My Eyes Are Sweating Thats So Weird??? My Therapist Will Hear About This Btw

my eyes are sweating that’s so weird??? my therapist will hear about this btw

honestly? heart wrenching and then adding 5sos’ unreleased song???? the insanity!! that song used to have me on such a chokehold and reading it unlocked some memories holy -

if you don't know - bang chan

genre: angst

pairings: idol!bang chan x fem. reader

warnings: none

notes: tumblr deleted @zerothreetwentyfive so i'm reposting here cos idk if i'll ever get that blog back 😭

wc: 1723

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ˏˋ°•*⁀➷

"go ahead rip my heart out, show me what love's all about,

go ahead rip my heart out, that's what love's all about.

i want you to want me this way, and i need you to need me to stay. "

'if you don't know' - 5 seconds of summer

you remember the day chan proposed.

he came home with bags of takeout after a long day of dance practice. the two of you chatting and exchanging stories that happened over the past few weeks but hadn't had the opportunity to be shared until that night. you remember how chan reached over to tuck a stray hair behind your ear so it wouldn't get into your food.

after, the two of you split up the cleaning tasks. you washed and dried the dishes. meanwhile, chan took out the trash, swept the floor and wiped down the table. he finished his tasks faster than he normally would and he opted to stand next to you. chan danced around, bumping hips as he sang whatever came to mind, giggles leaving your lips as you continued to scrub the dishes. he leaned down, placing a kiss on your cheek before letting you know he'd go wash up quickly, whilst you let him know you'd meet him in bed once you were done.

when you opened the door to your bedroom you didn't expect there to be rose petals scattered on the comforter. in shock, your eyes moved to the front of the bed where chan knelt on one knee, a black velvet box in his hands as he smiled up at you.

"y/n," chan opened the box to reveal a gold diamond ring inside.

the moment chan began speaking you remember feeling like you were dreaming. floating on cloud nine as he professed his undying love for you and his will to spend forever with you. you don't remember at what point in his speech your tears began to stream down uncontrollably or when you decided to cover your mouth that hung open at the sight of the man in front of you. all you remembered was the way he stared up at you.

his smile reached ear to ear, his eyes smiling at you in crescent moon shapes as his eyes sparkled, glistening over with tears. the moment you dropped to your knees, nodding and trying your best to utter the word "yes!" through your sobs, chan's tears also began to fall. you threw yourself into his chest and he rocked you both back and forth, repeatedly whispering in your ear how much he loved you, his excitement to spend the rest of his life with you.

it's been a year since chan proposed. the night replayed in your mind almost daily, subconsciously you feared that that moment would fade from your memory. you never wanted to forget how happy and in love you felt that night, how secure you felt in chan's arms.

now here you are.

your fingers fiddling with your ring as chan stands across from you, on the other end of the kitchen island. the both of you looking in each other's direction as your chests heaved slowly, your faces red with heavy breaths leaving both your lips. his body moves to slump over the kitchen island as his hands fold in front of him to support his body weight. chan's dark brown eyes scan over your face but avoids your gaze, his eyes looking more tired than they did almost two hours ago.

you clench your jaw as you pinch your eyes closed, leaning your head towards the floor, taking a moment to collect yourself and calm your frantic emotions. his eyes slowly move down to look at your hands which have turned white from how hard you're gripping at the edge of the kitchen island, scanning the gold band around your ring finger. you take another deep breath before looking in his direction once again. scanning over your face, chan notices the way your cheeks are damp with tear stains.

"what happened chan?" you wonder, your voice coming out whiny and broken, "we haven't gone on a proper date in months. when you get home we barely even speak and i can't remember the last time you told me you loved me these past couple of weeks. its like i barely even know you anymore!"

you watch as chan catches his bottom lip between his teeth, nibbling at the skin instead of responding to you. you move from your spot standing behind the counter and to the dining table, taking a seat on one of the chairs before your knees go out from how rapidly your heart is pounding.

"what am i here for still chan? just to do your laundry, cook your meals and clean the apartment?" you gesture to the dining table next to you.

you cooked dinner in hopes that you would be able to have a freshly cooked meal together only for chan to text you that he would be back later than usual and not to wait up. ending up with you eating a warm meal three hours before he came home to eat the leftovers sitting on the table in a tupperware.

"i'm your girlfriend, not your maid or a house sitter. fuck, i'm not even your girlfriend, i'm your fiance chan!"

your fingers go to the gold band around your ring finger, as if the more you touch the ring the better the end of this conversation would go.

"say something, please!" you plead, crying out to the man who's still leaning against the kitchen island, his eyes focused in your direction but avoiding looking directly into your eyes.

"i'm sorry," he mumbles, "i-i don't know what else to say other than i'm sorry."

"do you still want me? do you still want us?" you ask him in a hushed tone, your voice breaking at the end of your sentence. you're scared for his answer. you've never once felt scared or nervous about asking chan about his feelings toward you until this very moment. your heart pounds in your chest as you see the way his eyes change.

"of course i still want you! i love you, i want to build a family and be with you forever! you're my forever y/n!"

you want him to say that. you wait for him to say those words but he doesn't.

he doesn't even utter anything along those lines, let alone any words at all. his lip is still between his teeth as he stares in your direction, his eyes emotionless. even as he watches the tears fall faster he stares emotionlessly.

"chan."

"i'm sorry but i don't know," he drops his head into his hands, "i don't know what i want anymore."

you feel your heart skip a beat as you choke up a sob. the weight on your chest suffocates you as your heart drops, shattering into millions of pieces. your fingers stop their fidgeting at the band on your ring finger, falling away and onto your lap.

it feels like the world has stopped.

the room stills, the only sounds are your sobs and whimpers. neither of you moving an inch from where you are currently as the situation slowly sinks in. chan's head is still in his hands as he listens to your cries, he questions himself on why he doesn't feel anything; why he feels nothing listening to the gut-wrenching cries of his lover, the person he once believed he would spend the rest of his life with, the person he couldn't see a future without, why does the thought of losing you not phase him.

he hears the sound of the chair scraping against the floor, slowly he looks up from his hands and he finds you standing in front of him. your eyes red and heavy avoiding his gaze, cheeks flushed and damp with tears. your small hand moves to wrap around his wrist, your left hand curled into a fist coming up and resting on his palm. chan's gaze moves from your hands before he focuses on your face again.

"convince me to stay," you whisper, almost inaudibly, "please."

chan can hear you, loud and clear. he gulps and releases a shaky breath, "i'm sorry."

you hear a part of your brain telling you to fight, fight for chan and your relationship.

but you're tired, exhausted. your heart is pleading with your brain to stop, telling it that it hurts too much to hold on. telling it that you're too tired to be the only one who wants this, to be the only one fighting. that small urge to fight for chan fades as your heart gets progressively heavier in your chest.

you pinch your eyes closed again as you nod slowly. painfully trying to acknowledge the situation laid out in front of you, trying to accept it as if your whole world isn't crumbling at your feet. your breath hiccupping as your eyes meet his for the first time since this conversation began two hours ago. maybe even the first time in the past couple of weeks that the two of you have looked into each other's eyes.

the longer chan looks into your eyes, the more he notices just how much has changed.

chan remembers the way your eyes sparkled on your first date. the way you would tear up when you laughed really hard, your eyes glistening as you laughed out loud. he remembers the way your eyes softened and lit up when he told you he loved you for the first time. whenever he came home from a bad day, looking into your eyes would wash him over with a sense of relaxation, comfort and stability; chan had always felt like everything would be okay the moment he looked into your eyes.

but now the once bright, sparkling orbs full of life that he fell in love with were now devoid of life, dull and dark. he can see the pent up exasperation in your sunken-in, tired eyes. your eyes stare into his; almost like you were searching for something that he wasn't saying. searching for the slightest hint of love, of longing for you, of heartbreak, a reason to stay.

slowly, you open your hand that's laid on top of his. your nails gently scraping the surface of his palm before chan feels something drop into his grasp.

your engagement ring.

you take a step back, your eyes never leaving chan's as you take one last good look at the man in front of you.

"goodbye, chan."

part two

erase me from your memory.

💭 GUIDELINES ‣ LIBRARY ‣ TAGLIST & ANONS ‣ IN PROGRESS ‣ REQUEST LIST ‣ PINNED

pairing: hyunjin x gender neutral reader

content warnings: post-breakup healing, sadness

rating: 13+

summary: half a year after you and hyunjin break up, you find that you’ve somehow healed.

🌱 untitled — hyunjin & i.n (2 kids’ show)

His name is one that your journal has known for a very long time – and it will be one that it will never forget. Pages upon pages you find him embedded into every word you poured out, every tear, every smile was written for him without you realizing it. Your entire world spun around him, and just as soon as he waltzed into your life, he left.

Please erase me from your memory and go find your happiness, he’d said to you then as you begged him to stay. He didn’t seem to understand that his touch would forever be tattooed onto your skin, his passing love would always be yearned by your heart, and his words would forever burn in your mind. Hwang Hyunjin would be a love that you were determined to remember for as long as humanly possible, because although his feelings for you had fizzled out over time, it was once as intense and real as the sun that rises and falls every day.

You weren’t angry at him anymore, a part of you had finally come to understand that nothing lasts forever, and that Hyunjin was your dream love and would always remain just that – a dream. All that was left of you was a shell of who you’d once been before him, though there was a certain hollowness that ate you up from within. Dying of heartbreak was something you thought was real when you watched the door close behind him for the very last time, spending weeks catching glimpses of his shadow from the corner of your eyes and deluding yourself into thinking you’d heard his voice as you waited for your shattered heart to finally give up pumping your blood through your veins. A life without Hyunjin was one you didn’t think was worth living.

However, half a year has gone by since you spoke to him last, and you were still alive, still breathing. You were currently in the same park in which you’d met him some years ago, sitting on the very same bench in which you’d sat with him for hours after first meeting as you chatted about everything and nothing and unknowingly fell headfirst into love. And although the memory sent a twinge of pain, you realized for the first time in what had felt like forever that you could breathe properly and that you were okay now. Most of all, you understand now that Hwang Hyunjin would be a memory that you would look back on with fondness when you’re older and wiser – perhaps he will be the love you would tell your children about when they inevitably get their hearts broken for the first time. You were grateful for the opportunity to know such a unique soul, and to have had him in your arms if only for a brief moment.

You saw him from afar today at the coffee shop at the end of the street, but you don’t think he noticed you. This was what compelled you to return to this park for the first time in a while, because he looked well and healthy. He had carried on with his life, and maybe you have as well. All you could really hope was that he remembered you as well, and that when he found his next lover, if he hadn’t already, he thought of you and the beautiful life you had once planned together.

Please erase me from your memory and go find your happiness, he’d said to you then as you begged him to stay. He thought forgetting would be a blessing, but you didn’t need to forget him to feel okay or to find happiness. You didn’t think he understood the impact he’d had in your life and that was okay.

You are fine. You are alive and well, but most importantly, you are healing.

word count: 644 🌱 posted: 12 • 01 • 2023

💬 a note from green;

after posting jeongin’s you can blame me if you want, i listened to the song again. somehow doing it made me think of my own journal — specifically from when i was going through my first heartbreak. it was a bittersweet experience, and i was able to see how much i’d grown since then. for the first time since i thought about my ex, i realized i was grateful for the pain. without such pain that they caused me, i wouldn’t have learned what i wanted and needed out of a relationship.

to anyone who’s going through a breakup: no one dies from a broken heart. one day you will wake up and your heart won’t ache anymore. it won’t feel empty. a day will come when you will smile again, fall in love again, and look back at this moment with pride as you take notice of your growth.

🪲 TAGLIST !

# @grandpafelixx

every time i read something of yours i’m all in my feels STOP (please don’t actually here’s all my love 💕💞💓💗❤️‍🩹❤️)

can i be 🦨 on your anon list? because if your writing keeps fucking me up you’ll be hearing a lot more from me

🥹🥹 omg?? this is so sweet?? i’m honestly living for this energy honestly

also YES you can be 🦨! thank you for your support and lmfao i love adding pain to my work so chances of my writing continuing to “fuck you up”, as you said, are very high so i’ll be looking forward to your feedback 🥹

my twenty-first birthday will be on the twenty-first of december. that is eighteen days of me waiting, and eighteen days of me wishing i had someone to share it with. not to say that i will be alone, but there’s only one smile i wish to stare at on that day, and one pair of arms to wrap around me. but she’ll be on another time zone and i’ll sit here and eat my cake without her.

hi green! i just noticed that you’re planning on writing for more k-groups??? the fact that enhypen is on the list makes me excited because they’re one of my ult groups 🥰 have you gotten any requests for them or have you got anything planned for them?

- 🦨

omg hi 🦨! i actually haven’t gotten any requests for them and i also haven’t really had any organized ideas for them yet. to be fair, i started getting into them like last week because a mutual is starting a series on them and i wanted to support them. BUT if you’d like to request something, i’d be more than happy to write it for you! i just hope i can do them justice 🥹

ALSO, PS: check out my mutual’s series (project fall in love)! it’s with jake and so far it seems very promising! here’s nova’s blog: @grandpafelixx ENJOY IT!

i could only ever dream of having thought of something as achingly beautiful as this piece of art. this is definitely something that will keep me up at night, and i honestly won’t be mad about it.

Sweet Hyunjin that doesn't like aegyo but does it for you to make you laugh when you're sad.

Sweet Hyunjin that always gives you a front piggyback when you fall asleep on the couch "my sleeping beauty, let's get you to bed"

Sweet Hyunjin that pretends to be reading but instead he studies every feature of your face until you catch him and he blushes "a lifetime wouldn't be enough for me to take in all your beauty"

Sweet Hyunjin that makes you rest your head on his lap when you watch movies. He definitely caresses your hair until you fall asleep. "My sweet angel" he'd whisper while carefully grazing his fingers on your cheek.

Sweet Hyunjin that presses his lips on yours and always opens his eyes after you open yours. He always hums softly and stays there, lost in the touch of your lips, his thumb grazing your cheek.

Sweet Hyunjin that holds back his tears whenever he says goodbye before a long tour. He cups your face with both of his hands and rests his forehead on yours to avoid making you cry before pressing his lips to it and hugging you tighter "I already miss you." he speaks with a soft and hushed voice.

Sweet Hyunjin that always looks back at your window and mouths "I love you" before he gets into the car. He definitely has tears brimming at his waterline as he looks at your window once more and gets inside the car.

Sweet Hyunjin that sends you a message as soon as he arrives at the destination "I want back...I want into your arms...please..."

Sweet Hyunjin that sometimes comes back a day earlier than he tells you because he wants to surprise you "I know what I said but my heart missed yours too much..."

Sweet Hyunjin that kisses you softly, melting into your arms as your fingers gently rake through his hair "Please hold me a little longer...I've missed your touch..."

Sweet Hyunjin that leaves sticky notes on the bathroom mirror when he wakes up before you "You're gorgeous!" "Still blushing after all this time?"

Sweet Hyunjin that pulls you closer at his chest and kisses your shoulder to wake you up "Good morning, ma chéri..."

Sweet Hyunjin that can never paint you like he wants to because "You're perfect, my love. It would take me a lifetime and I still wouldn't finish painting your beauty"

Sweet Hyunjin that goes grocery shopping but forgets the groceries because he bought flowers for you and he can't wait to get back home "I couldn't wait to see your smile. Yes, love, I promise I'll get the groceries this time hehe."

Sweet Hyunjin that watches the sunset with you, holding your back tightly at his chest while his arms rest on your waist. He often intertwines his fingers with yours, whispering into the crook of your neck "I love you, darling, so so much..."

Sweet Hyunjin that climbs the bed in the morning and presses soft kisses from your shoulders to your knuckles before looking into your eyes "My lady, breakfast is served..."

Sweet Hyunjin that kisses your tears when you crumble and start crying at the note hidden under the plate. "Is that a yes?" he giggles between tears and kisses your trembling hand before setting a delicate ring on your finger.

Do not copy/modify/repost without my permission.

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