Not To Brag But I Have A Friend Who Gives Me Attention When I Explicitly Express I Need It And Understands

not to brag but i have a friend who gives me attention when i explicitly express i need it and understands that im cluster b and actively cares for me with it

sometimes i wonder what i could have done differently.

but i was only five, eight, twelve years old. he was only twelve, fifteen, twenty years old.

my brother deserved better. i couldn't have helped him.

i was the golden, favourite child. more beloved than him. so sometimes i wonder what i could have done differently. instead of being paralysed, pathetically crying or drowning out the screaming as i hid. as the police sirens came to our house. having to ignore the blood and slamming noises.

as the golden child. the delicate, younger one. more perfect. more in line. sometimes i wonder if i could have stopped our parents. that maybe he would see my innocent beady eyes filled with sadness.

but i couldn't have.

because as i idealise that life i forget all the times my own life has been on the line. spit on my face. cigarette smoke blowing off his jacket. and where my father would yell at me and my mother would scold him. yet on another occasion the only comfort i could receive was being enshrouded by nicotine while her screams punctured my heart.

being the favourite did not mean being gold. it just meant coming out barely better than last place. it meant i had valued holding my tongue back. under the table jabs rather than overt critiques. that i forgot how to cry. that i cried when it was neither our parents fault and they felt like good parents for comforting me. that that was the only time i could receive attention and love.

my performance was the only thing deserving of love. that i was better than everyone else. but still beloved by everyone. that everyone was looking at me. that everyone was looking at me? i did not feel good about that one. they drilled it into me that i should be happy about it.

i have not had a conversation with my brother until this year. not a proper one.

i still wonder what i could have done differently.

🛑Urgent appeal🛑

My children live under the bombing in the war😭

Stand by me to save and protect my children🙏😢😔

Donate to save my children's lives🍉🙏🇵🇸

https://gofund.me/15b93af5

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“narcissists eyes turn black”

Me with my big black scary eyes: