Scary

Scary

We all know that once you understand something, it stops being scary, you can work around it, counter it, avoid it. Natural phenomena can easily be understood and conquered, so can animals, they're all susceptible to our weaponry. They can only scare when they're hidden from us.

The mind can not comprehend itself, it is simply impossible. You can't make model something as complex as yourself. In this vain understanding others becomes intensely difficult, predictions will never reach certainty.

So in conclusion, the only things that can not be understood is people. You yourself are unpredictable, so are all others around you, there can never be security or comfort in that. People are scary.

Emotions

I do not believe that I have a full set of emotions. I have anger, loneliness, and fear. When I’m not angered, I say that I am calm, without knowing what actual calm feels like. When I’m not lonely, I call that love, without knowing what love means. When I’m not afraid, I say that I’m content, without ever feeling relief.

Void

I was born empty, devoid of humanity. In life I learnt to build a shell around the void in pretty colours and nice shapes, a facade to hide the emptiness in my soul.

But that shell, it never fits quite right, it's always wrong, there's a shape it's supposed to be, a way it's supposed to look like, but I do not know what that would be. So I keep crafting, painting, changing, never happy with it.

Delusions

In a clinical environment or with close friends, I can share my hallucinations, because I know they are, they're external, foreign. But delusions are internal, they're part of me, I can't tell where the actual idea ends and the delusion starts. I know exactly what will happen when I share this, I will be told that all my odd beliefs are delusions, but I can't accept that. So what if they're weird or inappropriate, I can't just get rid of them, and why would I? Every single possible reaction scares me, so I just keep quiet and never know.

that was unhinged, let me contextualise. I only had twenty minutes in my break to cry and clean up, but I did it faster. Nice

Crying any% sub 10 minutes let’s gooooo

Recommendations

Not really done much of this before, but I do wanna recommend some media.

I just got done watching 12 Angry Men again and I love that movie, it truly stands the test of time after over 60 years. A simple Jury meeting with no bells and whistles, we see it all unfold in real time, a masterfully written discussion with twelve very different people and how minds can be changed in a dozen different ways. It's a majestic movie and you need to watch it.

In a different vein, I want to recommend 1984 by George Orwell, but not the actual book, but an original Audio Drama adaptation of it. We all know at least the basic plot of the novel, but here you can really feel what Winston is feeling, paranoia, love, defiance, sorrow, and loss. Andrew Garfield does an amazing job as Winston and there's so many more great actors involved. It's the Audible Original version, so idk if you can get it elsewhere, but at least it doesn't cost you a store credit to get it.