Void

Void

I was born empty, devoid of humanity. In life I learnt to build a shell around the void in pretty colours and nice shapes, a facade to hide the emptiness in my soul.

But that shell, it never fits quite right, it's always wrong, there's a shape it's supposed to be, a way it's supposed to look like, but I do not know what that would be. So I keep crafting, painting, changing, never happy with it.

I need to stop masking, let people have a glimpse at the real me.

apprentice (i always enjoyed their repoire, i think they would make great allies. khyber holds more respect for ben than a lot of his friends do)

Delusions

In a clinical environment or with close friends, I can share my hallucinations, because I know they are, they're external, foreign. But delusions are internal, they're part of me, I can't tell where the actual idea ends and the delusion starts. I know exactly what will happen when I share this, I will be told that all my odd beliefs are delusions, but I can't accept that. So what if they're weird or inappropriate, I can't just get rid of them, and why would I? Every single possible reaction scares me, so I just keep quiet and never know.

there was a long period in my life where I was habitually constantly thinking up explanations and justifications for every thing I did, as though preparing all the time to be interrogated for it. not sure exactly when I stopped. probably "not being in an abusive environment" went a long way.

anyway bits of the habit still leak out on occasion, and I've found that entitlement thing a very helpful counter. like I'll catch myself building a detailed explanation of my purchases at the supermarket or some shit, and I'll be like, "wait a minute, why the fuck am I trying to justify this I can buy whatever I want!" and move on

I THINK WHERE I COME FROM IS LEAVING, a 13-page hxh fancomic i made for @zine--garden. (thank you so much for having me T__T everyone keep an eye out for aftersales!)