Humans Are Space Orcs - Tumblr Posts

One of the running themes in "humans are space orcs" circles is the idea that humans will bond with anything. I can think of plenty of stories of humans making friends with wild animals, alligators, predators, creatures that aliens would immediately recognize as too dangerous for contact. But I was reading a story about two orangutans released back into the wild today and there's a certain element to that story I haven't seen so often: humans will bond with animals regardless of whether the bond is reciprocal.

For every story of a human making friends with some unlikely creature, there are dozens of stories of conservation specialists tranquilizing animals, tending to their wounds or illness, and releasing them because they're too dangerous to handle consciously. Stories of tagging birds of prey and timber wolves and Siberian tigers. Fat Bear Week? Any of those bears would rip your face off without hesitation. But they're round and fluffy and intimidating and beautiful and we love them even though they hate us. We make an effort to protect our monsters, because we love our monsters.

Imagine an alien planet that's experiencing ecological degradation. Their flora is dying, and they can't figure out why. And, offhandedly, in a diplomatic mission, an allied planet mentions that humans have successfully reversed similar devastation on Earth. So they reach out and Earth sends some experts to check it out. And what do they suggest? Reintroducing an apex predator that used to be a scourge against alien settlements. The species still exists in other regions of the planet, but it is slowly disappearing outside of its native habitat.

The aliens are askance. They've told bedtime stories to their young of these creatures: how they tear apart their prey, how they've eaten their organs and rip apart their homes. Some suggest that it's a trick—that the humans are trying to prompt them into destroying themselves.

But there are many alien cultures on this planet, with many different stories and some of them agree. The world watches in anticipation as the humans help their predators. They seek them out, these fearless otherworlders, putting them to sleep and tending their wounds. They keep track of the beasts, not to harm them, but to protect them.

At first the doomsayers' prophecy seems to come true. The predators devour prey animals like a feast, like a slaughter to people who have never been so close to the circle of life. But then, slowly, not over months but over years, comes change. The prey no longer eat the leaves and buds of every tree; some are left to bloom and fall. The refuse rots in the dirt, and the floods cease as the soil grows thick with compost and rotted bone, thick enough to hold water. The shapes of rivers change to protect their surroundings from the rain. The pollinators rebound.

Decades later, other cities and nations begin to accept this human myth of "conservation." Champions arise, alien champions, now, who go into the depths of the wilderness and the seas to protect those predators from the apathy of time.

Not all of them make it. This is something else the humans teach. Sometimes the tranquilizers are not enough. Sometimes the timing is wrong. Sometimes accidents happen. And when they do, the aliens look to humans for an answer for why they should protect these creatures who have killed those they love?

"Because they knew the risks," the humans say. "Because they would be the first to speak to save them. Because they taught you to see the beauty in the wild and you must not close your eyes."

So, despite themselves, they don't.

I want to see the indomitable human spirit but instead of killing the alien they are offering a hand to help the alien from falling, the one hand they have left after dragging their injured body over to the edge of the cliff. Using the last of their energy to assist.

The indomitable human spirit is putting your body in the way to save a small creature or alien child from harm. Willingness to care combined with that willingness to die for the greater good.

The indomitable human spirit can be terrifying, but why don't we make it awe inspiring instead. An outstretched hand instead of a pointed gun or weapon.

Humans are weird: Expect the unexpected

( Please come see me on my new patreon and support me for early access to stories and personal story requests :D https://www.patreon.com/NiqhtLord Every bit helps) Alien talk show host: So you doubt my powers?

Human: I do.

Alien Host: You know that the theme of this show is bringing on people such as yourself and proving that I can in fact predict the future.

Human: I have watched your show and I’ve seen how you use your scam to convince people that you can predict the future.

Audience: Ooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

Alien Host: If it has been proven right so many times how can you still claim it is a scam?

Human: Because you have never had a human on your show until now to disprove it.

Alien Host: Bold words but we’ll give you a shot.

Alien Host: What have you got in store for me to disprove my abilities?

Human: *reaches into pocket and pulls something out*

Human: I’m going to flip this coin and you will tell me which side it lands on.

Alien Host: That’s it?

Alien Host: That’s your grand plan to disprove my skills?

Human: Half of it.

Human: You find out the other half after I flip the coin.

Alien Host: Ominous; I always liked that about you humans.

Alien Host: Very well, flip that coin and I predict it will be heads!

Human: *Flips coin*

Alien Host: *Watches coin spin upwards*

Human: *Pulls out gun from jacket and pulls the trigger*

*Gunshot goes across the table and hits the alien host in the arm*

*Audience begins screaming as human sets the gun down on the table*

Human: You can all relax, that was the second part of my plan.

Alien Host: WHY DID YOU SHOOT ME!?!?!!?

Human: *Calmly* Why did you not see the bullet coming?

Alien Host: You said you were using the coin toss!!

Human: I said it was the first part and that you’d find out the other half during the flip.

Human: If you can see into the future why did you not dodge the bullet or attempt to stop me from pulling a gun and shooting you?

Alien Host: Who could predict such madness!?!?!?

Human: Exactly.

Human: You can “predict” the future as you call it because you are a master of probability, not a fortune teller.

Human: That’s why you were so confident you could accurately predict how the coin would land and claim you saw it in the future.

Human: But no one could predict a random act of violence without any forewarning signs given.

Alien Host: You did all of this just to prove me wrong!?!

Human: I mean, isn’t that the point of the show?

How The Nocturnal Bottleneck and Nipples Make Us Human

Almost every post here considers what humans do have, really. It’s a little tiring; realistically every world has its harsh environments and vicious species and a sophont to match. We probably wouldn’t be unique for our adaptability or our persistence or even adrenaline

But our evolution is fucked up as hell, to put it lightly.

Mammals went through what’s been dubbed the nocturnal bottleneck essentially since the start of the mesozoic right up until the Cretaceous ended the archosaur’s exclusive hold over the daylight. We lost a lot of things from every mammal spending most of its time in either a cramped, suffocating burrow or scrounging around in the faint hours of nighttime. Our blood cells lost their nuclei to hold more oxygen while we spent time deep underground, we lost protections against ultraviolet rays in our skin and eyes, we can’t even repair our own DNA using the light of the sun. Most aliens probably wouldn’t have such traits unless their evolution followed a very similar path to ours. They’d be able to see ultraviolet and wouldn’t have to worry about sunburn and all the wonderful privileges essentially all fish, birds, amphibians, and reptiles enjoy as we speak. 

There’s also what we gained from spending so much time in the dark.

Brown fat is only found in mammals, it’s a special type of fat which bear cells with several oil droplets and are utterly jammed with mitochondria. This lets it make heat, a lot of it, fast. We don’t even need to shiver to induce this heat generation from brown adipose tissue - factor in our downright hyperactive mitochondria, and we can warm up quickly. Sure, it doesn’t have too much use in adult humans, but it keeps our infants warm and still provides a little boost the whole run we have in this universe.

Unless aliens also went through a time where their small ancestors had to face cold nights, they’d have to produce heat the old fashioned way when chilled. Aliens might have to shiver the whole time they’re in a cold room while the human watches in confusion, quite literally unshaken, and wonders if the room is a lot colder than the thermostat set to 60 says. The aliens stare at their companion in confusion, it’s just a normal temperature to shiver at after all, how is the human sitting so still?

Our small ancestors spending all their time out foraging at night is also why we have such a good sense of touch, smell, and hearing. They were more important senses than vision (we’re lucky to have even redeveloped basic color vision, frankly) at the time and place and simply ended up continuing to serve us well. Birds and reptiles rarely have acute senses of smell and the latter especially are lucky to have acute hearing, and birds rarely have impeccable hearing themselves either. Our skin is free of scales and honed to sensitivity, and our external ears and complicated ear bones provide an immense range of hearing (from 20 all the way to 17,000 hertz!).

Aliens might not be able to pin down the chirp of a cricket or the light click of a lock being picked. The human might be the only one on board a ship that can pick out the finer sounds of the engine’s constant thrum and know the critical difference between when everything is fine and when something is wrong. The human could probably pick out the sounds of an approaching enemy’s careless footsteps - they’re only as light enough for *them* to stop hearing them, after all - and be the one to see the horrified expression (well, more on that later) on their face when we get the drop on them in spite of their perceived stealth. 

But perhaps the most versatile, convoluted, amazing, and utterly unique trait we have is right on your face this instant. Lips.

Lips in most animals are a simple seal to hold in the mouth’s moisture and protect the teeth, even if they’re supple they’re NEVER muscular except in mammals, and we have only one thing to thank for it; milk and nipples. Lips evolved exclusively to allow babies to suckle, it required a vacuum to be created in the mouth, and with no other animal having anything like a nipple it never happened in other animals. Many animals make milk, to be frank, but no other animal has nipples.

Your cheeks and lips are a marvel among tetrapods, no other animal can suck like mammals can. Aliens wouldn’t have straws or even be able to sip from the edge of a glass, they’d have to have a proboscis or simply tilt the whole thing back. Aliens likely won’t have woodwind instruments or balloons you can blow into. We take so much about our lips for granted. Hell, our muscular faces are vital for expressions, we’re probably absolute facial contortionists among a cast of creatures with mandibles and beaks and expressionless scaly maws. Aliens might find us ridiculously easy to read, if anything, compared to their own kind (all the better to deceive them) - or perhaps they’d find us hard to decipher anyways, with our lack of color-changing skin or erectable crests of bright feathers. Baring teeth might not be seen as a sign of aggression in most of the universe, smiling would be all too distinctly human. 

Perhaps with how infectious we are sometimes, that’s what we’d contribute to the universe; others might have to make do with opening their mouths just enough to show their teeth or splaying their innumerable mouthparts with just the right curve, but perhaps we’d teach the galaxy to smile, one ally at a time. 

Wouldn’t that be amazing?

Hunting

It is unlikely that humans are the only predator species to achieve sapience in the galaxy.

In order to be a successful predator one has to be intelligent enough to learn your prey's movements and be able to think ahead to what they're going to do next but also be flexible enough in your thinking that you can improvise if the situation chances. If you don't have this elasticity, you won't be a very successful predator.

Humans are very successful predators.

****

Greg bent down low and spoke as quietly as he could to the worried Sefigan next to him. "I need you to stay as still as you can. I'm going to go around, and try and surprise the Gren guarding the exit."

The three Sefigans, caught between wanting to obey Greg and staying silent but also trying to communicate that they thought it was suicide to do so started shaking.

"No, no, it'll be fine. I've been watching him. He's not really paying attention." Greg stood silently and put one finger to his lips, then smiled.

Moving much quieter than one would think given his mass, Greg crept away, hunched down just a little to keep motion out of the tops of the bushes they used to hide. The Sefigans watched in horrified fascination as Greg would take a few steps and then freeze, not even breathing while he watched the Gren.

As he walked, he made no noise at all over the soft sand, his feet finding purchase slowly. The Sefigans, a small furry prey species from a rocky mountainous world felt very old fears from the most early parts of their brains while watching him hunt the Gren.

The Gren guard was panning slowly as he guarded the exit, his fur flat, his eyes dull and his mouthparts drooping. If one knew a bit about Gren physiology one could easily see that he was bored and tired. His shift wasn't due to end for another 3 demi-cycles and nothing usually ever happened on this exit.

When Greg was no more than 2 meters away, he reached down and picked up a stone, no larger than a comm badge. He raised his arm and in one silent fluid motion, tossed the stone high and far over his head, to hide its origin. It clattered against the wall on the far side of the pen, opposite to where Greg was standing. The noise and motion caught the Gren's eye and his whole body swung over to where the stone landed.

His back was turned to Greg.

Greg bent his legs low building energy and took two steps and lept onto the Gren's back. His higher mass bowled the taller but much lighter Gren over and the Gren's head hit the stone with a hollow thwack.

Greg jumped up off the Gren and checked him quickly. He was dead. Trotting quickly over to where the Sefigans were still hiding he motioned for them to follow.

Still terrified, they followed this... ambush predator they were scared of and by the time they reached him, he had gotten the comm out of the Gren's pack and was fiddling with a ring that had complicated studs all around it, fitting them against the door until one clicked and the door hissed open.

Minutes later they were all running across the desert to the canal below where they had hoped to cling to the side of a barge and float to the spaceport.

"Human Greg! Human Greg!" The smallest Sefigan called as they jogged down the sandy hill towards the canal.

"What is it Li? Can it wait?"

"That was amazing! I've never seen a human hunt before! Is that how they all do it?"

"Not really? Humans developed as persistence hunters, not ambush hunters, but as you well know, skills can be taught."

"Persistence hunter?"

"Yeah, my ancestors would pick an animal out of a herd and run after it. As long as we didn't overexert ourselves we could just... run until it died."

The three Sefigans looked at each other as they jogged. Greg wasn't breathing heavily as they went towards the canal, but all three of them were nearly at their limit and would need a long time to rest when they were safe.

"Human Greg, you scare us." The tallest Sefigan looked back at the holding compound and then back at Greg. "But, not as much as we were scared of what the Gren would have done to us."

Greg smiled showing his wide, large, white teeth. "In this world, sometimes you need to be scary." He looked at the canal. "Come on, the water isn't too cold, let's get in and swim towards that barge. It's not too far."

Humans are space orcs, but humans are real fucking sneaky and don't tell anyone they're predators after realizing that other sentient species are all prey. It starts out as wanting to assimilate without any negative stigma, but eventually they realize that we're really alone as sentient predators.

So q human goes on a research ship and that ship gets stranded on a deathworld and everyone freaks put bc they don't know how to handle this but the human's just like 'build shelter, hunt food, start a fire' and they're all like 'hunt food???!!' And they human's like 'shit'.

So they see a human climb trees, throw shit, track prey and realize 'oh no, that thing could kill us' but the human's helping and they don't really have the man power to get rid of them.

And eventually they realize the whole pack bonding thing is stronger than the predatory instincts and are relieved

Terrans

Humanity.

Listen well, for this is a tale of warning and of caution.

When humanity was first observed, many of the council thought they should be eradicated. A tumultuous and violent species who revelled in the destruction of their own kind. It was a close thing, but the council voted and humanity was allowed to develop - under the condition that none were to contact them until they were deemed ready.

Humanity never gave us the chance to do so.

They progressed their technology in timeframes yet unseen. They went from discovering electricity to landing on their own moon in a matter of decades - doing so with primitive technology, but it was a feat nonetheless.

From there they developed their own world - the space around their home planet Terra became a field of haphazard signals and messages, a bombardment of signals that interfered with our observational machinery. Due to this we weren’t ready when humanity ventured into the stars truly for the first time. They blasted themselves out of their atmosphere with controlled explosions of all things, their technology was nowhere near discovering antimatter coupling yet. Despite this they reached the edge of the quarantine zone within a matter of years, and we were discovered.

Despite our initial thoughts, humanity reacted very differently to us than expected. They didn’t wage wars on us, didn’t lay claim to our planets. They met us with unrestrained joy at finding others in the universe. They told us of their numerous attempts to reach out to us, and showed us some of their works of fiction that depicted how they imagined us (though they seemed to hide some others for reasons we couldn’t ascertain).

Humanity was welcomed into the stars, and they became commonplace. Their biology was baffling and their behaviour bizarre, but we accommodated them and they taught us how to work with them.

Centuries passed, and though the initial explorers were long gone, humanity had become a part of the council as low ranking members. Their species had become mostly peaceful, lowering their internal wars to less than skirmishes. Humanity’s violent and cruel nature seemed to have been tempered by the stars.

We were wrong.

From beyond the councils borders, beyond the observable space in the void, a threat appeared. They blasted through our sensors and demolished our border colonies in hours. Our intel on them was near zero due to the ferocity they annihilated our kin.

They reached the inner borders of the council, and the elder members prepared for a bitter battle. To our surprise, humanity asked to join the defence. They told us that their kin had settled on some of the border colonies, and that many had lost loved ones. We allowed humanity to join our last fight, even if we didn’t expect them to affect the battle.

We were wrong.

Many of my comrades who survived the battle have sleep terrors to this day. Not of the void settlers, but of the humans. The cruelty and viciousness we thought had disappeared from their culture came back with a vengeance. Who we had seen as scientists and farmers for centuries, comrades we had known for decades - they showed us that monsters don’t come from the void.

The void settlers never stood a chance. The council was barely able to get in formation before the battle was ended. If the void bringers tactics were ferocious, then the Terran’s were monstrous. For every ship they lost, every life they sacrificed, the void settlers lost a battalion, a planet’s worth of lives.

This loss brought the void settlers much shame and anger. They made a mistake that haunts me to this day. They used their speed to reach Terra before the council could relay to the humans the threat. Humanity watched as Terra split, as trillions of their families and non-fighting members were eradicated.

The fighting ceased. Humanity seemed to have frozen. Their fleets stopped dead in space and their communications went silent. Where humanity had been surrounded by wavelengths and frequencies that interfered with some technology still, the space around them became eerily silent, as though the death of the planet had killed even those off world.

The void settlers continued their attack on the council and disregarded Humanity. No need to worry about a broken opponent… Right?

They were wrong.

The Terran’s weren’t dead, or even broken. It was later revealed that the freeze had been due to grief. Humanity had lost its home world, but worse than that it had lost its peaceable citizens. The ones who should have been safe from the conflict.

All of humanity had watched, and all of humanity had grieved. But they were not broken.

The void settlers learnt this very soon.

Humanity descended on them in ways that made the last defence seem like a diplomatic discussion. We though we had seen the worst of humanity in our early observations. WE. WERE. WRONG.

Humanity has a saying “Hell hath no wrath like a woman scorned”, but the council has adapted it: “The void hath no wrath like a Terran without a home”.

The void settlers were routed from every planet they had taken. They retreated to the void leaving behind their technology and supplies, not even taking the time to recover some of their teams. But the humans didn’t stop.

In a move that the council had forbidden for millennia, the humans flew into the void. The entirety of the Terran race disappeared into the blackness beyond space and wasn’t heard from for longer than we had known of them.

The council mourned their losses, but viewed their final act as something done out of the madness of their loss. The Terran’s were remembered as warriors, as fighters, but also as family. They became known to those of us who’d seen them fight as “The angels of Death”.

I never expected to see a Terran again, assumed that the void had devoured them and their destructive grief with them. But one day a vessel I was onboard, tasked with assessing possible colonies to rebuild in the border planets - it detected something.

The frequencies and wavelengths of data that had only ever been human in nature. They were coming from the void.

The council watched as humanity emerged unexpected for the second time.

The flagship docked with our observation vessel, and the leaders came aboard to see us. I vaguely recognised the captain. Their features so slightly similar to the grief driven warrior we’d watched descend into the void. We asked what had happened, and the captain responded with the most chilling visage I had seen since the first footage of the void settlers. Their baring of their teeth was savage and joyous. So similar to the expression we saw at first meeting, yet so distorted. In that moment I saw what could have happened if the Terran’s had waged war on us.

“We won.”

"How can you still have hope in your kind?", the alien asked, as their ships decorated the blue skies with gray.

"We need each other", the human ambassador replied.

"Your kind is one of war".

"I know".

"Your kind is one that silences itself".

"I know".

"Your kind got used to its cruelty".

"And yet, we can still be delighted by sunlight".

"You are close, yet divided and distant from each other".

"From our differences we find harmony and reasons to connect. This is more prevalent than our hate".

"All I see is your kind spiraling down to nothing. Your planet is dying, you hate each other, and you do not believe in a future anymore".

The ambassador did not reply.

"Your museums are filled with relics of ruin, ambassador, and your own body has scars from the wars you inflict upon each other. Your kind can never discover all living creatures on Earth, for you have already killed too many things you will never have the pleasure of knowing".

The alien shook their/its head.

"Your punishment is solitude and guilt".

"No".

The aliens looked down upon the human.

"Spiraling down our minds, you still saw something good. Otherwise, you would have killed us on sight, like you did with others in the past. In our darkest moments, we learned how to make fire. You saw a fossil of an old woman without teeth, and yet, she lived for long enough for her wounds to heal. If we were truly cruel, she would have been killed. If we were truly crooked, she would have been abandoned. Yet, she was kept alive, and someone was kind enough to feed her, even when she was toothless".

The human rose his/her/their voice.

"What is real resists the lies of convenience".

"You speak with fancy words, but I cannot believe any of them. We saw what you did".

"You saw war and how it can disappear from your mind as you get used to it, but you are still watching us fight against it".

"You can make a bad person fall, but you cannot stop your own nature".

"Our love and our caring is our nature, and it finds a way".

"Describe how it does so, then. Prove it. Show us what you can do, even after everything you saw".

"We cannot describe our care, and the more we try, the more we fail. We look at those we love and all we can do is think about how distant we are from them, and how utterly incapable we are of showing them how much we love them. When I go to sleep next to my partner and I see their back, and I hug them close to me and listen as their breathe in and breathe out, all I can do is think about how I will never be able to hold them as much as I need to. I can make all the poetry in the world and do the impossible, and yet this wont satisfy me.

I could scream at the top of my lungs and paint a canvas with romantic pink and save the world. I could do all of that and it would never be enough. My partner will tell me, when I go back home, that they know I love them and I know they love me back, and I will agree, but still cry as I say 'I am sorry for not showing you enough'.

My partner does not take away from me. They do not fulfill me. They simply make me understand that I cannot stop caring for them".

Silence in the courtroom of aliens that think they can judge others.

"You listened to our songs, you saw your movies, you read our books and listened to our stories. You saw us die and live. You saw everything that mades us ourselves and you refuse to accept us, because you cannot fathom the idea of an alien species that both care and hate and live and die and create and destroy. You cannot live with the idea of choosing to be better. You want to be born good and pure of cruelty so you can feel less guilty about your own mistakes".

And the aliens could not say anything back, nor the billions of humans that were watching their own judgement through screens, nor the other many alien species that survived the invaders cruel purity.

"You can kill me. But humanity won the moment we realized death may only exist as long as we are alive to name it".

Cuteness Aggression: Fuh'fin's first time meeting humans

The Yimex were respected warriors on the intergalactic scene. They are apex predators by galactic standards. Their muzzles were filled with sharpened teeth fit for ripping flesh apart or even incapacitating their prey. Their agility was unmatched by even most machinery. Their sharp and attentive eyes could see more clearly in dark environments, especially thanks to their mask-like fur pattern.

By all means, they were terrifying to every other race. But since their inclusion in the galactic council, they've pulled back on their once-feral nature. Once they met more alien races and realized they held the same beliefs as their people, they agreed to join.

The Yimex were terrifying beyond a doubt, but they had honor. They only attacked if they were threatened, and they wouldn't lose. That's why they were so respected throughout the greater galaxy. They also started taking jobs as protectors and guards for other races.

The Yimex were highly intelligent and could learn how to use tools and weapons rather quickly. And they also had a grand sense of protectiveness, especially toward smaller creatures and their own. They were gentle protectors once one got over the initial fear.

Fuh'fin was a Yimex. He was a guard sent to escort a crew of the newer race added to the council. Humans, if he remembered correctly. He hadn't heard much about them other than that they were apparently considered apex predators, much like the Yimex. Their intelligence was revered by many; however, their biology was much smaller and unfit for war.

Ambush predators perhaps? How interesting...

Fuh'fin couldn't deny that he was quite excited to meet these humans. He was always interested in meeting other beings from different races. The Yimex were social by nature, and by his understanding, this job was going to be a rather long one. He was excited, yet worried that these humans wouldn't share his excitement.

From what he saw, their politicians were quite serious. What if their entire race was like that? Fuh'fin hoped they weren't. He hated jobs that were quiet and purely business. Yes, he could bear it, but it was agony. The Yimex were energetic and always eager to socialize. He hoped this new race would share that desire.

Well, no mind to that. He had to seem proper. He had to seem serious; he was working.

Fuh'fin walked along with his supervisor. He had to look up at him while he explained this assignment. Yimex were naturally quadrupedal, although they could stand bipedal, but it wasn't very comfortable.

"These humans are from a carrier company on earth. Apparently, they wanted to have a guard just in case. They seemed rather eager to have you come with them for whatever reason," Fuh'fin's supervisor said plainly while looking forward.

"May I ask why?" Fuh'fin felt a bit curious about why he was picked. Not that he wasn't a good guard. It's just other races; we're still quite scared of the Yimex. It's not every day that he is asked for a job that's not life or death.

"They said you reminded them of a creature on their home planet," his supervisor said with a shrug. They did seem as curious as Fuh'fin felt. Maybe he should ask once he meets the captain.

Fuh'fin looked over at the ship they were approaching. Sleek and minimalist on the outside, giant thrusters on its side—rather intimidating, if you ask Fuh'fin. Serious and slightly terrifying.

Fuh'fin looked over at the letters on the ship's side. His translator worked quickly and translated the text as "USS Bartholomew". Was that a warrior from their race? He wasn't sure about the humans, but many ships from other races are named after warriors. It was interesting; maybe that was something Fuh'fin could use as a conversation starter.

Footsteps took Fuh'fin away from his thoughts. He looked over, and finally he saw the human,who he guessed was the captain. He had an expression that Fuh'fin was told meant the human was feeling positive. A smile, if he remembered correctly.

"Good day. I'm the captain of the USS Bartholomew," the human said with a calm tone. He brought his hand out to Fuh'fin's supervisor. It was a human greeting, a sign of peace. "The pleasure is mine, captain," his supervisor said plainly, shaking the human's hand.

Ah! He should shake his hand as well. After all, it was a greeting. Fuh'fin finally stood on his hind legs. The Yimex were long-bodied, so once they stood on their hind legs, they towered overall.

Usually, that terrified other races—a tall, looming predator looking down on you. Yet, this human didn't react more than a slight widening of the eyes. Except it wasn't in fear. Fuh'fin saw the humans' pupils dilate when they looked at Fuh'fin. Wasn't that something that happens to humans when they see something attractive or pleasing to the eye?

The human made a coughing sound and trained their face into a calm expression. Yet Fuh'fin could smell dopamine suddenly. A black market stimulant, but he was told humans release it when they're happy. What a strange race!

"I'm Captain Gonzalez," the human said with a smile as they extended their hand. Fuh'fin shook the hand with his paw. He could feel the human's heart beat accelerate as his paw pads made contact with the human's hand. The smell of dopamine increased and is now joined by the scent of oxytocin. Another black market stimulant: how many black market substances do humans produce naturally?

"I'm Fuh'fin of the Yimex, Captain Gonzalez," Fuh'fin says with a calm tone. The captain stared at him for a moment before their eyes suddenly gained the light of consciousness again. "You– you are a part of the crew; you can call me Hugo," the captain said with a nonthreatening sound, a laugh?

"Come with me; I'll show you around," the captain said with a smile, waving his hand for Fuh'fin to follow him. Fuh'fin settled again on his four legs and followed the captain. They boarded the ship.

In the new environment, Fuh'fin sniffed around as they walked. He was trying to get used to the new smells. As the captain led Fuh'fin through the corridor, a sweet scent reminded him of the fruit of his mother planet. Subconsciously, Fuh'fin let out a few dooks of happiness.

Then a loud metallic sound startled Fuh'fin. He whipped his head around toward the captain and smelled him. The smell of blood filled the air. "Captain! What happened?" Fuh'fin stood on his hind legs to grab the captain's shoulders.

The captain had punched a wall. It was pure metal, yet he left a dent. Was he angry at Fuh'fin for making a sound? No, the smell of dopamine was strong. He was happy, but why would he punch a wall?

"Captain?" Fuh'fin said softly. He heard Hugo take a deep breath, and then he moved his hand away. "Sorry, cuteness aggression," he said with a smile. He cradled his hand with his non-broken one. Blood spilled from his knuckles.

Cuteness aggression? What was that? Why would it merit punching a wall? Why was he feeling it?

"Let's take this time to show you the medical deck and get you a new guide while I get patched up," the captain said with a laugh. He walked calmly, like he hadn't just broken his hand and left a dent on a metal wall. How was he so calm? Any other creature would be writhing in pain, yet he walked easily, like it was nothing.

Fuh'fin followed him, slightly panicked. "Captain! Why are you so calm? Aren't you in pain?" He asked with worry. "Once the adrenaline crashes, it's going to hurt like a bitch, but I'm fine so far," the captain said easily.

Now that he mentioned it, adrenaline was strong in the air. Was he producing this chemical?

Before Fuh'fin could ask anything else, they reached the medicine deck. "Doc! I need your assistance and a new guide for our new guy," the captain said pleasantly to a woman writing something. She looked up with a blank expression and then locked eyes with Fuh'fin.

She let out a shriek. Fuh'fin recoiled. Did he scare this human? He didn't make any moves that should be considered threatening. The captain seemed unbothered by him. What did he do? Was it his muzzle? Only predators have muzzles. Yeah, it's probably his muzzle. This human probably recognized him as a predator. Should he apologize?

Fuh'fin panicked as his eyes darted around to think of a way to apologize for scaring her, yet she squealed. "He's adorable! Oh my God! He looks like a giant ferret!" The human squealed and ran over with a large smile... She wasn't scared?

...Wait, adorable?

The human woman dropped to her knees and started petting Fuh'fin. He just froze, trying to make sense of what he heard.

"He's so cute! I love him! This is the guard you hired? Can we keep him?" The human said it with... excitement? Dopamine and oxytocin were basically pouring out of her as she ran her hands through Fuh'fin's fur. She wasn't scared. She wasn't scared at all.

"Uh— uhm... H-hello?" Fuh'fin tried speaking. As confused as he was, the captain needed medical attention. He barely got appointed to this crew; he couldn't just let his captain stay hurt.

The human squealed in delight, and Fuh'fin could basically see stars in her eyes. He felt flustered. "The—The captain..." Fuh'fin felt shy; he was so used to other races being terrified of him. Yet here was a human who seemingly adored him just for existing. "He—he's hurt," Fuh'fin finally spat out.

"Huh?" The human said it absently and looked at the captain. Her eyes widened, and she stood up suddenly. "Shit! Sorry, captain! Please sit down," she said frantically while picking up a medical carrier. The captain sat down, and the woman started to tend to his hand.

Fuh'fin sat next to the captain and curled his tail around himself. How was the captain so calm? He even looked amused, but it was hard to tell. Fuh'fin wasn't the best at reading expressions; the Yimex didn't have facial expressions. They relied on body language to communicate emotion.

The captain's body language has not changed from his confident yet relaxed posture. Humans were confusing. The human woman was so open with her body language, but the captain wasn't. They were at different places on the spectrum. Fuh'fin needed to get better at understanding inflection and facial expressions then.

The captain patted Fuh'fin's shoulder reassuringly. "I'm fine, Fuh'fin," he said with a smile. Fuh'fin was curious how the captain noticed his worry, and then he noticed he was chittering nervously. "My apologies," Fuh'fin murmured, and he decided to try to calm himself.

Fuh'fin shook his head to fix his untidy fur. He settled down comfortably and started grooming himself. He fixed his unruly fur as he waited for the captain to get patched up. He finally rested his paw on the ground and looked at the captain.

"Sorry, Fuh'fin, Mina gets excited when she sees fluffy animals," he said with an amused expression. He had noticed Fuh'fin grooming himself. "Better than fear," Fuh'fin said quietly, his ears flattened against his head. "True, much better than fear," the captain said with an understanding tone, like he completely knew what Fuh'fin meant.

Something about the captain's words comforted Fuh'fin. "Why aren't you scared of me?" He asked while turning his head to look at the humans. "You remind us of an earth creature, but much bigger," Mina replied. "Is that animal a predator as well?" Fuh'fin asked. "Yes, but we think they're adorable." Mina smiled in delight, clearly reminiscing.

"So you think I'm adorable? Even though I'm much bigger than you?" Fuh'fin said with confusion, and his tail whipped a bit in mild frustration. "Actually, you being huge is really satisfying the monkey brain in us," the captain said with amusement. "You are very huggable," the captain said quietly as his uninjured hand quickly typed something on a tablet before setting it down.

Huggable? The captain wanted to hug Fuh'fin. No one except other Yimex has ever expressed that desire. It was acceptance of one's nest in Yimex society. Was Fuh'fin accepted? The prospect made him happy. Only the other Yimex accepted Fuh'fin.

"So... you aren't scared of me at all?" Fuh'fin said cautiously. "Oh, no, no, no. You look absolutely adorable to us," the captain said while Mina splinted his hand.

"Adorable... Huh... I've never been called adorable before," Fuh'fin said softly. Happiness filled him; he was truly accepted then. Without realizing it, he started dooking. "The cuteness aggression is hitting again," the captain said quietly. Mina laughed and nodded her head.

Fuh'fin looked at the captain, still dooking. "What's cuteness aggression?" He tilted his head while he spoke. "Something too cute makes our brain produce too much happy chemical, so it confuses the brain and activates the fight or flight reflex," Mina explained simply.

Fuh'fin sniffed the air slightly, and as Mina explained, the smell of dopamine was strong in the captain. "Did I cause it?" He asked with mild worry. "Is that why you punched the wall?" Fuh'fin asked the captain.

"Yeah, I don't blame you, though," the captain said calmly. "I didn't want to make you uncomfortable by asking to pet you or something. I want you to feel comfortable with us," the captain explained. Fuh'fin's nose twitched; that was basically an invitation to their crew... their nest.

Fuh'fin rubbed his muzzle against the captain's shoulder. He accepted the invitation as per Yimex standards. He felt the captain's hand hesitate before he pet Fuh'fin's head.

"I'm guessing this means you're comfortable with us," the captain said with a quiet laugh. "Yes, I'm comfortable," Fuh'fin said softly, dooking in joy. "We'll tell the crew to keep their hands to themselves until you're comfortable with everyone," the captain said with a smile.

~~~

The captain was patched up and forced to sit down and relax. Mina had taken it upon herself to finish the tour of the ship. She showed Fuh'fin around and introduced everyone that stopped by to greet him. They all seemed beyond excited when they saw Fuh'fin, but he guessed the captain had already told them not to touch Fuh'fin until he was fully adjusted to everything.

Fuh'fin met around half the ship, as Mina told him. He quite liked a tall human woman who went by Vi-Vi. She had bright red hair with yellow tips; it reminded him of a flower on his mother planet, and she smelled of a human fruit, as Vi-Vi told him, strawberries.

He liked the smell; it was sweet. Vi-Vi stuck out from everyone else, not because of her hair or height, but because she had a robotic prosthetic arm and paintings on her other arm. She seemed completely different from the crew Fuh'fin met; her energy radiated leadership just like the captain's.

Yet she was sweet, just like the scent of strawberries that followed her. She excused herself and left to return to her job. When Vi-Vi left, Mina continued showing him around.

Once the tour was done, a ring came from the speakers. "Oh, it's time to go to sleep," Mina said pleasantly. Fuh'fin then noticed he was getting tired as well; it was smart to get into his cot before he just dropped from exhaustion.

"Where should I sleep?" Fuh'fin asked with a yawn. "Oh, yeah, let me show you your room," Mina said excitedly. Oh, he had a room. He wasn't used to that; usually he was bunked with a bunch of other crew members in his other jobs. He liked sleeping with others around; it felt safe.

Fuh'fin followed Mina with interest. She stopped in front of a door, and it slid open. "I did some research on the Yimex, so your room would be comfortable," Mina said with a smile. "And I read that the Yimex like sleeping in groups, correct?" "Yes, it feels nice," Fuh'fin answered, curious what this was leading to.

"We don't have other Yimex on board; instead, we put three other crew members in your room, and we'll give you plenty of blankets and pillows for you to make a comfortable nest," Mina said with a smile. Fuh'fin peeked into the room with mild excitement.

"You can move anything around to your comfort," Mina said while she watched Fuh'fin look inside. The room had a weird layout. It had random platforms sticking out of the walls, along with pedestals sticking out of the floor. It looked a bit like a jungle gym, and the floor was cushioned.

He walked into the room while looking around. "You can get comfortable anywhere, and we'll get you anything you need," Mina said with a smile as she saw Fuh'fin starting to climb around the pedestals and platforms. She was glad she researched this. Yimex apparently didn't like closed-off spaces but liked running around, so this room was designed with that in mind.

Fuh'fin splooted on a platform comfortably and yawned. Mina laughed when she saw his tail wag. "I'll come back with blankets so you can get properly comfortable," she said with a small laugh. Fuh'fin's tail wagged a bit more.

Mina came back with what Fuh'fin presumed to be his roommates and blankets. Fuh'fin climbed down to greet them and noticed that Vi-Vi was a part of the group. Mina introduced the other two to Fuh'fin. Matthew, a man with a sly smile and smart eyes. Jenny, a woman with a tired expression but gentle eyes.

Fuh'fin greeted them, and Mina gave him a few blankets and pillows. He picked them up with his mouth and climbed up to the spot where he felt comfortable. Mina bid them good night and left. While everyone got comfortable and established their spots, they spoke about random topics.

Vi-Vi had climbed on another platform and arranged her pillows and blankets. Matthew picked a small corner the pedestals created—a small, crowded place—yet he seemed pleased... At least Fuh'fin thought he did; Matthew was near impossible to read in comparison to everyone else. Jenny settled underneath one of the platforms; it was the darkest place in the room.

Fuh'fin fell asleep while he heard everyone speaking. He couldn't fight sleep at all, so he just crashed. However, he felt comfortable. Everyone was so pleasant; he liked it. He liked this job. He liked being a part of this nest. He hoped they liked him as well.

Idea that once human movies and tv series becomes accessible to the rest of the universe they immediately have to get re-called and re-regulated by the federation.

Like, the Andorians thought they had sexy romance shows, but then the terrans come along and now you've got angry zhavey's, shreya's, charan's, and thavan's calling in concerned on what their teenagers are watching.

And this especially applies to horror movies, Klingon space gets access to some classics and figure they'll sit around and laugh at the silly human horror. Cut to one Texas Chainsaw Massacre marathon later and now some human captain's are reporting that the Klingons are looking at them weirdly, like they almost seem... nervous of them?

Same thing goes for when Vulcans begin to approach human crewmates to ask how they manage to keep their children away from "The animated blue kanine and the female pink sus scrofa domesticus?"

Ferenginar just has a flatout ban against any and all talent/contest shows. To win profit just for having a talent? For showing good teamwork? Without any cheating or lying? Disgraceful media. (Although they would appreciate the trick of adding a sob backstory to gain more sympathy votes)

I have my own personal headcanon that in the star trek universe Human musicals are EXTREMELY popular amongst the stars and across all galaxy's. Cause sure, other aliens have singing and dancing and music of all sorts but everyone quickly agrees that there is nothing like a human musical. It baffles a few Ferengi's ears when hoo-mans sing in such a high frequency for such a long time that shouldn't even be possible with their lung size! Vulcan's can appreciate the synchrony of their dancing and consider it a very pleasing experience (Their incredibly impressed by it and it becomes a frequent topic of conversation). Cardassian's admire the way the characters sing/talk to the audience and reveal what their feeling but not to the other characters, it's fun to watch secrets unfold or explode to someone's face as chaotic antics happen all around them (Their favorites tend to be Stephan Sondheim musicals). Surprisingly, even Klingons aren't immune to the talent of human musical theatre, on any given night you'll see a large group of Klingons sitting around a table ready for an opera show and tales from soprano's receiving numerous thanks and glory be's! from burly Klingons after a show.

Humans Are Crazy

Aliens have such different gender and biology from humans that none of them menstruate. So imagine this.

Alien: Human Steve, why did I find blood on the lavatory floor?

Steve: Oh, that's just Karen.

Alien: What??

Steve: Human females bleed from their reproductive organs once every month for five to seven days.

Alien: wHAT?!

Steve, calmly: Yeah, they can lose enough blood in a lifetime to kill ten grown men.

Alien: WHaT ?!?!

Karen, walking in: Steve, I need A FUCKING break. And chocolate. And a heating pad. I'll be in my sleeping quarters. Also, I threw up.

Steve: Okay, take the day off, I'll bring you your stuff in a bit.

Alien: *jots down in notebook* Human females are indestructible and fearsome. Regard them with respect.

EDIT: I swear, if this is the thing that makes me Tumblr famous, I’m gonna blow a braincell. And I don’t have many of those left, so…

Edit 2: Guys. Guys. What?! My grumpy menstrual rant is in no way worthy of being tumblr famous. *is mildly to severely confused/thankful/bumfuddled*

Edit 3: Why is this still getting notes wtf

I Am Menstruating, So Here's A Period Thought.

(Yes, it's about aliens again.)

We, as humans, eat a lot of food that other animals can't eat. Chocolate, grapes, avocados, broccoli, alcohol (although I did once have a cat who loved beer), caffeine, almonds, pistachios, macadamia nuts, any spicy food, tomatoes, the list goes on. Dairy products, everyone.

I am currently having period cravings. For hot cheetos, spicy ramen, raspberry-infused dark chocolate, and hot cocoa. Any and all of that would kill a dog.

But, would it kill an alien?

I once saw a thing that said that chocolate is a universally poisonous substance. And sure, I'll stand by that. If you give chocolate to any species except for humans, they will die. Miserably.

BUT! And this is a large but.

HUMANS ARE NOT ALL-POWERFUL, NOR ARE THEY ALL-IMMUNE!

Pokeweed (a little, deadly plant characterized by its red stem and purple berries) is absolutely lethal to us. One tiny berry will kill us. Oleander, a beautiful pink/red/white flower, can kill with any/all of its parts. Nightshade, recognized by its bright red berries, kills in less than 24 hours.

Aliens consider all of these plants to be delicacies.

Zygerin chefs whip up fabulously delicious hemlock soups for their patrons. Ytertjjijkis bakers utilize nightshade, pokeweed, and yew in all of their most famous pastries. Aàkî cooks use Oleander and destroying angel mushrooms in common garden salads.

But yes, chocolate is deadly to them. And the other 99.999% of the universe.

I wrote two thingies about aliens and now people love me.

Guys.

I'm just a little goblin trying to be funny. Like, yes, I do art and fanfic and all that, but mostly I'm just ranting about my brother being a raging h0m0ph0bic weirdo and my friends being crazy gremlins.

Eventually, I'll have an Etsy where you'll be able to buy my weird art. But until then, please keep enjoying my weird shit.

(Also, would you guys want Karen The Raging Hormonal Monster and Human Poison stickers?)

why are humans like this?

Zzgnaru and Karen are walking through the downtown area of Karen's home city. Zzgnaru notices a shop whose sign reads "Tattoo and Piercing." Xey are confused.

"Karen, what is a 'Tattoo and Piercing?'" Xey ask, pointing one of their tentacles at the building. Karen blinks at xem for a moment, and bursts out laughing. She gestures to her arms, which are covered in artistic markings.

"Tattoos are basically just permanent body art. I have over twenty. And piercings are a type of body jewelry." Zzgnaru is still confused. Karen tugs xem into the shop, where a person lies on a table, an artist working on a caterpillar tattoo.

Zzgnaru starts. "Is-is that a needle?" Karen nods. "So you aren't born with those?" Xey ask, shocked. "Yep. And piercings are where you use a needle to put small gems and stuff into your skin. Not permanently, you can take them out." Karen explains.

The person on the table looks up, and recognition flashes over their face. "Karen? Izzat you?" Karen looks over at them, surprised. "Moss? What the fuck, girlypop? I thought you had joined a space crew?" Moss shakes their head, sighing. "Rosatttiiia kicked me off the ship. Said I was 'too confusing.'"

Karen laughs. "Moss, babygirl, you are confusing. You're the most gremlin-y person I've ever met." Moss huffs. Then, Zzgnaru butts in. "Does that hurt?" Xey ask, motioning to the needle. Moss shakes their head. "Nope, not really."

Later, back on the ship, Zzgnaru rants to Steve and two of the Penaconian crew members about how humans are crazy. "The ones with the patterns aren't normal? The unmarked ones aren't albino? What the crap is this, Steve? First Karen bleeds from her genitalia, now this?"

Steve ends up showing them his singular tattoo and explaining that they have ways to ease the pain.

Mouse trouble

Imagine if aliens are testing how we react to different animals.

Alien 1: They've bonded with canine predators and creature ten times their size. I don't think that small rodent is going to do anything.

Alien 2: Well maybe you're right, but we must try it.

4 hours later

"MOUSE! MOUSE! SOMEONE HELP!"

Alien 1 walks in to the humans panicking trying to catch the small creature.

Alien 1: It's not even a threat to their species.

Alien 2 writing done that humans are indeed scared of a...mouse

8 legs of fear

Alien 1: okay tomorrow we will be bringing in a new creature from Earth

Human: Cool what is it?

Alien 1: well I don't know what you call it but it has eight legs and-

Human: No, No I beg you please have mercy on our souls.

Alien 1: Um it's okay you can easily take care of it

Human: THE END IS COMING AND IT RUNS ON EIGHT

Alien 1: *hits forehead*

New show

Alien 1 enters the room to Human crying on the couch

Alien 1: Human are you okay!?

Human: Yeah, just watching my show.

Alien 1: You mean the box of electricity

Human grabs Alien 1 and sit them down

Human: now get ready to get attached to people we won't ever meet and cry about them for hours

Alien 1: Umm can we not

Two days later

Alien 1 and human both wrapped in blankets crying

Jealousy

Human and alien 1 walk into main pod with many others

Vil: oh hey alien 1 me and my partners are going on a mission want to join?

Alien 1: oh sur-

Human: actually we're doing something that day so... sorry

Vil: I didn't even say the time

Human glared meaning 'take a hint'

Vil: that's fine see you later

Human and alien 1 walk out

Alien 1: I don't understand our human calander says we have no up coming event

Human: you will learn soon that humans hate sharing

Sorry this isn't what I usually write but I'm tired and didn't have anything in mind so here....

Disguise

Alien 1 digging through clothes

Alien 1: Human where's my disguise?

Human: whaaattt

Alien 1: WHERE IS MY DISGUISE!?

Human: I uhhh put it away

Alien 1: Where?

Human: Why do you need to know?

Alien 1: I need it

Human: nu uh don't you think running off to do some experiments we've been planning this get together for two months

Alien 1: The experiments in danger

Human: MY EVENINGS IN DANGER!

Alien: YOU TELL ME WHERE MY SUIT IS HUMAN WE'RE TALIING ABOUT THE GREATER GOOD!

Human: GREATER GOOD I AM A HUMAN IM THE GREATEST GOOD YOU EVER GONNA GET!

Alien 1: -_-

At this point idk what I'm doing, I might change up my post alittle with short stories but this just came to mind