Story Of My Life - Tumblr Posts
"I'm in love with the one man I can't have but most importantly, I'm in love with the man who my best friend fell for."
— A friend and I in High school upon coming into a realization that we were, in fact, in love with someone we couldn't have
S t a n d i n g w i t h
n o c h a n c e
━━━━━━━ ✧･ﾟ: ✧･ﾟ:**:･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ✧ ━━━━━━━
Her chocolate brown eyes stared at the pair with it's usual twinkle gone. The girl watched the pair interact and thought of how, no matter how much she willed it to be, she wasn't in the spot she oh so wished to be.
"Are you alright?"
The question was simple, she knew that, but that didn't stop her from thinking over her answer. Was she alright? Truly? Honestly? She didn't know, which was odd, even for her. She always seemed to know everything — reason as to why many people would go to her when in need, most of them being for academic purposes — but for once, she didn't know the answer to a seemingly simple question when, in fact, it wasn't. Not for her, anyway. She stared at the pair as she continued to contemplate her answer. Her brown eyes watched as the pair stared at each other with tender eyes, the sight killing her inside. Her brown eyes moved to stare at the ground beneath her as she felt her eyes watering. She willed herself to stop crying. After all, she had no right to. He wasn't hers and she knew that. He chose the girl he stared at with tender eyes, not her. But who was she to blame him? She wasn't nearly as wonderful as the girl he chose. She wasn't as pretty as the beautiful brunette sitting next to him. She was smart, yes, but the girl was smarter — she just didn't show it that much. The girl had so many talents — she can sing, dance, play an instrument, play sports, and she's smart — and she? What does she have? That's right. She only has smarts. She may be the supposed smartest out of their class but she knew that she wasn't. There was a lot of other people that was smarter than her — the amount of loses in a competition she has says so — but they didn't parade this. Not like her. Smarts was the only thing she had. So it didn't come of as a surprise to her that he chose the girl beside him and not her. She was nothing compared to the girl he chose. But that didn't stop her from crying. It didn't stop the tears from falling. But it also didn't stop him from choosing the other girl, not her. With a sniffle, she glanced back up only to be met with two concerned pair of eyes. Both of them belonging to the pair she was staring at and thinking about not even a minute ago. One of them was a beautiful azure color, belonging to the girl she oh so wished to be, while the other? It was a pair of beautiful hazel eyes that belonged to the boy she longed to be able to call hers.
She sent a small, shaky smile at the pair before looking away, trying to ignore the way he continued to stare at her with concerned eyes even after the girl he claimed as his tried to get his attention. She blinked back the tears that managed to build itself in her eyes because it hurts. It hurts to know that she wasn't his. That he won't look at her the way he does with the girl beside him. That he would never know about all of this. Her feelings, to be more specific. That he'll always see her as a little sister and not as a lover. Her heart broke for what felt like the millionth time at the thought before she looked straight at the eyes of the person who asked her the question she didn't have an answer to.
"Yeah..."
No...
"I'm fine..."
I'm not...
"Don't worry about it..."
But I won't tell...
"Everything's just fine."
Because I'm afraid you won't care.
Her answer was so stupid it was funny. How did she expect them to believe her when she didn't even remotely look okay? Her eyes were red, her nose was puffy, and her breathing was quite noticeable. But they didn't pry. They never did. And she appreciated that — even when it hurt — as she didn't know what to say to them if they asked. It wasn't as if they knew. She never told anyone her feelings. Her eyes unknowingly flickered to the girl who was already staring at her with sympathetic eyes and a small smile that she returned half-heartedly. The girl wasn't the beautiful brunette she longed to be but rather a short-haired brunette with beautiful hazel eyes that was also in the same predicament as her but this time of another couple. Her chocolate brown eyes glanced at the other couple in the vicinity that the short-haired girl was staring at a while ago before glancing back at the said girl. The two girls shared a smile of self-pity before the chocolate brown eyed girl glanced back at the pair she was staring at a while ago. She watched them interact for a few moments before turning back to her friends and smiling — the smile not reaching her eyes but no one noticed, no one but the short-haired girl who understood her.
"Let's go."
With those words, she left the area wishing that she could leave her feelings as easily as she walked out. Wishing that the boy she longed for didn't stare at her while she left knowing that her heart swelled with hope she knew was false. Wishing that she wasn't in the very same predicament she was now. Wishing she was a better person. Wishing he had chosen her, even if he didn't know she was an option to begin with. Wishing that she'd move on already. Wishing that she didn't need to cry tears for him. Wishing her feelings would just disappear and leave her alone.
Wishing that she wasn't...
Standing with no chance.
When it all began
Standing with no chance, Part 2
She stared at the piece of paper in front of her with a contemplative look in her chocolate brown eyes. She fiddle with the bullpen in her left hand as she contemplated on what she was supposed to write. Pieces of crumpled paper can be seen behind her, showing that she'd started writing for quite a while now but was never satisfied at the result of her writing — honestly, when was she ever satisfied with her writing? Never, that was the answer. An annoyed sigh escaped her plumb lips as yet another minute had passed of her merely staring at the blank piece of paper. What was she even doing? That's right. She was writing a letter to him even though she'll probably never show it to him — she never did. She thought back to the amount of letters she'd written just for him, all of which she hid in a box that was never to be touched by anyone lest it be her. She ran a hand through her long, messy hair and sighed yet again. No words seem to be coming into her mind at the moment and, as on can tell, it was starting to frustrate her. Biting her lip as a way to show her frustration, she continued to stare at the blank piece of paper as if it was her greatest enemy.
A melodious laugh reached her ears just as she was about to give up writing the letter. Curious, she turned her head to spy on whoever released the laugh only to regret it as the sight before her met her now dull chocolate brown eyes, the annoyance quickly fleeing from it. The sight was that of the pair she had stared at all the time as school laughing together and leaning closely to one another with a goofy, adorable smile on her face. Oh how she wished to be at the receiving end of the smile of the boy in the pair. The boy which she was writing the letter for. The boy which she oh so foolishly fell in love with. The boy who made her have butterflies in her stomach at the mere thought of him. Her eyes welled up yet again with another round of tears which she quickly wiped. No! She wasn't going to cry over him. Not again. Not when she doesn't have the privilege to. She was tired. Tired of her constantly pinning over him when he was already taken — by a beautiful, talented brunette at that. She didn't want it anymore. She wanted the feeling gone. The pain was too much for her to bear. And so, with new vigor in her, she looked away from the pair and back at the blank piece of paper that wasn't going to be blank anymore. The words came flooding in her mind like water falling from a dam. Her hands were quick in writing down the words, afraid that it would escape her mind if she wrote it down a second to late. Her hand danced around the not so blank piece of paper as if it was a ballerina doing a pirouette.
To the guy who will never be mine,
Why? Why do you have to do this to me? Why did you have to steal my heart only for you to break it into a thousand pieces? Pieces which, by the way, I'm still trying to collect. But, of course, I can never blame you. Not because I'm to head over heels for you but rather because it wasn't your fault to begin with. It wasn't your fault that I fell in love with you. It wasn't your fault that I fell for you stupid smile and stupid laugh. It wasn't your fault that, suddenly, you were all that I can think about. It wasn't your fault that I fell in love with your stupid quirks and your stupid looks. It wasn't your fault that I fell head over heels with you even though I knew that you were already taken, unofficially at the time but it was still obvious. No, it wasn't. It was mine. You never intended to make me fall for you but I did it anyway. And now, I want to fix it. I want to move on from you because it hurts. Hurts to see another girl in your arms when I wanted the girl to be me. Hurts to see you love a girl that isn't me — don't worry, I don't blame you, I'm sure that the girl you love is a wonderful girl and far more better than yours truly. I hope that, by the time you're reading this — if you ever read it, that is — I had moved on. It would be hard, I know, especially because you are so dear to me, but I will, move on that is.
You're probably wondering how I fell in love with you — when I fell in love with you, aren't you? You're probably thinking about how and when it all began, right? Truth to be told, I never really knew when it began or how it began. I never knew when my feelings for you began but I knew when it blossomed into something more — when a crush turned into love. It was actually when we were in High school...
•••
Her chocolate brown eyes scanned the area with an annoyed glint in them. A sigh escaped her lips as yet another minute passed by of her standing outside a classroom, obviously waiting for someone. Her eyes glanced down at the watch she had decided to wear on her hand and couldn't help but let out a groan. It's been over fifteen minutes and whoever she was waiting for was still not there. She couldn't believe she was even waiting for him when she knew she didn't have to. Damn her feelings. Her chocolate brown eyes narrowed at nothing in particular as if it was something she loathed.
"What did the air do to you?"
Not the least bit startled at the sudden question, she let her eyes wander around the hallway before it settled on the sheepish boy in front of her, wearing the usual school uniform. She couldn't help but notice how his face seemed to glisten under the light and sighed, knowing that the boy was sweating from either running or from whatever activity he did during gym class — she knew that he had gym class before their meeting as she had gotten quite used to his schedule and unknowingly memorized it — but knowing him, it was probably both.
"Shut up."
"Okay, princess."
Her eyes twitched with irritation at the nickname she, rather unfortunately, gained from him. Her hands formed a fist for a second before she let it go and flexed her hand, not wanting to get in trouble for murder of a student, even if the thought was so tempting.
"How many times have I told you to not call me that?" Before she could add more in her sentence, she was, quite rudely, interrupt by the very same boy she was scolding. "Clearly not enough since I'm still doing it," He spoke only to raise his hands in surrender at the glare that was sent his way — he knew just how scary the girl can be and didn't want to experience it, again.
"I hate you—"
"No you don't."
"Don't test me." Her glare was so strong it was scary. The boy mimed zipping his tongue as he continued to raise his hands in surrender — at least he knew when to keep his mouth shut. "Whatever you say, princess." She takes back what she said. With a glare and half a mind to murder the boy, she dropped one of the bags she was carrying near his feet before turning around and leaving.
"Oh — don't be like that!"
"..."
"Oh, so, you're ignoring me now?"
"..."
"Come on! I'll buy you candy, I promise!"
"...They better be good..."
"Ha! Yes!"
She let a smile form on her face as she listened to him cheering behind her, still walking away. Her heart swelled knowing that he was probably raising and pumping his hand up in the air like the idiot he is. What she didn't know at the time was the butterflies in her stomach growing stronger. Or how that simple, stupid moment was the day when it all began. When a crush she had yet to even discover at the time — she always ignored the soft butterflies in her stomach and passed it off as being sick — turned into something more. Something like love.
•••
...I never knew at the time that I was falling in love with you nor did I know when I fell in love with you. I just found out when you told me — told us — that you had found the one. The one you're sure to spend the rest of your life with. It's just unfortunate that it wasn't me — it never had been and never will be, as far as I could tell.
Tears fell from her eyes against her will as she stared at the last sentence, knowing that it was true. She didn't even know why she was crying. After all, she always knew that they would never happen but, nonetheless, it hurts. She guessed that by reading the sentence she wrote down — reading the truth — had just confirmed her deepest fear, one that, despite knowing of it, she was never ready to face. Reading the sentence made her heart break even more and she cursed it all. She cursed faith for doing this to her. She cursed the fact that she had to fall in love, with the boy who only saw her as a little sister figure no less. She cursed the fact that, even if she wanted to, she can't move on. She wants to move on, she does, she really does, but her heart won't let her. At least not yet. Maybe, after a few months or, if fate really hates her, a few years, her heart will let her move on but for now, she was stuck. She was stuck in an endless pit she didn't even want to be stuck in, in the first place. Stuck in an endless pit people call "Falling in love". Honestly, if falling in love was always going to be this hard, she doesn't want it. She'd rather die alone than fall in love with someone who will never love her back because she's tired. Tired of the pain of it all. Tired of the constant suffering she had to endure. Tired of all of this. Tired of falling in love. She knew she might have sounded petty but who can blame her? She was hurting and love was the cause of it. Why wouldn't she hate love? Especially when it caused her the most pain?
Wiping her tears away, she stared at her shaking hands and let out an empty chuckle that was so empty it hurt everyone who heard it — which was not a lot, mind you. Glancing back up at the pair she glanced at just before she started writing, she watched them, yet again, interact and with it came the breaking of her heart. She wondered if love would always be like this. Filled with pain and suffering. So unlike the love she let herself believe in. Unlike the love she read about in the many books she'd read. Or maybe love wasn't all that bad. Maybe it just hates her for no particular reason. But maybe love was really a good thing. Maybe she just hadn't found the right person to give her the love she deserves yet.
"Why are you crying?"
The question didn't startle her. It was a question she received so much as of late but she never really gave a proper answer to it. Like right now. She ignored the person who asked her the question and merely stared at the couple with blank, empty eyes and no longer crying. She stared at them interact and wondered, for the last time that day, if maybe, just maybe, love wasn't all that bad. After all, they said that first love was always the hardest love. Maybe that was it. But then again, it was only a maybe. Only a possibility. But she didn't down herself any longer, she didn't want to. Her chocolate brown eyes glanced at the person who asked her the question with a blank face to go with her empty eyes.
"Why shouldn't I be?"
And with that, she stood up and gathered her belongings. She left not even a moment later and ignored the curious and concerned eyes that was set on her back. It was weird for them. To see her be so empty. Of course, she had never been the most filled with life of the lot but she was never do empty as she was then. Her friends made sure of that. So, to see her like that, to see her so empty, broke their hearts but there was nothing they could do. She was so deep into the endless pit that they feared they would never see the smiling girl they came to love ever again. And that scared them.
Said girl stopped in her footsteps in the middle of the hallway as she sighed, remembering something that made her annoyance grow.
She never got to finish her letter.
"It's funny how you think that I'll go back to you after what you did. Face it, hun. I'm over you — you mean nothing to me anymore. Wasn't that what you wanted?"
— Amélie Lafayette (OC) to her ex after he tried to get back together with her
"You must understand. If you want to be my friend, you must first know Harry Potter and love it. After that, you can become my friend but even then, you will have to learn and accept that I will, whether you like it or not, text you, rant to you, go in a deep conversation with you, cry to you, debate with you, fangirl to you about HP. If you can't endure this, then hun, don't even try to befriend me."
— Me when someone tells me they want to be my friend
"Will we ever reconnect again or will we stay as strangers?"
— Amelia Rose (OC) to her old friends
"Trust me, hun. I know how it feels."
— Madelaine Ross (OC) to her little sister when said sister cried out that she (Madelaine) didn't know how it felt to be heartbroken
Teacher: Okay class! The next word is Dizzard! Go!
My classmates: *writes down what they think the spelling of the word is*
Me: *does the same*
Me:
My classmates:
Teacher:
Me: You're a dizzard, Harry
The person who I sat next to, the one everyone says looks like Harry: *dies of silent laughter*
My friends: *shaking their head, totally done with my Potterhead-edness*
"Did you just... Avada Kedavra me, you ho?"
— Me to my friends after they said one of the Unforgivable curses to me
My family and I: *in the car, going home*
My parents: *talking about what to eat when we get home*
My brothers and I: *trying not to fall asleep*
My mom: *turns around to us* Do you want your bread with butter or not?
Me: with butter!!!!!
My brothers: *nods in agreement*
My father: *scoffs and goes on a short rant about how butter takes away the glory of bread*
My mom: That's how it is for millennials, dear
My siblings and I: We're Generation Z, mother!!!!!!!
My father: *goes on a slight rant about millennials*
My brothers:
Me:
My mother:
One of my brothers: OK, boomer
Me: *starts laughing uncontrollably*
My parents: *doesn't know what to do*
My other brother: *shakes his head at the two of us*
"I'm not crying because of what happened. I'm crying because no one cared."
— Me at the moment
"Are you stupid?!"
She flinched at the condescending tone her mother used when she yelled at her. Her eyes lost it's life and the twinkle that she always seemed to have as she bowed her head in shame, not even bothering to speak up for herself. Tears that she blamed on the fact she was holding back a sneeze even though she knew it was for so much more threatened to fall in her eyes yet she refused to let them fall. She wasn't going to look weak, not when her mother yelled at her for her stupidity. You see, her mother tasked her with the chore to water the plants in their garden and though she managed to do the job correctly, she failed to do one thing. One of their carpets was on the garden drying off after her mother washed it and instead of grabbing the heavy carpet and putting it somewhere else before watering the plants, she chose to merely continue watering the plants and ignoring the carpet, doing her best to not wet it but of course, her attempt was futile as she managed to wet the carpet which then leads to why her mother was yelling at her now.
"You could have at least moved the carpet away or asked one of your brothers to! You stupid child!"
She bit her tongue to stop herself from talking back to her mother knowing that it will only lead to her getting punished. It wasn't as if she didn't try to move the carpet because she did, try that is. She just didn't manage to move the carpet because she was sick and her thighs hurt from the dance practice her class had two days ago plus she wasn't that strong to lift the heavy carpet easily. And she did want to ask one of her brothers to move the carpet for her but she didn't because of two reasons. One, both of them were busy and she knew they would get mad if she interrupted them and two, she feared that they would mock her for not being able to lift the carpet easily as they could. It was stupid, she knew that. No one could have expected her to lift the carpet easily when she was sick and her thigh hurt. But her brother always had the tendency to mock her for every little mistake she did, comparing her to themselves when they were her age. Didn't get ace an exam? They'd have called her stupid and said that when they were her age, they aced their tests easily. Even though she knew some of what they said were false as acing a test isn't a walk in the park, it still hurt because despite not acting like it, she looks up to her brother's a lot and to hear them mock her hurts. Speaking of her brothers, she glanced at them to find them ignoring what was happening as if it was a normal thing which it kinda was but that didn't mean it hurt less. In fact, it seemed to hurt more.
"Why don't you just think for once in your life?"
Her eyes glanced back at her yelling mother before looking back down at the floor in shame, wishing someone would stand up for her the way she was too cowardly to do so. She took a shaky breath as she tried to calm down her nerves, not wanting to break down in front of her mother. It was always like that for her. She always seemed to hide her true feelings from her family. Never protesting against them or trying to fight back. She didn't show them her tears or her pain. She didn't tell them how she felt about the way her parents always seemed to expect her to be perfect even though she wasn't. She didn't utter a protest against them when they forced her to study nor when they took her phone to make her focus on her study more. There are times, though. Times that she would protest but it was only ever uttered in a quiet whisper. Even then, her mother would hear her and scold her for talking back to her even though she only just uttered a small apology. This was one of those times.
"I'm sorry —"
"I don't want to hear it. I expected better from you."
There it was again. The expectation placed on her shoulders — on her thirteen year old shoulders. She bowed her head further feeling more ashamed than she had ever been. She didn't tell her mother how she can screw off because how can she expect a thirteen year old teenage highschool girl to be a perfect girl? She also didn't utter a word about how unfair her mother was being to her. After all, her brothers had no expectations placed on them when they were her age. Was it because she was a girl? If so, she can screw off. Yet she did not say any of these opting to stay silent and endure the verbal abuse. She wanted to ignore it. Ignore the name calling and the mean words. Ignore how her brothers stayed quiet and not do anything to help her. Ignore how her father wasn't here to calm her mother down since he was in the other side of the world. Ignore the pain. Ignore the hurt. Just everything. Yet she knew that she couldn't. Her mind refused to let her have the bliss of tuning out the harsh words yelled at her by the very same woman who bore her.
"Get out of my face. I don't want to see you."
And just like that, she maneuvered around her mother and left the room walking like she normally did. Her head looking straight ahead, her back straight, and no emotion on her face.
Don't show them how your hurting. Stay strong. Have no emotion. Stand straight. Don't let them know their words hurt you. Those were her rules and she'd be damned if she broke one of them, especially after a verbal attack from mother dearest.
She went up the stairs of her house and to the upstairs living room. She turned the fan on before staring straight ahead of her — she could see their neighborhood from the window in front of her — knowing what was about to happen. She wasn't able to close her eyes when it happened. When the tears started to fall. Even though she knew it was going to happen, she still cursed herself before going to one of the two bathrooms upstairs not bothering to off the fan as she knew one of her brothers would go upstairs any minute now. She turned on the lights and locked the bathroom door before she stood in front of the bathroom mirror taking in the view in front of her. As expected, she looked horrible. Her eyes were red as was her nose. Her normally olive pale skin had a red tint on them. Tears continued to fall from her face as she wiped then off rapidly. Her breathing was visible yet she still did her best to be quiet not wanting anyone to hear her. Not wanting anyone to know that she was crying. Her hands gripped the sides of the sink, her tears ceasing to fall for the time being, as she chuckled to herself in a self-deprecating way.
Look at you, she thought to herself as she stared back at her reflection with her tears falling yet again. So pathetic, she belittled herself. Why are you crying over such a little thing? She asked herself even though she knew that it wasn't a little thing. Being yelled at by your mother over a mistake you did isn't a little thing, not for her. Being called stupid and moronic isn't a little thing. Watching your brothers ignore you and not stand up for you when you're being yelled at isn't a little thing. Being verbally attacked isn't a little thing. Having big expectations placed on you and being yelled at for not being able to live up to it isn't a little thing. Yet she still thought it was. Why? Because she knew that someone out there had it rougher than her even though she knew it wasn't a good enough reason for her to belittle herself and deprive herself from the bliss of loving herself. It seemed that nothing that she did or thought was good enough. Not to her and especially not to her family.
She recalled how her friends encouraged her to stand up for herself against her parents the way she stands up for herself and for her friends against anyone who dared hurt them yet she couldn't bring herself to. She wasn't courageous enough and every time she did try to, she would either manage to get yelled at or talk herself out of it saying things such as her parents were hurt, they didn't mean it, they loved her for herself, they were just disappointed and didn't mean to yell at her. She always gave excuses for their actions even when their actions had gone too far. She never went against her family and maybe it wasn't for the best. After all, would it really be the best to simply opting to stay silent and not stand up for herself when she always somehow managed to cry herself to sleep or fool herself of a life she knew was far out of her reach? It wasn't yet she couldn't bring herself to go against them. Maybe one day they'd realize and things would change. It was unlikely yet she let her thirteen year old self to believe that. She let herself have hope even though she knew that she would hurt herself deeply when — if she finds out her hope of a better life wasn't going to happen.
She took a shaky breath before staring at her no longer crying self at the mirror. "You got this..." She whispered to herself as quiet as she could with a shaky voice. Her eyes blinked a few times before she nodded at her reflection as if approving the way her tears were no longer falling even though it was still quite obvious that she had. "Be strong..." She couldn't afford to have herself be in a weak state, especially in front of her family. She was always like that. She always took everything with a calm yet empty look on her face and never showed any of her pain. She wasn't a fan of crying in front of her family and/or her classmates. They knew her as the smart, kind, polite, hardworking, understanding, helpful yet also funny, goofy, not afraid of causing trouble, always in her own little world, and geeky girl who has a lot of memes in her disposal, likes to read books a lot, and a teacher's pet. They knew her as the facade she built in order to hide her pain and so, letting them see her cry would have ruined the image she built up. It was normal for a girl to cry but for them, for the people that knew her, it would be weird for them to see her openly sob her eyes out. "Don't let them see your tears..." She stared before opening the tap and washing her face in hopes to make the fact that she had been crying not so noticeable. It worked but only just slightly. It was still noticeable but it wouldn't be for long, she'd make sure of that. She then continued to stare at her reflection. Staring at the girl who had obviously been crying and whose eyes screamed for help despite the lack of life in them.
Walk out and act like nothing happened.
And that she did as she finally opened the door of the bathroom and walked out to see one of her brother on the living room sitting like she had expected. His eyes found hers as they continued to stare at each other even when she started to move towards his direction. They didn't say anything. They never did. It was a silent agreement between the three siblings that none of them would mess with each others affairs lest it be necessary. Despite the fact her brothers mocked her all the chance they get, she knew that some of their words were lies and just jokes. She just didn't know how much of it were just that. Lies and jokes. She was sure that he took notice of her still red eyes and slightly red nose but said nothing. He hadn't before so why start now? She was the first to break eye contact as she neared him and grabbed her phone that was charging before leaving the room and into her own.
She was tempted to close the door yet she didn't as she had a feeling that one of them would go into her room and out into the terrace her room was connected to. She glanced at her bed and contemplated laying down and resting after what happened but decided against it. Her feet carried her to her study desk that had her current project in display and a bunch of materials as well as one book and a monitor, mouse, and printer. She sat down on the chair before opening the drawer of her study desk to find the keyboard. She played with the keys for a bit before she closed the drawer and opted to place her feet on the space on her desk, feeling grateful that her mother was too busy cooking downstairs to go to her room and scold her for her choice of sitting.
For a few moments, she just simply stated at nothing as she pondered on what would happen next. She knew that after a few minutes her mother would have already calmed down enough for her to not be berated during dinner which she was grateful for but she also knew that her mother wouldn't apologize and it hurt. Knowing that her mother wouldn't apologize to her after all that she said — nay yelled at her hurt. It hurt but she'll get over it. She had to. She also knew that it would be just like before her mother's outburst. Pretending that nothing's wrong, pretending that their latest argument — or really her mother's latest outburst didn't happen, pretending that she was alright when she really wasn't, and putting back the same old facade she built years ago when her mother finally decided to put a huge amount of expectations on her daughter's shoulders — on her shoulders. The facade that everyone seemed to fall for. Even her friends and family. Sure, her friends knew that she wasn't alright but that was only because she told them about it. She doubted that they would have found out about her situation if she hadn't told them but that might just have been the doubt in her mind that her friends actually cared for her. Her mind reminded her of their little get together yesterday. One of her friends who was a year below her and her two best friends decided to ask all of them — all of her friends including her — to go hang out with her, the birthday celebrant, in the mall to celebrate her birthday. Most of them agreed, she had too. The few that weren't allowed to go were one of her two best friends and their friend who really couldn't go because her parents were strict on her in a protective way. After all, they had planned on going to a far place so it would take an hour or so for them to go home which would then mean that they would be going home at night. Her best friend that wasn't allowed to go said that she had to go to a funeral that day and wouldn't be able to go to their get together / hangout party and that was alright for them. She, on the other hand, didn't even need to ask her parents to know that she would probably not even allowed to go even though she promised she would. Even though she wanted to. Days before their planned hangout, she told her friends that she wouldn't be able to go as her mother was slightly angry at her. She apologized to the birthday celebrant and after a while, she and her best friend that wasn't coming continued to joke that they would have a get together of their own because they weren't coming. But then, the day of the get together came and that was when she realized that her best friend who said she wouldn't be able to go had lied. Their group chat that day was silent and when she asked where they were they revealed that they met some of their friends at school — one of which were her old crush — and that her best friend that said she wouldn't go was there and to say that she was hurt was an understatement. It was petty and she didn't really know why she was hurt or angry but she supposed it was because her best friend had lied to her. Fooled her into believing that she wouldn't be alone in feeling left out because it was obvious that they had a lot of fun and had many funny moments that she wouldn't be able to relate to. Maybe it was because she felt like she was growing apart from her friends? Maybe. After all, her two best friends were together and they had a hangout of their own — it was before they got together — so she felt left out. Her other friends? She wasn't really close to them and she never really knew what they felt about her.
After that, she told everyone not to text her because she was being petty and she was beginning to regret that now. She didn't have anyone to talk to. Sure, she could just talk to her friends and apologize but she felt so ashamed because she knew that her friends would ask her why she told them to not text her or communicate with her in any way and she didn't know what she would say. Sure, she had her online friends but it wouldn't be the same as they don't know her the same personal way her friends did. Her eyes looked up at the ceiling of her room as she wondered where it all went wrong. Where her simple life became so...so... so complicated. Where her life changed, for better or for worse? She didn't know. Her eyes flickered to her phone and then to her earphones before smiling softly. If there was one thing that never change though was the fact that music always seemed to cheer her up. And so, with that, she opened her phone and plugged in her earphones before going to her musics and pressing shuffle play.
Her eyes closed as the music she knew all to well started to blast in her ears in a way that calmed her down. In a way that made her forget of all the problems she had. Of all the drama. In a way that made her feel like she wasn't alone. That there's an end to this rough road that she took.
"It feels like they're coming at me, from all sides
It feels like I've got nowhere to run, nowhere to hide
It feels like I'm never good enough
It feels like I'm always just trying
Sometimes I feel like I should give up
And sometimes I feel like I'm dying."
Her eyes fluttered open as she smiled a bittersweet smile at just how the song was so relatable. She opened her mouth and started to quietly sing the chorus of the song to herself.
"I'm falling to pieces but nobody knows
I'm falling to pieces but won't let it show
I'm hanging from Parasails that are wearing out
I'm crashing down as my dreams fade out
I've been falling to pieces for what feels like forever
Can somebody put me back together?"
Before she could continue however, her other brother came in her room and as she expected, went outside to the terrace. She stared at his form before quieting down and putting back her calm, apathetic facade. She exited her music app and saw that she received a message from their class group chat. Curious, she opened the bubble and read the message in the photo messaged to them by their class secretary.
The message was clear. There are no classes tomorrow and for that, she was grateful. Even though it meant she'd have to endure her mother longer than usual, it meant that she'd be given the time to sort out her feelings for her friends — more specifically, for her best friend who had the nerve to lie to them. Confrontations weren't her strong suit and she knew that if there had been school tomorrow, she would have been confronted and wasn't quite fond of the idea. Her mother barely confronts her with anything and her brothers didn't really care about what she does so she knew that there would be no confrontations from her family. They would all just pretend nothing is wrong. It wasn't right and it hurt but she was used to it and if she hadn't, she would have gotten used to it.
She heard her mother calling for them for supper and stood up immediately. She paused her music and put down her phone before leaving the room, feeling better than when she has entered. Sure, she wasn't in the best of moods as she didn't really feel anything when she left — she wasn't happy, she wasn't upset, she wasn't angry, she was just neutral — but it was better than being upset and showing her mother that her words affected her.
So long as she didn't do anything stupid tomorrow, things will be just fine. She knew that she'd have to face the issue of her friends sooner rather than later but after her mother's outburst, she wasn't really in the mood for being confronted by her friends so soon after said outburst. She also knew that she can't just keep on delaying herself from confronting her problems but right now, she was worn out from crying and being yelled out. Right now she'll let herself have the bliss of time. She'll let herself pick herself up before she does anything else. For now, she'll heal and she'll be better. She had to be. It was what her family expected from her and despite their harsh words and their indifference, they were still her family and she'd be damned if she failed them. Maybe one day things will be better. Maybe one day she won't have to live with the fear of failing her family. Maybe one day she'll no longer feel left out and forgotten by her friends. Maybe one day she'll be able to show her true emotions. Maybe one day she'll be able to think back to this as something that was so long ago. Maybe one day she'll be a better person. Maybe one day she'll see her worth. Maybe one day she'll be able to love herself for herself. But those were only maybes and might not happen. Even then, she'll let herself have hope. After all, losing hope will be the moment she gave up and she doesn't plan on giving up so soon. Not when she can help it.
—
"You're stronger than you think you are. Don't sell yourself short. I'll get through this and so will you..."
— From one broken warrior to another
"Every once in a while, I feel sad that no one cares about what I write then I channel that sadness into motivation and continue writing."
— Life as an author
So I cant find the post that initially got me thinking about this, but on the topic of Julie making Luke a better writer:
We see 2 Sunset Curve songs that Luke wrote pre-Julie. Now or Never and Bright. He edited Bright a little before he gave it to her, and we only hear it in full when she's performing it, but I think the core of it was basically unchanged. Now or Never and Bright are both good songs, they're fun to listen to and they're technically well done (by which I mean that the technical aspects are all well-executed). But they're also..... kinda generic?
Like not in a bad way necessarily, but the theme of both is kinda that "Life is awesome"/"I'm awesome"/"Don't underestimate me" teenagerness that's kinda default in a way -- music I wrote in my tween/teen years had the same vibes. And I kinda think that you end up with that vibe when you're feeling a lot but you don't really know how to express it in a way that will connect with other people. We know Luke was feeling a lot because we also see Unsaid Emily, which he wrote pre-Julie but notably not for Sunset Curve to perform. Unsaid Emily is for himself and his mom. Given the time to think about it, he knows what he wants to say and knows how to say it in his song. And Unsaid Emily turns out great, in that gutting, punch-to-the-heart way.
Basically, Luke pre-Julie had the potential to write great, emotional songs, but he shied away from writing those songs with the intention of performing them. For performances, he focused on less heavy themes with a broader, more general appeal, and on hyping up audiences and encouraging people. (btw we see echoes of this a bit too in the scene on the beach where the boys end up playing This Band Is Back -- Luke's trying to cheer them up, focus less on what they lost and more on what they still have as opposed to processing their grief because then there would be Emotions and our boy does not know what to do with sad people.)
Julie-and-Luke songs are a whole different breed to Luke's pre-Julie music. There are a lot of similarities, what with Luke, Reggie, and Alex's involvement, particularly in the level of energy. They're not writing slow ballads or swingy showtunes. It's still the same style of music, but the big difference to me is the amount of emotion and emotional nuance in Julie-era music.
Finally Free is also about breaking out of the mold -- but it's triumphant and celebratory and inwardly-focused where Bright was defiant, more about making your own mark than about being true to yourself.
Edge of Great is also about envisioning the road ahead -- but it's hopeful and about the faith and wonder at the future where Now or Never is an insistence that life isn't gonna stop you from doing what you want.
Pre-Julie, Luke's songs are pushing back against an undefined opposing force (and like, his parents on some level) but he doesn't really put any of his own feelings into them. He's angry, and the anger is where he's drawing from but it doesn't actually inspire him.
But with Julie? Julie's songs dig deeper into her feelings, and I think she writes them for herself more than for others (esp. compared to Luke's pre-Julie music). She doesn't shy away from grief or fear (Flying Solo, Stand Tall) but she always turns it around by the end of the song, makes the song about growth rather than about the sucky parts of life. Flying Solo is inspired by her fear of losing Flynn, but the song itself is an ode to friendship. Stand Tall has a definite basis in how Julie thought she wasn't going to be able to make music without her mom, but it reaches everybody else because it's ultimately about overcoming obstacles and loss.
(and not to make this too sappy, but julie's the reason that luke can connect with people in the end -- not because she makes him visible but because she shows him how to actually use his emotions in his music. luke helps julie get back on her feet after her mom's death, and julie convinces luke to wear his heart on his sleeve instead of trying to hide it every time it falls out of his pocket)
Kitkat commercials: 🎵Break me off a piece of that Kitkat bar🎵
Me: Bitch I paid good money for this get your own Kitkat bar I’m not fucking sharing.
🎶The story of my life🎶
I don't EVER reblog, but, this is essentially the story of my life... So, there it is... Haha
Sometimes all I wanna do is make out and cuddle. Someone come over plz
That feel when
the lecture is actually interesting, but you’re adhd is like ‘nahhh’