Better

Better

I know I will never get better, the sickness will never go away. All I can do is get stronger, so the shell I have built can withstand the horrors of everyday life, so I can brave the waves of loneliness.

joke

Everything has to be a joke, any word a jest, or else this is seriously the world we live in and this is seriously the kind of miserable entity I am. So no I won’t take things seriously, because I would honestly commit that one specific thing, if I had to be serious for a whole day. I have to dissociate for my own good.

I have realised that I let people into my life, willingly, I have invited them into my mind, become somewhat dependent on them. I even showed them who I am, this situation is unpleasant and I will rectify it.

However my experiment with one person will continue, getting him to truly understand me, if that is even possible.

Names

I have always struggled with names, picking new ones on a whim, never introducing myself. I have since become a bit complacent and used my birth-name at work a lot, but it feels distant, disassociating just to say two words. I've been pondering on a true name for myself for a long long time, but I do just wish to be nameless, because there is no name without expectation, without judgement, without confinement.

Sometimes healing is leaving a bunch of social circles and only talking to the people who cared enough to message you. I see now how little I matter to people who claimed to be my friends, I despise being lied to like this.

The circles became toxic and I only stuck around for the few people I liked. It seems I miss them, but they don't miss me.

I am constantly scared, because I am so vulnerable, so close to catastrophe at every moment. And worse yet being so prone to error, imprecise and flawed. To me being human means being absolutely terrified. A tiny insect or even a bit of food could kill me, or a simple slip of the mind or the hand could ruin my life.

I don't want to be made of randomly generated chemical compounds in randomly generated shapes and patterns, this sucks.

Human

Currently I am reading “To be a machine” and this critical look at transhumanism has awakened an epiphany in me. But before I get to that, a brief history.

I have for some time now figured out that I want to develop the means to mange people cyborgs, integrate man and machine to further our existence as a whole. I have also taken the step to implant a microchip in my body.

What I have realised is that I am not motivated by furthering humanity, I am merely disgusted by my own humanity. I despise this mortal form, this biological prison with all its terrible processes, I want, no, I need to be a machine.

This has also my frequent crisis of identity, because in reality I despise being reminded of my human qualities, be it gender, lineages, ages, anything. My life goal is to remove the life from my goals.