"One Of These Days, I'll Be Able To Say 'I Don't Love You Like That' And Mean It But For Now, I'm Suffering"

"One of these days, I'll be able to say 'I don't love you like that' and mean it but for now, I'm suffering"

— Day 5 of suffering from loving you but also the day I came to terms with everything

"Here's to knowing you'll never love me back!"

— Day 4 of knowing he doesn't like me but also the day where joking started to appear

I just found out that my brothers and I have something in common after all, except for our love of anime and food.

What is it you may ask?

It's randomly singing Hamilton songs to our classmates. While my eldest brother just plays the music at random times to his classmates, my other brother and I actually sing it. He sings "What'd I miss? " while I sing all the songs but "Alexander Hamilton" being the most sung.

I think our parents are annoyed of us now seeing as that we sing the songs at the top of our lungs while dancing VERY weirdly.

Nonetheless, Hamilton has brought my brothers and I closer. Even if it's just a little bit, I am still grateful that I can now turn to my brothers when I feel like talking about Hamilton and not having it awkward like it usually would have been.

Thank you Hamilton Cast for this.

S t a n d i n g w i t h

n o c h a n c e

━━━━━━━  ✧･ﾟ: ✧･ﾟ:**:･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ✧ ━━━━━━━

Her chocolate brown eyes stared at the pair with it's usual twinkle gone. The girl watched the pair interact and thought of how, no matter how much she willed it to be, she wasn't in the spot she oh so wished to be.

"Are you alright?"

The question was simple, she knew that, but that didn't stop her from thinking over her answer. Was she alright? Truly? Honestly? She didn't know, which was odd, even for her. She always seemed to know everything — reason as to why many people would go to her when in need, most of them being for academic purposes — but for once, she didn't know the answer to a seemingly simple question when, in fact, it wasn't. Not for her, anyway. She stared at the pair as she continued to contemplate her answer. Her brown eyes watched as the pair stared at each other with tender eyes, the sight killing her inside. Her brown eyes moved to stare at the ground beneath her as she felt her eyes watering. She willed herself to stop crying. After all, she had no right to. He wasn't hers and she knew that. He chose the girl he stared at with tender eyes, not her. But who was she to blame him? She wasn't nearly as wonderful as the girl he chose. She wasn't as pretty as the beautiful brunette sitting next to him. She was smart, yes, but the girl was smarter — she just didn't show it that much. The girl had so many talents — she can sing, dance, play an instrument, play sports, and she's smart — and she? What does she have? That's right. She only has smarts. She may be the supposed smartest out of their class but she knew that she wasn't. There was a lot of other people that was smarter than her — the amount of loses in a competition she has says so — but they didn't parade this. Not like her. Smarts was the only thing she had. So it didn't come of as a surprise to her that he chose the girl beside him and not her. She was nothing compared to the girl he chose. But that didn't stop her from crying. It didn't stop the tears from falling. But it also didn't stop him from choosing the other girl, not her. With a sniffle, she glanced back up only to be met with two concerned pair of eyes. Both of them belonging to the pair she was staring at and thinking about not even a minute ago. One of them was a beautiful azure color, belonging to the girl she oh so wished to be, while the other? It was a pair of beautiful hazel eyes that belonged to the boy she longed to be able to call hers.

She sent a small, shaky smile at the pair before looking away, trying to ignore the way he continued to stare at her with concerned eyes even after the girl he claimed as his tried to get his attention. She blinked back the tears that managed to build itself in her eyes because it hurts. It hurts to know that she wasn't his. That he won't look at her the way he does with the girl beside him. That he would never know about all of this. Her feelings, to be more specific. That he'll always see her as a little sister and not as a lover. Her heart broke for what felt like the millionth time at the thought before she looked straight at the eyes of the person who asked her the question she didn't have an answer to.

"Yeah..."

No...

"I'm fine..."

I'm not...

"Don't worry about it..."

But I won't tell...

"Everything's just fine."

Because I'm afraid you won't care.

Her answer was so stupid it was funny. How did she expect them to believe her when she didn't even remotely look okay? Her eyes were red, her nose was puffy, and her breathing was quite noticeable. But they didn't pry. They never did. And she appreciated that — even when it hurt — as she didn't know what to say to them if they asked. It wasn't as if they knew. She never told anyone her feelings. Her eyes unknowingly flickered to the girl who was already staring at her with sympathetic eyes and a small smile that she returned half-heartedly. The girl wasn't the beautiful brunette she longed to be but rather a short-haired brunette with beautiful hazel eyes that was also in the same predicament as her but this time of another couple. Her chocolate brown eyes glanced at the other couple in the vicinity that the short-haired girl was staring at a while ago before glancing back at the said girl. The two girls shared a smile of self-pity before the chocolate brown eyed girl glanced back at the pair she was staring at a while ago. She watched them interact for a few moments before turning back to her friends and smiling — the smile not reaching her eyes but no one noticed, no one but the short-haired girl who understood her.

"Let's go."

With those words, she left the area wishing that she could leave her feelings as easily as she walked out. Wishing that the boy she longed for didn't stare at her while she left knowing that her heart swelled with hope she knew was false. Wishing that she wasn't in the very same predicament she was now. Wishing she was a better person. Wishing he had chosen her, even if he didn't know she was an option to begin with. Wishing that she'd move on already. Wishing that she didn't need to cry tears for him. Wishing her feelings would just disappear and leave her alone.

Wishing that she wasn't...

Standing with no chance.

“Just because someone is smiling doesn't automatically mean that they're happy. All smiles have a story behind it.”

— Mirajane Ross (OC) to Jeremy Alex (OC) after Jeremy questioned why she kept on smiling even after something terrible happened to her

I had too.... Sorry not sorry