Phone Call

Phone call

Need to make a call. Stress about it. Push it further. Stress builds. Not much time left. Decide to do it. Dying of stress. Fumble hard. Burnout. Call over. Exhausted. Bit later, relief.

slow motion

I remember a lot of moments in my childhood were my heart would race, but not uncomfortably so, and the world just slowed down, everyone was happening so slowly. I felt like I had super speed. I didn’t know then that was a symptom of my declining mental health. I don’t feel super anymore

Scary

We all know that once you understand something, it stops being scary, you can work around it, counter it, avoid it. Natural phenomena can easily be understood and conquered, so can animals, they're all susceptible to our weaponry. They can only scare when they're hidden from us.

The mind can not comprehend itself, it is simply impossible. You can't make model something as complex as yourself. In this vain understanding others becomes intensely difficult, predictions will never reach certainty.

So in conclusion, the only things that can not be understood is people. You yourself are unpredictable, so are all others around you, there can never be security or comfort in that. People are scary.

there was a long period in my life where I was habitually constantly thinking up explanations and justifications for every thing I did, as though preparing all the time to be interrogated for it. not sure exactly when I stopped. probably "not being in an abusive environment" went a long way.

anyway bits of the habit still leak out on occasion, and I've found that entitlement thing a very helpful counter. like I'll catch myself building a detailed explanation of my purchases at the supermarket or some shit, and I'll be like, "wait a minute, why the fuck am I trying to justify this I can buy whatever I want!" and move on

Obligatory post, cause I haven’t felt like paying anything in a bit.

I’m insanely easy to irritate, because I finally figured out what I wanna do after finishing my apprenticeship, which is to study a very specific thing, but I get absolutely zero support when I talk about this to anyone. Like thanks dad for immediately pivoting to hours I need to work more.

Aside from that I’m thinking of doing something like a coffee diet, but possibly with juice also, cause I crave taste in my mouth. My oral fixation is really biting me on this stuff

Emotions

I do not believe that I have a full set of emotions. I have anger, loneliness, and fear. When I’m not angered, I say that I am calm, without knowing what actual calm feels like. When I’m not lonely, I call that love, without knowing what love means. When I’m not afraid, I say that I’m content, without ever feeling relief.