, Its Like The Worst Ive

I’m so embarrassed for posting that lame ass poem, idk… okok it wasn’t lame but, it’s like the worst I’ve written haha (that’s why I felt confident posting it but) I’ve related to it in the past and reading it made me super sad and it triggered HOT TEARS ok? But I posted it cause it’s still a heavy poem, it has a lot of energy yk, so yah, but idk, it’s not my fav at all.

I almost lost everything some days ago and that made me fearless

“Three options” is like “I accept it bts” I think that maybe before or after writing “I accept it”, I wrote “Three options” it’s like the diary entry of “I accept it”

One of my most unhealthy beliefs, that if I change I’ll have a better life, is that it’s a fact that I’m free in bad situations. It is my comfort zone when I’m in situations of stress or pure sadness or anger or my life is not how I want it to be. I don’t feel free in situations of justice for me, or moments of pure love or happiness or success. I feel afraid and I don’t feel safe or prepared or confident in those situations, and like something wrong is gonna happen any minute and everything is gonna get ruined. It has NEVER been my comfort zone for the past 20 years. In order to live a better life I have to change that, but I don’t know where to start, I need help on that. I feel like the positives from my life are not real since I’m not used to feel that way and if it’s true, it probably won’t be true for a long time.

This post isn’t even about weight but…

Sometimes I wish I could lose weight and be skinny so people would take my suffering seriously ?

If have a feeling that if i fitted more into beauty standards, people would find me cuter.

And if they found me cuter, it would be easier for them to feel sorry for me. When someone is « ugly » i think people are less likely to feel sorry for them.

It’s like beauty privileges. People are nicer to you if you are prettier. It just is that way !

When I see posts about romanticizing sadness and depression, it always pictures skinny and cute girls.

Maybe it’s because in our minds someone who has more shapes is healthier, too ? So less depressed ?

I don’t know.

But those posts never are about depression making you put on weight.

Yeah random thoughts. I have to be the prettiest at the supermarket so that people will be nicer to me. Can’t face the world otherwise xoxo.

I accept it

I don’t care about my heart

Why should I want to know what I have?

I have nothing to do

I don’t have nothing to lose

If I die, I die

It doesn’t matter

Because I don’t matter

Its ok, don’t cry

You don’t even know me

It doesn’t really matter

I have a headache from crying so much

The cries of a goodbye

The easiest and hardest

Goodbye to my physical health

I don’t care about you

I’m crying because I give up

I won’t die tonight

But I now know how I’d die

I’m not even saying goodbye to my dreams

I’m saying goodbye to me trying

Trying to get out of bed

To make a plan to get better

To have hope

I realized today, that I don’t care about my health

And that even if I try to convince myself that I’m ok

I just wanna kill myself

I wasn’t supposed to be born

But I was

The first ten days of my life I was alone without my mom

I always wanted to die

I’ve always been so sad

And I’m really fucked up

In the head and in the mind

In the heart and in the spine

I’m done trying

I’m so done, I accept it