Suffocation - Tumblr Posts
The pain never ceases.
They say my condition is characterized
By infinite ups and downs,
But I have been going downhill
Forever more;
For when the depression hits I am static,
Drowned by my own despair,
Incapable of resisting the current
That violently pulls me lower and lower,
And when the mania hits
I am trapped in quicksand,
Uncontrollably thrashing and flailing
As I am pulled under.
What I never get to do is breathe -
Feel the fresh air fill my lungs -
I am suffocating just by existing at all,
And always they tell me
That life will turn around,
And yet it's been almost 30 years
With no change in direction.
Staying alive is getting harder by the day.
Having the faith that life is worth living
Is impossible
For the likes of me.
For if the days fail to feel brighter,
And the abyss seems endless
And devoid of an exit,
What could possibly be the point?
I eat my food that tastes like garbage,
I wash my skin, which feels like shit.
An endless cycle and yet somehow,
I am lower every day.
I listen to my music that no longer sounds good.
I watch the TV series just to have some noise.
But no amount of pretending will normalize me -
No amount of pretending will make me alive.
No amount of pretending will give life any flavour...
None,
At all.
Oh SNAP @jumper-zuzu
I've done this one but idk if I've made you read it yet.
...got it. Please keep in mind this is just a snippet of a chapter I wrote a long time ago for the digipocalypse story. I scanned it for basic editing/formatting errors but it's 5:30 in the morning and I can't be fucked lol.
CW: attempted rape, assault, violence.
"Naomi, get up," a loud voice demanded. A hand grabbed her by the left shoulder and shook hard, trying to wake her and pull her up to a sitting position at the same time; it ached horribly.
"Ow-what are you doing that hurts," Naomi mumbled as she came to. She tried to shrug the hand away; its grip tightened. A face suddenly appeared before her. She gasped sharply and jumped.
"What the hell is wrong with you? It's me!" The voice growled. It was Lukas.
"I-I'm sorry, you just startled me, and you're hurting me. Let go!" She tried to grasp the back of his hand with her right and pull it away; it didn't budge.
"Where the hell have you been? I heard you got back hours ago." His voice was quiet. The underlying malice frightened her even more.
"We did, I-I mean, well yeah, we did, I went to the Medbox to drop off supplies and get my arm patched up afte-ah!"
A swift blow to the face cut her off. A backhand to her right cheek, the gaudy class ring he always wore dug into her skin. Her head snapped to the side. The strike overwhelmed her and tears filled her eyes. Her breath caught as he pushed his face into hers, noses nearly touching.
"You're really gonna sit there and lie to me?" He asked coolly.
It was then she felt his breath on her face...smelled his breath on her face...old tobacco and paint thinner.
"You're drunk..." she whispered through hitched gasps.
"Maybe I wouldn't have to drink if you'd just COME HOME WHEN YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO," Lukas roared. He stood up, yanking Naomi by the shoulder to the floor.
Naomi shrieked in pain, scrambled to put her feet beneath her but was disoriented by pain and darkness. Light flashed fitfully through the small skylight in the room.
'The door...get to the door.....' she thought as she tried to crawl toward it.
"Ohhhohohohoho," Lukas laughed. The sound of it made Naomi's blood run cold. "Where do you think you're going?"
Her right ankle was crushed to the ground under the sole of a booted foot. She screamed again.
Another flash of light came from the overhead window brighter this time, and over the sound of her own crying and Lukas' heavy breathing she heard a low rumble.
"Three days, Little Bird," Lukas murmured menacingly.
Naomi shuddered in terror at the sound of her father's pet name for her in the mouth of her ex.
"Three days you've been off with another man thinking I wouldn't figure it out. Are you really that STUPID?!" The last word boomed from his mouth louder than the approaching thunder. He stood full-weight on her ankle for a brief second as he took a step forward.
"That's not what happened!" Naomi cried. "We went to find supplies for the camp! That's it! And even if I did find someone else. You haven't been my boyfriend for almost a year! You're paranoid! Tanner was right! You're-"
Her sentence was suddenly stifled by a sweaty, clammy palm across her nose and mouth, her slender 5'6" frame dwarfed and pinned by 300 lbs of athlete-turned-alcoholic bulk on top of her.
"SHUT UP!!" Lukas bellowed. He panted heavily. His eyes seemed bloodshot and took on a beast-like quality. His lips curled back, teeth gnashing together with rage. An inhuman roar erupted from his mouth.
Naomi squeezed her eyes shut. He seemed to shout for hours. She tried to look around for something-anything to fend Lukas off with. His hand on her face limited movement. Her arms flailed about the floor, grasping, searching for anything. Her fingernails clinked against glass.
She felt the neck of a glass bottle, grasped it in a shaky hand as Lukas leaned down to her ear.
"If I can't have you..." he whispered. He removed his hand from her face and Naomi let out a strangled sob. His thick forearm slid against her throat, pressure just beginning to cut off her airway. His free hand fiddled with his belt.
"...then I'll just have to take you." He paused as he struggled to push his pants down with one hand. Naomi took the momentary distraction to swing the glass bottle as hard as she could at Lukas' head.
The half-full bottle 'THUNKED' square on the side of his head. The blow stunned him just enough that he rolled sideways off of Naomi. Naomi scrambled to her feet. Lukas' careless hands flailed about trying to grab her but she swung wildly behind her with the bottle, connecting again with something hard. Once the grasping hands fell away from her she dropped the bottle, which shattered, and bolted out the door.
Injury Prompt #1115
Hit with glass bottle
“Your ghost suffocates me
when any thought of you fills my head
because mazes of memories appear
like the overflowing bath water
of an electrocuted pessimist
that soaks and drips
into the poor dweller’s kitchen below.
It suffocates just as the steeped smell
of charred limbs and vivacity
clings to the corporeal world
of the next unfortunate tenant
who’s locked into a lifelong contract.”
-EL
°•♡ just want my hands and legs to be tied up and to be suffocated with a cunt until I'm barely conscious. Please? Anyone? I won't get sloppy and if I stop you can give my ass a few slaps until it's red for you♡•°
°•♡ can we 69 and when i’m cumming i use your cunt as a muffler and sloppily lick you up and cry from overstimulation while you hold my thighs down so i can’t get up and force me to get dumber between your thighs knowing nothing besides licking and sucking your cunt till you pull me up so i can taste myself on your mouth ♡•°
I need a girl-friend who listens to:
1. Pastel Ghost
2. Crystal Castles
3. Static Dress
4. Loathe
5. Hail the Sun
I’m tired of speaking to (men)tally ill retards.
If I almost choke to death because the teenage boys at my high school are wearing too much axe, is that considered assault with a deadly weapon?
Is it appropriate to retaliate by swinging an axe at their throats?
Disclaimer: I do not own anything!
Peter was stalked by Aldrich Killian for weeks before the man decided to enact his plans. He had failed to take Tony down all those years ago, and he wouldn’t be making that mistake again. He strikes while the boy is on another field trip with his AcaDec team. He took them hostage on live television and sent a message to Tony as he grabbed a stunned Peter and locked a collar around his throat. Peter had tried to fight back, but had been stopped by Killian’s fire. His arms now sported multiple burn marks, and his powers were shut off by the collar. Tony must get his kid back before it is too late.
This is the link to my Whumptober 2021 series. These are NOT canon compliant.
Disclaimer: I own nothing except for my plots!
I’m sorry if I missed any trigger warning tags.
Prompt Number 23, 29, 18, & 21 are together in one fic that I would consider NSFWhump. It is part ten of the series. It is the only mature rated work in this series.
Part One - Prompts Used:
No.1 - All Trussed Up & Still Nowhere to Go; No. 4 - Trust Fall; “You have to let go.” | Barbed Wire | Bound | “Do You Trust Me?” | taken hostage | pushed
https://archiveofourown.org/works/33670642
Summary:
Peter was stalked by Aldrich Killian for weeks before the man decided to enact his plans. He had failed to take Tony down all those years ago, and he wouldn’t be making that mistake again. He strikes while the boy is on another field trip with his AcaDec team. He took them hostage on live television and sent a message to Tony as he grabbed a stunned Peter and locked a collar around his neck. Peter had tried to fight back, but had been stopped by Killian’s fire. His arms now sported multiple burn marks, and his powers were shut off by the collar. Tony must get his kid back before it is too late.
Part Two - Prompts Used:
No. 2 - Talking Is Overrated; No. 6 - Touch and Go; No. 7 - My Spidey-Sense Is Tingling; Helplessness | numbness | blindness | Bruises | Touch Starved | Hunger | Garrotte | choking | gagged
https://archiveofourown.org/works/33688816
Summary:
Peter Parker was extremely worried when a band of terrorists attacked his school. They didn’t even seem to be organized, but before he could do anything, the room filled up with knockout gas and he watched as his classmates struggled to keep consciousness. He eventually succumbed to its effects. When he woke up, he was trapped in a cell and his spider sense was going crazy, but that wasn’t the worst part. He was trapped in a cell with most of his fourth period class and a few other students, which included both Ned and MJ.
Part Three - Prompts Used:
No. 3 - Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones But....; No. 5 - I’ve Got Red In My Ledger; Betrayal | misunderstanding | Broken Nose | Taunting | insults | “Who did this to you?”
https://archiveofourown.org/works/33850492
Summary:
Peter thought that he and Ned would be best friends forever, but that all changed once Ned hit him in the face so hard, he broke his nose. Ned had betrayed him for some mysterious reason, and Peter was confused. Things get so much worse once the Green Goblin joins the party.
Part Four - Prompts Used:
No. 8 - Coughing Up A Lung; No. 9 - Rumors of My Death Have Been Greatly Exaggerated; Presumed dead | (blind) rage | tears | Pneumothorax | exotic illness | “Definitely Just A Cold”
https://archiveofourown.org/works/33872227
Summary:
May dies from a mysterious illness and Peter is quarantined. Little did they know that it would turn out to be an illness that was thought to have been eradicated many years ago with the help of Hank McCoy. Peter gets sick, and Tony must call McCoy for help. They could only hope that they would synthesize a cure in time to help Peter.
Part Five - Prompts Used:
No. 10 - Oops, I Did It Again; No. 11 - Just Keep Swimming; No. 12 - It’ll Be Fun, They Said; Adrift | drowning | dehydration | Hospital | flare up | ice chips | Torture | made to watch | begging
No. 13 - That’s Gonna Leave A Mark; Torture | begging | Burns
No. 27 - “I’m Fine, I Prom...”; No. 28 - It’s Not Just In Your Head; Alt. No. 7; Alt. No. 11; Near Death Experience | Screaming | Passing Out | Vertigo | Collapse Good. You’re Finally awake. | Nightmares | Panic | "This is gonna suck." | Cauterization
No. 30 - Digging Your Grave; Alt. No. 1 - Losing Control; Major Character Death | Left For Dead | Ghosts | Losing Control
https://archiveofourown.org/works/34238209?view_full_work=true
Summary:
Peter Parker is initially targeted as a means to ensure cooperation by Tony Stark. This eventually spurs into something different, and the spider is caught by someone much worse than his original kidnapper. Peter's a very popular target when it comes to kidnapping, and somehow, Tony Stark must find a way to get his kid back after multiple subsequent kidnappings.
Part Six - Prompts Used:
No. 14 - Under Pressure; No. 16 - On A Need To Know Basis; Recovery | scars | aftermath | Crush injuries | beaten | force
https://archiveofourown.org/works/34318048
Summary:
Thaddeus Ross goes after Tony because he won't surrender the location of the Rogue Avengers. Tony hides that Ross is trying to get him on charges of treason because he may be hiding the Rogue's location, but things become intense when Ross takes things into his own hands by sending agents into into Tony's home, arrests him, and kidnaps Peter at the same time. The avengers must band together to save the two before Ross kills them.
Part Seven - Prompts Used:
No. 15 - Feed A Cold, Starve A Fever; No. 20 - Lost & Found; No. 26 - You Will Go Down With This Ship; Trunk | trapped underwater | solitary confinement | Delirium | fever Dreams | bees | Fallen | waterfall | trap door
https://archiveofourown.org/works/34456936
Summary:
Pepper, Tony, Peter, Morgan, and May go out for a nice family dinner, but then disaster strikes. The owner of the restaurant tranquilized them. When they wake up, Tony panics as he realizes that both of his kids are missing. His kids had been taken by an unknown suspect, and he was terrified.
Part Eight - Prompts Used:
No. 17 - Field Care 101; No. 21 - That’s Where The Blood’s Supposed To Be; Bleeding through the bandages | pressure | blood matted hair | “Please don’t move!” | Hemorrhage | dread
https://archiveofourown.org/works/34570147
Summary:
Peter and May are in a dangerous situation when the store they go to gets robbed. Things go bad, and the Punisher was in the area because of a target. His target happened to be one of the robbers of the store, and he felt the need to help Peter and May after things went awry.
Part Nine - Prompts Used:
No.19 - Just A Scratch; No 22. - They Made Me Do It; Bitten | Bleeding | Stabbing | Cursed | Demon | Obsession
https://archiveofourown.org/works/34591030
Summary:
Morgan Stark was playing outside of the lake house when she was suddenly bit by a glowing red spider. She thought that she had been poked by a thorn from the flower she picked by her jungle gym, and the wound was examined, but none of them even thought that it could have been a spider bite. There had been no sign of a bite mark or even any blood on her finger where she felt the sting. None of them had any clue about what would happen after she fell asleep that night.
Part Ten - Prompts Used:
No. 23 - You Break It, You Buy It; No. 29 - All Work and No Play; No. 18 - The Doctor Is In; No. 24 - One Down, Two to Go; “Now smile for the camera.” | Doctor’s visit | CPR | “You’re still not dead?” | too weak to move | overworked | Auction | Ransom | Pursuit | Self - induced injuries to escape | flashback | revenge
https://archiveofourown.org/works/34709146
Summary:
Tony and Peter are kidnapped from a charity gala when a human trafficking ring decided to get their next victims from the gala. Tony and Peter are separated, and back-up arrives. They were too late, so now Tony must have the help of Magneto and the Wolverine in order to save his kid from a terrible fate.
Part Eleven - Prompts Used:
No. 25 - Hide & Seek; No. 31 - Hurt & Comfort; Disaster Zone | trauma | prisoner Escape | flight | hiding
https://archiveofourown.org/works/34816618
Summary:
Peter wakes up in a strange world. Everything around him is sandy, and he can hear bombs in the distance. He wonders how he got there. He couldn’t remember how he got there. Where was he? He wanders around until he can see a helicarrier in the distance. He noted that he had a large cut on his side as well, and that he was in odd Egyptian-like clothes. The last thing he remembered was walking to the subway and being on his way to Ned’s house. What the heck happened, and why is there a talking bird?
Depressing, yet satisfying. Yup, that's animorphs alright!
have you talked at all about the animorphs going through a groundhog day/new game plus kind of time loop before? it's one of my favorite tropes / aus.
• Jake wakes up. It’s a Southern California day like any other: sunny, 70, chance of aliens. He showers, slumps downstairs, pours himself a bowl of Frosted Flakes. Does his best to ignore the controller sitting across the table and staring at him. Brushes his teeth. Catches the bus.
Jake goes to Homeroom. Jake goes to Algebra. Jake goes to French. Jake goes to U.S. History. Jake goes to lunch. Jake goes to Remedial English. Jake goes to Biology. Jake goes home.
“Remember,” Marco says, as they’re heading out. “Tonight. The usual place.”
Jake sighs, nodding. It seems like that’s all they do these days, meet and try to talk their way up to going on the next mission.
He’s tired. They’re all tired.
Maybe none of them more than Rachel, who is already grinding her teeth when she walks through the door. “I can’t tonight,” she says. “My mom needs me to babysit Jordan and Sara again.”
“Seriously?” Marco asks.
Jake knows why — this has been happening a lot lately. It’s unlike Rachel to put off a mission, and yet. It’s the yeerk pool. None of them want to go back, even her. Even if it means destroying an entire kandrona shipment Erek has pointed them toward.
But Jake’s in charge. It’s Jake’s job to say “Fine. We’ll try again tomorrow.” And so he does.
• Jake wakes up. He showers, he eats his sugar-covered corn, he does his best to hope he hasn’t caught the wrong kind of attention from the thing that looks like Tom. He leaves for school.
Algebra seems like it’s been getting easier lately. In French, he finishes a sentence correctly the first time the teacher prompts him. Maybe he’s been getting better at balancing it all.
Or maybe it’s just been forever since they’ve been on a real mission.
“I can’t tonight,” Rachel says, when they’ve barely started the meeting. “My mom needs me to babysit Jordan and Sara again.”
Marco’s response is sharp and sarcastic. Jake curls his head forward, pressing it against his knees. He gets why Marco’s annoyed. This keeps happening.
“Jake?” Cassie asks softly.
He lifts his head. “If this happens again tomorrow, we might need to plan to go without you,” he tells Rachel.
«That makes no sense,» Tobias says sharply. «We can’t go without our strongest fighter.»
“Tomorrow.” Jake can hear the tiredness in his own voice. “We’ll make a decision tomorrow.”
• Jake wakes up. He goes to school. He sits through classes, through lunch. He confirms with Marco that they’re still just meeting in Cassie’s barn for tonight.
“I can’t tonight,” Rachel says. “My mom—”
“We know.” Jake speaks more sharply than he means to. He’s just. He’s tired. It feels like he hasn’t slept in weeks.
“She’s just really busy right now,” Rachel mutters.
«Yeah, dude.» Tobias glares, or maybe he just looks Jake’s way. «Chill.»
“We go tomorrow,” Jake says. “No matter what. Tomorrow.”
Marco salutes. “Tomorrow it is!”
• Only they don’t go the following day. Jake suggests it, and the others all shout him down. It’s just one night, Rachel and Tobias keep telling him, it’s just for now. The kandrona shipment can wait one more night, Ax says. Cassie suggests they all just take a breath, take a break.
• Jake messes up. They don’t go the next day either, and this time it’s Jake’s fault; he fell asleep during what felt like the world’s most repetitive History class, and got detention.
“You doing all right?” his dad asks, picking him up after school that day.
“Yeah.” Jake stares dully out the car window. “Yeah, I’m fine.”
“And...”
Jake can tell, by the change in tone, that they’ve gotten to the real reason his dad started this conversation.
“And Tom.” Steve clears his throat. “Has he seemed... off to you, lately?”
Yeah, Dad, he seems like he’s been replaced by a fucking alien, thanks for asking. Jake wants to slide off his seat and onto the floor. He wants to curl up in the footwell of the car and cry himself to sleep, right there on the spot. “I don’t know,” he says. “He seems fine to me.”
• The following day, Jake gets to the barn early. He doesn’t like going on this mission without Rachel, but there’s a difference between waiting for a day and waiting for... he doesn’t know how long. Several. It’s been forever.
“Hey.” It’s Cassie, standing in the door. “You ready to go tonight?”
“Yes.” Jake pushes to his feet. “Yes. Even if Rachel’s busy, we need to get this over with.”
Cassie frowns. “Rachel didn’t mention being busy. I know she’s had to babysit a lot lately, but she shouldn’t need to tonight.”
Jake snorts. “No kidding, she’s had to babysit a lot.”
The doors of the barn swing open. Rachel’s there, Marco trailing behind. Two raptors land in the rafters, one after the other.
“Okay,” Jake says. “I talked with Cassie, and we go ahead no matter what.”
“I can’t tonight,” Rachel says.
“Wow,” Jake mutters, “how did I know that was coming.”
Everyone stares at him.
He stares back. “No one else is getting frustrated with this?”
“My mom’s just really busy right now.” Rachel crosses her arms.
“When is she going to get un-busy?” Jake knows he sounds mean. He knows it. But it feels like they’ve been having this conversation since... Since... He doesn’t know when.
“Definitely by this weekend she’ll be fine,” Rachel says.
“Weekends.” Marco sighs, flopping his wrist against his forehead. “I remember what those were like, back in the days of yore.” He’s overdoing it, trying to break the tension.
“What...” Jake frowns, a sudden uneasiness saturating his stomach. “What day is it today?”
“It’s Thursday,” Rachel says. “So the weekend starts tomorrow. I promise, it’ll be fine.”
“Thursday.” Jake looks at his watch, not that that’s any help. “I could’ve sworn it was...” He trails off, looking into space. He’s never sure what day it is anymore. And yet, that answer doesn’t sound right — this whole thing doesn’t feel right — for some reason he can’t put his finger on.
«Let’s just go tomorrow, yeah?» Tobias says. «We can’t go without our strongest fighter.»
“Yeah,” Jake mutters. “You keep saying that.”
Still, they go home.
• Jake wakes up. He doesn’t feel rested, but at least he doesn’t remember dreaming.
“Jake?” his mom asks over breakfast. “Have you seen Tom this morning?”
Jake shakes his head, hoping that’s not a bad sign. He leaves for school.
“Remember,” Marco says, as they’re heading out. “Tonight. The usual place.”
It’s not like Jake was at any risk of forgetting. This is their third? fourth? meeting in a row.
He goes to Cassie’s barn. “I can’t tonight,” Rachel says. “My mom needs me to babysit Jordan and Sara again.”
“I thought you said she’d be free by Friday,” Jake points out.
“Yeah, and today’s Thursday.” Rachel crosses her arms.
“It can’t be Thursday, yesterday was Thursday,” Jake snaps. “We’re already at the weekend.”
“Weekends.” Marco sighs, flopping his wrist against his forehead. “I remember what those were like, back in the days of yore.”
Jake stares at Marco. His whole brain is tilting, spinning, horizon losing its contours. It’s not unease he’s feeling. It’s dread. Panic.
“Hey Ax?” Jake says, voice very small.
«Yes, Prince Jake?»
“N...” He takes a breath. “Never mind.”
• Jake wakes up. He checks the level of the Frosted Flakes. He should’ve gone through the box, and yet...
“Hey Mom,” he calls, still inside the pantry. “Did you replace these lately?”
A shadow falls over the door. Tom is blocking the opening, staring hard at Jake. “Why are you asking that?”
Jake tries for a natural smile. “Just wondering. Did Mom ever find you? She was looking for you yesterday.”
“Wait.” Tom’s eyes narrow. “What?”
The shelf impacts Jake’s lower back, which is how he knows he stepped back. “Just wanted to make sure that...”
“Jake?” his mom calls. “You said my name?”
He grabs the cereal box and runs.
When he gets to school, they’re still on integer-valued polynomials. And conjugating “tournoyer.” And Chumash-Mexican alliances. And split infinitives. And the krebs cycle.
“Remember,” Marco says, as they’re heading out. “Tonight. The usual place.”
And for the first time in his life, Jake doesn’t even bother to go.
• Jake wakes up. Jake stays in bed. He’s tired. He’s tired, and he’s starting to understand what’s happening here. If his mom asks, he’ll fake sick. But either way, fuck school.
• Staying in bed gets old fast. Jake spends an entire day actually teaching himself the one-hour lesson on polynomials. And then another day on regular conjugation of multipart verbs. And then two more, one each for the Chumash and Mexicans. And then skips another school day, because he doesn’t give a damn about infinitives, and then finally the krebs cycle.
• He hasn’t been on an Animorphs mission in...
A while. It’s been a while.
And he’s feeling fine.
• “I’m telling you, if you even tried kidnapping Spider-Man and adding him as a Robin,” Marco says over lunch, “then Aunt May would just go out, buy a shotgun, and cap Bruce Wayne’s ass.”
Jake stares at him. He’s been letting this conversation wash over him, but now... “Don’t you ever get sick of talking about this stuff?” he asks.
Marco’s face does something complicated. It takes less than a second, before his smile is back in place. It has an edge now. “It’s not like we can talk about anything real here, you absolute gravy stain,” he says through his teeth.
Jake nods. He pushes to his feet. And then he stands up on the table.
“Marco!” Jake says, and the cafeteria falls silent. “Marco Sant-Alonso Grant Dominguez, will you marry me?”
There’s laughter, and then there’s whispering, and then there’s booing.
And then there’s detention, for breaking the school’s policy against homosexual conduct.
It’s something different, anyway.
• Jake lives.
• Some days he walks out of the house before anyone else is up. He goes flying, and spends the day with Tobias and Ax. He morphs wolf, runs out to find Toby, and spends the day there instead. He attends a Sharing meeting, walking uninvited to its back room and noting as many faces as he can before they drag him back out.
• Maybe it’s not fair to everyone else, Jake thinks on some days. Maybe they deserve to live and grow. But maybe they deserve to not be at war, and maybe they’re not, not really, not while they’re in this holding pattern.
• Jake thrives.
• “Detention, young man,” Chapman says, because Jake hasn’t bothered to go to English class for quite a while now.
Jake whirls around, staring him down. “Did you just try to put my host in detention, Iniss 226?” he demands.
Chapman’s face freezes. His whole body is caught between one motion and the next, mouth hanging halfway open.
“That’s what I thought,” Jake says. And then he spins back around and walks out the door. He’s laughing by the time he reaches the sidewalk. Laughing uncontrollably, laughing with stupid little snorts mixed in. Laughing like he hasn’t since...
A while. It’s been a while.
• Jake goes joyriding in his mom’s car. Jake goes joyriding in a stolen Bug fighter. Jake’s lonely, but Jake’s been lonely for a long time.
• “My name is Jake!” he announces, the next time he feels like standing on a cafeteria table. “And I’m an Animorph!”
• Jake messes up.
“Hey Jake?” Jake’s mom says over dinner one night, the way she often does. “Cassie called a few times. She sounded worried about you.”
Jake stirs his food (he’s so so sick of stuffed cabbage), not looking up. “Don’t worry,” he tells his mom. “She’s annoyed because I’m not planning our ten thousandth attempt to bring down the Yeerk Empire. But it started to feel pointless after a while, you know?”
His dad asks if this is something to do with a video game. His mom asks if he and Cassie are dating. His brother’s face is blank, twisting into horror.
Jake throws Tom a wink, and waits for the explosion.
It never comes, to his surprise. Instead Tom stares at him in silence for the rest of dinner, not eating, not talking.
The yeerk must be — and Jake laughs aloud at the thought — planning on doing something about it tomorrow.
• Jake wakes up. He wakes up, because he can’t breathe.
There’s a hand pressed over his nose and mouth. There’s a two-hundred-pound human body pinning him to his bed. There’s a knee jammed into his diaphragm. Any one of these could account for Jake’s drowning-man struggle, clawing at Tom’s wrist as his body starves for air.
“Don’t worry.” Tom’s voice is silky-low in his ear, and Jake doesn’t care because THERE’S NO AIR. “I’m not going to kill you, you little shit. Then I’d be alone in this loop.”
He lets go, sitting back. Jake sucks in a breath so violently his whole chest arcs off the bed.
Jake sits up. They stare at each other.
Yeah, Jake fucked up.
“Hi,” Jake says at last, hoarse. “My name's Jake. You are?”
The yeerk doesn’t try anything cute, like claiming to be Tom. “Ardek 5851. Sub-Visser Two-Oh-Nine.”
Jake nods. “You’ve been in the loop... how long?”
“For me, this is the eighty-sixth time it’s been Thursday, May tenth,” Ardek 5851 says. “What about you?”
Jake has no freaking clue how many days it’s been since he noticed, and he has a nasty suspicion it took him at least a week to notice at all. He settles for shrugging.
“Fine.” Ardek sits Tom upright, cross-legged on the end of Jake’s bed. “On to the elephant in the room. You’re helping the andalite bandits. And so is Cassie Moises.”
Jake is aware that he’s the stupidest person ever to live, thanks. There’s no need to point it out.
“Well?” Ardek raises Tom’s eyebrows. “I gave you my name and rank, midget.”
“Don’t call me that,” Jake snaps. He shoves to his feet, fists clenched, chest aching. “And yeah, I’m helping them.”
Ardek snorts loudly. “Clearly they’re not helping you, or else you wouldn’t still be here. What, no Time Matrix on loan for their lowly human ally?”
Jake shrugs. He has to play this carefully. The variables have changed overnight: now his survival is likely to hinge on that of this creature. This is bad. “Maybe I like it here. Maybe I haven’t bothered telling my andalite contact, because I don't think it's worth the trouble."
Ardek squints at him. “If I didn’t know you, I’d think you were telling the truth. Since I do know you, midget, I know you’re telling the truth. Damn.” He laughs, shaking his head. “I mean, I knew you were fucked up, because Tom knows you’re fucked up. But this...” He shakes his head again.
“So. Guess we’ll go back to how it was, then.” Jake shrugs again. “You do your thing, and I’ll do mine.”
“Jake.” The name seems like a deliberate choice. “Jake, you know we can’t go on like this forever. Work with me, kid. If you don’t want out, what do you want?”
Jake lets his gaze flick to Tom’s body, and then back up to his eyes. “I think you know.”
Ardek grimaces. “Fine,” he says. “Agreed. He sucks as a host anyway. But you can’t let him go blabbing the truth after I give him back. And you let me go my own way."
"Fine."
"There’s this bod I’ve had my eye on anyway, this local cop who’s also a ranked weight-lifter. Shouldn’t be too hard to grab.”
“I wish you hadn’t told me that,” Jake murmurs.
“Hey, you get Tom, I get Officer Jenna Richards. Everyone wins.”
“Just...” Jake presses his index finger and thumb to the bridge of his nose. “Tell me what you've already tried, to end the loop."
• When they part ways, Jake doesn’t go to Ax. The part about not wanting to trouble him was true. And after their little trip to the Cretaceous, Jake is pretty sure Ax has no idea what he’s doing when it comes to sario rips. Instead, Jake finds Erek.
He doesn’t start by asking about time loops, but with “You remember when we helped you guys fix the pemalite ship?”
Erek nods, because of course Erek remembers.
“Okay,” Jake says. “So this is going to be one hell of a return favor, but...” He smiles weakly. “How do you feel about breaking the space-time continuum?”
• Jake wakes. Ardek is sitting on the end of his bed again.
“Rise and shine, little bro!” he says. “Who’s ready for some breakfast?”
Jake groans, rubbing a hand over his face. “I’m not your brother.”
“And I’m guessing Tom got better sleep on the last-ever May ninth than you did.” Ardek grins at him. “So?”
“My contact didn’t get an answer right away. I’m supposed to come back.”
“So Prince Whoeverthefuck can start running the calculations again? From the top?” Tom’s fists are tight on the bedspread.
“Yep.” It’s Jake’s turn to grin obnoxiously at him. “So I’d better get over there, don’t you think?”
Ardek flips him off, and stalks out of the room.
• Erek starts from the top, every morning. Usually after an hour’s worth of exhausting the same suggestions he made yesterday, with Jake shooting down each one at ever-increasing speed. Erek hits a dead end, every evening. And he gives Jake something to memorize and recite back to him the following morning.
• Jake comes home to find Tom splayed out on the floor, the whole room stinking of strawberry schnapps. Ardek is vague-eyed, loll-headed.
“What are you doing?” Jake says slowly.
“Livin’...” Ardek hiccups. “Livin’ like there’s no tomorrow.”
Jake considers. And then he sits on the floor next to Tom. “Strawberry schnapps, huh?”
“Yep. Dad’s got shit taste.”
“He’s not your dad.”
“Thank god for that.” Ardek hands over the bottle.
Jake takes it. “No tomorrow, right?”
Ardek fumbles behind himself in the pantry, comes up with cooking sherry this time. “No tomorrow.” He toasts with it.
Jake sips the schnapps. Yep, even more awful than it smells. He sets the bottle on the floor, grateful when Ardek doesn’t push the issue.
“So how’s the world’s slowest war-prince doing for you?” Ardek asks.
“‘Slow’ is about it.” Jake doesn’t sip again. “Why can’t you ask any of your fellow sub-vissers for help, while we’re waiting?”
Ardek snorts. “I wish. Cooperation within the Empire isn’t...” He trails off. “It isn’t. Period.”
“Sounds like a pain.”
“Okay, so. You got Visser Three, stomping around on his itty-bitty hooves like he hung the stars and we should all be kissing his ass. You got Visser One, whose deal is...” Ardek blows a raspberry. “I don’t even know. Scary-ass lady. And you gotta pick one or the other or else your ass is grass. But you’re stuck either minioning for Visser Three, or betting everything on some alleged revolution that inn’t even going to come through ‘cause...” He hiccups again.
Jake chuckles. “Sounds like politics.”
“Y’know, every time I try to tell people my host used to live next door to Visser One’s host, they think I’m making it up?” Ardek says. “That I’m trying for, like, the position of kissass-in-chief.”
“Would you take it, if you could?” Jake asks. He takes another wincing sip.
“What, a vissership?” Ardek slurs the word, stopping to work Tom’s mouth when he’s finally got it out. “In an instant. An instant. It means being safe, being visser. It means not having to kiss up anymore. It’d mean no longer having to deal with this...” He flicks Tom’s finger against his temple, like getting rid of a bug. “And getting a nice, quiet, voluntary host instead. I’ll kiss all the ass in the world for that.”
“I guess I never thought about it that way before,” Jake says quietly.
Ardek snorts. “Like you’re not kissing the ass of some war-prince, just to be allowed to be in the war at all?”
Jake hums noncommittally. Sips again. Wonders if he should try to hide the bottles before his parents get home.
Let them ground Tom. It’s not like it matters.
• Erek makes little progress. Ardek comments on it constantly, but Jake still won’t let him come along to meet this contact.
• Jake wakes. This time, it’s because he’s been dumped out of bed and onto the floor.
“Hey.” Ardek crouches next to him, straightens up, bounces on the spot. “Hey, hey, asshole. I tried your idea, man. I tried your brilliant damn idea of, of, asking our technician about time loops.”
Jake sits up slowly. “And?”
“I died, man!” Tom’s voice rises into a screech.
Now Jake scrambles to his feet. “You died. Yesterday. Last loop. You—”
“Those utter grass-munchers reported me, said I was losing the plot, and of course they didn’t want to deal with me, we’re already over budget and understaffed, yadda yadda, so they shot me!” Ardek is still bouncing, wide-eyed, manic.
“They shot Tom,” Jake says. “And you both died.”
“Yes, you stupid human, he died too!” Ardek makes a dismissive gesture. “I’ve done the drills, we’ve all done the drills, on how to get out of the skull in an emergency, but all the blood was coming out everywhere, and all the circuits were shutting down, and the stupid host was screaming, and...” He wraps both arms around himself, shuddering.
“I’m sorry that happened to you,” Jake says slowly.
Ardek punches him in the arm. “Damn straight you’re sorry. ‘Why don’t you try asking your people’s technicians?’” he says in a truly awful imitation of Jake’s voice. “‘See if they can help.’”
Jake gets a hand around Tom’s bicep. Gently pulls Ardek down to sit on the edge of the bed. Ardek curls forward, both hands pressed over his face.
“You people aren’t even worth it, you know that?” Ardek speaks through Tom’s fingers. “You don’t have blades, you fall over all the time, and pretending to be you involves wasting so much time on the most inane crap...” He lifts his head. “You know, if you’d take one tenth the time and resources and brainpower you people spend on this shit—” He plucks at his shirt hem — "and ditch the clothes, you’d be shuttling to deep space and outgunning the andalites by now.”
“Probably,” Jake says. “Why are you here, then? If we’re such a crappy species.”
“No choice,” Ardek says dully. He flops back onto Jake’s bed. “If you try to not go to whatever shitty backwater planet they assign you and recruit the locals, you end up...” He shudders again. “Like me, yesterday.”
Jake never expected to feel this much sympathy for a yeerk. Much less the one currently puppeting his brother. “You could stay,” he offers. “In the loop. Just... hold.”
Ardek rolls onto his side. “I,” he says slowly, “have not eaten—” He pokes Jake’s leg. “A single drop of kandrona. In one-hundred forty-three fucking days. I was scheduled to go first thing, the morning of May eleventh, but nooo. I haven’t talked to my friends in that long either, because I can’t exactly pick up the phone and do a check-in, now can I?”
Another angle Jake has never considered before. “Do you even... want a host at all?” he asks slowly.
“Beats being stuck in the kandrona tank twenty-four-seven,” Ardek says. “I don’t like eating that much.”
There’s something in there, something about all the yeerks feeling like there are only two choices and both suck, that... Jake has a half an idea. Less than. He has to run it by Cassie, and then...
And then have Cassie forget the whole thing, over and over again.
“Why is this happening to us?” he asks Ardek, flopping next to him on the bed. “I mean, why us?”
“Extremely localized sario rip went off in the basement,” Ardek says immediately. “Caught us both sleeping, sent us into a loop that’s spiraling slowly down until we both die. Like that... Jacob’s Ladder movie.”
Jake hums. He’s already lived that one out, in Brazil, and he’s pretty sure this isn’t it. “Wouldn’t it have collapsed when you died, then?”
“Yeah.” Ardek sighs. “For the longest time I thought it was something you andalites did to us, but that doesn’t explain why you’re here. What about you? Any thoughts?”
“Crayak.” It slips out almost before Jake means to say it.
“What’s that?”
“Cosmic being.” Jake stares at the ceiling. “Doesn’t like me. Would pull crap like this, most likely.”
“Then why am I here?” Ardek whines.
Jake doesn’t answer. And then he figures there’s no harm in answering. “I think... he wants me to make a choice. The same one he’s been pushing me toward for a long time now.”
“And that is?”
Jake rolls over enough to look Ardek in the eye. Enough to look into Tom’s eyes. “I’m working with the andalites. You’re a controller. Figure it out.”
Then he stands up, and starts getting dressed for school. One more round of infinitives won’t kill him, and if his suspicion about how to get out of the loop is correct then it beats the alternative.
• Erek works out a shorthand for himself. Jake teaches it back to him every morning, and memorizes a page of notes written in the shortened code every evening. He deserves extra credit in Algebra for this, even with his new expertise on polynomials.
• Jake’s parents keep catching him to ask about Tom. They’re worried — he’s stayed in his room all day today. All day today. All day today.
“I’m close.” Jake stands in the door of Tom’s room. Ardek is curled in a ball on his bed. “I swear, I’m getting close.”
Ardek lifts Tom’s head. His eyes are dull.
Jake has been there. Jake knows.
He shuts the door when he leaves.
• “Forget all of that,” Erek says, ten seconds after handing Jake today’s notes. “Forget all of it.” His auto-generated voice sounds excited. “How long do we have?”
“The loop resets at midnight,” Jake says.
Erek nods. He’s grinning. “We’ll be cutting it fine, but I think you can do this. Because it all fits, if you just add in the Neuguyn Equation and drop the exponential term—”
“—over lambda,” Jake finishes. “Because then it’s symmetrical, and simplifying it takes half the time.”
Erek raises his eyebrows. “Dude, how many Thursdays have you had?”
Jake shakes his head. “Neuguyn Equation. Teach it to me.”
• Jake wakes up. Jake throws himself out the window, hitting the ground hard. But he’s up, morphing to Homer even as he goes at a mad sprint for Erek’s house. Neuguyn Equation, in place of the exponent. Neuguyn Equation, in place of the exponent.
• Jake throws open his front door, three hours later. “Ardek!” he yells. “Ardek, we’ve got it!”
“Jake?” His mom’s straightening up from where she was working in the living room. “Shouldn’t you be at school? Tom’s home sick, are you also...?”
Jake ignores her. He’ll apologize tomorrow, if there is a tomorrow. “Ardek!” He pounds on Tom’s bedroom door.
Ardek yanks it open. “You have an answer?”
Jake nods. “We got it.”
Ducking back into the room, Ardek yanks on shoes and socks. “Yes, yes, yes!” He leans down the stairs. “Mom! We’re borrowing the car!”
Jake’s mom says something in response, and it doesn’t sound like an affirmative. Ardek’s already grabbing the keys.
Jake gives directions to the Kings’ house. His own heart is pounding, his fingertips tingling. Please let this work. Please.
• Erek answers the door, smiling pleasantly. “Please do not be fooled by my human morph,” he tells Ardek. “This is just a temporary means of avoiding suspicion by the neighbors.”
Ardek takes this with a nod.
“You’re ready?” Erek asks Jake.
Jake takes a breath, and rattles off the math. It’s a ten-minute process.
Erek nods. Then he reaches out, grabbing Tom by the wrist. “I need you to stay here, as you risk getting hurt if you stand too close to the collapse when Jake sets it off.”
“Yeah, okay,” Ardek says. “Fine with me.”
Jake walks over to the sphere of what looks like ball lightning, floating in the middle of the Kings’ living room. It’s hard even to look at, eating light and energy from the world around it.
He grabs the first of the metal rods from the floor, and plunges it into the current. The power jolts up his arm, throwing off the rhythm of his heart, making his hair stand on end. He grabs the other rod, closing the circuit.
He shifts them apart, then brings them together, building up the flow. Does it again. Does it again. His body is burning, stuttering. He’s falling apart.
There’s a pop of displaced air, and the world goes into reverse.
The sun plunges down to the east, the sky going dark. Ghostly shapes, echoes of past possibilities, shoot past in reverse. Jake feels those universes collapsing into his chest, thousands of possibilities yanked back into his body in a single brain-exploding instant. The air sucks out of the room, drops back in. Shutting his eyes does nothing to help, because he can still feel those branches being pulled back into him.
And then it’s done. He’s standing in the living room, the ball lightning absent, just Erek and Ardek and Tom.
“Did it work?” Ardek asks.
Erek frowns. “Did what work?”
Jake’s head snaps around. “Emergency override: six. I’m sorry, friend, but we cannot play today. You require maintenance.”
The pemalite code, despite being translated, despite not having been spoken in forty thousand years, works perfectly. Erek goes blank and dead, hologram shutting off entirely, body freezing in position.
“Uh.” Ardek tries to yank Tom’s wrist away, makes no progress at all against that relentless thousand-pound grip. “What the hell?”
“Mr. King’s in the other room,” Jake says levelly. “He’ll get you food and water, and he’ll make sure Tom doesn’t die. But he can’t hurt Erek, or Tom, trying to get you loose. And he doesn’t have any kandrona.”
Jake doesn’t know if the math suddenly fitting helped him to make a decision, or if it suddenly fit because he finally decided. But he does know that one thing is always true about Crayak’s traps: that the Ellimist is very good at leaving the Animorphs a third way out.
“Please,” Ardek is begging. He’s yanking harder now, but Erek doesn’t move. Can’t move, until Jake turns him back on. “Please, please, I’m sorry. I’m sorry!” he screams, in Tom’s voice. Straining Tom’s throat.
“I know,” Jake says. And then he walks out the front door.
It’s Thursday. It’s Thursday, but he’s pretty sure tomorrow will be Friday.
• Jake wakes up. He wakes because his mom is shaking him. “Honey, we need your help.” She sounds frantic. This is new.
“What day is it?” Jake asks.
“Friday,” she says dismissively, not noticing his sharp inhale. “Honey, nobody’s seen Tom since yesterday morning, your dad and I have called everyone we know, and —”
Jake rolls out of bed. “I’ll go looking for him. I know which friend he might be with.”
His mom rushes out of the room. It’s Friday. It’s Friday.
• When he gets to Erek’s place, Tom is slumped against Erek’s unmoving legs. His wrist is swollen black within Erek’s grip. Ardek lies dead on the floor. It’s Friday.
• The cops knock on Jake’s front door, less than an hour after they get home. This, even though Jake’s mom called to cancel the missing-persons report 30 minutes ago.
Tom answers, right arm tucked into the pocket of his coat. Tom tells the officers, his voice hoarse and ragged, that it was just a stupid bender and that he’s very sorry for going out drinking underage. Tom assures them both it won’t happen again. Tom sees them on their way.
Jake shuts the door, locks it. “Those were...”
“Controllers, yeah.” Tom coughs, winces. Ardek must have screamed all night. “And they’ll be back within the hour.”
Jake nods. “Pack your stuff, then. We’re running.” He knew this might happen. He knew.
“They’re going to find us,” Tom rasps.
“Only way out was through.” Jake thinks. He hopes. “Don’t know about you, but I was getting pretty sick of Thursdays.”
Tom nods. “Should contact your war-prince first, though.”
“Yeah,” Jake says. “About that.”
6/28 - Suffocation
Pain in the heart When will the gates open For me and only me When will you let me in
Feel the pain in my head My jaw clenched shut Like a clam shell Never opens for you
There are no pearls on my tongue Just salt between closed lips I sit gurgling curses Feeling the silt between my teeth
Crush, crush Bones destroyed by bones Lifeblood drank by deathblood Pure rose red and sickly rotten black
Feed me, fill me Acid burning up butterflies Take what I know Rip my pages apart
My brain is falling apart inside my head Panic fraying my loose ends My shell cracked Insides falling outside
Your pseudo tenderness A gull bashing me against rocks Ripping out my sweetness Sucking down my marrow
Eat me, become me, As I poison you, Turn those lips blue Suffocation the softest kiss
I'm home. I don't know what's happening to me. I tried to suffocate myself with a pillow next to my mother and she barely managed to snatch that pillow away from me
She was(nt) mine
Everything I write about my girl is non-descript Lacking humanity Other writers have given more depth to phantoms. When did it happen, my muse? I am entirely sure she is no longer mine Nonetheless Do I miss her or do I miss my version of the truth of her? There is no truth of her. Do I miss the chaos we created? I create enough on my own. I'm fooling myself to think we created anything at all in our grand social experiment I can be sure I loved her, whoever she was. I'm sure I would have loved her, had I ever met her. We were a calendar floating on the last days of the year I can't say that this is sadness I have only decided three things: a. it hurt b. it mattered and because of this c. I am not the same
baltimore
Baltimore, again. 8 AM, sweating, shaking on the verge of puking up stomach acid. the car is dead silent. are we early? are they late? is this how its going to be forever? who knows. who cares. i’ve been watching time pass and slip through the cracks between my fingers. it seems more apparent than usual. we are parked at a gas pump. each time i make eye contact its quickly broken. i know what they are thinking. ‘what a shame.’ ‘my morning could be worse.’ maybe they even feel gratitude. as they finish filling up, i watch them reach for their phones. i wonder if they are calling their daughters and sons. on the surface, just to check in. but inwardly, thankful their children aren’t heroin addicts. no one wants their baby to grow up to be a junkie. i steal a glance at my other half she’s ill but she’s beautiful. she’ll feel better soon enough. a young handsome black man starts over and my heart skips a beat. we exchange currency for oblivion. we drive away to find somewhere to hit. it feels like my first kiss. i can’t remember what makes me happy anymore. my happiness is artificial and fits nicely in a syringe. when i get on, i can breathe again. i melt into the passenger seat, successful. i watch her try to find a vein, in and out of consciousness. she’s millimeters away from getting well. she’ll get there. i let myself nod but for a moment, i wonder what that young, handsome black man wanted to be when he grew up. i guess it doesn’t matter. everyone crosses paths at the bottom.
I cant sleep but
the birds aren’t singing yet.
I try and count the seconds between
cars passing on the road near my windowsill
17, 18, 19, 20..
I don’t feel reassured by the silence
because there’s so much noise in my head.
there’s a voice in my head that isn’t mine
taunting me
saying over and over again,
“he’s dead, he’s dead, he’s dead.”
I tried to wake my wife up
I told her,
my voice shaky,
my eyes filled with tears,
she said, “Casey, shit happens like this all the time. I’m trying to sleep.”
I felt nothing before,
now I feel less than nothing.
how many times can I allow my heart to be broken?
not just by others,
but by me as well?
I don’t recognize the person I have become.
It’s 3:30 in the morning.
I feel like a ghost.
I force the loneliness and despair out of me,
but it’s thick like tar.
I file this loss, this pain, this grief, with the other ones.
I don’t know how much more I can take.
there’s a secret door in my chest that leads to my heart where I keep the key.
I return it, close the door, and feel numb again
I wanted to cry for him
I wanted to cry for me
I really hope God knows how angry I am
How full of resentment I am.
everyone kept telling me that it would get better
I light a cigarette and wonder.
I wonder where 34 years went.
wasted, wasted, wasted.
I guess I spent too much time playing god
instead of praying to god but please,
I can’t handle much more.
no one should have to carry this much pain.
I will suffer but you have to trade me.
give me back some of the good memories
and I will shoulder the burden of loss.
let me be able to smile when I miss them.
I’ll do anything.
just let me remember.
soooooo beeen a bitttt but hey have goretober art! :D
this is the list im using so heed this as your warnings lmao
NOW ONTO THE ART!!! I am a few days behind but ykkkk
The Way I've Learned To Live
The way I’ve learned to live
Isn’t what I ever expected
When I was little and the world
Still held all the beauty I had needed.
I’ve learned about myself
In ways I hadn’t ever guessed
Were even possible for me.
The way I’ve learned to live
Is preservation above all
Keep my sanity and my life
My heart and my soul.
But oh, I’m losing it
I’m losing this careful hold
Every time I bite back words
I know I need to say.
The way I’ve learned to live
Is to stay silent when others think
That I am like them, because safety is in numbers
My hands are bleeding from the painful grip I have
The only thing suspending me
From falling down and down.
The way I’ve learned to live
Is preservation above all
Keep my heart and my soul
My sanity and this life
But oh, someone help
I can feel myself slipping
And now I tumble
Down and down
The way I’ve learned to live
Is the way I’ve learned to die
Someone help, someone help
But oh, I’m losing it.
I love this hood
http://therubberdollowner.tumblr.com
I absolutely adore the predicament of these images, a heavy rubber sleeping sack, with a breather mask…Forcing orgasms increases the intensity of the breath play, which in turn increases the orgasms. What a lovely loop!
Please note: I nor my rubber dolls are in this image nor did we create or claim ownership of this image. It will be removed at the owner’s request within 24hrs.