Why Is It That I Can Write Romance Stories But Cant Identify Romance Personally??? Like I Can See Myself

Why is it that I can write romance stories but can’t identify romance personally??? Like I can see myself doing romantic stuff but without the romance. It’s always been super confusing bc I don’t know if I actually experience romantic attraction. I can do physical attraction, but, like, if romance is all anxiety around the person you like in that way in stuff, that doesn’t make any sense because I’m always anxious. Having watched media that was 90 percent focused on romance my entire life, I don’t really know if I actually want to be in a romantic relationships, because it’s always been fiction to me. To me, it feels imagined because I don’t actually think I’m romantically attracted. And when I see friends with irl relationships I realize I kinda don’t get it?? Like y’all are cute and all, but I struggle to understand actual romance, because I just don’t think I actually experience romantic attraction. And honestly, thinking about it now, I might’ve always mistaken romantic attraction with, like, pure platonic feelings. Because even if romance was supposed to be defined as someone who makes you feel happy, I always feel happy around my friends. Doesn’t mean I’m romantically attracted to them though. If I looked back to all my crushes, it was more physical attraction and an appreciation for their personality, as in a, “I’d hang out with you outside of wherever I met you sort of way” and not an, “I’m attracted to you romantically and in love you” sort of way. Not sure if this makes any sense, but this is just how my brain wrote it out I guess.

Bucky and Loki would be such a cute couple. Imagine...them bonding over knives, and of course the trauma of being found by evil maniacs and turned into someone they're not and also not getting the acceptance they need because everyone around them is to busy judging on the monsters that they were made into, not their past or the fact that they didn't CHOOSE to be monsters. Angsty stuff aside... They'd probably also bond over having to constantly get their respective blonds out of trouble bc they just rush into things like the morons they are(affectionately meant). Theyd both like cats and be nerds, talking about the technological wonders of earth. The relationship would start of slow and a bit rocky, perhaps, but I like to headcanon both of them actually get good therapists(who tf is Raynor? Certainly not a therapist because what the actual hell was that?), and manage to find comfort in each other and heal and get to the point where their relationship is as stable and as healthy as ever. I can imagine Loki being a bit nervous to come out as genderfluid because of the time period Bucky grew up in, but I imagine Loki, after trying to force themself to present male is in tears alone in her room because it's just not comfortable having to look male and not feel like her body matches her gender. And then, Bucky finds her because he's worried because he came home and his partner is crying uncontrollably and when he steps into the room, he immediately rushes over to Loki who is currently shaking on the ground and trying to stop crying, because she was raised to believe crying is for the weak and she needs to be strong because what if Bucky sees her and realizes she's just not enough for him and that there are better options-Until Bucky wipes her tears away and gently asks what's wrong, and what he can do to make it better, and Loki turns away from him, whispering quietly through more tears that she's genderfluid, and that she's not always a guy and that she understands if Bucky doesn't want to see her as a female, or neither, or in between. But Bucky just smiles gently, kissing her cheek and telling her that he'd love her no matter what, because no matter what shape or form, asgardian or jotun, she's always his Loki and he loves her because she's herself.

Honestly, the only vaguely Irondad thing I like in any media is the 2017 animated version of Spiderman. Tony actually seems to care, and doesn't bring a literal child into a battle with a bunch of superhumans, and the first time they meet, at the stark expo, Spiderman was already there of his own volition.

I WISH ROMANTIC FEELINGS HAD A REAL FUCKING DEFINITION!!!!!

"Butterflies in your tummy" I get that every time I talk to anyone because I'm an anxious wreck

"Ohh you get all blushy" I blush whenever I remember literally any compliment from anyone. I blush when someone says I blink robotically. I blush when I remember that time my driving instructor said I went through a stop sign correctly.

"You get nervous when thinking about them" I'm always nervous.

WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!

You know what? The line in Falcon and the Winter Soldier which many people consider to be the "best" might actually be the single most offensive from the POV of a trauma victim and abuse survivor.

I am referring of course to Sam saying:

"If you want to crawl out of that hell you're in, you have to put in the work"

Can we just talk about how incredibly messed up it is to say such a thing to a person with PTSD? This line is tantamount to Sam telling Bucky that his nightmares- which are undoubtedly related to his PTSD as well as other pyschological and emotional effects of his condition are basically self-inflicted.

That he's somehow bought the impact of his trauma upon himself and is wallowing in self-pity or something and now he is responsible for dragging himself out of it by.... taking responsibility for his own abuse and victimization and making it right with other victims.

Putting that kind of emotional strain on a person already broken, drained by the impact of violence-based PTSD is evil. There is no other word for it. Its not helpful. It is not compassionate. It is not assisting in their healing.

About cats: so ya know how cats can, like, make a loaf out of themselves? And cats are considered lazy... so does the phrase "loafing around" mean someone is as lazy as a cat??