If You Know Me Irl No You Dont - Tumblr Posts

everytime i think something has changed with the people in my life, i'm reminded why that isn't the case. i guess the saying "you can't teach an old dog new tricks" was true.

Darling with abandonment issues who believes everyone will leave them x Yandere whose devotion to their darling is a coping mechanism and is incapable of leaving even if they wanted to

How dare you look at them that way? How dare you say that to them?

I guess my fear is staying longer than you want me.

Happy:

You don’t make me happy

That comes from within

But you fill me with joy

You make me want to keep going

You make me feel on top of the world

Like I should take care of my delicate ecosystem

Like I deserve to keep going

You make me feel worthy

And in the end, you loving me

Helps me find happiness within

So this goes to say In a really silly way

Yes, you make me happy

and I am greatful for you everyday.

You are just a ghost now:

I still see you around

Like a ghost walking around here

And I have to do a double take I have such mixed feelings about this loss this grief

On one hand, it pains me that you are gone It pains me because I knew you

Because I could see you right through you

But on the other hand

You made me feel so uncomfortable

So frustrated, so uneasy

But I feel guilty for being mildly relieved when I look behind me and I realize that it is not you

But I feel guilty

I feel guilty because I cared about you so much

Even when I was frustrated, even when I wanted to scream

Even when I couldn’t be in the same room as you for more than 10 minutes

I cared

And I still care

But it still feels like I see a ghost every time I see somebody who mildly resembles you

And that scares me

Part of me is still scared that when I turn around that corner you’re going to be there

I don’t hate you, I know I said that I did privately, but I don’t mean it

And I’m sorry

For everything I hope that one day you can forgive me

Hell maybe you already do

But part of me misses you

Part of me is relieved

This is the only way I’ve been able to live with the grief

But I hope that you can finally breathe now

Becasue I can breathe now, without you.

I DON'T CARE IF THE CLOSET IS MADE OF GLASS I WILL SAY/DO WHAT I WANT ANYWAY

TW: Self Harm, depression, etc.

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Use your words:

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Chips of me falling like broken teeth

On the inside, every part of me is ripping at the seams

Something is wrong

I don’t know what it is

Is it the way that I feel like I’m dancing on heavens skin when I’m above you

Or how

I feel empty and cold the moment you walk out the door

“People with anxious attachment are never fulfilled”

You can give me all the love you have to offer, but maybe I’ll still never feel like it’s enough

Wounds ripping from childhood onward

I cannot be soothed

My heart is aching

And no amount of self-medicating can make it stop

So when we lie here in my bed, I hold you tight

I wrap my arms around you and I don’t let go until you are physically pushing me off of you

I fall asleep peacefully with my head on your chest

it is when I sleep best

My ice cold body intertwined with your warm

I am the happiest in your arms

I like to poke fun and tease you

But you know where my loyalty lies

I am a mosaic of everyone that I love

Maybe my personality is just stolen bits and pieces of other people

They’ve always told me to live in the world

But not of the world

I always thought this meant to be yourself and not what everyone’s telling you to be

But now I can clearly see it was foretold and prophecy

They want me to be perfect

They wanted me to be just like them

and not like people like me

But I sit here, looking at my arms bleed

I do not know my name

I cannot see my face in the mirror

And I cannot look my mother in the eye

And maybe it is because I am ashamed of myself

Or maybe it is because I’m following the stages of psychology

Trying to find my own identity

This is only step four

It is the longest and hardest step

I still don’t know who I am, but I know that you make me happy

But I am alone

And all of the façades, all of the masks drop to the ground

My body is ice cold

But my heart is on fire

My head is underwater

You wonder why sometimes I struggle to use my words

Because sometimes I am drowning so much

If I speak

I will no longer be able to breathe.

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@pentaclekarkitty

How can I be dysphoric all day that I’m not a guy and the be dysphoric because I’m not enough of a woman? What the actual fuck brain?

TW: Body dysmorphia, Suicidal Ideation, Delusions ,etc.

Something Like art:

This town is fake

The people smile right to your face

Leave you feeling cold and empty and bitter

The pungent taste in the back of my mouth leaves me feeling sick and nauseous for hours

Everybody says “bless your heart”

But they really mean is kindly fuck off

It’s hard not to stay awake

Staring at the ceiling, wondering why you are not good enough

I am full of self loathing

My kingdom is full of shards of broken glass

Of paper cuts, and my mothers sass

My body feels dead and my eyes full of tears

Maybe it’s not worth it

To pretend to be happy here

But if I keep holding on day after day, I know the sun will dry out the rain

The colors on the flags will be brighter and maybe the bloodshed will be worth it

As the achievement gets closer, I feel my blood boil, and my skin burning, begging to be ripped apart

I’ve spent years rebuilding the disaster that I am into something beautiful, something like art

but I still don’t feel beautiful

Distortion in the mirror causes me to hate myself even more

When I am a monster in every way, I just learned to embrace the villainess self that I have created

This might not be who I am, but how am I supposed to know who I am?

I am nothing

I am meaningless

I am everything

I have a purpose

Every little thing I do makes up me

Cold, bitter, selfish, empathetic, angry, joyful, compassionate, anxious

I am all of it

So why am I green with envy when I look at everybody else?

Cause when I look at myself, I pick out everything that disgusts me

From the way that I can smile one minute and cry the next

From the way that I am pitted in the stomach with guilt and shame

The way that I am petty and angry and two-faced

From the way that I am the loudest and most joyous person in the room

The way that I lay in bed at night, curled up in a ball aching, wishing I was not in this conscious of existence at all

People with knowledge were heavy crowns on their heads

My head is so heavy

And the shackles that hold me down to ground making sure I know my place

I hold no power

Im not even a pretty face

I convince myself that people love me out of pity

But anyone of them to tell you that there is “nothing wrong” with me

I don’t believe them

They could say that I’m delusional, but I see right through them

The lies that I spin so carefully like a spiderweb, mixing the truth with delusion

I cannot tell what is and what is not

Maybe this town isn’t fake

Maybe I am

Because I smile at mirror and twist the knife in my own heart

Fainting at the sight of blood,

I am no better than no one

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@pentaclekarkitty

CW: depression, suicidal ideation

(I’m okay, I’m safe.)

:

Maybe I should go to bed 

I’m thinking about her again and

I’m thinking about all the ways that I fucked everything up in my entire life

The way that I am poison to the environment around me

People me tell me that I’m inspiring

I don’t know what they’re seeing

All I see is the sparks in my eyes fading the more I sit here waiting waiting

Wondering how I still hate myself so much

When I’ve changed every aspect of me

They tell me I’m too self critical

I think I just see myself how I truly am

A nightmare hidden behind bright colors, rainbow flags, and warm smile

The beast hiding behind the smile, my sharp teeth can cut you so easily

And only one person has taken this mask off of me

But even then, I can’t tell you what’s underneath 

I can tell you only some of the darkness that I hold without you ever seeing me cry

(that’s a lie)

I cry so much

Even when the lights in my eyes are fading remember that I love you more than anything

And if I don’t make it to see the morning light, remember that I love you more than anything

If you don’t hear from me, remember that I love you more than anything

These people, this castle, this kingdom, I have built

Remember that I love them more than my bluest days

I’m holding on for them. I can’t say the same for me.

- @pentaclekarkitty

Well Twitter errr X isn’t safe anymore 🫠

One one hand, I’m sad my therapist had to reschedule because I am really struggling… One the other hand, that means she can’t be “mad” at me for my recent actions because she simply ✨doesn’t know ✨

CW: body dysmorphia

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Bewildered:

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Im becoming the monster that I’ve despised

I wish I could open my eyes

I wish I was not so uncomfortable

When I’m walking around here covered in eyes, a skeleton dripping in this green gooey mess

And I refused to put on a dress

No, I cover myself in black

Wear a cloak long enough to hide my body

Please don’t let anybody see me like this

My bloodshot eyes can’t stand the sight of daylight

If I show more skin, maybe they’ll think I’m fine

It’s getting so hard to pretend that I’m divine

You worship me at my feet

Swear the ground I walk on is made of gold

But I tarnish and break everything I touch, everything I love

So if I cover my hands, I will conceal won’t feel

I am bleeding, bearing my heart on the ground

but I’m terrified in the end the monster is going to get you too

I will end up cold and alone

Lost and dethroned

Just like I was before I met you

- @pentaclekarkitty

idk a lot, man, but I DO know that in the 2028 election Will Wood and Jonny “D'Ville will be my president and vice president<3

{They are also my gay dads in my dreams but thats another story for another time<3}

“You where giving [potential new name] today” -Friend

skndbfndndmmdkddkkddnfk okay pookie I see you being amazing and supportive love you pookie🫶🏻🫶🏻🕺🕺

Gender is so sily tee-hee

Packing is so silly because you are just like oh yeah there is something in my pants and that’s new 💀

My partner and bestie didn’t call me by my birth-name at all today. Yesterday, I told them that I wanted to experiment with a new name and i’m starting to get more comfortable with the idea that maybe I do like having a second name as well.

Needing to remind myself that my friends know me better than most people and that I don’t need to impulsively delete a message out of my fear of judgment.