Normal

Normal

Whenever I feel and act "normal", there's a profound sense of discomfort attached to that. Discomfort isn't the correct word, it mainly feels wrong, it makes me feel empty inside.

There's also constantly a mosquito in my room, I hate this.

Something that’s incredibly hard to deal with is when a friend you used to have, starts hating you viscerally and like it’s clear that it isn’t even personal, but a projection of some trauma. And like I still care, because of course I do, but they don’t listen to me, so someone else has to talk to them. And because it’s so localised on just me and a few others, most everybody from the social group still gets along with them.

What a garbage vent post.

Crying any% sub 10 minutes let’s gooooo

Obligatory post, cause I haven’t felt like paying anything in a bit.

I’m insanely easy to irritate, because I finally figured out what I wanna do after finishing my apprenticeship, which is to study a very specific thing, but I get absolutely zero support when I talk about this to anyone. Like thanks dad for immediately pivoting to hours I need to work more.

Aside from that I’m thinking of doing something like a coffee diet, but possibly with juice also, cause I crave taste in my mouth. My oral fixation is really biting me on this stuff

Relationships

I find it easy to look down on people, for being stupid yet somehow conceited, for being deviants, for being rude, for a lot of reasons really. I can't deal with people I look down on, they're not worth my time.

On the other side I can't deal with kind people, genuine good people. They don't deserve someone like me, they deserve a real person, another kind person, not this hollow facade of a person.

There is no middle, no sweet-spot where I feel like I belong.

Void

I was born empty, devoid of humanity. In life I learnt to build a shell around the void in pretty colours and nice shapes, a facade to hide the emptiness in my soul.

But that shell, it never fits quite right, it's always wrong, there's a shape it's supposed to be, a way it's supposed to look like, but I do not know what that would be. So I keep crafting, painting, changing, never happy with it.