Actually Cluster B - Tumblr Posts

Okay I’d like anyone that sees this to blind react and put a finger down for each thing in this list you relate to. There are 9 things. You can comment your score publicly or keep it private, up to you, but I think this might be interesting for some people. Here’s the list:

-Do you tend to take criticism too personally, or gotten unreasonably defensive when someone points out a mistake you made? Do you hate admitting you’ve done something wrong?

-Do you like to daydream about doing something amazing (such as saving people from a burning building, being the one to win your team the game, being an amazing actor in a movie, etc.) and having people recognize you for the great thing you did?

-Do you place in importance on being associated with important or high status things, like trying to date/be friends with the coolest kids in your classes, or choosing to go to a prestigious university over a common state school?

-Do you tell people about things you’ve done specifically to get praise for it? Such as telling your friends about the A you got on that really hard math test, or pointing out your cool new hairstyle, or the drawing you did that you think looks really cool, specifically so that they will compliment you for it?

-Do you feel comfortable prioritizing yourself and what you want/need over other people?

-Have you ever diminished your accomplishments, or been purposefully self-deprecating so that the person will reassure you (i.e. “You’re such a good artist!” “Oh no I’m really not, anyone could do what I do” “No really, your art is amazing!”)?

-Do you find it hard to genuinely care about other people’s problems?


-Do you get jealous easily if, let’s say at a party, your friend is getting more attention than you?

-Have you ever felt secretly happy that someone around you failed or did worse on something than you did? Like maybe you didn’t want your friend to fail their math test, but them failing it did you make you feel a little extra good and proud about the non-failing grade you got on it.

(Scroll for explanation for spoiler reasons)

So what that list was a rewriting of the DSM-5 diagnostic criteria for narcissistic personality disorder, where for each section I filled in one of the ways I actually feel that part of the criteria. So instead of “grandiose sense of self”, I said “bad at taking criticism”, because that’s one of the ways my grandiose sense of self actually presents. If this was the original diagnostic criteria, you would need 5 of 9 to be diagnosed with NPD.

The reason I asked you all to count how many you relate to is that I have seen a lot of egotypicals do this exact same stuff. My goal is to help someone possibly unfamiliar with NPD understand that people with NPD are not the foreign, subhuman monsters that we are so often represented as, but rather people who feel some normal human traits too much.

(Also please don’t use this alone to self-diagnose, it was not made for that)

(Also also, thank you to the people in the reblogs for letting me know I could’ve used the read more feature. I am new to tumblr so tips on how to use it are appreciated)

when i was first trying to figure out what the fuck was wrong with me i initially googled like. bpd. and was like oh this kind of sounds like me but i also dont feel enough for it.

and then i googled aspd and was like oh this kind of sounds like me but i care too much for it.

and then i didnt look any fucking further like a dumbass

me tryna figure out which pd i have

image id: the meme with the guy that has a detective board and looks crazy

@lehhoh7822 sent me this video and now i have to post about it because i love talking about about hypersexuality and shame but im too lazy (aka feel too incompetent) to type my thoughts out so i share it with yall

ik this was the implications of the post but i wanna js type it out anyways that it feels really shit sometimes to live in such a shameful world that is so focused on everything being right.

i know sometimes the need to be good and "worthy" and all the other fun shame npd/hpd shame things in my head is exaggerated, but there truly is so much external shame. like where do we think it came from?

i was ranting to my friend about feeling inadequate in my kindness. that i felt shame for being selfish about it. that the fact i loved the attention from being kind made me feel so shit about myself. so horrible. that i was disgusting for it. that im a fraud. that i felt that i constantly had to mask because i either had to be kind or be shunned from society. that i had to be kind or the scum of the earth. that the fact i had to mask with kindness meant that i was actually the scum of the earth. because "truly kind" people didn't have to mask.

and that my kindness wasn't good enough. that i wasn't doing enough. that i was not good enough in my kindness because it was imperfect, or that it was because it was too inherently selfish which made it shit. or not worth it.

they told me that they literally did not care where my kindness came from. just that i was kind to them mattered. and that i was doing enough! that imperfection isn't bad! that kindness isn't going to inherently be good or perfect. that its okay to want thanks and praise for it. that i have needs too.

that i have needs too.

and that i did not always have to mask. kindness goes multiple ways, i can offer kindness. and people can be kind to me back when i am being a bitch. that i did not always have to hide the bubbling anger and hurt inside me. (because i matter too) (that i do not have to earn kindness) (that i do not have to earn kindness).

they also brought up that i was kind in so many ways that could make an impact. selfish or not. kind to the six year old kid that i'm going to grow up to hate. kind to the kids i've adopted in year 7 that i sometimes resent. kind to my friends who are complicated and hard and who deserve love no matter how much sometimes my brain gets so tired of loving and hurt from loving that it takes the feelings away again, that it makes me want to kill them sometimes. kind to my horrible ex, where its so much easier to be kind to them than my other friends but also so much easier to hate them forever. kind to them, always.

(they are truly the nicest to me) (and they make me better for it)

they told me that my kindness was a choice. that i chose over and over again to be kind. even if it was probably more of an inconvenience. even if it is the bare minimum, the fact that i choose it over and over again is so cool. (that even when it's the bare minimum most people do not realise how unkind they are as they preach its importance). that my kindness mattered no matter where it came from.

im just going to copypaste the thing they sent me

"the motivator is invisible!!!! you could be chaotic evil but all ur evil deeds are fundmentally kind and it literally would not matter!!!!!!!!! i know it wont change it, the feeling of hating and loving the attneiton as a thing that is good/bad wont change just from sasying this but i rpomise

it feels bad but its not"

who cares what a "truly kind" person is? that's not a thing.

i am kind for a multitude of reasons. i am kind because i learned to care about (some) people. i am kind because i want to try to help kids be happier, so they wouldn't end up like me (so that they won't hurt other people, so that they won't hurt themselves) (and even if they end up like me they will have someone to go to, someone who is somewhat positive in their lives, someone who will not hate them for being like me). i am kind because i love the attention from it (and i have to remind myself that that's okay, that i am not bad for wanting people's care). i am kind because i choose to be (and i don't always have to be).

and that's pretty cool.

I love you people who show kindness because "it's what you're supposed to do". I love you people who show kindess because they like being thanked. I love you people who show kindness because it makes them feel good. I love you people who show kindness because they were shown kindness first. I love you people who show kindness for "selfish" reasons. I love you people who show kindness for the "wrong" reasons. I love you people who show kindness in a body that rejects the very notion. Your kindness is not any lesser because of its motivations. The good you added to the world is just as valuable as someone doing it for the "right" reasons. Your effort is seen. Your effort is valued.

the assault is the human's perverted eye that is so blinded by delusion that it does not see its own perversion

and that god's own eye is blinded by his own false sense of justice

where the voyeur causes an exhibitionist in all human and cannot realise their normal is justification for an action that god would pardon for intention intention has been so valued that the self does not see its own wrongs it convinces itself that it's doing good

when human tells another's self it is hurtful it is intention that deludes and fuels the vitriol that may be justified with perspective of which an axe does not realise that it did not only slightly graze a tree but destroyed an entire forest

god does not care about forests in a way that matters

petrichor does not rise he cannot wash away the sins tacked on me by a human's hand a god's hand perverse

the exhibitionist’s hand forces skin to rise to the surface their disgust facetious to their own heart to forget their undying hatred for themself that they do not know (it is less painful that way)

to speak of it (them) (it) is to force discomfort in another and it is easier to shut than to be torched by their sputtering anger that avoids the feeling of the truth of the perversion that lies in the world and hence of the souls

all god would do is throw flames at the burning trees

prayers are gone unanswered in both his name and theirs

(i have begged to be saved from where i dangle from their arms like a handbag and ribbon has been shoved in my mouth for my own good as a bow sits at the corner of my lips and i smile because to speak is to sin )

my body has never been mine

sometimes i like wonder if im actually narcissistic until i talk to my parents and im like. oh yeah. right.

the holy trinity is god, my mother, and him. (but the trinity is more than three, where my ex, my father, and they all also sit and laugh.)

when someone asks me what i like

i hate my brain because im supposed to be studying but i literally cannot stop thinking about how (basically me, my ex and our friend we all went to a thing together) and my ex split to go study somewhere else different from us two and after they split off us two (me and my friend) the vibes immediately went up lol

that is to say, i am superior to my ex in every way and i bet theyre miserable while us two are actually being productive (well as productive as i can be while these thoughts fucking took over my mind. i hope posting this makes them shut the fuck up a little bit) and i hope theyre fucking sad while us two are joking around

bro haha i used to do the groups thing but then i tricked myself into thinking it wasnt worth my time. also the blogs one is just about instagram lmao

Woe I made a hyper specific NPD bingo

Egotypicals can interact just dont be weird

being hpd/npd/in recovery is fucking wild because theres this guy that is so obsessive and i have like three reactions to him:

holy fuck hes fucking obsessed YES PLEASE hello??? i can do whatever the fuck i want??? and he is so akjsjjkaskdjksakjajsdlasjkdsa. the attention he gives me is so everything and i dont have to do anything for it. like ill wake up and have three digit notifications from him. LIKE. HELLO. and i can literally not even read any of it and send him a one sentence response. and he is so fucking EASY hes like a fucking dog. like he'll do whatever i say and he gives me so much attention especially sexually and romantically and god. its so FUNNY. its so addicting and like. he doesnt even fucking realise how much hes obsessed. (and he doesnt realise this isnt what friends do.... haha)

i hope he fucking kills himself. like. he is the worst man ever and he is so ANNOYING and he has such a shit reputation and can we just fucking drop him already like fucking. i hope he dies. i hope he suffers a long and painful death. but not too long. god and can he like stop. ive already told him multiple times to his face that i hate him and i hope he dies and that i dont care about him. hes such a nuisance and ive told him. like. stop. stop stop stop. kill yourself. like please hes such a BITCH- calling him a dog would be an insult to dogs.

hello why the fuck are we still??? talking to him??? god we are fucking arguing with ourselves everyday and also like its not worth it. and also he's fucking stalking us??? like yes i understand we get a kick out of it but also we are terrified??? LIKE. AND HES AWFUL. AND ANNOYING. can we fucking stop talking to him already??? we've expressed to him multiple times we hate his ass and he doesnt listen. he doesnt fucking listen???? gang- like-

anyways worth it

gang i love having low empathy honestly. just makes life slightly more convenient. like yeah maybe i want emotions but like. empathy kind of seems like a bother no?

if there was no one around me, who would i be?

would i even want to draw doodles in the sand?

not to brag but i have a friend who gives me attention when i explicitly express i need it and understands that im cluster b and actively cares for me with it

sometimes i wonder what i could have done differently.

but i was only five, eight, twelve years old. he was only twelve, fifteen, twenty years old.

my brother deserved better. i couldn't have helped him.

i was the golden, favourite child. more beloved than him. so sometimes i wonder what i could have done differently. instead of being paralysed, pathetically crying or drowning out the screaming as i hid. as the police sirens came to our house. having to ignore the blood and slamming noises.

as the golden child. the delicate, younger one. more perfect. more in line. sometimes i wonder if i could have stopped our parents. that maybe he would see my innocent beady eyes filled with sadness.

but i couldn't have.

because as i idealise that life i forget all the times my own life has been on the line. spit on my face. cigarette smoke blowing off his jacket. and where my father would yell at me and my mother would scold him. yet on another occasion the only comfort i could receive was being enshrouded by nicotine while her screams punctured my heart.

being the favourite did not mean being gold. it just meant coming out barely better than last place. it meant i had valued holding my tongue back. under the table jabs rather than overt critiques. that i forgot how to cry. that i cried when it was neither our parents fault and they felt like good parents for comforting me. that that was the only time i could receive attention and love.

my performance was the only thing deserving of love. that i was better than everyone else. but still beloved by everyone. that everyone was looking at me. that everyone was looking at me? i did not feel good about that one. they drilled it into me that i should be happy about it.

i have not had a conversation with my brother until this year. not a proper one.

i still wonder what i could have done differently.

i hold nothing but pure rage in me

Warning: some parts of this may come off as insensitive, dark, and/or concerning on my end. I do not give a fuck about that; I've read through this multiple times, made sure to tweak things, but I'm not going to walk on eggshells anymore for the comfort of someone else right now I am so fucking tired. So if you're offended by something cold or brass that I said, leave me alone about it. Go do your self care routine and take care of yourself, but don't make it my problem. I'm autistic. I likely have ASPD and almost certainly NPD. I am going to say things sometimes that are way more mask off than what you'd expect, because neurotypicals love playing games and hiding what they fucking mean or are too scared to say what they mean in fear of harming someone's feelings. I've developed this, to an extent, because it is necessary to survive. But no, this is my blog, my feelings and thoughts, and I deserve a space to be honest for fuck's sake! Don't like that I'm not playing games? I'd suggest clicking off or scrolling by now. That said:

neurotypicals are so annoying about empathy and compassion. No Sarah, my ability to not be scarred and shaking from a gore video or a distressing audio does not make me an edgelord or a sociopath. I think it's dramatic and theatrical to put so much effort into caring about strangers, it's a weakness. But you know what I don't do? I don't go 'lol you're just soft haha' to their faces (which I've seen other people do) because that's fucking cringe. I know people react to certain things differently even if it seems fake and overemotional to me. But these people go out of their way to whine about an insensitive joke on the INTERNET or someone not being phased by something. Also, you don't know if the people making jokes are really unphased or just coping with humor, you can't just fucking psychoanalyze and armchair diagnose a random person on the internet!

(school shooting, human and animal death mention under the cut):

You don't need to piss your pants every time someone dies in order to register that the death shouldn't have happened. It's like with the latest school shooting, I don't react all that much to school shootings because wow, another one? how many useless deaths happened this time (note: useless as in it could have been easily prevented)? You know how I feel about lack of gun control? I think it's dumb! I think children shouldn't have to go to school with the fear of not coming home due to some fucker with a gun! If that makes me a sociopath to *checks notes* react logically and not emotionally to tragedies, then so be it.

The truth is that I'm just autistic. It's true that I have antisocial traits, but I'm not a 'sociopath' in the sense that people mean it. People think I'm manipulating them when it couldn't be farther from the fuckin truth, and I grew out of hurting living things so I'm not going to kick your dog to death or dismember someone's grandma. By the way, can we stop equating that word with cold blooded killer? I've been told I behave like a serial killer by a counselor for things such as separation anxiety, even compared to JEFFREY DAHMER as a teenager by a stranger online for viewing gore as a beautiful thing (I'm now painfully aware how bizarre that view is to 'normal' people, but it doesn't make me a serial killer to be fascinated by gore in such a way). Joke's on both of those people, I haven't killed anyone yet like they clearly thought I would.

I'm used to 'sociopath' being used as a word to dehumanize and demonize me and people like me. But hell is it annoying for pop psychology girlies to think everyone is sociopathic for not extending their emotions to yet another death. Death happens every day, how are you not used to it? You'd think everyone would be used to it by now, and this does not mean to lack the drive to want to change the world. But of course, the 'empath' phenomenon has done massive damage to the collective human psyche. You know the type of person I'm talking about: the 'narc/antisocial/borderline/histrionic abuse' pedaling, 'hyper empathetic' girlie who makes it their whole personality to be so kind! So caring! So empathetic and compassionate!

I hate these people. They're so all of the above until someone has a cluster B disorder or general lack of empathy. Then suddenly they aren't very caring and kind, nor compassionate with an abundance of empathy! But yes, the autist who doesn't distinguish between a human being and a Gmod NPC unless given reason is the problem, not somebody shitting on an entire group of people with personality disorders (sarcasm).

It's just irritating, and I felt like talking about it.

me as a little kid: is told that to be a narcissist is to be a self-absorbed abuser

internalizes this, misunderstands 'self-absorbed' as any sort of indulgence in confidence

develops depression by 8 years old, has a horrific lack of self-esteem and hardly allows myself to fully receive compliments

at least I'm not a narcissist!

me now: is a narcissist

ID: a tumblr comment by @/ukrainian-psycho that says '@/eldritchbauble I don't think a sociopath would've say "sorry" on a tumblr post' end ID

HELP, this is some fakedisordercringe type fake claiming.

(read in a Chills voice) top 15 ways to figure out if someone is faking ASPD: number fifteen, they say sorry. everyone knows that if the word 'sorry' appears anywhere in their messages or leaves their mouth, that isn't a true person with ASPD because real people with ASPD NEVER SAY SORRY!!! they feel NO REMORSE, so 'sorry' is not part of their vocabulary. they don't know what that word means. -that person, probably

also, I'm sure American Psycho fans are the true experts on ASPD./sar

Sorry I forgor to maintain the edgelord persona 24/7.

I'm getting better! (I started sobbing uncontrollably instead of cutting myself)