Life Tip #51

Life Tip #51

with dooms week nearing every student, it becomes more and more important to recommend ways of procrastinating that make it f e e l like you’re doing something productive!

watch award-winning documentaries eith oscars that you can vaguely connect to your final essay even though the two topics are completely unrelated and you are trying to convince your teacher you’re educated through abstraction of the fifth dimension

make a plan to study!! and a plan to make your plan!! and then a plan with friends to study!! and then not actually end up studying because none of your friends replied on the groupchat

learn to cook a new recipe! even if you don’t pass your exam, at least you can eat your green bean casserole that you added extra virgin olive oil to and cry!!

find a sugar daddy! since you’re going to inevitably fail, it makes sense to set up a financial plan for the future anyway.

pack your bags and journey off on a romantic and dramatized pursuit of happiness through an obscure town with 1000 residents or less and then write a best-selling novel about it when you’re done, mocking a capitalistic and classist society!!

build a castle out of raisins, become a meme sensation, wind up on ellen, and be gifted with a lifetime supply of raisins that aid you in your quest for power

handwrite every word in your textbook onto a canvas and pass it off a surrealism to a doubtful art collector

create a youtube channel dedicated to filming dogs walking and call it stress relief

Life Tip #66

if one of your friends starts dating a jolene, simply end the friendship right then and there. dolly parton doesn’t deserve this disrespect. 

Life Tip #63

not sure how to start turning your life around? be honest about what you like !! life became infinitely easier after i admitted that horror movies and anything remotely gorey was terrifying and i actually hated them bc i no longer had to sit through them and pretend like i was enjoying myself. you are allowed to have opinions and you are allowed to not share things in common with people !! ppl will still like you even if you don’t share the same preferences.

Life Tip #54

power move: point in random directions while telling stories at a part that doesn’t make sense. watch your audience swivel around in confusion but then lower your hand and continue as if nothing happened.

ex. you: So I was walking my dog— (point at tree behind person)

person: (turns around, sees tree, no dog visible, turns back around) why did you—?

you: (lower hand) and you know, my dog’s a really wild boy, so i’ve been thinking about sending him to a doggy daycare or something, get some tips on how to make him stop peeing on the carpet.

Life Tip #55

a short list of places to escape this dimension:

grocery stores just before closing time, when the people have begun clearing out and you are surrounded by aisles of bright chip bags, the chill of cold meat, the hum of flickering lights, whirring bread ovens, and the loudest noise is the soft tapping of your footsteps echoing throughout the store. you pass an employee, wave hello, but they vanish once they pass by the holiday display and you never see them again. there is no longer food lining the shelves. the products consist of your musings of the universe and what you imagine should be there. somehow, you know where everything is, but only because you have willed it to that place.

gas stations past midnight, when your headlights are brighter than the lights hanging above you, and the smell of gasoline grows stronger the more you think about it. the voice coming out of the machine is different, but you’re not sure if it’s gotten higher or lower, you’re not sure if you’re hearing a voice anymore and yet, you understand everything it’s saying. the swipe of your card is instinct, you’re not sure how much gas cost, but your tank is full now and you hear barking and howling in the distance. it’s strange. you don’t remember there being wolves or coyotes in this area.

streams off the side of the highway at sunrise, where the morning rush hasn’t yet started and for once, the sound of the water outweighs the rumble of streetcars and the water splashes recklessly across the rocks. you wonder when mother nature will take back her earth. you wonder if it is already happening.

empty patios at evening parties when the stars and you stand alone with an icy cold drink in your hand that you can’t hold onto for too long before your hand turns red and numb. your arms have goosebumps and you stare out into the sky, licking your lips, trying to put feeling back into your hands.

school classrooms when the entire student body is at an assembly and you stand alone in the room, basking in the silence.

Life Tip #52

how to pass your finals:

get off tumblr first, dipshit