Was I The Only Aro-spec Person Who Had The Experience Of Thinking That I Had Crushes Growing Up, But

Was I the only aro-spec person who had the experience of thinking that I had crushes growing up, but looking back, they might not have been crushes because 1. I could never or only rarely name any traits that I liked about them (and those rare times that I could were traits that I simply admired), 2. I felt immense relief when they rejected me, or 3. I just wanted to have a crush, so I chose a person and consciously decided to develop feelings for them, not knowing that it doesn't work like that?

oh to be immortal and be able to consume every piece of knowledge and literature ever

Something I recently realized that helped me understand my aro-spec identity is that my "crushes" that I can remember weren't actually fueled by romantic attraction for the person. They were actually fueled by attraction towards the idea of dating/liking them, but not actually them as a person. I wanted to find my soulmate and as soon as I found someone that I thought fit that ideal, I would start daydreaming about being with them, but I wasn't really attracted to them as a person, just my idealized version of them and the relationship. As a result, I couldn't really name any traits about those people that I liked, aside from surface level ones like, "funny," "nice," and "hardworking." And while I was aesthetically attracted to them, I never really fantasized about kissing them or being super romantic with them (aside from maybe hand-holding or hugging), and if I ever tried, it made me uncomfortable and felt like I was violating them. Did anyone else have a similar experience or is it just me?

donna tartt: literally writes an entire 600 page book about how it can be dangerous to do things just for the aesthetic

us, already making pinterest boards: oh to be a classics student in vermont in the 80s drinking whiskey from a teacup and occasionally murdering people