TW: Body Dysmorphia, Suicidal Ideation, Delusions ,etc.

TW: Body dysmorphia, Suicidal Ideation, Delusions ,etc.

Something Like art:

This town is fake

The people smile right to your face

Leave you feeling cold and empty and bitter

The pungent taste in the back of my mouth leaves me feeling sick and nauseous for hours

Everybody says “bless your heart”

But they really mean is kindly fuck off

It’s hard not to stay awake

Staring at the ceiling, wondering why you are not good enough

I am full of self loathing

My kingdom is full of shards of broken glass

Of paper cuts, and my mothers sass

My body feels dead and my eyes full of tears

Maybe it’s not worth it

To pretend to be happy here

But if I keep holding on day after day, I know the sun will dry out the rain

The colors on the flags will be brighter and maybe the bloodshed will be worth it

As the achievement gets closer, I feel my blood boil, and my skin burning, begging to be ripped apart

I’ve spent years rebuilding the disaster that I am into something beautiful, something like art

but I still don’t feel beautiful

Distortion in the mirror causes me to hate myself even more

When I am a monster in every way, I just learned to embrace the villainess self that I have created

This might not be who I am, but how am I supposed to know who I am?

I am nothing

I am meaningless

I am everything

I have a purpose

Every little thing I do makes up me

Cold, bitter, selfish, empathetic, angry, joyful, compassionate, anxious

I am all of it

So why am I green with envy when I look at everybody else?

Cause when I look at myself, I pick out everything that disgusts me

From the way that I can smile one minute and cry the next

From the way that I am pitted in the stomach with guilt and shame

The way that I am petty and angry and two-faced

From the way that I am the loudest and most joyous person in the room

The way that I lay in bed at night, curled up in a ball aching, wishing I was not in this conscious of existence at all

People with knowledge were heavy crowns on their heads

My head is so heavy

And the shackles that hold me down to ground making sure I know my place

I hold no power

Im not even a pretty face

I convince myself that people love me out of pity

But anyone of them to tell you that there is “nothing wrong” with me

I don’t believe them

They could say that I’m delusional, but I see right through them

The lies that I spin so carefully like a spiderweb, mixing the truth with delusion

I cannot tell what is and what is not

Maybe this town isn’t fake

Maybe I am

Because I smile at mirror and twist the knife in my own heart

Fainting at the sight of blood,

I am no better than no one

-

@pentaclekarkitty

Even when the lights in my eyes are fading remember that I love you more than anything.

I think it’s just aggressive gender envy…again

Hello random sexuality crisis on the last day of pride month

Hello random sexuality crisis on the last day of pride month

won’t wouldn’t: loathe me abnormally

CW: depression, suicidal ideation

(I’m okay, I’m safe.)

:

Maybe I should go to bed 

I’m thinking about her again and

I’m thinking about all the ways that I fucked everything up in my entire life

The way that I am poison to the environment around me

People me tell me that I’m inspiring

I don’t know what they’re seeing

All I see is the sparks in my eyes fading the more I sit here waiting waiting

Wondering how I still hate myself so much

When I’ve changed every aspect of me

They tell me I’m too self critical

I think I just see myself how I truly am

A nightmare hidden behind bright colors, rainbow flags, and warm smile

The beast hiding behind the smile, my sharp teeth can cut you so easily

And only one person has taken this mask off of me

But even then, I can’t tell you what’s underneath 

I can tell you only some of the darkness that I hold without you ever seeing me cry

(that’s a lie)

I cry so much

Even when the lights in my eyes are fading remember that I love you more than anything

And if I don’t make it to see the morning light, remember that I love you more than anything

If you don’t hear from me, remember that I love you more than anything

These people, this castle, this kingdom, I have built

Remember that I love them more than my bluest days

I’m holding on for them. I can’t say the same for me.

- @pentaclekarkitty