Humans Are Space Oddities - Tumblr Posts
i spent way too long on this story
The only human in our crew - one of our mechanics, Jedd - had seemed happy enough. He was respectful, clearly always trying to watch his smiles when he was with us, although his laughter was, according to him, uncontrollable. It took the crew a while to get used to the fact that the human made loud yelling noises and bared his teeth when he found something extremely amusing. Humans, though, made good mechanics - their combination of dexterity and strength meant that they could handle a wider range of potential issues than almost any other known race.
And, like all humans, he was brave, strong, and sometimes did things most people would consider unwise. Sometimes we would find him working on the hull while the ship was under countdown for launch. He would frequently add cosmetic improvements wherever he deemed necessary about the ship, hoarding junk materials in his quarters which would only reappear months later as part of a new project. Occasionally he would even improve existing machinery or electronics, which, strangely enough, he would forget how to use soon after installation - often, he would leave sticky slips of paper on the machine in question with instructions written in his native human language to remind himself how to use the new upgrade.
He was the “extroverted” type of human, as far as anyone could tell. The symptoms were obvious: he did not spend much time in his quarters besides the third of the day spent in energy-recharging stasis, and he often invited members of the crew to talk with him while he worked rather than only engaging with them at mealtimes or downtime. In fact, he seemed to like it better this way, since he knew that his toothy smiles wouldn’t be seen if his head was buried in the mechanics of the ship. He didn’t seem to find it at all difficult, either - the human ability to perform several high-focus tasks at once is astounding.
But when the Federation requirements were updated and advised all Class-OO ships to have a biological generalists, our captain conducted interviews and hired a human named Stella. The regulations were put in place after a series of unrelated incidents involving accidental deaths caused by medicines that disrupted the functions of certain species. A biological generalist, with a wide knowledge of the internal biologies of nearly all of the Intergalactic Species, would be able to effectively advise the resident doctor on what was safest for the crew.
Stella was much like Jedd, in a way. She enjoyed spending time with the crew in the downtime space, telling jokes and stories about her childhood on Earth or her time in school. She was unusually brightly colored for a human, but she assured us that it was an artificial, cosmetic alteration, and that humans did not grow hair that was as blue as hers. She was extremely intelligent, also, and had an impressive memory for a human. Unlike Jedd, who often forgot the names of his crew members, Stella explained that she possessed what the humans called a “photographic memory,” where she simply had a much larger memory storage capacity than most other humans.
After a human week or two, one of us noted that Jedd had been lingering around the medbay much more than usual. We all rushed to ask him whether he was in pain or in danger - by that point, we had all heard the stories of humans cursed by their own constitution, suffering for days or weeks after exposure to toxins before finally dying. Jedd calmed us, saying that he wasn’t in any danger. He simply enjoyed talking to the other resident member of his species. They became friends very quickly, and we noticed Jedd seemed somehow even happier than his usual happy self, but in a different kind of way.
Jedd and Stella originated from separate human countries, but, improbably, spoke the same native human tongue. They told us that to each of them, the other had a distinctive accent which told them where they were from, but none of us could notice the difference except in a small number of words. It was remarkable, however, how much more comfortable they seemed when speaking it; they never seemed to stumble over their words or misplace syllables in the signature human style of speaking the Federation language. The two would speak to each other in their human language in the downtime space, often increasing in volume as the conversation continued and the humans became more and more enthusiastic until they both laughed uproariously. Occasionally, they had a conversation with a different undertone, where Jedd would shrink into himself strangely as he spoke and Stella would reach for his hand, grasping it in hers in a motion that was clearly a form of affection.
One day before we were set to land on Tlaapon, one of us injured in the medbay noticed an odd exchange between Jedd and Stella. Jedd had been covering Stella’s eyes in a very hostile motion, although her body language indicated that she was relaxed. Upon freeing her vision, Jedd showed Stella the new regulation caffeine dispenser he had installed in the medbay for easy access to the brain-altering drug. While deadly to almost thirty percent of the Intergalactic Species and a carefully regulated form of medicated therapy among most of the other seventy, humans are able to use caffeine as a mild performance booster, and even have the constitution to withstand daily doses for years or even decades on end.
However, when Stella saw this, she did something strange: she pressed her mouth to his cheek, and they both smiled at each other. This was not one of the human behaviors known by the crew, and so it was only later, when we consulted the guidebook, that it was revealed that it was an act that signaled a human’s feeling of romantic attraction. And, most importantly, the lack of screaming or other human displays of displeasure indicated that the feeling of attraction was most likely mutual! This was cause for great rejoicing, as humans are usually very selective with their life-partners, and a human life-partner bond often mutually improves emotional state and well-being in general.
After only a few months on the ship, we noticed the signs of attraction beginning to increase in frequency. They would often walk together holding hands, and began to show each other their previously isolated realms of interest; Jedd loved to tell us about how he was teaching Stella how the engines worked, while, unbeknownst to him, Stella would excitedly tell us all she had learned from him the very same day. They would often demonstrate their affection via the exchange of shiny or colorful objects, which all humans love. Jedd made Stella bracelets or rings out of polished bronze and silver, and Stella would select vibrant flowering plants from the greenhouse and meticulously arrange them in a wrap of paper before gifting them to Jedd with one of their toothy human smiles.
One day, Stella sent a hidden message to a number of the crew. It was soon to be Jedd’s day of birth, and it was human tradition to conduct a celebration commemorating the survival of another human year wherein the human in question recieved gifts and the partygoers indulged in sweetfoods. She wanted to prepare the festivities in secret, however - yet another strange human tradition. However, she knew the human culture best, and so we followed her instructions, awaking before the shift change and spending much time making the downtime area as blindingly colorful as possible. Colorful strips of paper on the walls, colorful banners with traditional phrases, colorful cloths over all the tables, where Stella placed a traditional human sweetfood. The most prevalent color was yellow, as Stella explained it was Jedd’s favorite color, which confused us. How could one color be preferred over any other? They were all just wavelengths of light - but perhaps it was another human oddity.
Stella then instructed us to hide and burst out yelling when Jedd arrived, but our camouflaging skills were not on par with that of the humans. After seeing us hidden, Stella laughed, saying that we “looked like elephants hiding behind streetlamps” (none of us knew what that meant), and then decided that it would be acceptable for us to simply wait for his arrival normally.
When Jedd saw the preparations – the banner, the wall papers, the sweetfood, and the shiny, paper-wrapped box that Stella proudly held out for him – he breathed loudly, a look of shock on his face. We were momentarily worried that he was frightened or overwhelmed by the amount of color (as many of us were), but to our relief, he and Stella embraced. Jedd then spoke to her in their human tongue - as he said it, his face became unusually red. We all knew this was a symptom of human embarrassment or shame, but Jedd rarely displayed it, and so whatever he was saying must have been special in some way; perhaps another element of the festivities? To our surprise, Stella made a very high-pitched sound in response to his words and initiated the human mouth-press of affection! We all bobbed and whistled in delight as Jedd and Stella translated: Jedd had asked Stella to enter the life-partner trial period with him, and she had accepted! It truly was a joyous day!
a thing a human did
It had been… Nine months, since we took a human in our crew. I knew what they looked like and how they behaved, but that was mostly from the manual and stories from some friends. All the normal things everyone knows. They had destroyed their world once, rebuilt it, and now dedicated their entire existence to… Stop that from happenning again. And also everything they do, have and make is either extremely useful or the most horrifying thing one could ever heard of. Just the basics.
Isa was the human’s name. A marine biologist. Our ship was one of the first ones to be made for life-keeping. Our job is to ensure that planets would still have life after the humans did their thing, a risky and complicated job, but an important one.
I had expected Isa to be small. Humans were small, from what I’ve known, but somehow that one was bigger and bulkier than me. Not as big as some others, but everyone was surprised, especially when she decided to cover her teeth in order to not scare us. She spoke in a soft tone and did everything with such delicacy we forgot how humans were.
And then, she reminded us of that.
First, she took in a seed and tried to make it grow. She would try to sing to it from time to time. I thought she was going to… To do that thing. When humans use their voices and things just start to grow out of nowhere. But, thank { }, that didn’t happen. She just kept talking to it for hours. I don’t know why she would try to communicate with it, and I was too afraid to ask.
Second, she would carry everything we deemed to be too heavy and couldn’t be carried by Ki. Some heavy things. I had to remind myself human sweat wasn’t poisonous to my species multiple times. I don’t know why, but I had to. Especially when Isa got sick and continued to work even when she was sneezing and producing muckus. That was disgusting. But then, once again, some humans would collapse before they dared to admit they had to rest.
And… And third thing. Yes. The third thing. I like her a lot, she’s my friend, but that was before we became close. Isa would collect random things to “preserve” them, and she would say those fancy words to try to classify creatures that were for no practical use. We would get to them sooner or later, but we had to have priorities. She didn’t seem to have these. She would just name and name and name everything, and somehow she remembered it all. And when one of the species became extinct once again, she would cry and write it down to remember. She would… Make them graves. I thought it was religious, but it wasn’t.
I would feel sad for them too. For the lost ones. I helped Isa with her graves, and I was the one to tell the others of who we had failed that time, and sometimes I would have to lie down and rest because it was too much. But not to the point of tears. Not to the point of my own body breaking itself down out of heartbreak and sadness. Isa got sick because of the ones we lost, and we had to care for her. I had to write things down for her so she wouldn’t try to work until she had passed out. I learned to take care of humans because of her heartbreaks with fish.
And then we… We lost too much. Sometimes we would lose some species, but not an entire planet. We were glad no deadly bacteria got to us, but we were all heartbroken. That thing ate an entire planet, and we couldn’t do anything.
Isa was the most affected. She… Vanished. Not literally, but she retreated to her own lab for weeks. We tried to keep her safe, to keep her healthy, but it was hard when we had to deal with our own failure.
One night I decided to stay awake. And then I decided to check on Isa, because she wasn’t coming to her “dinners” anymore. I did what the humans would do: Knocked on her door and waited for a response, but Isa wasn’t responding and I was worried, so I entered anyways.
She… She was trembling, but holding a thing. I asked her what was it, and she whispered for me to come closer. I did, and she asked me to hold it.
Of course, I didn’t know what to do, but I held that thing. It was mucky and wet and soft and, honestly, very disgusting, but… But I looked at Isa, and I was going to ask her what that was, but she was crying. That’s- that’s another thing humans do. They cry, and I knew they did, but that was the first time it looked so raw. I… For a moment, I thought that was blood. I had forgotten what human blood looked like, but then I remembered and I got even more scared. I was afraid of what Isa would do. Because an upset human is a problem for everyone.
But, but she just, she just looked at me. Looked at me with her face covered in those tears that multiple species were using for medicine, and pointed at that thing that was in my hands, and I knew that I shouldn’t have asked but I did it anyways. “What is this?”, and looked at that thing in my hands.
“It came from the seed”, she whispered to me. “It opened up after i fed it with the red devouring”.
“You fed that seed with a plague?”
“Listen to it”.
I did what she had asked me to. I listened to that thing. You know what it sounds like. It whispers things without words. It has something beating, and something singing, and another, last and quiet thing, growing.
What she said to me next is something I will never forget, because she was sobbing but smiling. It was a raw cry of hope.
“It’s the heartbeat of a planet”.
Humans are weird: The Venshi War
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Extract from the personal journal Jevin Thrice
“When the Venshi government announced they were going to war with humanity I remember the celebrations that were held in the streets.
Banners were unfurled, cheers and adorations made from every street corner, massive military parades held with each soldier proudly displaying their family crest as they marched through the streets of every Venshi city in the empire; one could be forgiven for mistaking it to be a cultural holiday rather than a declaration of war.
I was part of the 95th infantry and we were proudly marching through the capital city of the entire empire, Vento. The day had been clear of cloud and both suns shun proudly in the sky as if to bear witness to our march of heroes. I had enlisted only a few cycles earlier and my uniform still felt like a tight glove around me. I originally thought it was because I was too fat but the older members of the 95th told me that they always made them too small and that’d it’d stretch in time.
As we marched through the curving streets I saw thousands of faces watching me, cheering me and thrusting praise upon me with every step. My face turned a shade purple from embracement when some of the females in the crowd promised to wed those of us that returned but thankfully we marched on passed them until reaching the government quarter.
Along the street a massive platform had been erected to overlook the parade and as we came closer I saw the king himself standing at attention with his family sitting behind him. As we passed the platform we each turned to him and saluted like clockwork.
When it was my turn to salute him I caught the briefest of glances at his face. He was much older than the holo portraits made him out to be; the hair around his beard a rustic red rather than the crimson I had seen since I was a child. Though it was for but a moment the most interesting quality I saw that day was the look of his face. Instead of proud patriotic zeal or a show of fatherly love, I remember his face was hardened and almost sad looking. He looked at us as if we were already in our coffins, and it frightened me.
Not long after passing the platform we arrived at the military mustering grounds and boarded our ships. They took us up to the waiting fleet in orbit and from the view ports I saw a truly marvelous sight. A hundred Veshi ships of all makes and sizes were arrayed before us with the king’s personal flagship, the Dominix Prime, at the head. It was a mammoth of a vessel easily three times the size of any other craft in the fleet and armed from bow to stern with weapon ports.
When I had been a child my father had told me that should you ever see the Dominix Prime hovering above your planet every day afterward would be a blessing. For only the king ever commanded the vessel, and should he ever be displeased with the planet below it held enough firepower to crack a planet in two.
We left orbit two days later as we made our way to human border, each world we stopped at in the Veshi Empire contributing ships, soldiers, or war material to the effort. By the time we arrived at the border our fleet had grown to some three hundred ships and over twenty million soldiers.
The first days of the war had been uneventful as our armada carved into human controlled space. Several colony systems were located and attacked as we carved into human territory but each time the fierce fight we had been expecting never came.
Each system was often devoid of any space faring craft and the few orbital stations that were found were miniscule and easily taken over. When ground forces landed on the inhabited planets they found what sparse population centers abandoned. In a month we had taken eight systems from the humans and claimed almost twenty worlds without losing a single ship.
Things began to change shortly after we passed the Houton Nebula and our first signs of organized resistance began manifesting themselves.
Arriving at a system the humans called “Caylen” we had our first naval engagement of the war. Thirteen human craft waited in the asteroid belt surrounding the system, powered down to avoid our initial scans. When the main body of the navy had entered the system they attacked. Striking the rear of our navy they target three troop transports and their escorts.
Navy captains had been informed of the ineffectiveness of human weapons against Venshi shields so they did not bother to scatter. The human ships lined up their attack runs on the transports, their small designs allowing them to easily dodge the return fire from our escorts. They flew their ships right at them and just as they were about to crash into the Venshi shields they broke off, flying right passed them without firing a single shot. As our escorts began to turn and line up new firing vectors the first of the transports exploded.
I was on the food deck when the transports were destroyed. The navy had been broadcasting the engagement fleet wide figuring it would boost morale to see how helpless the humans were against us; but when that ship exploded I swear you could have heard a thumper rodent squeak. The feeds went dead a hairs breath after that and sirens began ringing out across the ship. The navy boys that were there suddenly became more tense and alert while the rest of us shuffled back to our waiting areas. It wasn’t till after the war I learned that humans had developed a special material that could carve through shields but was highly unstable. If it had been attached to a rocket or fired from a rail gun the material would degrade and lose its capabilities. So their engineers designed a special lance like rod equipped with a plasma warhead that would be flung like a spear from ships using the kinetic energy it had built up to launch it rather than thrusters.
Some 800 thousand soldiers died between those three transports and five escort ships of what was to be the first of many raids; and as I was to find out first-hand the army did not fare any better.
When we reached the only inhabited planet in the system the 95th was chosen to be the ones to spearhead the invasion. I boarded out assault shuttle and took my seat as the engines ignited and the gravity harnesses engaged.
My seat was near the window and I watched the midnight black of space slowly fade away into an ocean like blue as we entered the atmosphere. I’d never set foot on another world before and despite going into what was an active warzone I couldn’t help but be somewhat excited. I looked out the window with that hopeless optimism right up until the first enemy rocket hit the assault shuttle besides ours.
The rocket streaked up from the surface like a shooting star and hit the cockpit in a blinding flash leaving nothing but falling debris. I would have watched more were it not for the sudden jerk of my own shuttle swerving to the left and then right. No doubt our pilot had been trying to avoid the same fate but these shuttles while armored were not built for evasive maneuvers.
I saw soldier beside me clutching their guns until their fingers turned a bright red while other new recruits like me began sobbing and crying out for their loved ones as the shuttle continued dodging the intensifying ground fire. The noise became so unbearable I closed my eyes as tight as they would go and waited for the moment the rocket would destroy our shuttle.
An eternity of noise passed before I felt the shuttle jerk violently and the gravity harnesses disengage.
“OUT OUT OUT!”
The voice over the loud speaker cut through the noise and I leapt from my seat. Moving on pure muscle memory rather than personal direction I piled out of the craft no sooner had the boarding ramp hit the ground with a loud thud.
We had landed in what appeared to be a city square of some sort, each side of the open space surrounded by several storied buildings. At the center of the square stood a tall statue of a human woman who appeared blindfolded and holding a strange set of scales in one hand and a book in the other.
As I exited off the ramp I took cover behind a nearby stone bench with several others and trained my weapon on the surrounding buildings. The engines of the shuttle roared back to life and I turned to see the craft rising back out of the square in such a hurry that the pilot had not even waited for the boarding ramp to fully close. A misstep that cost the pilot their life as just as they were about to crest the tallest building in the square a rocket was fired from a nearby window straight into the exposed interior.
The back of the shuttle exploded outwards like a fireball and the shuttle came crashing down to the square nearly crushing me in the process had I not leaped out of the way. The comrades I had been with at the bench were not so lucky and screamed as the burning remains landed on them.
As I stood to my feet gunfire erupted from every corner of the square. From every window now appeared a muzzle flash as we were systematically gunned down in the exposed square. I stood to my feet and rushed to cover behind the statue of the human woman and returned fire.
Chips of stone were blown off by the human weapons and the shards sliced my face to pieces as those around me were cut down. I had no idea if any of my shots were actually hitting the enemy but by then all I could do is fire and scream as I poured plasma round after plasma round into every window I saw a flash.
It was after my third clip I realized that there were only a handful of us left and we were being slaughtered one by one. I desperately sought a way to escape the square but every street leading out of the square would require me to make a mad dash across open ground.
Another stone shard cut my face deep and I felt my face going numb and drove me to further crouch behind the statue. Had it not happened I doubt I would have realized my only escape was through the burning remains of the shuttle craft.
Looking behind me I saw the ramp was still down and the back of the craft had been blown out by the rocket, turning it into a burning tunnel to freedom. I tapped the soldiers next to me and pointed at the craft but they merely shrugged me off and continued firing at the windows. It was only when I saw a massive mechanical vehicle slowly drive into the opposite end of the square that I knew it was no or never.
Dashing from the cover of the statue I sprinted across the square back towards the burning shuttle just as the mechanical vehicle fired from its massive turret. I was thrown forward several feet as the blast annihilated the base of the statue I had previously been covering in. Rising to my feet unsteadily I turned to see the blast had turned my comrades who had remained there into nothing but red mush. When I looked up and saw the turret slowly adjusting in my direction I turned back to the shuttle and sprinted into the flames.
The heat was unbearable and I could feel my skin beginning to peel off as I pushed my way through the wreckage. No sooner had I made it through the flaming remains and darted around the corner had the mechanical vehicle fired again and obliterated what was left of the shuttle craft.
I ran for more than five blocks before I dove into a side street to catch my breath. I slouched against a nearby wall and looked up at the sky as I gasped for air.
Dozens of landing shuttle like my own were descending from orbit and were being met with a blizzard of enemy fire. Rockets streaked across the sky and heavy anti air cannons roared to life like the drums of the ancients.
It was not I realized what it meant to go to war with humanity and the mountains of dead we would leave behind to achieve our victory.
Humans are weird: Fast Food
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Alien: Where is this king of burgers? Human: Planning of fighting him are we? Alien: I shall claim his crown for my own. Human: *Walks over to counter and talks to cashier* Human: *Comes back with cardboard crown* Human: He was too scared to face you so surrendered it. Alien: *Looks at crown on, gets teary eyed* Alien: Finally! I have a crown! Alien: My father will let me return to my homeworld! Human: Christ this took a turn for serious. ———————-
Alien: Be careful friend human… Alien: That man in the corner has not stopped watching us since we entered. Human: *Turns to look* Human: That is a statue of a clown in a suit. Alien: I can feel his evil presence from here. Human: I can’t argue with that with a body count like his. ———————–
Alien: Why is this jack in a box? Human: Well you see- Alien: Is it the same as being in the closet? Human: What? Alien: Is he afraid to express his true emotional state of being? Human: No, that’s not- Alien: *Stands up and starts shouting* Alien: Where is this Jack! I must give him a hug and tell him everything will be alright!!! ————————–
Alien: Why would I want to eat here? Human: What’s wrong with here? Alien: You are advertising food made in the cold depths beneath your city streets. Human: Look, the name doesn’t actually mean it was made in a sub- Human: *Pauses to think* Human: Actually with how it tastes I can’t blame you for thinking like that. ———————-
Alien: Your people are sick monsters. Human: I knew this already, but for any particular reason? Alien: You stole all of the wings from every buffalo! Human: In our defense, they were delicious. ——————–
Alien: If the location is outside of California, can it still be called a California pizza kitchen? Human: If I rip out one of your kidney’s, is it still a kidney? Alien: That was a bit of a dark comparison. Human: You mess with the CPK and you get the knife. ——————–
Human Waiter: What can I get you? Alien: One of your finest hedgehogs please. Human Waiter: *Visible confusion* Alien: You may hold the rings, as I am allergic to gold. ———————–
Alien: Why does this menu look different? Human: Because we were at hardees last time. Alien: Is this not hardees? Human: No, this is Carl’s jr. Alien: But they both have the same star logo. Human: True. Alien: And they both serve substandard food do they not? Human: I mean, technically they- Alien: Then they are the same, yes? Human: Just eat your damn burger. ————————
Alien: If this place is known for their bread sticks why are they not called as such? Human: Because breadstick garden doesn’t sound as nice. Alien: What it does sound like is false advertising to me. ————————-
Alien: Is it a mermaid or a woman splitting her legs? Human: To this very day no one really knows. ————————-
Human: Aren’t you enjoying yourself? Alien: No, I hate it here. Human: But why? Alien: I was promised owls and all they have given me is scantily clad human females. Human waitress: *Seductive* Can I get you boys anything else? Alien: You may bring me an avian owl or leave us wench! ———————–
Alien: *Throws plate away* Human: What the hell!?! Alien: I will not have bees in my apples! Alien: NEVER!!!!!! Alien: *Picks up nearby waiter and hurls them into bar* ———————-
Human: Can I help you? Alien: Bring this message to your queen of dairy. Alien: *Drops clerk official scroll* Alien: I wish to open trade negotiations. Human: *confused* You might as well get a blizzard talking like that. Alien: *Nods* You are right. Alien: I do not wish to offend the queen with such directness.
Humans are space warriors
So ya'll know about war? It's a crappy thing, isn't it? Families being torn apart, murder being commonplace, stealing what belongs to completely different cultures of people. All because some Rich dumbasses didn't like the way another country looked at them.
Humans are pretty good at fighting, so much so that we even make sports out of it, mma, paintball/airsoft deciding who gets the last slice of pizza out of your siblings; it's safe to say we humans don't exactly shy away from violence, between action movies, most video games and some of the sports I just mentioned it's become a common part of our lives.
Now, considering that Earth might be a deathworld, it's safe to say that this probably isn't normal across space culture. I'm willing to bet this would make us a very feared and/or respected member of the galactic council, making us especially good at being security guards, bouncers, soldiers, etc.
Again though, Earth is a deathworld, so our normal civilians would most likely outclass even the most well trained fighters from other races, but what about our pros? The cream of the crop? The people with looks that can kill.
I think it's fair to say that soldiers or martial artists would essentially be seen as mythical unkillible demigod. Certain aliens would most likely search for these people like an apprentice looking for the kung-fu master only known through legend, hearsay and that one shitty movie that no one liked based off of their life.
Not only that, in fighting we have mutual respect for one another... most of the time, but ignoring dickheads who kick someone while they're down and people who support the british soccer team, humans will know when to draw the line and let their opponent recover.
This culminates in us being one of the most well trained warriors and most well disciplined fighters in all of the galaxy.
Humans are Weird: Weddings
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Alien: When do we eat the birds? Human: After they have said their vows. *Couple says vows, kisses, doves released* *Alien grabs dove midair and bites head off* Human: Jesus! I thought you meant the cooked chicken!!! Human: Wrong bird! WRONG BIRD!!!!!!! —————————
Alien: Why do you humans wear bands of metal when marrying? Human: It is a symbol to show that one is joined to another. Alien: How so? Human: The finger it is placed on has a vein that leads directly to one’s heart, therefore when one dons a wedding ring their loved one is always close to their heart. Alien: Would it not be easier to implant the metal into your body near your heart? Human: Three things wrong with that plan bucko. Human: 1. No one could see that I was married. Human: 2. Medical procedures are expensive. Human: And 3. I would most likely die from metal poisoning because that is not how human bodies work. —————————
Alien: Why are the humans so picky about their seating during the ceremony? Human: It signifies which family or friend they belong to. Alien: Why is that important? Human 2 *Walking by*: Because if a fight breaks out you want your allies next to you. Alien: Makes sense now. Human: SHUSH!!! —————————-
Alien: Why does the human female hold flowers while walking down the aisle? Human: Originally it was herbs to ward off evil spirits. Alien: When I walked down the aisle I just carried a knife. Human: That’s one way to ward off spirits I guess. Alien: Spirits? Alien: No; I used it to defend myself against the suitors I passed over. Alien: They did not take rejection well. —————————–
Human: Are you curious why the bridesmaids dress like the same? Alien: To confuse assassins and protect the bride. Human: What? Alien: If they are all wearing the same clothes assassins can’t tell who the target is. Human: Tabling that theory for a moment, you do realize that these would be assassins can still see their faces right? Alien: To be fair most humans all appear the same to us. Human: Even me? Alien: Of course not Margret. Human: I’m Frank…… ———————————–
Alien: It is pathetic that your human females need to be given away for marriage. Alien: Be a real male and take them yourself! Human: There are a few laws explaining why that is highly illegal. ————————————-
Human: Awe, here come the ring bearers. *Two small children come walking down the aisle* Alien: Look out!! Alien: *Springs out before couple and punches both small children, taking the rings* Human: What the hell are you- Alien: Quickly! We must find the nearest volcano and destroy these evil creations! Bride: You let them watch lord of the rings didn’t you?!? ————————————–
Alien: Why decorate your bands with shiny rocks? Human: They are meant to display wealth and value of your spouse. Alien: PFt! That’s stupid. Human 2: Also if you slap someone with it it cuts their faces open like a letter opener. Human: What the fuck dude!? Alien: I like the actual reasons your friend provides for your culture than your superficial explanations. ————————————–
Alien: How loyal are your best man? Human: They’d die for me. Best man *walking by*: But only if there was open bar. —————————————–
Alien: Why are all bride dresses white? Human: They are meant to represent purity. Alien: I saw the bride nearly stab someone earlier for spilling chocolate on it. Human: Purity is open to interpretation these days. ——————————————-
Alien: Is there a procedure if the couple dies after the wedding? Human: Only if it’s a Hallmark movie. ——————————————
Human: What are your marriages like? Alien: 50 males and 50 females are put into a room together and locked in. Human: Do they then pair off? Alien: No, they start murdering each other until only two are left; then they are married. Human: How has your species survived this long!?!? Alien: We have a huge birth rate. ——————————————–
Alien: When do we carry the couple to bed? Human: Only the French do that and it hasn’t happened in a few hundred years. Alien: What happened? Human: Couple of revolutions and a shit load of decapitations. ———————————————
Alien: Why the veil? Alien: Is it meant to ward off evil spirits too? Human: Technically yes, but also meant to stop the groom from seeing her face. Alien: Why is that important? Human: Arranged marriages used to be much more common and some grooms fled if they saw something they didn’t like. Alien: So by the time they saw their face… Human: It was too late and they were locked in. Alien: Deviously cunning. Human: Really? Alien: I can sneak close to a target and stab them as my face will be obscured by fabric. Human: Ah, gotchya. ————————————————-
Alien: Why must the male carry the female over the doorway? Human: To protect her from evil spirits. Alien: Do you not find it odd most of your traditions stem from a fear of bad spirits? Human: Does your traditions stemming from blood sacrifices not concern you? Alien: What do you mean “stemming from”? Alien: We still carry out blood sacrifices. Human: But I thought you said this was a bridal shower? *Goat brought in* Alien: *Reaches for knife* Alien: Didn’t say what we would be showering in.
Humans are Weird: City Planning
( Please come see me on my new patreon and support me for early access to stories and personal story requests :D https://www.patreon.com/NiqhtLord Every bit helps)
“How many people live here?”
The ambassador’s shuttle slowly descended from orbit over the human capital city of Green Haven. It was a sprawling mass of stone, metal, and glass that stretched out for miles in every direction. Even from her position in the shuttle thousands of miles in the air all she could see reaching into the horizon, over hills and across rivers, was nothing but building upon building.
Her assistant pulled out a data pad and quickly sprawled through the information stream until finding the answer.
“By current headcount standards for the surface dwellers,” they began, “there are roughly 56.3 million living souls; a majority of which are human.”
Ambassador Cik la sat down and continued to gaze out the window as the shuttle merged into more organized traffic lanes on its way to the air dome.
“That is roughly the same amount of our people we have in the colonization project in the Karibea Belt.”
Cik la rubbed her eyes and the number but stopped when she took in her assistant’s full wording.
“What do you mean by “Surface dwellers”? “ Cik la asked.
“The current figures only represent the population above the surface level of the planet, while the portion that lives underneath the city is not countable due to a wide variety of inconsistences.”
Her assistant pulled up a few new figures before continuing.
“By rough estimate there may well be another 10-20 million living in the under city.”
“It has an under city too!?” Cik la couldn’t believe what she was hearing. “How do so many live in such a tiny area?”
“Research has found that while not desirable, human are more than willing to except smaller living conditions; sometimes almost too unbelievable conditions.”
Cik La mockingly laughed at this.
“Being able to survive is not the question,” she began, “the question is why would they tolerate such conditions in the first place?”
She spread her hand across the horizon that was dotted with the mountain like structures of sky scrapers and mega farms.
“To live like an ant in a colony sounds more akin to horrific torture than a way to go about life.”
Her assistant sat down opposite her and continued scrolling through her pad for the answer while the ambassador continued.
“The stench alone would be enough to drive one mad, let alone being crammed together with strangers on a daily basis.”
Lacking any meaningful answer her assistant put down her pad and looked out the window herself.
“It’s possible they do it as a means for survival.” She saw the questioning look of Chik la and shrugged as if she couldn’t believe it herself. “What fool would be willing to attack such a large mass of potential soldiers head on?”
“Could it really be that simple?” the ambassador asked, though not particularly to anyone specific on the shuttle. Her assistant held her green hand to the window and covered a portion of the horizon with her fingers before moving them back and forth playfully.
“Maybe humans just can’t handle being alone and have an animalistic urge to seek other of their kind out?”
Cik la nodded at this, as if it was somehow more reasonable; yet it still felt like they were missing something. Maybe the site was historically significant, maybe it was the crossroads of major trade routes, maybe it was because humans needed a place to call home and form communities.
She pondered this question for another hour as the shuttle descended and it followed her throughout the rest of the day until finally she met with the city’s main human administrator and asked them for an answer.
To her surprise they chuckled and gave her an answer unlike anything she had ever heard.
“Most of us are just here for the pizza. “
We've talked a little about this before, but let's dive into the why.
Why are aliens so opposed to humans smiling?
One of the most well known and widely warned about traits of humans is their smile. The alien species known as humans use smiling as a means of friendliness. Various context clues trigger a smile, from "I am showing I am happy to see you", to "I'm trying to diffuse the tense situation," to even "I hate you but I'm gonna be polite about it." With so many "friendly" uses, humans smile and they're smile a LOT. Even a more knowledgeable human can slip up.
Even on their own planet, humans are one of the very few who do this. Similar species, both apes and monkeys, will smile in either submission or aggression.
Teeth are a common occurrence across the universe. They evolve for one or both reasons: to eat (especially meat) and for defense.
If an alien is from ancestors who were often bottom of the food chain, it stands to reason that a smile translates to "I will eat you."
With predator species, a smile subconciously translates to one of two things. Defensive or dominance.
Dominance: "I am better than you. I will bite you if you don't agree."
Defensive: "I feel threatened. I will bite you if you don't back off."
Though rare, a handful of alien species consider smiling to be a submissive trait. "My teeth are clamped. I won't bite you." This could have led to humans being bullied, if humans were so easily bullied.
Just as aliens are warned of this trait, so are the humans. A single, uninformed human can quickly cause a lot of stress and tension in a ship simply by trying to do the opposite.
The best course of action, everyone found, was a simple tool. Masks are often put to use to hide the ferocious smiles.
Humans are weird: Their own worst enemy
( Please come see me on my new patreon and support me for early access to stories and personal story requests :D https://www.patreon.com/NiqhtLord Every bit helps) Taken from memoir of Levire Gaston
“When my people first made contact with humanity I must speak truthfully and admit I did not think much of them.
Their bodies were not but soft flesh and brittle bones and their egos were even more fragile. They were quick to anger, lacking in the nuances of conversation, and seemed to prefer the direct approach in all matters as if it was something to be proud of.
I had spoken out against allying ourselves with them as I saw little to gain from such an agreement but my government thought it would be better and aligned ourselves with the pink skins.
The day I went alongside them to war is one I still remember as clear as day after more than two centuries.
It is truly an astonishing sight to watch a professional human warrior go about their work. All their brashness, all their stubbornness, all their childish habits are turned off with the flick of a switch and they became the monsters the universe seems to now label them as.
Their efficiency was matched only by their ruthlessness as they laid waste to our enemies. I watched a platoon of them charge across open ground while under heavy fire with only one surviving to reach the other side; what’s more rather than retreat the soldier continued the mission and destroyed the enemy emplacement even as their life’s blood ran out of their wounds like rivers of anguish and pain.
I had expected the soldier to expire from their sustained damage or retreat back to the safety of the rear lines to recover, yet they merely bandaged themselves with a small medkit and cauterized their more severe wounds over a nearby flame before continuing on.
After the battle I sought out that human soldier and over time we became close friends. Despite the many wars we fought together over the years to come I had never saw them lose focus or cower in the face of overwhelming odds. Truly they were a beacon of what all who carry arms should strive to.
Even after we exited military service we remained close friends and we corresponded frequently with each other. On several occasions we even met each other’s families, our bond of brotherhood remaining strong as ever.
One year I remember inviting them to a hunting trip on my homeworld for a relaxing getaway. The forests of the Great Chasm were rich and vibrant with all manner of life and we collected many a trophy. Yet so fervent had we been in the hunt that we had lost track of time and found nightfall surrounding us while we still lay miles from the nearest vestiges of civilization.
My friend insisted they we hurry back and leave but I told him that these woods warped perspective at night and we would become lost in the branches. They continued to say if they dropped their trophies and just left now we could make it, but I merely laughed and began setting up camp for the night.
As night finally consumed us we sat around the fire and shared a drink from my personal container. They seemed to need it more that night as I noticed their eyes never seemed to rest on a single spot for long and when he stretched his back he was actually using it as an excuse to look behind him. Something was clearly bothering them, but when I asked they merely laughed and evaded the question.
We sat by the fire for two hours before I went to sleep while they continued to stoke the fire and keep their eyes focused on the darkness.
I’m not sure how long I was asleep for when I was woken by the sounds of gunfire. I threw my blanket off and raised my own weapon that had been by my side. What I saw as my eyes blinked into focus was something I had not witnessed in all my life.
My friend, survivor of a hundred battles and a dozen wars, was whimpering and sobbing like a new born babe while firing blindly into the night.
I called out to them and demanded to know what they were firing at but their response was mumbled and distorted.
“It’s out there.”
That was one of the few things I could understand from my friend.
“It’s out there and it wants me.”
When I tried to ask who was out there I heard a night comoko bird howl and my friend spun on their heels and fired wildly. I dove for cover as they continued firing erratically, chunks of wood and stone flying like a blizzard as the bullets tore through them.
I heard a distinct clicking sound and knew they had run out of ammunition. As soon as I heard the magazine being ejected I rolled out and tackled my friend to the ground.
“Get a hold of yourself!” I remember shouting over and over as they struggled in my grasp.
I got a glimpse of their face in the moon light and it was like nothing I had seen before.
There was nothing there but pure fear.
It smothered him so deeply in its embrace that they had lost all reason and logic and only wished to survive from this unseen horror.
When they reached for their knife I knew I had no choice and punched them square across the jaw so hard they blacked out till next morning.
They did not speak a word to me the next morning when they did wake up, nor on the trek back to where we had left our vehicle to return home. Only during the ride back did they speak of what happened, and then we swore never to speak of it again.
While I was nestled in the comfort of slumber my friend was awake in the dark, and in that dark place his mind began to wonder; their mind becoming ever more warped and strung with each passing minute.
Every creek of wood became an unseen voice, every rustle of leaves a growl of an unknown monster, every animal call in the night the herald of a nightmare coming to slay him.
I had hunted many years in those woods with my father and not once had I felt the things they described to me. I told them this and said that everything they heard was natural for the forest, but they just shook their head and sighed.
“The mind hears what it wants to hear.” They said to me.
After they left to return to their own family I did some research on what they said and found to my horror that they were not entirely wrong.
The human capacity for imagination was well known, but what was seemingly overlooked was that humans lacked the ability to turn it off. Their minds could jump from thought to though faster than they could even breathe and what had started as the whimpers of a small rodent had led to my friends mind believing it was hearing the cackles of a nightmarish creature from beyond.
Their very mind had created the fear that drove them to madness.“
Humans are weird: Defensive Pacts
( Don’t forget to come see my on my new patreon and support me for early access to stories and personal story requests :D https://www.patreon.com/NiqhtLord ) Nestled in high orbit, the Vana fleet bombarded the world of Elvena with lethal showers of ordinance.
Ship Master Ka’tek sat and watched from his flagship the “Emerald Hand” as the atomic clouds burst skywards like giant mushrooms as each shell detonated far below him. His fleet had positioned themselves along the very edge of the night side of the planet so that instead of the morning sun rising in the east the citizens of this doomed world would see the atomic fires of their destruction slowly getting closer.
Casually he reached for a crystal glass nearby and took a soft drink as some of his eyes began to slowly close. Enough were still open to convince his surrounding bridge crew that he was awake but in truth the ship master was tried and the destruction unfolding before him did little to hold his interest. The warm contents of the glass tickled his insides and one by one his closed eyes opened again.
He looked down at his chronometer and ran several calculations through his head. At the rate of the standard rate of fire and reloading of the planet destroying ordinance coupled with the amount of travel time from the ship to the surface and the current rotation speed of the planet below it would take between 25 to 37 hours before the entire surface of the covered in craters and atomic ash.
Ka’tek was not oblivious to the destruction and raw power being unleashed before him, nor neglectful of his responsibilities; but having carried out dozens of these operations in his time it had become little more than a procedure meant to be repeated and forgotten as one would take a breath of air.
In truth he didn’t even know why the Vana government had declared war and issued the warrant of destruction. Politics had never been an interest for Ka’tek and he was content to remain a simple commander in the Vana navy.
“We are detecting gravitational disturbances on long range scanners.”
Ka’tek turned at the announcement and looked for at his scan officer. “How far out?”
Before his officer could reply warning claxons began ringing out across the bridge.
“Multiple breaches detected, 500 kilometers in front of the fleet!”
Before Ka’tek could even get to his feet he saw multiple space ruptures on the view screen. The empty space before the Vana fleet began to seemingly vibrate and ripple as if it was a pond in a thunderous storm and in a blink of an eye two dozen ships materialized.
“Fleet wide broadcast,” Ka’tek shouted, “cease bombardment operations and prepare for fleet engagement!”
Ka’tek knew this was the worst possible time to be come upon by an enemy fleet. The ships had to rotate on their axis to point their broadside weapons towards the surface of the planet. With the time it would take to reposition the fleet for fleet combat they would be sitting ducks.
Whoever the new ships belonged to they had arrived in a tight cluster but were now rapidly spreading apart and attempting to encircle the Vana fleet. The ship master was about to issue a fresh set of orders when the communication officer interrupted him.
“We are receiving a message from the opposing fleet.”
The noise of the bridge bled away instantly as they waited for the message.
“This is Admiral Jonathan Morse of the Earth Protectorate. Elvena is under our protection and as such you will cease all hostile actions and immediately surrender or be fired upon.”
As the message ended the crew remained silent, every head turning to Ka’tek.
The ship master took a deep breath before opening the communication line.
“This is Ship Master Ka’tek of the Vana Republic and we do not recognize human control of-“
A bright flash cut across the space between the two fleets and in a flash the cruiser anchored next to the Emerald Hand exploded.
Ka’tek looked on in disbelief as the ship slowly began drifting planet side as the gravity well took hold of it.
“You were warned.”
Ka’tek heard the last message over the speakers but by then it was already too late.
Every ship in the human fleet opened fire on the Vana ships; the space between them filled with barrages of missiles, energy lances, and hard shell hull crackers.
Vana ships that had been attempting to turn and face the humans were caught lopsided and exposed, their shields flaring under the strain while their engines burned red hot trying to turn and bring their own guns to bear in their defense. Only one in a dozen was able to make the turn and return fire, the others exploding and falling to the planet’s surface.
Ka’tek’s mind had shut down from the sudden and near fatal mental strain thrust upon him. He could not fathom why humanity would risk an open war with the Vana over a planet and people of now worth.
Elvana held no strategic position, no political power, no natural resources to exploit….yet humanity had thrown down the gauntlet.
Ka’tek pushed these thoughts to the side and rallied himself. He would dwell on these acts of madness later, for now there was a battle to win.
“We have engaged the enemy fleet and as expected they have ceased their bombardment of your planet.”
Admiral Morse stood at attention as he addressed the Elvanan Elderman before him. The hologram projector flickered ever few seconds as the residual radiation on the surface interrupted the feed.
“Their numbers have been cut in half but they are still continuing to fight. I would recommend you remain in your shelters until we have driven them from the system.”
“Woooooords do not expresssssssss our thanks.” The Elderman said as they clasped his arms together and bowed. Elvanan vocal cords functioned at different frequencies than humans and as a result the translator unit struggled to compose the message.
Morse mimicked the gesture and then cut the signal, his attention turning back to the battle at hand.
“Have the third fleet begin circling the planet to cut off their lines of retreat; fourth and sixth fleets continuing firing on their flanks while we focus on their flagship.”
His second in command relayed the orders and the bridge crew carried out their duties accordingly.
The enemy fleet began to close ranks and form around their flagship and slowly return fire on the human fleets.
“Not exactly the most honorable of battles we have ever fought.” His second remarked as he took his place at his side. “We attacked them with their pants down.”
Morse grimaced at that remark and shot a disapproving stare at his second. “When you attack civilians you do not get the benefit of honorable combat.”
His second nodded conceding the point before taking note of the unfolding battle. “They must be so confused why we would invest such military power into protecting this world right about now.”
“This battle carries greater weight than you think.”
His second looked at Morse questioningly and so he continued.
“Regardless of their worth, we have an agreement with these people and as such we must honor it.” Morse began. “If we fail our obligations then no one would ever deal with us again.”
Another of the Vanan vessels exploded and Morse waved him away. He would worry about the politics of the war after he was finished winning it.
Humans are space heisters
Look who's back with another humans are space orcs post that nobody asked for!
Anyway, ya'll know about heist films or prison break films? Ones where a gang of misfits or whatever band together and create and elaborate plan to pull off a near impossible task? Like escaping Alcatraz or stealing the mona lisa or something?
Well if humans really are space orcs then I imagine crime would be pretty tame in space until we come along. At most you'd maybe get a fine for loitering or a court hearing for speeding.
Now imagine humans come into the galactic council and as they join and adopt the systems of the space society a small group of criminals decide they want to shoot for the moon and pull off a heist in the most high security bank in the known galaxy.
It starts off with human telivision broadcasting the wonders of alien civilization. They briefly show off the biggest bank our would-be heisters have ever seen. After that they start to formulate a plan.
On the day of the heist they strategically position themselves around the bank and all start their attacks at once, donning masks and pulling out weaponry telling everyone to get on the floor.
They'd probably not be taken seriously at first, but then they shoot a security guard and everybody panics. There are no security systems in place because this kind of stuff has never happened. So by the time the heisters escape with a shitload of money the authorities have yet to hear about what's happening.
Imagine the news that would be reported the day that the heist goes off: "group of psycho human criminals hold civilians hostage and steal untold amounts of money from [bank name]"
Only for humans to be like, "Yeah, criminals do that." And the rest of space civilization just being like: "What. The. Fuck"
“Humans are such a pathetic little thing”, the Ambassador of Elriene said, on her all-mighty, echoing voice. “Always trying to show off, to look better than the pathetic, soft, flesh creatures they truly are”.
The flames of the broken ship were getting bigger, hungrier, consuming whatever they could. A precise, surprise attack to get more treasures.
The Ambassador played with the crystal ball on her hand, watching as it glew with sunlight. All the aliens below her lowered their eyes, terrified of her wrath. For the Ambassador, this was all but another day of work, conquering and taking everything the Land of Elriene deemed below them. And she was their terrifying, beautiful beast.
“Humans are a plague”, she said, sounding like a whisper. “A crooked, evil plague. They take what they want, they leave sickness behind. They do not care about any of you, for their greed is far stronger than any sense of love. You are all lucky for having me there; otherwise, your little humans would for sure destroyed you in order to survive this deathworld you crashed in”.
Then, like she wanted to make her cruel joke come to a conclusion, she turned to one of her guards. He immediately grabbed one of the three humans that were lying on the ground, tossing him to the Ambassador’s front.
The earthling whispered curses as he raised his head, staring into her cold eyes.
“Pathetic thing”, she said. “What are you going to tell me? That deep down, you humans are all good? Or, mayhaps, that even if you are indeed cruel, you still chose to be good, to be better?”
The man blinked. On the other side, the crew watched with horror, not being able to do anything else but pray that a miracle would happen.
He took a deep breath, then. The Ambassador always made sure to show everyone in the entire Universe of the last words her enemies would say, making sure that even the brighest cry of hope sounded more like a pathetic whimper of a fool.
“No”, the human whispered.
“Oh?”
The Ambassador was smiling. Of course she was; she had won. No human survives the anger of the Land of Elriene.
“I was going to say that you’re a moron and that I’m going to hunt your ass down to the ends of the Universe.
But all humans made sure to make a spetacle.
“You… What?”
She was more annoyed than surprised. That whole ideal was like a vermin being annoying to the good, righteous gardener, who always worked hard to keep the place clean and beautiful.
“Can’t understand something simple like being called a moron?”, he added, smiling menacingly. “Damn, your guards must pity you so much, they can’t even say something as obvious as that. Sorry for them”.
“What an interesting insect we have here…”.
“I’m a mammalian, actually. Weren’t you a human hunter? You kind of need to know this sort of stuff”.
“Careful, Brian!”, a second human, Dominique, rose their voice, dark eyes gleeming with delight. “I don’t think she can understand that. Her planet doesn’t have many mammalians”.
“Oh, sorry for that, girl”, Brian procceeded, apologising with a head nod. “Human education is kinda different. I thought that, since you hated humans so much, you would know more”.
The Ambassador looked at the two… Gremlins. Yes, the precise word! Bad, nasty, pesky gremlins! She raised her head, too disgusted to look at them in the face: “I know what a ‘mammalian’ is. I simply did not comprehend just how stupid you could be. And here I was, actually being careful with my plans! Vermin like you-”
“Mammalian”, the third and final human, Antônia, corrected her.
“Vermin like you”, the Ambassador insisted. “Should die. Just like the way your planet died”.
“We brought Earth back, though?”, Brian asked. “That’s basic human history”.
“What if she can’t read human books?”, Antônia suggested. “Poor girl! You should get yourself a translator. They are really cool. I use one!”
“ENOUGH!”
The trio shut themselves, looking at the all-mighty, foolish Ambassador. With a skin glowing in pure blue, she floated to be above them all, tossing the crystal ball to one of her guards.
“Off with them”, was her order. “Get them out of my sights. Show these foolish ones our exterminating job”.
“Oh!”
Everyone turned to look at Dominique, who, tied up, jumped and rolled around until they could be in front of their fellow humans, pathetically trying to clap their hands.
“Me first!”, they asked.
The Ambassador rolled her eyes. “Shoot her in the arms”.
Brian could see the rest of their crew looking at them in horror. They whispered and begged for some kind of mercy, but the cruel Ambassador simply did not care. With the brevity of a blink, a shot was fired.
The aliens screamed. The humans did not.
“Uh…”, one of the guards whispered. “Ma’am… Isn’t human blood supposed to be a darker red?”
“Of course! W…”
Dominique shrugged, looking at their (prosthetic) arm splattered in the ground, a neon shade of red coming out of it, becoming strange, unusual tones as it spread around.
“Ma’am, Ambassador, girl, friend”, the human shouted. “Didn’t you know there is more than one type of human?”
“What?!”
“Yeah!”, Brian agreed. “There’s thirty-seven types of humans around”.
“What?!”
“Dominique here is kind of undead. They will rise from the grave and eat your flesh if you keep messing around with our crew!”, Antônia added, smiling. “Approach me, and I’ll tear your arms out with my silver teeth!”
She opened her mouth, showing shiny pieces of metal decorating her yellowed teeth, with a single string connecting them all. The Ambassador, never hearing of a basic thing such as braces, made a horrified, disgusting noise.
All the aliens from the Land of Elriene were allergic to silver.
“I-is that true, ma’am?!”, one of the guards asked their leader, horrified.
“N-no!”, but that did not sound like someone was sure of herself.
“AND I TELL YOU MORE!”, Brian shouted, awkwardly getting up. “Mess with me, and my ancestors are going to hunt you down even after death!”
“P-prove it, then”, the Ambassador said.
The man immediately made the most horrifying, awful, ear-shattering noise he possibly could, shaking his head around to immitate both an elrienean being mauled by a predator, and a person being possessed in an horror flick.
Brian jumped around, screaming and shaking himself, before throwing himself to the ground.
Like the vermin the Ambassador believed all humans to be, he crawled his way towards her, laughing.
“fooOooOoOOOLISH c RE aTURE”, he whispered. “dARES TO HURT OUR COMPANIONS?”
Dominique and Antônia blinked at their friend when the Ambassador kicked him in the face with a scream.
“Get out of me!”, she ordered, watching as Brian fell to the ground and…
Laughed.
“IF WE ARE VERMIN, WE ARE PARASITE. IF WE ARE PARASITE, YOU ARE OUR HOST”, he continued, ignoring Dominique awkwardly trying to hold him close. “AND WE ARE HUNGRY”.
The Ambassador screamed with horror, along all the guards. Antônia got up, showing off her (fake) silver teeth, and they all immediately started to run.
Dominique threw their prosthetic arm to the invader’s direction, warranting a scream. The Ambassador dropped the crystal ball, cursing as she ran away from the “possessed, daemonic parasite”, completely ignoring Brian coughing as he tried to recover from his own acting.
When the invaders escaped in their ship, everyone looked at the trio.
The humans smiled, of course, and shared a high-five.
“And that’s why you don’t mess with actors”.
—
Ko-fi | Commission Info
Alien:... I'm sorry, what?
Human: oh yeah, appareny it really did happen. That's how we developed our datings I think, by determining how long ago since Christ died.
Alien: YOU CRUCIFIED A GOD?!
Human: woah, not me personally! This happened centuries ago. He could not have picked a worse time to come.
Alien: YOUR SPECIES KILLED A GOD! HOW ARE YOU NOT ALARMED?!
Human: Oh! It's all good. He says all is forgiven as long as we're nice to each other, and we follow his rules.
Nurse Trouble
(Part 1)
John rushed down the hall, very nearly late to the meeting with the new doctor. He slipped in the door and looked towards the three others in the room.
"John!" Dr. Marlin exclaimed with feigned excitement, "I'm glad you could join us. Come, sit" She pointed to a seat in front of the desk.
John sat, feeling slightly squished by the individuals sitting in chairs on either side of him.
Aliens. John had never met an alien in person before. Once, an Alax'ot joined in on a lecture while he was still studying, bit he hadn't had the chance to converse then. But now? Was the new doctor an alien?
"Doctor Jeva, Commander Müsk, meet Nurse John Grayson. He's the one I've been telling you of!" Dr.Marlin had a large grin. The two individuals both turned to John, and he wasn't sure who to look at first.
"Nice to meet you, ah, who is who? If I might ask..." John said nervously. He really wanted this to go well. The individual on his left smiled.
It was an unnaturally large smile, that only added to John's nervousness. He smiled a bit wider back, trying not to look as scared as he felt. "I am Doctor Jeva, that is Commander Müsk. It is nice to meet one another, especially after so many fascinating stories." Jeva's voice was smooth and deep.
“Vines” aka Human Cries: an intergalactic guide.
@thecatchat @wilboo-soot
If you’ve ever worked with or fought or interacted with a human there is a high likelihood you’ve witnessed one of their many cries. Whether another human called, they answered a phrase from a machine or report, they called to themselves, or you unknowingly instigated one of them, you were probably confused as all space.
You see, humans are very social creatures. One of their ways of socializing is by instigating these calls. One might cry out and all- no matter what side they are on or what they are dong- will answer. Most everyone agrees, it’s unnerving. BUT, there is no need to fear! It is simply a cultural habit. In this paper, I will outline some phrases to avoid/recognize and what they mean.
[list under the cut]
Keep reading
Humans are Weird: Need for speed
( Please come see me on my new patreon and support me for early access to stories and personal story requests :D https://www.patreon.com/NiqhtLord Every bit helps)
Alien: It is so nice to meet another space faring species.
Alien: We have been alone for so long; we were starting to believe that we were the only ones out there.
Alien: Can you imagine how stupid that is?
Human: Yeah……that’d be pretty silly.
Alien: How far away is your homeworld?
Human: *Pulls out datapad and enters several keys*
Human: From our current location it would be roughly ten lightyears away.
Alien: TEN!?!?!
Alien: Our ships have barely been able to survive a journey of two lightyears.
Alien: *Looks around at the thousands of humans mingling with their people*
Alien: Do your ships normally need this many crew?
Human: Oh no.
Human: We’re a colony ship enroute to a potential habitable world.
Human: It’s still some three lightyears away but when we picked up your transmissions we diverted course to meet you.
Alien: If your destination is still so far away.
Alien: Your cryo chamber must be highly advanced to sustain themselves for such a long journey.
Human: Cryo chambers?
Alien: You know; the cold storage chambers you put your crew and passengers in.
Alien: Our most advanced ships can travel between our planets within three years.
Alien: Even our most advanced engineers dare not even consider traveling a distance of ten or more lightyears.
Alien: How many years have you been in transit?
Human: Years?
Human: We’ve been in transit for a little over a month.
Alien: …………..
Alien: Did you say a month?
Human: I guess maybe a month and, like, three days; but a month just sounds better.
Alien: If that were true, then you would have had to been traveling at roughly-
Human: Very fast, we know.
Human: Don’t ask me to do the math, it hurts my brain.
Alien: How is that even possible?
Human: At the front of our ships we developed a special matter condenser that basically functions as a sudo mini black hole.
Human: When activated the black hole begins excreting gravitational pull on the ship which pulls us like water going down a drain.
Human: Since our projected paths avoid any gravitational anomalies we essentially have a clear path forward with ever increasing speed.
Alien: You generate black holes….to make you go faster……
Human: Sudo mini black holes, to be more precise.
Alien: I ….just….. what…
Alien: At those speeds your body, let alone your entire ship would be reduced to atoms.
Human: True, but a nifty side effect of the black hole is as long as we are caught in its well outside physics become distorted.
Human: While we are in the pull it feels like nothing more than leaning forward down a steep hill.
Alien: How do you even slow down at such speeds?
Alien: The force required to halt such speeds would be equal to if not greater than.
Human: Oh we just use the same sudo mini black hole generator at the back of the ship a few lightyears out to begin deceleration.
Human: We started slowing down three lightyears from you before we altered course to come visit.
Alien: I…..I just don’t know what to say.
Alien: Such technology seems so far advanced and beyond our comprehension.
Alien: Isn’t it dangerous?
Human: Oh extremely.
Human: I can’t even begin to tell you how many ships had improperly aligned their black hole generators and were sucked inside it the moment it activated.
Human: Or when a passing comet would alter the trajectory and send the ship flying headfirst into a nearby planet creating a new asteroid belt.
Human: That’s not even mentioning the gravity disturbance waves we leave behind us.
Alien: All of those sound terrible beyond measure.
Alien: Why not find a safer means of travel?
Alien: We can share our cryo technology with you and you can make your own ark ships.
Human: That’s a very kind offer, but we have already attempted cryo sleep transit.
Alien: Was it not safer than using literal black holes?
Human: To a degree.
Alien: Meaning?
Human: While it was safer, studies showed that crew and passengers had increased risks of developing space insanity if the journey lasted longer than five years.
Human: Some adapted naturally but the many had spent their lives planetside and were not ready for the mental and physical strains of space life.
Human: They snapped and became rabid; a devolution to a more primitive nature.
Alien: So let me get this straight.
Alien: Your people travels via black hole tug of wars because if you go slowly you go insane and become rabid?
Human: Yup.
Alien: How is that even possible?
Human: Well waiting patiently went out of style after the third Karen war.
Alien: The what?
In Memoriam
Humans remember their dead. They remember their loved ones. They remember historical figures. They remember strangers. Death does not mean a human is forgotten.
. . .
Gerkun perked up as he scented the mess hall. The human crewmates were back! The three of them had taken leave and gone to earth for a human holiday. He made his way over to the table to eat with them.
“Hello, how was your trip?” he asked cheerfully.
“It was great,” Sam replied smiling.
“Long,” was Ron’s reply.
"It was nice to be home," Ethan said.
Gerkun noticed a new mark on Ethan’s arm. “Oh no, are you injured?”
Ethan looked at his arm. “Oh, no. I got a tattoo on leave.”
Gerkun had heard of humans marking themselves in such ways. He had never seen it in person. It looked like an image of an earth plant, vibrant colors and earth marking underneath.
“Why did you get this tattoo?”
“For my grandma, to honor her.”
“Ah. She must be very important on earth.”
Ethan laughed. “In the grand scheme of things? No. Unless you count winning first place in the Newcount County Fair Pie Contest for 47 years in a row as ‘very important’. I just miss her.”
Gerkun did not understand the reason for the tattoo, but he did understand being separated from clan. “Ah, yes. Distance is a hardship.”
Ethan blinked. “Um, yeah, it is. Didn’t mean to mislead you though. My grandma passed about four years ago. I got this to honor her memory.”
“Passed? Where did she go?”
“She died.”
Gerkun paused, trying to understand this new information. “So why remember her?”
Ethan jerked back. The other humans stared at Gerkun.
“Excuse me?”
“She is dead, therefore no longer important. Why-”
Gerkun cut off as Ethan yelled, stood, and tried to strike Gerkun with his chair. The only reason he did not make contact was because Ron and Sam both stopped him. Ethan continued to yell, even as he was held back.
“Don’t you ever (censored) talk about my grandma again you (censored) piece of (censored)! I will (censored) end you!”
Gerkun rapidly backed up, wanting to get away from the angry human. Ron was able to pull Ethan away and out of the mess hall.
Sam glared at Gerkun. “You’ve heard about human pack bonding, right? That doesn’t end when someone dies. Never insult a dead human, especially a family member.” She took a deep breath. “For your own safety, I suggest you avoid Ethan until… forever.”
Gerkun watched her go, stiff with fear. Yes, he would avoid Ethan. And any other human for the rest of his life.
. . .
The humans of the ship had what Kersurth thought of as ‘Human Bonding Time’. The humans called it ‘Weekly Chillout.’ Kersurth would often attend simply to listen to their stories. Humans told a lot of stories. Most were horrifying. Kersurth was addicted.
This week the humans had gathered the comfortable chairs around a table filled with snacks. They were waiting for one more person. Shortly after the unofficial start time Jessica walked into the room. She thunked a large glass bottle on the table.
“This week is the one-year anniversary of my aunt’s passing. To honor her memory, I want to tell family stories or legends. To make it extra special I am sharing my family’s moonshine with you creations.”
The five other humans made awed noises, looking at the glass bottle appreciatively. Jessica pulled out six very small glass cups, filled each other with the clear liquid from the large glass bottle and dispersed them amongst the rest of the humans. Once each human had a glass they raised the hand holding the glass, knocked them together, yelled “Cheers!” and drank the liquid in one swallow. Each human made various noises of satisfaction.
Kersurth had no idea why the humans were doing this, or what the liquid was. Humans had such strange customs.
“Thanks Jess,” Michael said. “Is this the stuff you’ve been bragging on?”
Jessica nodded. “Yeah. Secret family recipe starting from the days of Prohibition in the Appalachian Mountains, and perfected in the next few generations.”
Alanna refilled her glass and then tipped it in Jessica’s direction. “I, for one, truly apricate the bounty you have gifted us with. I was going to share the story of when the pigs got loose on the farm when my prissy aunt and cousins were visiting. But, in honor of this fine ‘shine, I’ll share the story of my great, great, great….”
Alanna paused and stared at her fingers. She used them to count as she spoke “my great, great, great, great, great grandpa.” She looked up and smiled at the rest of the group. “He was a bootlegger during Prohibition.”
Adam raised his little glass. “Here, here!”
Alana tapped her glass against his before continuing her story.
“My grandpa didn’t actually make the booze. He lived in Michigan at the time, and he was part of the team that got booze from Canada and took it to Chicago. He was on the second run. The cops were in on it, too. The ‘leggers would pay them, and in return the ‘leggers would only spend six months in jail, on rotation. So, on paper it looked like the cops were doing good work, which kept the Feds off their backs.”
Alanna added a few more stories, including the time her ancestor used his 8-year-old daughter as distraction by putting her on top of the booze on a donkey lead cart. The group was laughing by the time Alanna was done with her stories.
Kersurth had rarely seen them laugh so much. It was a little disturbing. He also understood very little of the story. He assumed he was missing a lot of historical and cultural context.
Justin smacked his glass down on the table and refilled for the fourth time. “Okay, in continuation of the alcohol and ancestors, I have a story about a great, great, something uncle of mine. He’s the reason its illegal to drive a tractor drunk in the state of Kansas.”
The following story Justin told had Michael and Alanna laughing so hard they were wheezing. Erica fell out of her chair and it took her a moment to collect herself enough to get off the floor.
Again, Kersurth did not understand the humans. They seemed to find the stories entertaining, but why bother to remember them? The ones they spoke of were long dead. Why bother to remember them?
Humans were weird.
. . .
Veertomic was very pleased to have been selected to study human social behavior. They were complex, and seemingly half the rules changed depending on the region. It was fascinating.
Today was a special day. Her sponsor, Daniel, was taking her to a memorial. She had seen memorials before, for soldiers fallen in battle, for great heroes, of people of historical significance, even cemeteries filled with small memorials to the dead humans. The great pyramids in Egypt were just elaborate tombs. For a species brimming with life they had a weird obsession with death.
Which made today so interesting. They were going to a memorial site where a ceremony was going to be held. The location was a small garden. A new plague had been erected, with a lot of names on it. A man stood and gave a small speech. A fire had happened at this location, one hundred years ago to the day. 107 people had lost their lives and 54 people were injured. They were dedicating a new plague. The man read the names of all 161 victims of the fire. Then there were 11 minutes of silence, one minute for every hour the fire burned. All in all it was a touching ceremony.
Veertomic had so many questions. She needed to be very… delicate in how she approached Daniel. He was even tempered but she found humans could be volatile over the topic of death.
“I would ask a few clarifying questions about today’s ceremony.”
Daniel raised his eyebrows. “Shoot.”
“You were not related too any of the deceased?”
“No, I’m not.”
“And you didn’t know them?”
“No, this happened waaay before I was born.”
“And you don’t know anyone who was related to any of the victims?”
“No.”
“Then… why attend?” Why are they important Veertomic does not ask, but that’s what she really wants to know.
Daniel looked somber. “Because they deserve to be remembered.”
“Why?” bursts out of her, and she cringes, hoping she didn’t make him mad.
Daniel doesn’t get mad. Instead his facial expression, body language, and tone convey ‘this is a very important human thing’ as he explained further. “Those 107 people died in a horrific was that should not happen to anyone. It was a tragedy that should be remembered. They had family, friends, hopes, dreams, ambitions. They lived and they should be remembered.”
. . .
AN: My Grandma passed in January 2020, my favorite uncle passed very unexpectedly in March 2022, and a friend passed from cancer in June 2022. My other story, Grief, delt with that. This story is more about remembering and honoring those who have passed.
The uncle from Kansas comment is from Tumblr user @patternsinnoise. Just Shower Thoughts posted about people being forgotten within three generations, and patternsinnoise replied "Tell that to my great, great uncle, who is the reason that it’s illegal to drive a tractor while drunk in the state of Kansas”.
The story about the pigs, and the bootlegger grandfather are based on actual stories from my family. My great grandma really was used a few times to throw off suspicions.
Humans are weird: Behind the curtain
( Please come see me on my new patreon and support me for early access to stories and personal story requests :D https://www.patreon.com/NiqhtLord Every bit helps)
“Welcome to Port Bristol, we hope you enjoy your stay.”
Graf twitched in pain as the loud speaker but reached for his picture capturer and snapped a few shots as he exited the docking tube and entered the station.
“You really should be wearing these.”
Graf felt a tug at his arm and turned to see his mate Griega holding out a pair of noise cancelers. “You’ve always had sensitive ears.”
“And miss all of this culture.” Graf laughed as he waved his hand around at the bustling masses of people walking to and fro. “I wouldn’t want to miss this for the world.”
“And yet every time we return home you beg me to remind you to put them in the next time we are on a station.” Grieg sighed but put away the noise cancelers all the same. She knew all too well how stubborn her mate could be when he was studying his favorite hobby of xeno civilizations; which at the moment included one of his favorites…
Humanity.
Ever since they had been discovered some sixty years ago Graf had been obsessed with them. Grieg imagined that it was their often conflicting nature that drew her mate’s attention, but perhaps it was their often friendly nature instead.
They were on their way to visit her blood cousins on Zeffer IV which required a waylay at this human run space port. A fact that had only excited Graf to no ends as he currently rattled off photo after photo at the bustling terminal.
Griega walked over to a nearby human receptionist scrolled through the data streams and they pulled up the remaining data for their flight. “Your next transfer takes place in five hours.” She said with a smile.
“What are we supposed to do for five hours?”
The receptionist pulled up a digital display map of the station for Griega. “The green section here has a large variety of shops and restaurants for you to sample from across the universe.”
While Griega was nodding that she and her mate could no doubt pass the time easily there the receptionist highlighted the neighboring sections. “The blue section is for offloading cargo and the red section for more commercial and storage usage. We recommend that travelers limit their interactions to the green section to prevent getting lost within the station.”
Griega made a mental note of this as she went back to her mate and the pair of them made their way to the green sector. —————————
Two hours had passed since then and already Griega was becoming bored. They had already walked the promenade of the green sector twice now and Graf’s bags were full with countless human trinkets. A bird that would chirp repeatedly to tell you the time, a plastic tray to freeze water into strange shapes, a pair of glasses meant to shield your eyes from the sun yet had strips removed across them. It was almost amusing how as soon as humanity thought of something they would immediately try to sell it, regardless of it had any practical functions or not.
Griega looked down at her chronotracker and saw that if they began walking back now they would only need to wait an hour at the gate before their next shuttle left. When she looked up to tell Graf as much she was surprised to see that he wasn’t there anymore.
“Graf?”
She called out but there was no response. Humans continued milling about her as Griega looked around for her mate. For a moment she felt the beginnings of panic swelling within her when the throngs around her parted for a moment and she saw him.
He was off to the side of the busy promenade talking with an unknown human. She couldn’t make out what they were but she could see the childlike expression plastered on Graf’s face. It was no doubt another merchant trying to pawn off his trinkets on what he must have seen as an easy mark and her beloved was eating it up wholesale.
As she made her way over to the two the human scribbled something on to a piece of paper and handed it to Graf. Graf took it and the two exchanged a human nod of thanks before the unknown human continued down the promenade without saying a word to Griega.
“What was that all about?” she asked as she finally reached Graf. She watched the unknown human continue down for a few stores before turning left and disappearing into one of the crowded side passages.
“The most fortunate of luck!” Graf replied giddily. “That human saw my interest in wares and told me of even greater stores to be found and they are just beyond the next few areas.”
He pulled up the paper the human had given him and saw that it was a crudely drawn map of the green section.
Something seemed off to Griega as she looked at the map and it wasn’t until she compared the distance to the grid map she had seen earlier that it finally hit her.
“My love, these directions would take us into the red sector.”
Graf looked at her confused for a moment before she realized he had not been with her when the human receptionist had explained the sectors prior.
“I was told that it would be best for us to remain here in the green section or by our gates, and to not divert further.” She finished.
Graf scoffed playfully. “They said the stores are still along the promenade that runs through there.” Griega did not seem convinced and so Graf relented to a degree. “How about this then; we shall go follow the main path there and if we do not feel comfortable we shall turn around at once, no questions asked.”
Griega considered the proposal and nodded as Graf smiled and led the way.
Despite the paper map saying it was only a few areas away the station was massive and “area” was quickly becoming a subjective term. They walked by what felt like six long city blocks following the directions. Each step felt like they were yet again entering another world as the lavish promenade of the green sector slowly gave way to less than desirable surroundings.
The lavish stores and clean streets degraded to dirty walkways and boarded up windows, once friendly and smiling passersby became more distant and unapproachable, and even the security staff who had freely given directions and assistance when asked now looked more militarized as they traveled in packs; their eyes always scanning the crowds as if seeing unknown threats.
If the temperament of the area was visible to Griega it was all but blind to Graf who still looked on with childlike wonder. He would stop every now and then to take a picture of some mundane item and act as if he had just witnessed the most beautiful aspect of life ever created.
Griega was just about to tell him that she wanted to go back when Graf stopped in the middle of the nearly empty street.
“Do you hear that?”
Griega stopped beside him and listened carefully. It didn’t take long to hear what had caught his attention.
Down one of the side passages the pair could hear a large amount of voices. Many of them cheering or shouting though of what they could not distinguish as the sheer volume made it all but unrecognizable.
Before Griega could say anything Graf was already walking down the passageway following the sound. “Hurry darling,” he said over his shoulder, “this must be one of the human celebrations I’ve heard so much about; we simply can’t miss it!”
“Graf, wait.” Griega called out but by then he was already too far down the passageway to hear her and so she quickly followed behind.
The passageway made a sharp left as the pair continued following the noise until finally arriving at their destination. A large gathering of humans stood around a wooden stage built into one of the nearby store fronts with a lone figure standing atop it. Lights panned towards it from every angle which only made the figure stand out more in their bright red uniform and strange cylinder like hat.
“As always we here at Moxxies Emporium of Wonder always love to see the crowds packed, bellies full, and wallets loaded.” The stranger on stage spoke. They must have had some sort of amplifier built into their outfit as their voice easily carried over the entire crowd as they began to cheer. Even Graf joined in and began hollering like they rest while Griega watched in uneasy silence.
She had heard of the strangeness of human entertainment, but this felt somehow different.
“Next up we have something special;” The stage announcer continued as they motioned off to the side of the stage, “a one in a kind item not seen in these parts for a long, long time.”
“I wonder what it could be?” Griega heard Graf ask out loud.
From the side of the stage the announcer had pointed to a figure slowly came forward.
No….Griega thought with horrified realization as the figured finally emerged from the shadows…..dragged on to stage.
Towering over the announcer and covered in chains, a Draxic was pulled out by three other humans all wearing the same uniform. Griega let out a gasp of horror as she saw the reptilian alien covered in scars; some visibly fresh as blood still dripped from them.
“I don’t understand…..”
Griega turned at the near whisper and saw her mate staring blankly at the stage. The look of wonder she had seen before gone and now replaced with disbelief.
“What are they doing with that Draxic?” he stammered to no one in particular, but before he could get a response the announcer spoke again.
“Standing in at 7.5 feet tall, this fine item is a walking wall of muscle and destruction you’d need a battle tank to stop…” They said with a cheerful tone.
The Draxic’s head shot round to the announcer and they made dashed forward with taloned hands outstretched. The three humans who had been holding the chains were casually cast aside like wheat in the wind as the Draxic let out a blood curdling roar.
Griega could see the bloodlust in the Draxic’s eyes and knew they were going to murder the announcer when the human pulled out a small box and pressed a bright red button on it. No sooner had they pressed it did the roar of the mighty alien warrior get cut off like a cat choking on air before collapsing to the stage.
Taloned hands clawed at the thick metal collar choking their neck but they could do no more than scratch it as the alien spasmed in pain. The announcer looked back at the crowd with a smile that could turn suns cold.
“Or a quick press from a pain collar.” They said as the crowd laughed and the three handlers took up their chains once more.
“You’ll need to keep a close eye on this one for sure, but as you can see he’s revving for some bloodletting! A perfect contender for a prize fighter in any number of death pit establishments.”
As the crowd cheered Griega and Graf could do nothing but look on. It was as if their bodies and minds had simply shut down from the debased cruelty put on display before them as if it was some form of carnival ride for children.
What made it worse was how calm and enthusiastic the humans in the crowd seemed as this space faring sentient species was treated like nothing more than cattle. Yet the worst was still to come.
“Shall we start our bidding at one million credits?” the announcer shouted as he began pacing up and down the stage.
“One five!” Griega heard someone shout from the crowd.
“One eight!” another shouted off to the opposite side as a hand rose up to signify the voice’s owner.
“I hear one eight, do I hear two million?” the announcer declared. Another hand from the crowd rose up with the reply “Two three!”
“Three million!”
“Three nine!”
“Four two!”
“Seven million!”
Like wildfire the crowd began shouting out larger and larger sums of money while the Draxic hung from his chains like a puppet.
She looked at Graf who appeared even worse than she did. He had dropped everything he had collected from earlier and now cradled his head with his arms. His mouth moved but no words came outl his eyes darting back and forth as the announcer gave another press of the pain collar activator causing the Draxic to roar in agenizing pain which only further enflamed the morbid bidding war before them.
Griega clutched her mates arm. “We need to leave.” She said as she eyes the way they had come. When he did not move she dug her fingers into his arm forcing pain upon him so that he would focus. “We need to leave now.” She said again more forcefully this time.
He didn’t resist and the two of them quickly fled back down the passage they had entered from to the main promenade. Behind them they could hear the bidding growing and the roars of the Draxic in pain as they continued sprinting with as much speed as they could.
No sooner had they reached the promenade that they ran headfirst into a squad of security staff.
“Watch it!” The lead officer shouted as they pushed Griega away.
“Oh thank the makers!” Griega exclaimed as she saw the security team. “You must come quickly!”
The look of annoyance softened slightly on the security officers face as he noticed how shaken she was.
“Something the matter?” they asked as the other two officers behind him kept their eyes focused on the few passersby.
“Down there.” Graf stammered as his wits returned to him. “There’s something horrible going on down there.” He turned and pointed back the way they had just fled. The lead security officer leaned to the side to see past Graf back down the passageway.
“They had a Draxic in chains and they were…they were…” Griega found she could not even describe the horror she had witnessed.
Looking down at Griega the lead officer looked over his shoulder and nodded to the two officers behind him. Each one reached to their belt and pulled out a shock stick and activated it with a flick of their hands sending shards of electricity dancing along its length.
“You two make your way back to the green section; we’ll take it from here.” The lead officer said as they pulled out their own shock stick and ignited it.
“But-“ Griega said but was silenced with a gesture from the officer.
“We’re trained for this miss and you’ll only get in our way.” They said calmly. “Just go back to the green sector; we can find you there later if we need more information.”
With that said the trio of officers began marching back down the passageway; the roaring crowd still audible even from here.
Griega let out a sigh of relief and went to hold on to Graf. “It will be alright dear.” She said softly to him. He was still in a state of shock but her touch seemed to comfort him as he grasped her arm and held it tightly. “They’ll go arrest those bad humans and free the Draxic from their binds.”
“Free’m? Ha!”
Griega turned to see another human sitting cross legged by the side of the promenade. Their clothes were worn and torn while their hands appeared clutching on to a half finished bottle of alcoholic beverage.
“They’z not going to set them free.” The strange human said as they took a swig from their bottle.
“What do you mean?” Griega demanded. “They just said they were going to take care of it.”
The human spit out large spittle of liquor and laughed at her statement. “Oh they’ll be taken care of al’right.” The human said, “They’re going to get some shocks for doing that so close to the main walkways.”
“What?”
Griega could not believe her ears but the strange human continued.
“Yeah, they usually hold da auction in a warehouse further in, but they got kicked out last week when a shipment of crab flakers came in and filled it up.”
They took another swig and giggled to themselves. “Old blue boies told them not to do it so close to da main walkies or they’d get trouble; bribe or no.”
“They….were bribed…” Graf spoke softly, “to look…away?”
The human nodded roughly. “Ten thousand credits a piece to find something else to do, an twenty thous if they get called in by a report to cover it up’ts.”
They smiled up at Griega and Graf with a grin missing several teeth. “Yo’z just got dem a nice pay day!” they said cheerfully before slumping over.
Griega said nothing, nor did Graf as the pair eventually walked away from the red sector. The events they had witnessed and the horrible realization that those in charge were not only fully aware of it but were complicit in it had driven the words from them.
It was only when they reached the edge of the green sector that Graf finally said something.
“Do you still have those noise cancelers?”
Griega looked at him in confusion but soon understood. The smile he once had was gone and the light of wonder from his eyes was drained beyond recognition.
She pulled out the devices and gently handed them to him.
“Thank you.” He said as he applied them and set them to max.
This culture was one he would now happily wish to never hear from again.
“It’s weird.”
“What’s weird ?“
“Humans have a closer relationship with the dead than they do with the living.”
“Elaborate on that.”
“Well did you ever notice how they honour their deceased?
“…”
“ They decorate the remains of the being and then put it in a wooden box. That wooden box they then proceed to put in a small stone monument with some identification of the human. Sometimes they burn them instead. It varies from culture to culture. After that they repeatedly visit the remains and … how should I vocalise that… relive the memories they shared with that being ?“
“ But doesn’t that destroy the natural cycle of returning minerals into the soil ?“
“ It does. It also damages their emotional sensors yet they still do it.
“ Huh.“
“ But it’s not just about the weird boxing ritual. It’s about the process altogether. Humans give much more value to death than they do to life.”
“Can you give an example ?“
“Plenty. Their soldiers, their authors. Even their friends. While alive they do indeed get acknowledged. But when they die that acknowledgment doubles, even triples in size. It seems humans are blind to most of their possessions and are only able to see them after their loss.
“ That is quite bizarre. But if I can give you a word of advice - do not get too close to human psychology. A lot of minds were lost that way. “
“ …..I will accost your concern.”
Specification is Important
Something seems fishy about the omelets the crew made for Human Steve and Human James
. . .
“Human Steve! Human James! We wanted to share in your culture on this very important day of Cheese Appreciation, so we made you both an omelet for breakfast!”
Both humans paused in the doorway of the mess hall, blinking at their crewmates. It took a moment for the words to register in their tired brains. Steve’s brain clicked first and he grinned brightly. James said a pleased thank you a second later.
(Steve was always a little faster walking up in the morning, he said it was because he drank coffee, which was obviously the superior beverage, James said it was because of his stupid American energy, and that good tea should be savored in the morning- they had yet to come to any form of agreement)
“I’d love to try it!” Steve said, walking over to the table.
“How did you guys find ingredients for omelets?” James asked as he followed Steve.
“It was not too difficult, the last port had all we needed.”
“The most difficult part was figuring out what recipe to use.”
“There were so many!”
Steve laughed. “Yeah, people have wildly different tastes.”
The men sat down and looked at their plates. The omelets looked a little different. Maybe they didn’t use a yoke? Or it was some weird powdered egg stuff?
James decided to let Steve take the first bite. He was more discerning than Steve when it came to food. Steve called him picky. James called him a garbage disposal.
Steve took a bite and immediately regretted it. He forced himself to chew and swallow. James was silently laughing at him, he just knew it. He hoped the others couldn’t read the tension in his body language.
“Wow! That certainly was creative! What, um, what did you put in it?”
The crew brightened and they started speaking over each other.
“Onions!”
“Munster cheese!”
“Bell peppers.”
“Cheddar cheese.”
“Black pepper.”
Salmon eggs.”
“Mushrooms!”
“Salt.”
Steve’s mind blanked at salmon eggs. James was shaking. He just knew the Brit was trying not to laugh, the bastard.
“Salmon… eggs?”
“Only the best for our human crew!”
“The recipe said eggs, so we researched earth eggs-”
“- and discovered that caviar is a delicacy-”
“-and got salmon eggs because they make the best caviar!”
The four looked very pleased with themselves and the care they had given to researching earth cuisine. Steve smiled weakly. James’ face was getting red. One of the more observant members picked up that something was wrong.
“Is there a problem with the omelets?”
Steve began to sweat. He didn’t want to lie, but he also didn’t want to make them feel bad. “Omelets are usually made with… chicken eggs.”
“Chickens?”
“But those creatures are filthy!”
James lost it, howling with laughter. Steve kicked his chair out from under him. James wheezed as he hit the floor, but kept cackling. Steve ignored him.
“Yeah, chickens. Um, I guess none of the recipes specified that?”
The heartbroken looks were answer enough. Steve felt really bad.
“Its okay though! I promise! We’ll still eat the eggs!”
James stopped laughing. Steve smirked.
(both of them ate all their omelet, though the crew couldn’t figure out why Human James was so grumpy at Human Steve for the next week)
. . .
AN: This was inspired by a tumblr post about people trying to make concrete the way Romans did, but it didn’t work, because the Romans used sea water, not fresh water, but all the Romans knew ‘water’ meant ‘sea water’ and never bothered to specify. Someone else pointed out that all our recipes say ‘egg’ and not ‘chicken egg’ and someone else said in the future people crying while eating scrambled fish eggs. Thus, this story was born.