Realizing Ill Never Have A Relationship Or Friendship Like Cal And Andre Is Soul Crushing.

realizing i’ll never have a relationship or friendship like cal and andre is soul crushing.

everytime i open this app after someone likes this i just get jumpscared with andre kriegman’s ass

not complaining tho

“i got called a faggot for wearing a shirt from jcpenney” …andre baby i don’t think it was the shirt

cal having depersonalization-derealization disorder.

throughout zero day, we observe cal zoning out, hesitating, or not understanding certain places or things. in the final words and when they’re building the pipe bombs, he stares at the ground a lot. he seems as if he’s trying to ground himself, to make sure everything is real around him. when he’s making his own tapes, he has weird pauses between his words in unnatural places. he also struggles to understand the consequences of his actions and how to read certain events like in the poetry scene or how he acted before and after prom.

a very significant moment is right before zero day when andre tells cal he couldn’t have done this with anyone else. cal takes almost a minute to fully answer him and his eyes are transfixed on the gun he’s loading. he even messes up the wording. the entire time we see cal, it’s like he’s in a dream.

while these things by themselves don’t seem like much, they paint a picture when joined together. cal doesn’t see himself as a real human. he struggles with seeing other people and things as real. it’s part of what gives him the grandiose ideas that allowed him to plan for zero day. he mentions how people used to duel in the past and the “code of the samurai.” nothing he says is in relation to himself or to his surroundings.

cal thinks of himself as an entity, of something greater than matter and greater than gravity. he is something he can’t touch. he is something that can’t relate to the world around him. he is so detached that he cannot touch the ground.

hey! this is more of a serious post and i’m sorry for that, but i really think i need to say it.

i’m aware that i haven’t been posting as much as i normally do recently. i really really want to fix that, and i promise i will. it’s just that right now i am going through a very tough time mentally, especially with su/c/dal urges. it’s not that i don’t want to post or that i’m choosing not to; it’s just that my brain is genuinely moving in slowmo and i have no clue how to fix it. my account is a silly headcanon account that i know makes a lot of people happy, and i want to keep it that way. i feel like forcing myself to make a lot of posts would cause detrimental effects to me as well as to the quality of the content i’m putting out.

i’m working on posts. i promise. i just don’t want to disappoint anyone. keep sending me asks and ideas!! i’ll get around to them soon! <3

also, this isn’t a post that’s asking for people to comfort me or say nice things. it’s an explanation. don’t feel pressured into being nice or anything.

i love the tomodachi andre gif where he’s getting his head pet 🥲 yippee

hehehe look at him

the gabriel family coming to eat at the restaurant andre works at.

it’s not a fancy restaurant by any means. most of their food is ordered to go, but there are always families and couples who come to eat inside. it’s near a movie theatre and it’s quite cheap, so it’s an optimal place for a quick dinner on a night out.

of course, the gabriel family is one of the families who eats inside. cal normally figures out when andre’s break is so he can eat at the table with them. if he’s not able to take his break, he’ll make sure to go to the front of house and wipe down a couple tables just to see cal and the rest of the gabriel’s.

he’s treated like a family member, like another son or another sibling. every time he takes his apron off and comes to eat with them, cal’s siblings jump up to give him a hug. they’re excited to see him, almost as excited as he is to see them.

they’re a break from reality. he’s able to talk to his favorite person in the world, another high school boy who has the same mind and heart as him, while being surrounded by others whose hearts burn deep with love.

it’s refreshing. it’s not an older, emptier home with just him and his parents and pictures of his brother who left long ago. it’s not spending time off laying in bed with mel on his chest while they both doze off. it’s a genuine hub of happiness and laughter. it’s beautiful. andre can breathe when they’re around, even if they’re in a dingy pizza restaurant.