How Many Ways To Say

How Many Ways To Say

How many ways

Can there possibly be

To tell you how I feel

Again and again?

I’m running out of words

Someone wind me up again

I’m so tired, I’m so tired

Of looking at the pages

That are my sole escape

My mind is buzzing

With things I wish I had the courage to say.

And I’m still wondering now

How many ways

Can there possibly be

To say how I’m not normal?

How many times

Must I scream

I am not a daughter

Before I’m finally told

That nobody wants to hear it?

Stop lying to me

Stop telling me you understand

Because I’m so tired

Of this body

And the way it’s winding down

I’m running out of words

Someone please tell me 

How many ways

Can there possibly be

To tell you I’m not ok?

And now you’ve scared me

Now I’m silenced

And yet you think it’s fine

I’m not ok, I’m not alright!

Someone tell me that’s ok

Someone tell me I’m not a freak

Even if I don’t believe

How many ways

Can there possibly be

To say I’m so damn tired?

I am nothing, I am nothing

I am not your daughter

I’ve never been but now I wonder

How many ways

Can there possibly be

For you to say

You don’t care?

Cause I’m running out of air

And I’m running out of words

Someone wind me up again

How many ways

Are there to say

That I am not your daughter?

The Way I've Learned To Live

The way I’ve learned to live

Isn’t what I ever expected

When I was little and the world

Still held all the beauty I had needed.

I’ve learned about myself

In ways I hadn’t ever guessed

Were even possible for me.

The way I’ve learned to live

Is preservation above all

Keep my sanity and my life

My heart and my soul.

But oh, I’m losing it

I’m losing this careful hold

Every time I bite back words

I know I need to say.

The way I’ve learned to live

Is to stay silent when others think

That I am like them, because safety is in numbers

My hands are bleeding from the painful grip I have

The only thing suspending me

From falling down and down.

The way I’ve learned to live

Is preservation above all

Keep my heart and my soul

My sanity and this life

But oh, someone help

I can feel myself slipping

And now I tumble

Down and down

The way I’ve learned to live

Is the way I’ve learned to die

Someone help, someone help

But oh, I’m losing it.

I shake

Awake

And cannot sleep.

I try

But why

Can’t I count sheep?

My heart burns with distant agony

And the truth is all too clear:

I’m burning all alone again

And no one holds me dear.

I want to roar this dragons’ flame out of my chest

I want to breathe in peace

I want my skin to cool again

Will this pain ever cease?

In this din

With the might of ten

My strength billows like a sail

But all alone

An unearthed stone

My heart feels deathly frail.

My blood a deadly poison

Like a fire in the night

Is burning up my insides

And sets my mind alight.

I long so very dreadfully

For rest and for some peace

Unfortunately to achieve this end

I may have to be deceased.

A terrible conclusion

My heart cannot allow

But while I live,

What I wouldn’t give

For cool hands to soothe my brow.

Lil angst poem :)

And I Am?

“And who might you be?” Well, I’m many things And yet I’m too scared To tell you any of them Too scared to tell you My names that are true Too worried to claim I know who I am So I’ll tell you now Another lie Because what’s one more When I’m drowning in them? “I am ------” But it feels so foul to say It feels like a lie Because that’s all it is. “I’m this and I’m that” But none of it is true And I can’t breathe Someone help But I don’t know how And I am A liar And a coward And someone who is scared I am foolish I am weak I am someone who is scared I shouldn’t feel this way But I do, I do, And I don’t know what to say When you say the name I picked out so carefully Like a slur Like a curse Someone give me a chance Let me explain how I feel Just to be refused again. And I am Someone who is alive But sometimes I don’t know What to say or how to act Because I am not the norm And the norm will kill me In a day or a year The outcome’s the same Suffocation or a blaze Who really cares? And I am Someone who is scared And I know it is without reason And yet I don’t know this But I do. And I am Someone who is confused And who can’t form these words To tell you what it felt like To hear you say my name Like I am a slur and a failure A sinner and a liar.