The Way I've Learned To Live

The Way I've Learned To Live

The way I’ve learned to live

Isn’t what I ever expected

When I was little and the world

Still held all the beauty I had needed.

I’ve learned about myself

In ways I hadn’t ever guessed

Were even possible for me.

The way I’ve learned to live

Is preservation above all

Keep my sanity and my life

My heart and my soul.

But oh, I’m losing it

I’m losing this careful hold

Every time I bite back words

I know I need to say.

The way I’ve learned to live

Is to stay silent when others think

That I am like them, because safety is in numbers

My hands are bleeding from the painful grip I have

The only thing suspending me

From falling down and down.

The way I’ve learned to live

Is preservation above all

Keep my heart and my soul

My sanity and this life

But oh, someone help

I can feel myself slipping

And now I tumble

Down and down

The way I’ve learned to live

Is the way I’ve learned to die

Someone help, someone help

But oh, I’m losing it.

How Many Ways To Say

How many ways

Can there possibly be

To tell you how I feel

Again and again?

I’m running out of words

Someone wind me up again

I’m so tired, I’m so tired

Of looking at the pages

That are my sole escape

My mind is buzzing

With things I wish I had the courage to say.

And I’m still wondering now

How many ways

Can there possibly be

To say how I’m not normal?

How many times

Must I scream

I am not a daughter

Before I’m finally told

That nobody wants to hear it?

Stop lying to me

Stop telling me you understand

Because I’m so tired

Of this body

And the way it’s winding down

I’m running out of words

Someone please tell me 

How many ways

Can there possibly be

To tell you I’m not ok?

And now you’ve scared me

Now I’m silenced

And yet you think it’s fine

I’m not ok, I’m not alright!

Someone tell me that’s ok

Someone tell me I’m not a freak

Even if I don’t believe

How many ways

Can there possibly be

To say I’m so damn tired?

I am nothing, I am nothing

I am not your daughter

I’ve never been but now I wonder

How many ways

Can there possibly be

For you to say

You don’t care?

Cause I’m running out of air

And I’m running out of words

Someone wind me up again

How many ways

Are there to say

That I am not your daughter?

I'd Rather

I’d rather be a lot of things

Than myself

On nights like these.

I wish I were someone new

Someone I’ve never seen

Someone who can tell me I’m alright and

There’s nothing wrong

With me.

I’d rather be a mindless beast

Than see humanity again

And I’d rather not wake up

Than face myself again.

I’m scared of myself

And the person I’ll be

And I’d rather be a lot of things

Than myself

On lonely nights like this.

I wish I could just say

How very tired I am

But I’m wrong and I know it

I’m ruined and I know it

Please let me speak

But you won’t

And I know it.

I’d rather do a lot of things

Than try again for you

I’m so tired

I’d rather cry

Than tell you how this feels

I’d rather be ashamed

Than fail again

I’d rather, I’d rather

But that doesn’t change

I’m still myself

On nights like these.

A painful light

A burning fire

Heart alight

With one desire

I burn for you

Like a funeral pyre.

Can you be

what I require,

Or shall we dance

Till I expire?