Slow Motion

slow motion

I remember a lot of moments in my childhood were my heart would race, but not uncomfortably so, and the world just slowed down, everyone was happening so slowly. I felt like I had super speed. I didn’t know then that was a symptom of my declining mental health. I don’t feel super anymore

Emotions

I do not believe that I have a full set of emotions. I have anger, loneliness, and fear. When I’m not angered, I say that I am calm, without knowing what actual calm feels like. When I’m not lonely, I call that love, without knowing what love means. When I’m not afraid, I say that I’m content, without ever feeling relief.

Effort

It's hard to find the balance between stressing on smth so hard, obsessing over every single detail and actively avoiding doing anything, and trying to just reach the bare minimum. Idk what this is called, but I have this problem, some kind of executive dysfunction maybe.

Something that’s incredibly hard to deal with is when a friend you used to have, starts hating you viscerally and like it’s clear that it isn’t even personal, but a projection of some trauma. And like I still care, because of course I do, but they don’t listen to me, so someone else has to talk to them. And because it’s so localised on just me and a few others, most everybody from the social group still gets along with them.

What a garbage vent post.

that was unhinged, let me contextualise. I only had twenty minutes in my break to cry and clean up, but I did it faster. Nice

Crying any% sub 10 minutes let’s gooooo

Music time

I wanna talk about music too, it's intensely important to me. Let's start with the name-sake of this blog.

Lovely Lovely Little Lie by SUPER NH

The way this one makes me feel is difficult to put into words. On the one hand it speaks to the emotions of losing something important, the aimless anger, the sadness, the guilt, but in a much more complicated way it speaks to me about loneliness, screaming and nobody hearing. Just trying so hard to be heard that you exhaust yourself, putting on a facade to garner at least some attention, then trying to show your real self and being alone again.