You're Not Ascending To Godhood You're Just Dehydrated

you're not ascending to godhood you're just dehydrated

there's something really emotional for me about the Percy Jackson TV series

When my brother died and I lost alot of him, I found an absolutely destroyed book which I didn't even know the title of because the front pages had been ripped out and the cover had fallen off. The first line was "Look, I didn't want to be a half blood".

My brother had three pjo books - the lighting thief, the sea of monsters, and the battle of the labyrinth. I consumed those books looking for my brother, but when my mother bought me new versions, including the titians' curse, which explained a lot I didn't know before, I found my favourite series instead and a feeling of being seen with the whole adhd and dyslexic thing. I stopped looking for him.

But when I think about it, I did find him. He had Percy's sarcasm, Jason's sense of honor and doing right (I know he's HOO but he counts and I love him), he definitely had dyslexia but the jury's out on the ADHD, Chiron's knowledge from experiences none of us want to live through but want the lessons from, Classrie's fight and anger, Annabeth's real-life intelligence and street smarts, Tyson's unwavering devotion to his sibling (s in my brother's case), Luke's rage at the system, Bianca's unfair lot but determination to make life the best it can be for their younger siblings.

My brother died at 14 in 2013. He never saw me even hit double digits in age, never saw me go to university, never read Heroes of olmpus. But he's here, I think, in some small way.

Now, ten years from when I lost my brother, there's a TV series of what was his favourite series and mine. It's like reading the books for the first time again and finding my brother again.

I’m jealous of those who can function like a normal human being. They don’t have anxiety holding them back from everything, they don’t struggle to get out of bed or have to put on an act that everything is fine when its not. They don’t struggle to hold friendships and relationships… they don’t feel sad for no fucking reason everyday. Those that can hold jobs and work towards their dreams, the ones who have self esteem and see the beauty in themselves. Those that know what its like to feel safe and secure, not insecure and fearful of it all. 

it’s horrific. awful way to die. either you’re trapped with no chance of being found, air running out, everyone around you suffocating, or the hull is broken and you get turned to jelly by the crushing ocean depths. ik they’re billionaires so it’s very contentious for me. generally i prefer no one dies horrifically. like just as a fellow human being on earth. but i dont think the ultra rich ever extend that mindset to others. climate refugees. and just everything. it feels like something a greek god would do to punish them. it has a certain swagful je ne sais quoi if removed from the human suffering which billionaires have to do philosophically to maintain their positions. very haunting. the hubris of it all. old jalopy metal tube steered by a mad catz controller. to go look at the titanic. which is nothing but a rusted out metal wreck full of fish and silt. btw. the grandiosity of it is completely unrecognizable. one has to wonder what compels ppl to even look at it in the first place. like the prestige of seeing some filthy grown over shell? crazy thing to die for. very textually rich… bad way to die as a human being. great way to die as a narrative about human greed and folly i guess. good job. mission accomplished?

being attracted to blond men is a sign something is really wrong with your psyche

the fact that when i do something i consider “wrong” or that’s something i wish i hadn’t done i feel the need to tell someone about it and i can’t just do the work and forgive myself on my own? horrendous

the fact that i feel the need to get someone else’s permission to forgive myself for things? horrendous

the fact that i have considered going to confession bc i know it would feel good to hear someone tell me i’m forgiven even tho it would just start the vicious cycle over again? horrendous