Scary

Scary

We all know that once you understand something, it stops being scary, you can work around it, counter it, avoid it. Natural phenomena can easily be understood and conquered, so can animals, they're all susceptible to our weaponry. They can only scare when they're hidden from us.

The mind can not comprehend itself, it is simply impossible. You can't make model something as complex as yourself. In this vain understanding others becomes intensely difficult, predictions will never reach certainty.

So in conclusion, the only things that can not be understood is people. You yourself are unpredictable, so are all others around you, there can never be security or comfort in that. People are scary.

Normal

Whenever I feel and act "normal", there's a profound sense of discomfort attached to that. Discomfort isn't the correct word, it mainly feels wrong, it makes me feel empty inside.

There's also constantly a mosquito in my room, I hate this.

Something that’s incredibly hard to deal with is when a friend you used to have, starts hating you viscerally and like it’s clear that it isn’t even personal, but a projection of some trauma. And like I still care, because of course I do, but they don’t listen to me, so someone else has to talk to them. And because it’s so localised on just me and a few others, most everybody from the social group still gets along with them.

What a garbage vent post.

Delusions

In a clinical environment or with close friends, I can share my hallucinations, because I know they are, they're external, foreign. But delusions are internal, they're part of me, I can't tell where the actual idea ends and the delusion starts. I know exactly what will happen when I share this, I will be told that all my odd beliefs are delusions, but I can't accept that. So what if they're weird or inappropriate, I can't just get rid of them, and why would I? Every single possible reaction scares me, so I just keep quiet and never know.

Music time

I wanna talk about music too, it's intensely important to me. Let's start with the name-sake of this blog.

Lovely Lovely Little Lie by SUPER NH

The way this one makes me feel is difficult to put into words. On the one hand it speaks to the emotions of losing something important, the aimless anger, the sadness, the guilt, but in a much more complicated way it speaks to me about loneliness, screaming and nobody hearing. Just trying so hard to be heard that you exhaust yourself, putting on a facade to garner at least some attention, then trying to show your real self and being alone again.

slow motion

I remember a lot of moments in my childhood were my heart would race, but not uncomfortably so, and the world just slowed down, everyone was happening so slowly. I felt like I had super speed. I didn’t know then that was a symptom of my declining mental health. I don’t feel super anymore