Humans Are Weird: Reflecting On Life

Humans are weird: Reflecting on life

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“And on this November the 17th we celebrate the galaxy’s greatest explorer, James Loza! The man who mapped the dark regions, the first one to survive the dreaded Red Star Nebula, breaker of the Veil of Idrium, and-“

“Turn that noise off.”

Hellus looked up from his book at the sudden remark. He had been sitting quietly for so long in the hospital room he had nearly forgotten that he wasn’t the only occupant.

“Are you sure?” Hellus asked his bed ridden friend. “I thought you enjoyed the lime light?”

“Just turn it off, you stubborn bushwacker.”

Hellus chuckled and rose to his feet, calmly walking over to the television embedded in the wall and turning it off. Turning around he got the full glimpse of his friend, and it still made him uneasy to see it.

His human friend was laid out along a clean hospital bed with so many tubes and cables running into him he looked more like an ancient cable box than a living being. The tubes and cables ran into nearby machines that beeped and wheezed randomly. The doctor had explained what their function was but Hellus had not been interested enough to listen. What he did know was that they were the only thing keep his friend alive, and without them…..

“James,” Hellus began but was cut off.

“I know what you’re going to say, old friend;” James Loza said, his words muffled by the breathing mask over his mouth, “but my answer still hasn’t changed.”

Hellus ran his hands through his quills in frustration. James may have been on his death bed, but he was as stubborn as the first bar fight he had met him in some ninety years ago. Back then Hellus had been working as a library clerk and James had been a young runt from a wealthy family seeking adventure. The two quickly hit it off and somehow James had sold him the idea of taking his family’s small ship and sailing into the unknown stars seeking adventure.

For nearly eighty years the pair of them had done just that, making a name for themselves along the way as the “Starlight Pioneers”. James had loved the lime light which suited Hellus fine since he hated having to deal with the public. His face was plastered on everything from lunch boxes, to billboards, and even in one strange case exotic sexual toy’s that to this day James still had no idea what species they were used for.

Reflecting on those youthful memories only made the sight before him even more painful as his best friend sat on death’s doorstep.

“You’re not being reasonable.” Hellus said, pacing back to James who despite his increasing pain laughed.

“When have you ever known me to be reasonable?” James countered as he took several deep gasps of air. “Was I reasonable when I said we could steer through that pod of void whales?”

“No, but-“

“Or how about that time we were invited to that Vorpal prince’s home but got chased out because we mistook his harem for a brothel?” James continued cutting off Hellus as a smile crept on to his face.

“You are not taking-“

“And I still have the scars from when I challenged the pirate queen Amelia Starfeld to a sword fight using our feet?”

“ENOUGH!”

Hellus’s shout was deep and powerful enough to shake several of the medical machines and rattle the windows of the medical room.

Whenever James didn’t want to give a straight answer he would always try to change the subject by telling one of his tall tales or acting the fool, but Hellus was not going to let it happen this time. This time he would get a straight answer.

The door to the room opened and a nurse pushed her way in. “Is everything alright?” she asked the pair of them, though she was eyeing Hellus as if he was somehow at fault.

“Everything’s fine.” James said, dismissively waving her away. “Me and my old friend were just remembering so of our adventures and we got carried away.”

“Alright then.” She said calmly before excusing herself out of the room. “Just push the button by the bedframe if you need me.”

The door closed shut once more leaving the pair in silence save for the rattling gasps James made as he took each breath. It felt like it could go on forever until James spoke up.

“I’m tired, Hellus.” James began. “My adventuring days are done.”

“But they don’t have to be!” Hellus said rather loudly. “With today’s medicine we can easily extend your life another-“

“Hundred years?” James finished. Hellus grinned and nodded.

“Maybe two hundred if everything goes well.”

Instead of the excited response he had expected Hellus was surprised to see James shaking his head.

“I know there are treatments and clone body’s and surgical implants that can make me neigh immortal, or live as long as you Hellus,” James said in a tired voice, “but the truth is I think I’ve reached my journey’s end, and I am content to mark my “X”.”

“Why?” Hellus asked as he felt his legs grow weak and slumped back into a nearby chair. The final hope he had for saving his friend being tossed back in his face. Tears of pure green formed in the corners of his eyes as if the dam he had built to hold back the sadness he had pushed away had finally broke.

Hellus heard a creaking sound from the bed and looked up to see James had pulled himself upright and was looking directly at him. He took one final deep breath from his mask before taking it off and setting it to the side.

“So many blank pages of the map I’ve filled in,” James began, “so many mysterys we’ve solved and cataloged…..”

To his surprise Hellus saw it was James now seeming sad. He couldn’t understand why speaking of his accomplishments would bring anything but joy, but humans were always a strange species.

“I want to die knowing that there is still some wonder in the universe.” James said. “I want to die knowing that there are still blank pages on the map; that there are still sights to see that defy reason and challenge our very understanding of the world around us.”

Hellus held out a hand and clasped James’s right hand. He could feel his friend’s hand tightening around his own as if to transfer what little comfort he had. There would be no changing his mind, no final miracle to save his life, no sudden change of heart….

James Loza, his best friend, was dying; and there was nothing he could do to stop it.

So caught up in this dark state of mind Hellus failed to notice James bringing his left fist in for a punch across his face. The impact was hardly anything and felt more like being slapped with a wet napkin, but it was enough to make Hellus open his eyes and look at James in confusion.

“What did I say about getting all mopey?” James chuckled.

Hellus remembered back in their adventuring days that James would always playfully punch his face whenever he was acting gloomy. He would say “If you’re heads off in the clouds this will remind you to keep your feet in the present.”

Despite everything Hellus couldn’t help but laugh. Even on his death bed his friend was still looking out for him.

James laughed as well before coughing violently. Hellus helped him put the breathing mask back on and let him recline back into the bed.

“You know they’re all going to miss you after you’re gone.” Hellus said as he sat back in his own chair. When James’s dumbfounded expression was his only response Hellus elaborated. “Your fans and family.”

James scoffed dramatically. “My family will be upset they can’t leach off me anymore, but I’m sure my fans will find someone new to worship after I’m gone.”

He looked over at Hellus with a boyish smile. “I know you’ve always wanted to have a fan club of your own.”

Hellus resisted being baited into another debate of fan club sizes and picked up his book again. He was just about to return to reading it in silence when a thought came to him.

“You think of any final words you want to be remembered for?”

James sat in silence for some time before finally giving a response.

“When you finally kick the bucket, come find me; I’ll be needing some fresh stories.”

Hellus chuckled at that. “I’m sure your fans will love that.”

“A pity then it was only meant for you.”

At this Hellus looked up from his book. James Loza had drifted back into a deep pain killer induced sleep with that cocky smile plastered on his face knowing he had yet again gotten the final word.

Aliens with humans

(sorry if anyone has already brought this up)

so, aliens reacting to humans laughing at the wrong times/awkward situations. 

but…

imagine humans laughing when they’re gonna absolutely fuck something up 

Alien: It seems we are surrounded, by multiple weapons, and have a good chance of dying, what shall we do

Human (with a big bazooka or some deadly weapon): *cackling*

Alien: If I may ask, how is this situation comical

Human (still laughing): Because I’m about to fuck this shit up

Alien who has been around humans for a while: I suggest we all take cover immediately.

Space Orcs and the Myth of Harmless Prey Animals

Human, talking to Alien about a bully: So, what you're never going to fight back?

Alien: I am of a prey species, we are not capable of fighting back.

Human: So, what? You'd just stand there and let something eat you??

Alien, flapping its flipticles in helpless anxiety: What else can we do? We are not born with the ability to do harm. We are plant-eaters.

Human: What's that got to with it? The most dangerous animal on Earth is a herbivore and it's a bulletproof tank of pure bloodlust.

2nd Human, who was listening in: Also most herbivores can and will eat meat if they get the chance to scavange on smaller corpses.

Alien then realizes "Wait...humans also feed family and friends. Jim ensures I don't skip meals. Am I...family?"

"Am I family?"

Jim looked across the table and smiled as he passed a few more rashers of bacon over to Chix.

"We've served together for over eight years. You're the godfather of my son."

Jim's toddler, Charlie, sat on the floor playing a simple game of trying to grab Chix's tail as its tip wriggled back and forth.

"You helped Akiko get to the med bay when she went into labour."

Akiko was in the kitchenette area of the quarters, pouring herself another cup of coffee, "I think you were more scared than I was," she laughed to herself.

Chix almost shuddered at the memory. Egg-laying was so much more civilised. There were fewer fluids involved.

If Jim noticed Chix's discomfort, he said nothing. "You've saved my life, at least half a dozen times, I gave you an open invitation to come over to breakfast every morning, last year we went a whole parsec off-course to get you back home in time to see your oldest hatchling get married."

Chix nodded, "screw the company and its schedules," he muttered under his breath. It had been Jim's mantra during the entire trip.

Jim shook his head, that same smile still on his face. "And you only ask now, NOW, after all that, if you're family?"

Akiko joined them at the table, giving her husband a little kiss on the cheek as she sat down, "Chix," she said with all seriousness, "you were family the day you came aboard."

Chix almost felt like crying. Though that might have been because Charlie had finally caught his tail. The little one had a strong grip.

Honour

"What is he doing?!"

"He's taking off his helmet."

Human crew mate Gabi takes a long look at dhym, blinking almost as confused as Gaalg feels. Dhy really doesn't understand how they can be so calm when their human crew mate Lucas just took off his helmet mid duel. He could've won then and there, his enemy's helmet helplessly flung across the arena, but instead of taking the chance, he takes off his own.

Humans being reckless are a known fact, but this is breaking all records.

"Oh!" Gabi's eyes light up as if they suddenly understand Gaalg's worry "I get it. You're wondering why Lucas took off his helmet"

"Yes! Why would he do that?! That will only make him more vulnerable!"

"It's a matter of honour"

"... Honour? What honour is there in being vulnerable?"

"What honour is there in attacking the defenseless? This is a duel, not a brawl, it's honourable to fight on same ground, to make the fight fair"

Humans are beyond reckless, Gaalg hears instead, they're well into ethical madness.

“The Universal Human Guide said most human forms of affection can come across as romantic for most intelligent species…”, the little alien said, in a saddened tone. “But in reality, the humans are just doing their little thing. No romance involved”.

The crew looked at their friend. A human patted him in the back, being as careful as possible to not accidentally hurt him with her strenght: “Who are you trying to court? I can help you out”.

The alien shivered, embarassingly covering his eyes. “N-not necessary!”

“C’mon, dude. Just tell us already!”, another alien said. “Our human here will help you out”.

The small one became even smaller. A little ball of fur and neon formed, trembling as he whispered the little secret: “It’s Barbs… The tech guy”.

The human woman blinked an eye at a time.

Barbs, who was also at the cafeteria, but had simple opted to not bother the group, spoke nonchalantly:

“I have been flirting with you for the past three months”.

“You have?!”, the little alien screamed, horrified.

“I have”, Barbs agreed.

“He has”, the woman agreed. “He has been quite explicit about it, y’know”.

“No way”, he quivered. “N-no way!”

“I gave you flowers!”

“Humans give flowers to others all the time!”

“These were roses!”

“Weren’t roses for friendship?”

“Red roses are not!”

“A-a-a-and what about our expedition to Mena-7?”

“That was a date!”

“A date?!”

“I told you I loved you and you thought I meant it as a friendship sign”.

“You meant it as romantic?”

“Why wouldn’t I?!”

“I-I don’t know, I don’t speak human!”

“You read the Universal Human Guide fifty times!”

“I-I-I still don’t know how your sarcasm works!”

——-

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