Humans Are Strange - Tumblr Posts

Good Neighbors

The Rogerians couldn’t have come at a better time. The planet was at its breaking point, resources were running out, and the environment was in complete collapse. But worst of all, humans had completely abandoned each other. That is, till the rest of the neighborhood came to check on them.

They came in strange, elongated ships, round in the center with great big fins on the sides. The hovered right above the major cities of the world, menacing at first. We didn’t know who or what they were, everyone thinking it was the end, apocalypse bingo finally catching up with us. Then something odd happened. News stations, streaming platforms, various unofficial ’hellsites’ all saying someone or something was trying to broadcast the same thing at the same time, all over the world. So the human race checked their phones as they always do.

It was a bit blurry, kinda static-ish around the edges, but very clearly there was an octopus(?) waving at the human race from their screens. Eight suckered limbs, a large bulbous head, wrapped in some red suit filled with bubbling liquid to let the creature breathe(?)

With one limb it was waving, like it was trying to get our attention, and with three others it was holding a tablet looking device that read, in several languages, “hello neighbors!”

Apparently the Rogerians (humans can’t pronounce their real species name so we improvised after making sure it was okay) had been intercepting our broadcasts for decades and had decided to do the neighborly thing and come make sure we were okay. At first, because we’re not that naive, we didn’t believe them, because who would make the trek out here for no other reason than being nice?

Weeks passed, turned to months, and when all the friendly squid like people did was talk to us and give advice (and a little technology, cuz some stuff was super wrecked) we said to ourselves “yeah, okay, we can do this, they’re friendly, we made friends with octopi from outer space”

We still have some trust issues to work out, humans are weird and stubborn like that, but the neighborhood seems friendly and we’re working on it

Aliens finally show up but they’re super neighborly, always offering the equivalent to a cup of space sugar or something. We don’t really get it, we’re looking for anyway it could be a trap, but no, they’re just super nice and friendly. Even better is they are very clearly not humanoid and still super sweet, like friendly squid people

So here’s a thought, what if aliens don’t get that we have like 9 different names depending on where we are? Like I get called stuff like Honey at home, my name at work, my last name with my friends, a different version of my first name at my usual hangout spots, or just nicknames depending on where I am or who I’m with?

Like humans respond to a ridiculous number of things, my friend at work just changed her name to October after being called [redacted] and now I call her Spooky cuz friend, that’d drive anyone nuts cuz we don’t make sense

This is genius

Love the Hippocratic Oath part

Humanity has finally reached the stars and found out why no one had contacted us. The universe is in a sad state. As such, Doctors without Borders, Red Cross, and many othe charities go intergalactic.

Aliens would be weirded out by fiction or fantasy

So I KNOW this one has been done, but it bears repeating cuz the idea of it is HILARIOUS.

We wanna write/draw a fictional world, we just sit there starring at screens or a blank sheet of paper for HOURS vividly hallucinating intricate and complex universes that have never happened before and usually couldn’t happen in reality, with laws of physics that follow no known law in our existence. Imagine a species that’d didn’t really get it, say they’re more practical and less inclined to whimsy, a real no nonsense type of aliens.

Alien: human what are you doing?

Human: I’m thinking

Alien: about what?

Human: how a dragon could hoard so much gold it fills a mountain

Alien: …is that a normal occurrence on your world?

Human: what? No, I’m writing short stories for November. It’s a fictional creature, they don’t exist on earth. Think those big reptilian things on Trigor 7 and you’d be close tho, except they have wings and breath fire

Alien: that is inherently worse, I would not like to think about that at all ever again. Why would you want to inflict such a terrible idea of another sentient entity?

Human: I mean…mostly for fun

Alien: …deathworlders *shakes head and sighs*

We finally did it. We slipped the surly bonds of Earth to step among the stars. It took over two decades of research, billions of dollars of taxpayers money, and almost every country on the planet working in tandem, but after the International Space Coalition was founded it was almost effortless.

Faster than Light travel was accomplished almost on accident. Just the right ratios of radioactive material and an ‘ever so slight’ gravitational anomaly generator was all it took. To keep the population safe from any possible drawbacks, the first launch of the FTL drive, or Warp, was conducted at Tranquility Base on the moon. Either that was minimum safe distance or there wasn’t any, so it was decided to just roll the dice. The Angel was built there, the ship that would go further than any before it. The drive was set for Alpha Centauri, the big red button was pressed, and off they went, 300 crew members, going faster than anyone else in the history of mankind.

After 4 months, 319 ‘people’ came back. The extra 19 individuals wore special thermal suits to keep their body temperatures stable, and each had scaled skin with varying hues of greens and grays, with elongated prehensile tails. Their eyes were almost solid black, save for some red around the edges. Their hands were like a chameleon’s with only 3 fingers each. If it hadn’t been for a heads up from the Angel’s captain, the first words out of the welcoming party mouth would’ve been “they’re lizards!” Honestly the only thing they had in common with us was that they were bipedal.

Apparently the people of the ‘Alpha System’ as we called it, the Quintins, were just as surprised to see us as we were them. 2 ambassadors, 7 scientists, 10 military escorts, and a partridge in a pear tree came with them back to Earth. They just had to see it, after hearing stories of home from the crew aboard The Angel. They had to see how a world so full of dangers, from predators to the sheer deadly climates, could have allowed such a species as humans to exist let alone thrive and advance far enough to get off the ground.

The surprises didn’t stop there either, as if finding out WE ARE NOT ALONE wasn’t a big enough shock to the human race. The Quintins weren’t the only species out there, they were in fact only one people in a collective, a Grand Assembly of Intelligent Lifeforms (it sounded longer in Quin tongue but they brought auto translators) or The GAIL, and the Human race was immediately eligible for probational membership. Developing the WARP capabilities was what sealed it. Faster than Light travel was the first prerequisite for joining the GAIL. The second was a planetary inspection, and since the Quintins were our first contact, who better? It was time to meet the neighbors for the human race.

That was 50 years ago. Now the Human Race were full fledged members of The GAIL, and the International Space Coalition was renamed into simply the Terran Academy, putting out graduates of every field imaginable. We had an entire fleet of WARP enabled ships, spreading human explorers into the depths of space.

The only problem these days were the rumors. 50 years of interaction with alien species had made one thing clear to the rest of the universe at large:

Their planet is completely unstable

Their bodies are unimaginably fragile while simultaneously unbreakable

They claim not to have a hive mind but nobody believes that for a second

They seem to ‘pack bond’ outside their own species

They’ll eat anything (maybe even you)

The Humans make no sense

THE HUMANS ARE DEATHWORLDERS!

AND HERE THEY COME!

(This will be an account of various humans and their travels through the known universe. Earth, also known as E24, is a terrifying deathworld. This should be fun)

Liz, Biotechician

Part 1

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Sir, with all due respect, this is horseshit.”

Elizabeth Collins stood in front of the giant desk, usually manned by the entirety of the Admiralty, now barely a sixth taken up by one man, Admiral Townes, who just sighed. This was clearly not how he wanted to spend his afternoon. He could be golfing with the Riltayon ambassador, their species had the lower half of arachnids, but no, he got picked for this.

“You knew going in that the Herald was set to be decommissioned at the end of this year, you knew it would be a short posting when you asked for it,” he said, bracing himself. This was gonna be rough. Ensign Liz was infamous for being…vocal.

“Sir, that’s not the issue here and you know it. I worked my ass off to get that posting. I got to cut my teeth on a heavy cruiser for god’s sake,” Liz said, flushed. “My grades at the academy were flawless, and my record shows-”

“Your record?! Let’s talk about your record for a moment.” A few taps on the table and a holoscreen appeared. Through the transparency Liz could see her file photo as well as lines of shifting texts as updates and memos filed in. “Your first week aboard you locked a supervising officer in a containment field and sedated him with gas.”

“The guy had a zeno-sporic infection, so I only really gassed the mushrooms. Plus I cured him.”

“A month later you stole a shuttle and jumped to restricted space to collect samples of…” a few scrolls down, “…why does this just say glowing rocks?”

“Because the proper noun for them isn’t pronounceable by humans, we don’t have beaks, sir.”

“Why’d you need glowing rocks?” Townes asked.

“Because the rocks were radioactive, and one of the Zilgrats we had on board at the time needed an interesting blend of chemotherapy, it’s actually really cool when…”

“Enough, ensign.” Admiral Townes cut her off, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Elizabeth…Liz. Clearly, you are your father’s kid. You are brilliant, and fearless.”

“Thank you, sir, I know dad would be happy to hear you say that.”

“I wasn’t finished. You’re also completely irresponsible, have zero regard for protocol or regulations, and think you’re always right. I’m reading that word for word from your file, your last captain made it the first thing you read in there.” Townes clicked off the hologram and sighed.

“Look, Liz, I’m not saying this as an admiral right now. I’m saying this as your uncle. Your dad, my brother, made me promise to watch out for you when he left the service, so that’s all I’m trying to do here.”

Liz took a beat before speaking.

“I understand that, sir.”

“Your new assignment has already been certified by the admiralty, and you ship out from Tranquility in two days on board the Noah.”

Liz, in the middle of rolling her eyes, actually did a double take. “The Noah? That test ship for interspecies cooperation?” That might actually change things, an opportunity to examine different species up close for extended periods of time was a goldmine of research for her.

“You need to know though, this is your last shot. Every rules, every regulation, to the letter, or I can’t help you anymore, regardless of what I promised your dad.”

Liz didn’t stop to think too hard about it.

“Deal.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In the 50 years since the Human race had joined the GAIL, or the Grand Assembly of Intelligent Lifeforms, it had undergone several extreme and extraordinary changes. The first being the level of technology. In the early 21st century we got to experience communication and information technology progress by leaps and bounds, and that was managed just by ourselves. The addition of alien technology added rocket fuel to that particular bonfire. Our understanding of biological and technological sciences shot forward by centuries, as well as transportation, namely space flight. Our first interplanetary guests, the lizard like Quintins, shared their forcefield and artificial gravity specs to make interstellar travel safer for us as well.

They were, however, initially horrified at our ‘rudimentary’ first designs. There were a lot of questions like ‘you use explosives as initial propellant?’ and ‘you shot into space at faster than light speeds without any shield array?’ In retrospect, the human race should not have gotten as far as it did. But there we were, members of a collective 200 species strong, setting out into the stars to explore the universe.

Ensign Liz Collins was thinking about such things as she walked the gangway aboard the Noah, a midsized exploratory ship, the first in a new line of experimental expedition vessel. The experiment was two fold. The first, and more practical, was to test a new propulsion system the science and engineering division of the GAIL had submitted. In theory it was capable or long sustainable WARP time with a significantly higher energy efficiency compared to older models, as well as a new power core make up to keep the ship running longer between docking. Supposedly the Noah would be capable of going at least a year without a recharge.

The second, more dubious aspect of the experiment was to see how many different species handled being in close proximity to one another. The Noah’s full crew compliment numbered exactly 100, and of the 200 races in the GAIL, 25 volunteered to put 4 members each of their species on board. Meaning Liz would only see 3 other humans for potentially the next year of her life.

How exciting, she thought. Finally a chance to study what the Galaxy has to offer up close and personal.

The cast off ceremony was boring. The captain, she believed he was a member of the Mergal species, was the only reason she didn’t try to sneak out. It appeared he had a cybernetic limb above the second insect set on his abdomen, which was interesting. Definitely more interesting than the other three humans she saw in the crew line up.

Afterwards she finally made it to the science division and booked it to biotech. The lab was state of the art, next gen super computers, stasis field generators, even a gene splicer!

“Oh hell yes,” Liz said, taking it all in. “Yeah, I can make this work.”

The only thing that stood out to her, however, was the potted plant in the corner. It was about 5 foot tall, standing in a square aluminum ‘pot’, the only thing in the room that wasn’t made of metal or ceramic. Upon closer inspection, it was more like a small tree or sapling, where its vines had wrapped around one another to grow up instead of hang down, with a lush leafy canopy.

“Why is there a tree in my lab?” Liz said, mostly to herself, but apparently the tree had an answer for her.

“Because this is my lab as well.”

Liz was so startled she thought the translator would fall out of her ear.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry, I didn’t know there were any Sprygans on the crew!” Liz dropped her stuff onto the counter and approached the tree, who she now recognized as her crewmate. “I’m, uhh, Ensign Elizabeth Collins. You can call me Liz, if you like.” She held out her hand, unsure of even how they’d shake. As she stood there, the tree pulled itself out of the pot and onto the floor, dragging soil and dirt with it as its roots retracted into its body. Outside the pot the Sprygan only stood about 3 1/2 feet tall.

“Why is your…hand(?) out?” It asked. Liz’s translator registered two questions asked, and she realized the Sprygan wasn’t sure what a hand was.

“Oh, sorry,” she said, dropping her arm, “it’s how my people greet each other. Sorry.”

Great. First new species she’s gotten to meet and she’s acting the fool. Chocking it up to nerves, she tried to get back on track.

“What should I call you?” She asked. “Any pronouns I should be aware of?”

Liz watched as a vine extended from their body and reached out to grab a photo bar and switch it on. The bar lit up with synthetic star light and Liz realized the Sprygan was eating.

“You can call me whatever is convenient for you. On Spryga only the colonies have names, and I am not there right now.”

Liz was simultaneously baffled, intrigued, and mortified. She knew this, she knew all of this, this was practically social studies 101. She had to get her footing here. Townes voice in her head was disappointedly saying ‘Last chance’ over and over again. Change of topic then.

“Why’d your people volunteer for this mission then? I thought Sprygans didn’t leave their home world for anything.”

The Sprygan looked at her a moment, or at least she thought it did. Hard to tell when it didn’t have eyes.

“We came to see how predator species behave, so as better to surpass(?) them on our home world.”

The word ‘surpass’ flagged an error in her translator. Liz tapped the earpiece she was wearing and went to the alternative translation.

[Survive]

Oh. Oh god damnit. Liz you idiot. The Sprygans were a plant based race, they weren’t hunter or gatherers, they were basically the vegetables to other species on their home planet, of course they had predators they’d have problems with.

“Yeah, uhh, that makes sense.”

Before she could make any other off handed mistakes, Liz was quite literally saved by the bell.

“Attention all hands, this is your captain speaking. The start of our year long mission begins now. You all know the purpose of this ship is to test not only our mettle, but our spirits as well. Every species, every crewmate aboard this ship is going to be tested in ways they never have before, to the utmost limits. Help each other. Stand with each other. Because together, we’re going as far as our connections can take us. Everyone, to your stations. We’re going to WARP.”

The announcement clicked off. The Sprygan climbed back into their pot. Liz sat down at her station and sighed.

It was gonna be a long year.

Aliens would be scared to death of Earth cryptids

Like full blown panic attacks

Because you humans are the dominant species on your planet what the fuck do you mean there’s mystery creatures on your planet that even you can’t understand???

Like imagine explaining Bigfoot or Mothman to someone who was totally unaware of them.

Alien: that’s it, we’re done, we’re going to nuke the earth from orbit. This is not allowed

Danny, Security Chief

Part 1

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“You know, the GAIL asked specifically for a Human security officer for this position. Yours was the first name on the list.”

Admiral Townes had said those exact words to him not 48 hours earlier, and here he was, in a rocket ship filled to the brim with races from 25 different species with different needs and different temperaments. Danny knew this was gonna take up a lot of his time.

Daniel Ducane, or Danny if you were a drinking buddy, liked it when things were quiet. He’d only really joined the service because of his family, both his mom and granddad had done it, and Danny genuinely did enjoy the feeling of helping people. God knows why he said yes to this posting though, an ‘experiment’ to push people to their breaking points. People usually either broke before then or they didn’t. Usually the former, and since the mission was a year long this time, Danny expected he’d get busy sooner or later. Apparently ‘keeping the peace’ aboard the Noah was such a high priority they’d even given him a commander rank the second he took the job. Weird.

Right now Danny was on his way to the Captain’s office for a briefing. Making his way down the halls of the ship, he took note of the many different species aboard. Several of them noticed him as well, some going so far as to stand at attention while he walked by. Danny even noticed how some of the crew took note of him. He wasn’t deaf to the rumors circulating about humans, about how we evolved on a deathworld practically designed to eradicate anything that wasn’t the best of the best. Humans had somehow conquered every other creature on their planet without any natural armor or weapons, by being these strange pursuit predators, apparently just too stubborn to give up the ghost.

When asked, Danny conceded that sure, Earth is kinda rough around the edges compared to other planets, but it was pretty quiet there these days. He liked that. His last posting had been on a security detail at the Doun embassy on earth, and he’d been asked a thousand times how he’d survived in the hellish landscape that had been ‘Arizona’. The Doun homeworld had an exceptionally long rotation period so most of it was frozen a majority of the time, a cool -4 on a hot day. He’d told anyone who asked “you just wear some sunscreen and short pants, you’ll be fine.” The idea of short pants was unheard of on Doun. They didn’t ask a lot of questions after that.

The door to the captain’s office hissed open, and Danny stepped in.

“Sir, security chief Ducane reporting for briefing.” Danny stood at attention, the only thing out of place being the black ball cap he always wore. It clashed with his gray uniform but he didn’t care too much about that. The hat wasn’t negotiable.

Captain Nadh, a Mergal man, stood up to meet him. The Mergal were insectoid, with two main limbs at what would be his shoulders if he were human, and a set of sub arms tucked into his abdomen. His left main arm was missing, replaced with a chrome prosthetic. His legs bent backwards like a grasshopper’s, and his body was sectioned into three different parts like an ant’s. The Mergal standard uniform was a two piece wrap, one around the neck with his rank proudly shown, and another like a skirt or kilt around his waist.

“At ease. Good to meet you, Ducane. My name is Captain *sssccchhht* [Proper Noun: Pronounced; Skitch] You came highly recommended from your last CO, so I’m hoping your brought the same level of commitment to the Noah.”

“Aye aye sir.” The Captain’s base language was a bit hard to understand to human ears, what with the lack of lips in favor of a set of short mandibles, so the translation was a beat slower than normal. Danny didn’t mind too much.

“Allow me to be honest, Chief Ducane. I specifically asked for a human security chief on this mission. I know your people have only been part of the GAIL for a few decades, but human exploits are known across almost every system by now.”

The corner of Danny’s mouth twitched up, and he had to stifle a laugh.

“You hired me…because I’m a Deathworlder, sir?” Danny asked. Skitch laughed, a low pitched chittering sound.

“Takes one to know one Ducane. I’m Mergal, everything at home wants to eat me, the plants, the animals, other Mergal.” Skitch laughed again.

“I wanted a human. I hired you because your record, your training, and your personality profile all tell me you’d be the best fit. You’d have full control over your team, train them how you’d like, outfit them with the best gear we have available, I think you’d be very happy here.”

Danny took a beat, then smiled. “Happy to keep things quiet for you sir.”

“Very good. Dismissed.”

Danny turned back to the door.

“Oh, Ducane, before you go. I got your clearance for your…requested gear and personal kit. I’ll trust you, until proven otherwise, but are you certain the equipment you requested is necessary?”

“You were honest with me, boss, so I’ll be honest with you. I like it when things are quiet. But I’d be an idiot if I wasn’t ready for things to go loud.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Danny put his feet up on his new desk and let his head rest back against the chair. He hadn’t brought a lot of stuff on board, so ‘decorating’ his office hadn’t taken that long. Two photos, one of his parents and siblings with himself, the other of him with the other members in his old unit back in his army days.

Two family photos, he thought to himself, and smiled.

He’d already squared away his duffel and his foot locker in his quarters, so all that was left to do was meet his new team. He’d seen the 3 other humans that’d be on the Noah with him, but none of them were on the security force, so that meant the 10 other crew were all going to be non human.

2 teams of 5, he thought. That way one team can get some sleep while there’s still half on duty at all times.

Danny had never really considered himself a leader before, but never really a follower either. He’d always just been part of the pack, watching someone’s six while someone else watched his. It was going to be different leading the pack this time. But hey, Rangers lead the way, right?

This is gonna be fun, Danny thought as his team came through the doors.

“Everyone fall in! We got work to do.”

We think since humans figured out stuff like shoes, phones, and stop lights we’re actually something super special on our planet but we’re basically just anxiety riddled monkeys.

Worse, even. At least the monkeys figured out you don’t have to pay taxes if you just keep your mouth shut.

Thomas, Engineer

Part 1

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Watching Tranquility Base drift away as the Noah launched on its maiden voyage from Earth’s moon left Thomas Hibbs with an odd feeling of deja vu. He’d worked on dozens of ships, but always in the engineering decks where the only windows were peering into the mechanical arrays. Peering out into the void of space was…actually pretty damn cool in Thomas’s opinion.

I wonder if this thing has a VR Grid, he thought.

In the 50 years since humanity had joined the GAIL, it hadn’t been all space hoppers and life saving medical breakthroughs, the entertainment industry had made huge jumps in realism and simulated realities. One species in particular, the machine people known as the Padrino, had such a realistic virtual reality environment code that practically every other species in the assembly paid top dollar for a copy of it. Thought most used it for information storage and practical exploits, Humans were the first to turn it into a hyper advanced game simulation. The Padrino weren’t exactly pleased to learn the code they used to store their memories and experiences was being used to fight monsters with supernatural powers at weekend game tournaments on Earth, but they didn’t complain that much. Thomas had the idea to upload a compatible version of an old game called PAC-MAN where you’re your own avatar running the mazes into the ships computers. He couldn’t wait to get that high score again.

The engineering deck was right below the science labs, and Thomas saw one of the 3 other humans on board with him. He thought her name was Liz or something, but didn’t stop to say hi. She looked preoccupied with something, and talking to people was hard. Machines were good listeners. Thomas could talk for hours to machines while he worked, even if they weren’t the kind that could talk back, thought this ship did have those. Maybe here he could meet some people who get him.

The engineering deck was all catwalks and overhead piping, service lights and ventilation ducts. Computer terminals threw blue light against the opposite wall as Thomas made his way to the Engineer ‘locker’ room. Thomas figured that’s what it was, given the cubbies for the crew’s personal items and racks and shelves of tools and equipment for the ‘fixers’ to use.

There were about two dozen people moving around the room, none of them human, several of which were non biological as well. 2 Padrino were there, speaking their machine language while they sorted tools across a long workbench against the far wall. There were several other species as well that Thomas didn’t recognize, lots of different shapes and sizes. He felt a little insecure, being just the basic human he was.

Thomas found his name on the cubby wall and stuff his own tool bag in there, as well as a change of clothes and safety gear. Then he very carefully hid a hand held game pad under his spare jumpsuit, for emergencies. He’d been stuck in an air duct once before for hours twiddling his thumbs. Never again.

Just as he finished stuffing away his gear, something small bumped against his boot. He looked down, and saw a small robot waiting patiently for him to lift his foot. Apparently he’d been trailing confetti from the launch ceremony around the ship the whole time because these droids weren’t supposed to be down here in engineering. It had probably been following him since he’d walked in. The little guy had a cylinder torso, no real neck but his head looked like it turned in circles with two tiny exhaust pipes sticking out the top. Two ‘eyes’, or sensors with aesthetics, were all that made up the face. His little feet reminded Thomas of a chicken’s, and he had two little arms with tiny hands on each.

“Oh my god you’re so cute I love you,” Thomas half squealed as he picked the little robot up like a baby. “Have you been following me this whole time? Doing such a good job, keeping the ship clean. Did you get lost? Do you need help?”

The little machine just looked at him and wiggled its legs, probably the gyroscope trying to compensate for the sudden shift in balance.

One of the other engineers laughed.

“It’s just a service drone, it can’t actually understand you. It probably just followed your trail of waste and its sensors can’t get it back to the upper decks anymore.”

Thomas looked up from the tiny robot to see a fair number of his co workers looking at him, some trying to hide smiles, some not bothering being so polite. He felt his face begin to burn as a blush came to his cheeks and surged down his neck.

Oh my god I can’t believe I did that but it’s so freaking cute how can I not how can they not love it maybe there’s more on the ship this cute, his brain might implode at the rate it was going. The service drone continued to wiggle in his grip. To Thomas it was almost the size of a toy, maybe a solid 4 inches tall. It stopped squirming and looked up at his face, its tiny head whirring and clicking as gears shifted inside its chassis. It reached out one of its tiny hands and poked his thumb.

“Beep.”

“Beep.”

“Beep.”

Thomas’s mouth dropped. How could a machine with no higher functioning AI be this adorable?

“I’m gonna call you Roomba.”

“That’s just its service alarm. It’s processing an inability to perform its tasks so it thinks it’s stuck somewhere, ergo it’s alerting other drones to come assist it. It probably thinks you’re rectifying the obstacle.”

There were some snickers, a few openly laughed, but Thomas couldn’t care about them right now. The little droid was so adorable in Thomas’s eyes it was like looking at puppies.

He did, however, notice the 2 Padrino staring at him, motionless. For a moment he worried he’d maybe offended them by gushing over the little toy like robot. One of them approached. The Padrino had a clearly mechanical body with chrome plating encasing its joints and limbs. Its torso was thin but solid, whirring quietly as it walked over. Its head had a single antenna with a tinted face plate, which Thomas figured just was it’s ‘face’.

“It has been observed that Humans form an emotional bond to many different species and objects. Is this what is occurring, Human Thomas?”

Gauging the inflections of their voice was difficult, they didn’t have any kind of body language and the voice itself was entirely synthesized, adding layers of difficulty. Thomas thought for a moment, then just shrugged.

“I didn’t mean to cause a scene in here, I just got excited. It’s small and kinda cute so I just lost control for a moment.”

“Apologizing is unnecessary. We’d simply like to understand how Humans function to better improve the efficiency of this division.”

“Beep.”

The service drone wiggled in his hand again.

“It appears the small droid is out of range of its directive. It is asking for assistance with a new objective to replace its task queue.”

“Wait, you can understand it?”

“Yes, the alert sound is not a language. It’s sending out a very short range signal burst with information embedded in it, which I can receive with internal sensors. It’s AI is crude and simple, but it does have the basic functionality to form an artificial language. You’ve replaced its designation D7 with the name Roomba.”

Thomas looked from the Padrino to the little droid and back again.

“Does it like the name?”

“Beep.”

“It says it is a sufficient new designation and is awaiting a new task queue.”

“Oh good, I’m not good at naming stuff so I was worried-”

“Since the ship has launched, the service drones have gone inactive due to safety features. Since this one, new designation Roomba, was here on the engineering deck, it was outside the proximity of the ship’s AI core transmissions. It has exhausted its task queue and requests a new one.”

“Beep.”

“It is repeating the request.”

“Yeah, yes, got that, thank you. Okay, and I can just give it something to do?”

“That is correct.”

“Beep.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Roomba, can you hand me another bolt please?”

“Beep.”

[Primary task in the queue has not been completed: obtain high score]

“I know buddy, but you can pause it with that little button on the side there. I need that bolt real quick.”

Roomba looked where Thomas was pointing on the game pad. The pad itself was bigger than the drone, by a good half inch, so it was like Roomba was standing on a flat screen built into the floor, or playing one of those retro dance machine games from way back.

“Beep.”

[Acknowledged]

The Padrino had been kind enough to give Thomas’s ear piece translator an quick upgrade, so now he was able to receive Roomba’s signal burst data and understand what he was ‘saying’. They’d even given Roomba’s AI a little tune up so he could understand more complex tasks and ideas. Roomba had disconnected from the ship’s core code when he’d gone to the engineering deck so Thomas figured it’d be fine, the little guy could hang out with him now.

It took Roomba’s whole hand to get the game pad to register the pressed button and pause PAC-MAN, which was cute. And what was even cuter was the bolt Thomas needed was half the little robots size so it struggled just a little to bring it over the few feet to him.

“Good job buddy, thank you,” Thomas said, grinning.

“Beep.”

[Acknowledged. Returning to primary task]

“You do that. Good luck Roomba.”

At the time, the only thing the Padrino had asked for in return for their help and upgrades was the chance to observe biological lifeforms and their tendencies to ‘bond’ with others. The Padrino were a sort of hive mind it seemed, each unit being just an interface with the main AI back on their home planet. When units were out of range of communication with the home office, the main AI base code was copied into the machines and split off to collect information. When they got home, they dumped the data into the main computers and integrated back into the main AI core.

Thomas thought they were the coolest people he’d ever met. He’d said ‘sure, observe all you want, I just wanna thank you guys for your help.’

The game pad trilled, a little tune to congratulate moving up a level.

“Beep.”

[Update: progress has been made. Continuing primary task: obtain high score]

“Good work Roomba. You keep at it buddy, you’ll get there.”

From down the hall the 2 Padrino watched the strange little robot ‘playing video games’ next to the human doing an actually productive task.

“More data must be collected. The human, a deathworlder, has bonded to the drone.”

“We will continue to observe.”

“Agreed.”

I thought it said Bungee Gum and automatically, I thought “Bungee Gum has the properties of both rubber and gum.”

How would we even explain Bungee jumping to aliens

An alien desires to 'court' another alien, of the race called humans. The human is desirable in every way: talented in multiple skills, professional and domestic, with soft, squishy flesh and an eagerness to learn - the alien could go on and on, but people complain when the alien talks about their 'crush', as other humans call it

The problem is, the alien's species relies on scents and pheromones for communication. Their first meeting with the human was during a crisis, and their natural scent was strong, sweat mixing with that fabled human instinct to survive with all members of their extended pack alive, too. No other human smelled quite like this one. It sent the alien's hearts a-flutter, and shivers through their many wings.

But now? The human smells different, and not in a normal human way. One week, citrus and palm fruits from the black jungles of the planet Cerib. Another week, exotic vanilla from their origin planet, with something warm and spicy the alien can't place. Lavender and honey from Blackcurrant bees. Something juicy like apples. Something this, something that, and they're all beautiful scents - but it's not the human's scent, and they can't really smell their emotions through it. Frustrating.

One day, the alien sulks, watching their desired one rush past, tablet in hand. They smell like sweetened coffee and chocolate - the latter a romantic treat to humans, and a reminder of how far they are from that romance to the alien. The human next to them breathes in the scent, and smiles.

"Man, (name's) got some great perfume on today," they say.

The alien lifts their head. "Perfume?"

A little research later, and things suddenly make sense. They'd heard about perfume before, the human wasn't the only one to wear scents, but they'd been so lovelorn they hadn't used their brain. But that wasn't important. What mattered was that humans used perfume and similar products to draw in desired partners.

Two can play at that game.

Three days later, the alien walks in to their normal location. To their surprise, the human their hearts are set on rushes towards them, calling their name.

"I'm so sorry!" They apologize. They aren't wearing any scents today. "I didn't realize my perfume might be messing with your senses. I've switched it out with another type that you'll find easier to deal with. I was just trying to..."

They trail off. The alien waits, hopeful. A new scent spikes from the human.

"Is that... Cinnamon?"

"With a little bit of Ophelion flower, and Soljoiner lemon," the alien says, smiling like the humans do. "I got inspired by your choices."

A hesitation. "Do you like it?"

The human breathes in deep. From them, now the alien can sense what they've wanted. Interest.

"You smell amazing," the human says. The glow in their eyes as they look at the alien, well, the alien adds that to their list of all the reasons they want the human as a partner.

"Are you sure you know what you're getting into?" Another alien says later, at the communal garden. "Humans are hardcore."

The alien looks across the way to the human of their hearts. They are smiling, they smell a bit like the alien now, from their hug.

"For that one? It's worth it."

Human Guide Page 3:

Tip No. 12: If the human is calm then it is likely everyone and everything work out just fine, especially if you have more than one human aboard.

But if the human is panicking, then that is a double-red alert situation and you better check how many escape pods you have.

An Assembly had been made. A single human representative had been requested to answer a distress call regarding their specie’s nature. Many creatures gathered to watch and register every single moment of such encounter, curious, not knowing how destructive said encounter would be for the very understanding of human nature.

The Assembly’s caller quickly arrived, showing holograms around. Then, she asked:

“Where is it?”

“Where is what?”

“This”, she responded, pointing to an hologram. “This place you humans call ‘Heaven’. Where is it?”

“Heaven?”

“Precisely”.

The human went silent for a second. They looked at the bigger alien, floating, and stared at her eyes. “Heaven isn’t a physical place. It’s… A belief some humans have”.

“I know how your human religions work. All I want is to know if there’s any indication of a physical place for it”.

“Heaven cannot be entered through this… Plane of existence. There isn’t a portal, or an area you take to access it”.

“Then how do you go to it after death?”

“We don’t ‘go to it’. Those who believe it might enter it, if they were good while alive”.

She wasn’t understanding. She shook her head, lifted herself up, pointed at the holograms, all of her findings, showed the human the images and the notes she had so carefully put together. “What do you mean?”

“Some humans believe they will go to a good place – Heaven – if, during life, they are good people. Kind, compassionate, always trying their best. Otherwise, they will go to a bad place – Hell”.

“No, no! What do you mean you don’t know how to go in there?”

“We know exactly how – by death”.

“You got it all wrong! There’s a moment in which you stop, in which you change. After this change you go somewhere else! How do you find that place?! Where is it?!”

“Are you talking about death?!”

“Death, termination, the end, who cares about your fancy names?! You change! You…”

“We don’t ‘change’, we die!”

“You change! Y-you change, your physical manifestations cease function, but what is after it?! How do you go to that place, how does it work?!”

“We don’t change, we die! It’s the end of our lives, our existence! We don’t actually know, scientifically, how does it work post-death! Some religions speculate of an afterlife, of a place where our souls go to, but that’s religion, it’s a belief, not something concrete!”

“What do you mean you don’t know?!”

The human flinched. The alien, with a trembling form more equal to water than something of flesh and bones, wept as she threw holograms and books around, pointing at the evidence, the feelings becoming too much.

“I-I don’t know!”, the humans responded. “Everything just stops!”

“Your minds, your beings, everything just stops existing?! Y-you can’t be real! I’ve seen it, I’ve felt it!”

She pointed at the human.

“You are all liars! You don’t want us to know about your changes! You don’t want us to know anything! I’ve felt it, I’ve seen your forms become one within the Other Planes as your bodies stopped moving for your deathworld to consume! The physical became bones and dust as your souls ascended!”

“W-what do you mean?!”

“You ascend! Your conscience, your mind, it all changes! A-and all I want is to know where and how to get to it! She isn’t following me anymore, she isn’t here and she hasn’t come back ever since that change! I do not care about what you humans want in exchange for this information, I will do everything to provide what you want! Just– please, I need to know where Verônica went!”

The room grew quiet. The intelligent species eyed each other as the human representative widened their eyes.

“I’m sorry”, they whispered. “Your friend is dead. She… She will not come back”.

“Liar. I know stories of yours, where the death came back, where your minds ‘haunted’ the ones who are ‘alive’. I know about your books, about your interviews and conversations with them! They do come back!”

“It’s not scientifically proven. These books can all be false”.

“You are a liar”, the alien growled. “I saw Verônica go. I saw her body change and release her. I saw it prepare itself for the change. It grew old. It slowly stopped working as before, it grew wrinkles, it grew pale hair, it grew to be beautiful and then it grew to release her”.

The human looked at an hologram, reading a small paragraph of text, informing themselves of a crucial detail before they sighed.

“Verônica died of old age, didn’t she?”

“That’s what our human colleagues called it”.

“Your species…”

“We do not grow old and fragile. We keep on existing until the end of it all”.

“I see”.

“We have been together for more than seventy years. I am sure she would want to stay with me, even with all of this time. Y-you humans have a reputation for being heartbreakers, but her love was genuine. She never left me. She refused to, many times. I’m sure… I’m sure she wouldn’t leave me this time”.

“I know”, the human agreed. “I’m sorry. I don’t think she can come back, even if she wanted to”.

The alien wept as the human hugged her, the water-like body shaping itself and becoming red and purple and green with pain for never experiencing such grief before. She cried, and she screamed, and she raged against human nature.

The Human Manual had to be updated shortly after.

Thinking about a ship getting an absolute bully for their first human. The kind of human that knows most aliens are afraid of ‘death worlders’, the kind of human that knows where the line is and how far they can go before they get into trouble, and who they can intimidate to let them cross the line as they want.

Part of the crew is like “I knew humans were just as bad as I thought.” Human doesn’t care. Human represents the worst of humanity, but they’re necessary for the ship - they make themselves necessary, and are not afraid to put the rest of the crew at risk if their authority seems challenged.

And then, they get a new human, who is smaller than the first. The first human tries their usual tactics - and the second human breaks their nose. If they were on the ship itself, there’d be consequences, and the first human knows it. But the second human is not afraid to be labeled a troublemaker, and cause trouble for the first, they do. A fierce competition blooms between them, as the second human clearly attempts to muscle in on the first’s territory, despite everyone warning them not to. And as this goes on, the second human befriends the rest of the crew. They’re different than the first. They are kind, they are smart, they are loyal.

They are a death worlder.

During a shipment of endangered animals from another planet, the first human is mauled by the adults. The second human is injured trying to protect them, but to no avail, the first human is killed. Analysis revealed the first human was sprayed with a kind of pheromone that agitates the species - but there was no reason for the pheromone to have been released by the species. Something else is going on, and the captain know it. The second human, despite the clear trauma, accepts the interview.

After the interview ends, the captain turns off the official recording.

“Off the record,” they ask, “what really happened?”

The human swallows, closes their dark eyes.

“They were trying to steal the eggs,” they said. “I saw them - I heard them on a black line with a darkspace distributer.”

“Why didn’t you report it?”

“Not enough time. And I… I had a feeling they’d done it before.”

The captain waits. The human’s closed eyes water.

“You sprayed the pheromone on them,” the captain says.

The human nodded. “They were so busy with the eggs, they didn’t even notice.”

“But,” the captain says, “You tried to save them after.”

The human’s shoulders shake. “I did.” They sob. “I did. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, but I did it. I did it for all of you. I did it for us.”

The human cries.

No charges are filed. The crew would mutiny if their friend were charged with anything, though the captain finds some way to ease the moral strain on both their hands and the second human’s. Another human is brought on board to help with the strain of the first human’s loss. Thy are bright-eyed, clever fingered, sharp-witted, soft-hearted. It takes time to for the wounds caused by the first human - described as a bully by the humans, also ‘a real asshole!’ by the newest recruit - but now that they are gone, they can all recover, and move on.

The moral here? Humans are not always good, but they should never, ever be underestimated - when they claim a pack, they will protect it even from their own kind.

Alien then realizes "Wait...humans also feed family and friends. Jim ensures I don't skip meals. Am I...family?"

"Am I family?"

Jim looked across the table and smiled as he passed a few more rashers of bacon over to Chix.

"We've served together for over eight years. You're the godfather of my son."

Jim's toddler, Charlie, sat on the floor playing a simple game of trying to grab Chix's tail as its tip wriggled back and forth.

"You helped Akiko get to the med bay when she went into labour."

Akiko was in the kitchenette area of the quarters, pouring herself another cup of coffee, "I think you were more scared than I was," she laughed to herself.

Chix almost shuddered at the memory. Egg-laying was so much more civilised. There were fewer fluids involved.

If Jim noticed Chix's discomfort, he said nothing. "You've saved my life, at least half a dozen times, I gave you an open invitation to come over to breakfast every morning, last year we went a whole parsec off-course to get you back home in time to see your oldest hatchling get married."

Chix nodded, "screw the company and its schedules," he muttered under his breath. It had been Jim's mantra during the entire trip.

Jim shook his head, that same smile still on his face. "And you only ask now, NOW, after all that, if you're family?"

Akiko joined them at the table, giving her husband a little kiss on the cheek as she sat down, "Chix," she said with all seriousness, "you were family the day you came aboard."

Chix almost felt like crying. Though that might have been because Charlie had finally caught his tail. The little one had a strong grip.

When Aliens Capture Humans

This is my addition to the Humans are Space Orcs concept, its probably been done before but, this is my version

So despite the odds your troops managed to capture several humans and you need to place them in a holding facility till hostilities have ended, here are a few handy do’s and don'ts for dealing with confined humans.  Remember all stories about a human’s capacity for violence are true and all stories about their capacity for compassion are equally true, and until they effectively demonstrate otherwise, assume your humans are capable of both.

Do:  Seize and familiarize yourself with any escape/prison break related entertainment your humans had in their possession at time of capture

DO Not:  Dismiss any of it simply because the humans claim it is “Comedy”

Do: Monitor them at all times.

Do Not: Believe them when they claim to understand that you can’t tunnel out of an asteroid.   Even if they are not lying, boredom causing them to do terrifying things.

Do: Keep the humans together, segregate them from the other species as much as possible, they will still attempt various ill advised escape attempts and other disruptive behaviors, but, if done right this will trigger their deeply ingrained tribal instincts, making them less willing to interact with the other species

Do: Keep particularly competent or charismatic humans grouped together as much as possible.  This will allow their frequently contradictory personalities to clash, focusing their destructive energies inward.

Do Not:  Allow humans to socialize with your own personnel.

Do Not: Allow the humans to participate in work details or perform tasks that you would normally give to model prisoners.  If their legendarily low tolerance to boredom begins to manifest just throw more exercise equipment and mind-rotting entertainment at them.

Do: If the human arrived with some sort of small annoying creature, let them keep it, if they somehow found such a creature after being confined let them keep it. Concern for the creature’s safety will often keep them inline better than other threats.  

Do Not: Actually harm the creature.

Do Not: Allow other prisoners to harm the creature.

The human is smaller than average for a human.

They must be weak.

The human is socially quiet and withdrawn.

They must be weak.

So why do I feel so afraid when the human looks at me like that?

An alien desires to 'court' another alien, of the race called humans. The human is desirable in every way: talented in multiple skills, professional and domestic, with soft, squishy flesh and an eagerness to learn - the alien could go on and on, but people complain when the alien talks about their 'crush', as other humans call it

The problem is, the alien's species relies on scents and pheromones for communication. Their first meeting with the human was during a crisis, and their natural scent was strong, sweat mixing with that fabled human instinct to survive with all members of their extended pack alive, too. No other human smelled quite like this one. It sent the alien's hearts a-flutter, and shivers through their many wings.

But now? The human smells different, and not in a normal human way. One week, citrus and palm fruits from the black jungles of the planet Cerib. Another week, exotic vanilla from their origin planet, with something warm and spicy the alien can't place. Lavender and honey from Blackcurrant bees. Something juicy like apples. Something this, something that, and they're all beautiful scents - but it's not the human's scent, and they can't really smell their emotions through it. Frustrating.

One day, the alien sulks, watching their desired one rush past, tablet in hand. They smell like sweetened coffee and chocolate - the latter a romantic treat to humans, and a reminder of how far they are from that romance to the alien. The human next to them breathes in the scent, and smiles.

"Man, (name's) got some great perfume on today," they say.

The alien lifts their head. "Perfume?"

A little research later, and things suddenly make sense. They'd heard about perfume before, the human wasn't the only one to wear scents, but they'd been so lovelorn they hadn't used their brain. But that wasn't important. What mattered was that humans used perfume and similar products to draw in desired partners.

Two can play at that game.

Three days later, the alien walks in to their normal location. To their surprise, the human their hearts are set on rushes towards them, calling their name.

"I'm so sorry!" They apologize. They aren't wearing any scents today. "I didn't realize my perfume might be messing with your senses. I've switched it out with another type that you'll find easier to deal with. I was just trying to..."

They trail off. The alien waits, hopeful. A new scent spikes from the human.

"Is that... Cinnamon?"

"With a little bit of Ophelion flower, and Soljoiner lemon," the alien says, smiling like the humans do. "I got inspired by your choices."

A hesitation. "Do you like it?"

The human breathes in deep. From them, now the alien can sense what they've wanted. Interest.

"You smell amazing," the human says. The glow in their eyes as they look at the alien, well, the alien adds that to their list of all the reasons they want the human as a partner.

"Are you sure you know what you're getting into?" Another alien says later, at the communal garden. "Humans are hardcore."

The alien looks across the way to the human of their hearts. They are smiling, they smell a bit like the alien now, from their hug.

"For that one? It's worth it."

Alien:... I'm sorry, what?

Human: oh yeah, appareny it really did happen. That's how we developed our datings I think, by determining how long ago since Christ died.

Alien: YOU CRUCIFIED A GOD?!

Human: woah, not me personally! This happened centuries ago. He could not have picked a worse time to come.

Alien: YOUR SPECIES KILLED A GOD! HOW ARE YOU NOT ALARMED?!

Human: Oh! It's all good. He says all is forgiven as long as we're nice to each other, and we follow his rules.