Lantanaatenta - LANTANA - Tumblr Blog

My mom used to be the person that I loved the most and the person who I hated the most, both at the same time. Now she’s just the person I hate the most. Finally, I evolved.

I’d rather kms than do what someone tells me to

I eat soul food just to meditate I swear. My life is lived just to have the best meditations. I take and give energy just to later meditate. I make energy move just to have the most fulfilling meditation after.

Always smt greater than love, like I can only feel that in soul form, I never thought that was possible, but if that’s what death is like, then I can’t wait to die. When I’m in a deep meditation, in the deepest moment, I just think “if this is death, then I’ll k1ll myself right after I finish meditating” and I repeat that with excitement in my head over and over again, but when I finish and my heart starts to beat differently, I forget part of that feeling, like it’s in a hidden part of my memory that I can only access if I’m in the specific state of mind I was in while meditating, It makes me less afraid of death but since I forget part of the feeling, I get a little afraid again :/

(also, the beautiful visual art is by arozear on instagram and it’s exactly how I feel!)

How tf do I live with a disgusting family secret that was revealed to me two days ago? I will sue this family member asap, but what can I do to live sanely while he’s still living freely?

“You are part of this world. nobody can ever take that from you.” “There is space in this world for all of you. all of us.” “We are one.”

-Damon Baker

One of my most unhealthy beliefs, that if I change I’ll have a better life, is that it’s a fact that I’m free in bad situations. It is my comfort zone when I’m in situations of stress or pure sadness or anger or my life is not how I want it to be. I don’t feel free in situations of justice for me, or moments of pure love or happiness or success. I feel afraid and I don’t feel safe or prepared or confident in those situations, and like something wrong is gonna happen any minute and everything is gonna get ruined. It has NEVER been my comfort zone for the past 20 years. In order to live a better life I have to change that, but I don’t know where to start, I need help on that. I feel like the positives from my life are not real since I’m not used to feel that way and if it’s true, it probably won’t be true for a long time.

I find comfort

I find comfort in thinking about what I want to do

I find comfort in the unknown, and not in a mystic exciting way

I find comfort in the fact that good things might happen

But if I try them

I have the belief that they won’t

So I find comfort in daydreaming and hope

ME! 🙋‍♀️ God please save me from myself, amen.

anybody else in here feel like they're constantly and involuntarily calculating their every thought and action. and doing it wrong

Hashtags on tumblr feel like a JOKE (no offense to this wonderful app but) I just wrote about a psychotic episode but I have to use the girlblogger hashtag to get to my audience still 😭 it makes me feel insane! The switch from the mood I was in as I wrote the actual blog to writing “#girl blogger” made me feel even more insane 😭 now time to write the hashtags for this repost 😭🔫

I haven’t had a visual hallucination since like a decade and a half, but I did today :( Right before taking a nap I saw my wall had kid’s handwriting made with pen and pencil, then it was just pencil and then they looked erased but still there depending on the lighting I was looking at the wall from :( I feel so dumb writing this cause I didn’t notice it was a hallucination when it obviously was :( I know that I was having a psychotic episode and ofc I was out of myself, but as a kid there was a point when I knew when I was having a hallucination or not :( so yeah this is the sad story of today I guess

And I was preparing to wake up angry at my cousin for letting her kids do whatever they want all the time, but I woke up with a normal wall 😭🔫

I haven’t had a visual hallucination since like a decade and a half, but I did today :( Right before taking a nap I saw my wall had kid’s handwriting made with pen and pencil, then it was just pencil and then they looked erased but still there depending on the lighting I was looking at the wall from :( I feel so dumb writing this cause I didn’t notice it was a hallucination when it obviously was :( I know that I was having a psychotic episode and ofc I was out of myself, but as a kid there was a point when I knew when I was having a hallucination or not :( so yeah this is the sad story of today I guess

And I was preparing to wake up angry at my cousin for letting her kids do whatever they want all the time, but I woke up with a normal wall 😭🔫

My fucking friend: angry that I ghosted her for a week

Me: normal about the fact that she stayed friends with my main bully (who ruined my life) for YEARS 🫠

The fact that I’m stuck cause everything was worse 😭

🫠🔫

Diary entry 14/8/2024 at 21:12

I told my mommy about "The point of view of love: when impossibly becomes itself” it's smt I wrote :) she told me that I am very wise (and more than that, but I'm too lazy to type rn) I told her that, cause I think it's the most important part of a healing journey and it’s so powerful that you might not even need to heal, you’ll just be healed after seeing life from the pov of love (I’m being fr, this has happened to me, that’s why I wrote it) I think it's the goal of life that everyone should have. And I wanna start to heal, with both of us having that in mind.

I used to think God could read my mind. That he is all knowing, so of course he knows what I’m thinking. I was scared he would hear me cursing and saying mean things in my head.

Then when I got older i went through hardships and then knew. Either god couldn’t hear me or he was just cruel.

Now I know there’s no use, no one’s listening.

A Girl You Might Know

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE LONELIEST GIRLBLOGGER ON EARTH !

🫠🔫

Option 3 is too hard bye see you in hell or heaven or whenever

Three options

I accept now that I’m too old, I lived enough and I’m afraid, I say goodbye with this note. I regret making new amazing friends because I don’t want them to lose a friend. I don’t have anything, not even physical health, nobody cares about me, especially my mom, she never really cared about me and I don’t have anybody to guide me in life who I feel comfortable with. My life is already too fucked up to be fixed, I’m gonna see people achieve their dreams while I lay in bed consumed by fear, and I will accept that. Will daydreaming be my only source of happiness? I have three options:

1.- Killing myself, something that I always wanted.

2.- Daydream forever and slowly lose sensibility because there are no experiences to stimulate my life no more. Go crazy as time goes by, and as a consequence, losing my ability to daydream. And finally, after some years, go crazier and die.

3.- Don’t give up and try to enjoy life again and fall in love with everything I ever had a passion for, as consequence feel fulfilled, be happy and help others if I can.

But the thing with this one is: it’s too hard and I feel like a loser already, in a good freely way, even tho it’s also bittersweet, I’m writing this with hot tears running down my cheeks because this is the final goodbye to my dreams, I accept it and I’m gonna be ok, I’m just a little scared about going crazy but I’m more scared if I decide to try and have a life, and my body seriously can’t handle more damage, I’d have a heart attack and die, so option 1 or 2 are looking more appetizing. Another thing is, if I choose option 1 or 2 I won’t be able to stop thinking about “what if I decided to go for option 3” and I’d convince myself that if I had chosen option 3 I would’ve been incredibly successful in every aspect of my life.

Making this blog means I’m choosing option 3.

Not hopeful anymore but still trying, not as hard but still trying

Everything is copyrighted 👹 and I’m mentally ok now, I’m hopeful and trying. If you read smt very negative, know that I wrote it in a different state of mind and I don’t feel like that anymore :) and my header is an apple in a microscope

Praying to have at least a beautiful dream for my birthday, since I can’t wish for anything tangible.

I’m crying, I used to be so embarrassed of being this lonely that I wouldn’t talk about it, also because I have my beautiful and wonderful online friends, but I need to hear the laugh of my friends in real time yk, it’s a need !

I can’t do this anymore, I feel like I have a black hole in the center of my chest and it’ll consume me completely anytime. I just wanna make it to my birthday. I swore I’ll make a change to make this one a good one, but I don’t think I did, now I’m afraid my next birthday will be as miserable, it can’t be tho, not two times in a row. Idk what I’ll do for my birthday, it doesn’t feel magical anymore, it even feels diabolic.

I wrote this like two years ago, it’s part of a song and a poem called Lonely nights thinking about hugs

It’s so lonely to sleep at night

Without by my side

‘Cause I don’t even know who you are

I can tell I’m not being kissed

I can tell I’m not being hugged

And I feel the wind passing through my skin

Me whenever I see flowers in the attic fans who actually liked incest?!

Tumblr is simple. I log on. I reblog pretty pictures. I see the most insane opinion a human being can have. I log off

Why does punishing myself feel like a relief ?

I’ve been seeing some videos of people who made the life I want happen for them, it gives me hope, fear and tbh a little bit of jealousy. I wish I had been born pretty enough to post my face online, I wish I could erase myself from the mind of people from my past, and more than anything, I wish I were from a first world country, fuck, at least not from a boring ass country that seems to be allergic to art and fun; I feel so wrong being here and it seems impossible to live somewhere else where I’d feel like I belong.

Making the life I want happen seems so hard for someone like me that I don’t even wanna try, but I can’t stop making poems and writing stories and scripts haha idk, it seems like I don’t have any other options than to never give up, we’ll see

Pics from Pinterest btw

Death, you and also grief

I’m not afraid of death

If you died then it’s ok

If you died then I can too

If you died I wanna go with you

My chest magnet is not attracted to your grave anymore

It’s attracted to your soul

It’s going up like fire

To where you are

Wherever that place is

I don’t wanna live forever if it’s without you

So I’m always excited for my death

If you died and dying as well is the only way to go to where you are

Then I can’t wait for my turn

And if it’s just pure nothing, then there’s no grief