Cluster B - Tumblr Posts

me

I'm getting better! (I started sobbing uncontrollably instead of cutting myself)

This and also I wish I didn't take every interaction with m friends for granted

i wish i could feel emotions the normal amount

CW: MENTAL HEALTH STUFF, SUICIDE, PSYCH WARDS, VENT, THE PUMPKIN THE GENTLEMAN AND MELANIE MARTINEZ SITUATION

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Being mentally ill as a minor and rarely getting the proper help for it is genuinely traumatizing.

I just started school the week after I got sent to the psych ward, and it's been so stressful to have to deal with trying to re-integrate myself into society, and I feel like I'm back where I started a couple of weeks ago. And I feel horrible about it.

I'm back to being on the internet non-stop, which means I'm having to constantly see shit related to the pumpkin the gentleman and Melanie Martinez situations and constantly arguing with people over it, and I've had to switch to taking different ADHD medications, because apparently my insurance doesn't cover my last medications, and it's $40 a refill, and since I was left unmedicated for the past two weeks, I've been struggling to pay attention in school, and it's really setting me off. And it doesn't help that I got forced to go off my anxiety medications because it was causing my mood swings to get worse..

I hate being mentally ill. I hate having people actively avoid me over my mental illness, I hate constantly thinking about killing myself, I hate having all of my thoughts be jumbled around all of the time, I hate how I hurt people and can't do anything to stop it, I hate myself so much, I hate it all.

Therapy was supposed to be a fresh start in my life, but I guess it doesn't matter how many "starts" I get. It all ends the same.

There's always something that messes it up and suddenly I'm back to doomscrolling on tiktok for hours at a time and mass-blocking all of my friends when something happens between us. It's draining and awful to go through almost every day.

And the fact that my bpd symptoms have gotten to the point where I'm hurting people over it makes it worse, because then it makes people hate me even more, and I've lost a lot of friends over it (I miss those friends btw)

I just wish I could go back to the psych ward, I was so much happier there and I didn't have to worry about all of this 24/7/365.

CW: VENT, PSYCH WARD MENTIONS

And just like that, I'm one thing online going wrong away from considering quitting and sending myself to a psych ward so I could live there for the rest of my life and hopefully never be let out so that I can finally stop suffering.

Seriously, it's so fucking hard to avoid getting into any controversy nowadays and i can't take it anymore wtffff

God forbid a neurodivergent and mentally ill person has a happy ending i guess...

CW: VENT

i just want to give up already. I don't even know who i am anymore.

(FYI: this isn't targeted at any specific individual, this is just in general. Thank you.)

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You wanna know what genuinely makes my blood boil?

How whenever I talk about my negative views on relationships and how I have the constant belief that everyone hates me and is secretly talking shit about me, people tell me that "oh you're invalidating my feelings! " "I'm not a bad friend" "You're being a dick!"

Yet when I call out someone for invalidating how I fell, I get told that it's not invalidating and that I'm the one making this an issue, and it just- AUUGGHHHHHH!!!

It also pisses me off how people can act the exact same way and not get shit for it whatsoever, but when I act like that, all of a sudden I'm a bad friend who's selfish?? FUCK THAT!

idc if some of these people have good intentions or not. If you tell me that you care for me and love me, and then turn around and get mad at me for still having negative views on my friendships, that is not "love", you're just being ableist.

It feels a lot like people are targeting ME specifically because I happen to have BPD, and idk if i'm overreacting or not but that really says something about these people's actual views on BPD.

I hate how people also expect me to be able to control those feelings, like genuinely what the ACTUAL fuck...

Someone can give all of their time an attention for the rest of their lives, and yet I will STILL perceive them ignoring me or their tone changing one day as a sign of them hating me, that is how my brain works.

I feel like people forget that one of the main symptoms of BPD is an instability in relationships, and that also comes with an unstable perception of those relationships. IT'S ONE OF TH MAIN CRITERIA FOR FUCK SAKE!!! It also comes hand-in-hand with paranoia too, which makes it worse because once you get into the thought, it's difficult to snap out of it.

idk man, I just wish people actually, you know, made my emotions feel valid???? God I hate people sometimes...

Tired of it, something’s gotta change.

"they say that it gets better, but I guess that was a lie, I get we all just fake it 'til we die. Sympathy and love, we can extend to someone else, but it's harder when you have to love yourself." ~ I deserve to bleed by Sushi Soucy

I'm starting to think one of my friends hates me because of how much I vent about my negative perceptions on relationships and I'm considering ending the friendship with her just so she doesn't have to deal with me anymore.

UPDATE: I did it.

bpd culture is "why are you taking so long to respond??? did i say something wrong?? do you think im stupid/weird??" :(

.

I want to feel important please 🫧

Things I'm good at :

• ??????????

• ???????

•????

• ???????

• feeling like a burden and bed rotting

Normalize lying to your therapist so you won't get admitted to the grippy socks jail.

And just like that, I have wasted another weekend, in my house, scrolling through social media and arguing with dumbasses on tiktok, and not hanging out with my friends or going out.

I fucking hate my life.

bpd traits culture is I love them so much so why do I keep having the strong urge to block them

- 🪨

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Im trying to prove a point to my mum

Repost if school has caused:

Anxiety Depression Suicidal thoughts Social anxiety Eating disorders Self harm Stress

"I wish I had BPD :3" NO YOU FUCKING DON'T...

Just today I lost one of my closest friends because I decided me THREATENING TO KILL MYSELF AND REFUSING TO LISTEN TO ANYONE WHO TRIED TO STOP ME FROM KILLING MYSELF was a good way to handle a mental health crisis I was having. And when I tried to apologize because by the time i wanted to reconnect, i realized I fucked up and needed to apologize, they didn't want to fucking hear it, and now most of the people who saw what happened don't want to talk to me anymore over it.

This shit has happened NUMEROUS times in the past, and shit like this is the sole reason why BPD is even medically recognized as one of the hardest disorders to live with (look it up if you don't believe me).

BUT APPARENTLY PEOPLE ARE SO FUCKING UNEDUCATED ABOUT BPD THAT THE MINUTE SOMEONE SHOWS A NOT-SO-PRETTY SYMPTOM OF BPD ALL OF A SUDDEN THE PERSON IN QUESTION IS THE WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD, IT'S FUCKING AWFUL....

I'm shaking rn as I'm making this post, and I'm still getting myself admitted to the ward because I'm still in a fucking crisis, but I just hate how awfully romanticized bpd is, and I wish there was a cure for it because I hate living like this.

I hate losing the only people that actually give a shit about me, I hate lashing out at and leaving people that clearly don't deserve it, I hate mis-perceiving the tiniest flaws in relationships as threats, I FUCKING HATE IT ALL.

And get this: The whole Pumpkin The Gentleman situation and the Melanie Martinez situation are making this shit worse for me because now I have to deal with people's opposing views being misperceived as a threat and therefore ruining relationships I actually care about.

Basically It's a never-ending cycle of me losing people I care about and dealing with the after effects of that, plus my already existing mental health issues that are fucking me over, and I just want to go into a coma rn and forget about all of this.

none of this is funny, having BPD isn't funny, abandonment issues aren't funny, losing friends isn't funny, fuck y'all, goodnight.