Acceptance Is A Start

Acceptance is a start

Part 1 , Part 2

"Alright, something's wrong. Mind telling me what?"

She paused. Damn it. Her chocolate brown eyes twitched in annoyance at the damn fact that she could never, no matter how much she tried, hide something from her mother. She stopped writing her homework and merely stared at it. Her mind wandered off as it usually did. "Something's wrong." — everything's wrong, mother. Not something, everything. Yet she couldn't stop. She couldn't stop loving the boy she knew won't love her back the same way even if she killed for it. Her heart felt heavy as it usually did when she thought of him and her current situation. The situation being that she was, well, head over heels for a boy who openly announced that he wanted no girl other than the girl he claimed as his — the girl that wasn't her. It hurt. It really did. But what can she do about it? Nothing. She can't do anything about it except for moving on which is quite a hard task, especially since she'd love him for more than a year now. She let out a silent chuckle. There she goes again. Feeling like a highschool girl with a crush. It was as if she was thirteen again except this time it was different. This time it wasn't just a crush anymore, it was love now. Love she never wanted. But of course, Fate doesn't run that day. It seemed to give her the opposite of what she wanted. Oh, you don't want to love anyone at the age of 16? Well, too bad. You're now in love with the boy who considers you as his sister, good luck. Oh, what's that? You want a non drama-filled life? Huh? Sorry — not — but drama is waiting for you, my dear. Have fun! Goodness, Fate doesn't want to give her a break, Huh? Realizing that she had yet to respond, she raised her dull chocolate brown eyes to the blue eyes of her mother.

"Whatever do you mean, mother?"

She almost flinched at the dull tone of her response. Since when had she lost her cheery tone? Oh, that's right. Since the day she realized her feelings which was, unfortunately for her, the day the boy she garnered feelings for proclaimed his love for a girl that, surprise surprise, wasn't her. Her eyebrows raised at the face of her mother — one that clearly states she wasn't buying her bluff. Sighing again, her chocolate brown eyes moved back to the unfinished homework lying on her desk. Her hands made a movement to grab her pen just as her mother sighed and made a move to leave the room. She started writing yet again but her mind was somewhere else. Damn it. Why does this have to be so hard? Why couldn't she just focus on her homework and forget everything else? Don't answer that. She knew the answer. She knew that, even if she tried to do so, her mind won't focus on her homework because it was busy focusing on something else and for once, it wasn't him. It was her mother. She pondered whether or not she should tell her mother. After all, she needed someone to talk to about all of this. About her feelings. Bolting it all up wasn't healthy for her, it never had been. She tightened her grip on her pen before loosening it again with a sigh.

"I love him"

The words were out in the open now. Damn, it felt relieving to say that. All these time, she knew that she loved him but she never, not once, said it out loud in fear of someone overhearing her. She knew that if someone did, they wouldn't know who she was referring to but still, better safe than sorry. Hearing it said out in the open was like confirming her thoughts. She loved him. Oh my God. She loved. But he doesn't love her. Not in the way she wanted him to, at least. Her eyes fluttered close as yet another round of tears made it's way to her eyes but this time, it didn't fall, she prevented it from falling. With glossy chocolate brown eyes, she moved her head and stared at the frozen figure in her doorway. Her mother's frozen figure, to be specific. Her mother's blue eyes stared at her, her daughter, with barely concealed shock. Who? What? Why? When? Those were the thoughts circling her mother's mind as she watched her daughter, as she watched her, with tears in her eyes, repeat her words like a broken record and getting more emotional every turn.

"I love him..."

He doesn't love me.

"I love him..."

And it hurts.

"I love him..."

I'm scared.

"I love him..."

I don't know what to do.

"I love him......"

Help me, mother.

Tears continued to form itself in her eyes yet she didn't let them fall, she didn't allow them too. She was tired. She didn't want this anymore. Loving him was killing her and she needed to stop, only problem was she didn't know how. Her eyes closed as the thought stayed in her head. She didn't know how to not love him and that scared her, more than ever. Her chocolate brown eyes stared at her shaking hands, her tears still not falling. She took a shaky breath. No, don't cry. You've cried enough already. No need to cry again. Her mind involuntarily remembered the boy she loved so much and the girl she longed to be and the thought made her want to cry. Her hands shook more visibly as her mind made her remember the pair and their loving nature towards one another. Before she could panic more, a hand was suddenly covering that of her own. Her eyes snapped upwards only to be met by the calm blue eyes of her mother. She was so mesmerized at the caring and calming eyes of her mother that she almost failed to notice the words that escaped her lips in a soft, scared whisper.

"I'm scared..."

"I know..."

Her mother was quick to comfort her. She felt her mother's arms wrap themselves around her figure and closed her eyes, leaning towards her mother, desperately in need of the warmth and comfort she knew her mother would give her.

"Loving...it's scary, especially for someone as young as you..."

She listened to her mother speak and couldn't help but agree with her mother's words. It was true. Loving was — is scary. It always had been. No matter how old or how prepared you might think you are, loving someone, especially in a romantic way, will always be scary — that much she knew of. But even then, even if the words that left her mother's mouth was not something knew to her, it brought her a sense of comfort she needed.

"It's scary but it's also wonderful. It's such an amazing feeling, once you get over the scary part. You're constantly happy and you'll always feel as if you are on top of the world..."

She smiled. She caught up on the love and passion in her mother's voice and smiled, feeling happy that her mother experienced love in the best way possible. Sure, she couldn't see how love can be so wonderful as it had been nothing but cruel to her but to hear her mother say it as if she had experienced it before, and there's no doubt that she had and still do, makes me happy. They may not have been the closest mother-daughter pair out there but they care about one another, even after their multiple arguments. They care and that's what matters. Of course, her sense of happiness didn't last for long. As soon as she remembered that she had yet to experience that kind of love, her smile dimmed and tears continued to form in her eyes as she felt a bittersweet feeling creep up on her. She wished she experienced the kind of love her mother talks greatly about and not the love she was experiencing now. It sounded great. Her mother must have picked up on her down mood as she continued.

"But love can also be painful... It's not all rainbows and sunshine. It can hurt someone and I have no doubt you're hurting from love right now..."

The way her mother said it made her look away from her. Shame filled her body even when there was nothing to be ashamed about. Love can hurt someone and it was hurting her — it was normal. Her mother sighed and placed both of her hands on her cheek and made her look straight into her blue eyes. Chocolate brown met Crystal blue.

"I'm not shaming you, child. I just want you to know that what you're feeling right now — it's normal. You have nothing to be ashamed about. Your loving and you're hurting — it's normal. But I assure you, daughter of mine. You'll find the same kind of love I found in your father someday. Not right now, but some day. It may be years from now. Or weeks. Or days, even. But you'll find it. I know you will..."

The mother-daughter duo shared a smile that warmed both of their hearts. Her chocolate brown eyes watched as her mother pressed her forehead next to hers and continued.

"The love you have for this boy — who ever he is — is hurting you, my child. I'm not asking you to stop loving him. It's hard, that I know. But I'm asking you to stop this..."

Confusion filled her body. What did her mother mean? Stop this? Stop what? What did she do? Her questions were answered not long after as her mother continued.

"Stop purposely hurting yourself. Stop pushing everyone away. Stop isolating yourself. Stop trying to lock it all in. It's not healthy."

Wide chocolate brown eyes stared at determined blue ones as her mother continued.

"Love is hurting you, I know. But that doesn't give you any reason to hurt yourself more by doing all of that. By isolating yourself. By keeping it all in..."

Tears of frustration gathered in her eyes as she continued to listen.

"Stop being so brave..."

With blurry eyes, she watched as her mother close her own pair of eyes and kiss her in the forehead before whispering the words that hit her right in her feelings.

"It's okay to let it all out, Madelaine..."

Tears left her eyes and cascaded down her cheeks without her permission as she finally let herself cry — not for him or for the fact that he wasn't hers but for her and the fact that she was hurting. And it felt good. For the first time in what felt like forever, she was crying for herself — she wasn't crying over him. The feeling was so phenomenal that she couldn't believe it. She let out a watery laugh and sent her mother a shaky smile through her tears.

"Thank you..."

She meant it. She really did. Without her mother and her words of wisdom and comfort, she would still be crying over him and not realizing that she was hurting herself. Her mother made her realize what she was too sad to realize on her own and for that, she was grateful.

"There's no need to thank me, child."

Oh but there was. Her mother was just too humble to realize that. But she didn't argue. She didn't feel like it. So instead, she just nodded her head and continued to hug her mother, feeling grateful for having a woman like her in her life.

Unknown to the both of them, it was in that moment that Madelaine took her first step in her road to healing. It was in that moment that she realized that sure, the fact the he wasn't hers still stung but that doesn't mean she had too beat herself over it. It was in that moment that she started to accept that he wasn't hers and for once, the thought didn't make her cry. In fact, it made her feel as if a weight in her shoulders had been released. It felt great.

After all, Acceptance is a start.

I had too.... Sorry not sorry

“Just because someone is smiling doesn't automatically mean that they're happy. All smiles have a story behind it.”

— Mirajane Ross (OC) to Jeremy Alex (OC) after Jeremy questioned why she kept on smiling even after something terrible happened to her

"You must understand. If you want to be my friend, you must first know Harry Potter and love it. After that, you can become my friend but even then, you will have to learn and accept that I will, whether you like it or not, text you, rant to you, go in a deep conversation with you, cry to you, debate with you, fangirl to you about HP. If you can't endure this, then hun, don't even try to befriend me."

— Me when someone tells me they want to be my friend

"Who knew that loving you would be the death of me?"

— Day 1 of loving him

"Here's to knowing you'll never love me back!"

— Day 4 of knowing he doesn't like me but also the day where joking started to appear