I Am In Too Worlds, Of Light And Dark. Both Make Sense, In Their Own Way. When Im In One, It Is All I

I am in too worlds, of light and dark. Both make sense, in their own way. When I’m in one, it is all I know, and the other side of that coin is something confusing and seemingly insane. Today I am in a dark world. There are shadows here and muted colors. Smiles are painted on and my eyes are empty and cold. And when I think of my life being anything but this, it seems such a long ways away. Like a dream, or a distant memory. Even though it was just yesterday when I felt light, when I dreamed of bright futures and actually believed it would come true. So far away now. Another life.

Now is your moment

Now is your time

Now is your moment

To take your chance

Face your opponent.

Cause the world won’t wait

For you to get your crap together

Come on cupcake,

Time to see can you weather the weather.

Put on your big boy pants, play big

The rodeo plays rough, ‘ll snap you like a twig.

If you replay replay all the mistake you’ve done made

You’ll never come out of that place where you’re always afraid.

Now I know you’re scared, aren’t we all

But this world wasn’t made for us to feel small.

You’ve got to find that place deep within

That says “Hey I’m the star, not just someone’s stand-in.”

Get off the side lines

Make your mark!

Cause these are rough times

And we all need YOUR spark!

Courage don’t run smoothly in our blood

But we ain’t afraid goin’ sludging through that mud

Cause it’s better than sleepin’, and waitin’, fearin’ all the time

If it’s that or up, imma do that climb.

Cause no matter the exhaustion, sadness and pain,

Keeping my feet on the ground is what’s drivin’ me insane

So reach up, reach up, dream bigger than before

Yes, for sure you’ll lose lots, but you’ll gain much more.

-You never did-

Wishing, dreaming someone would find me.

And then you did.

Knowing in my heart, it won’t last, you’ll leave me.

And then you did.

Wanting you back, scared you’d find someone better.

And then you did.

Still hoping of a future where you came back to find me.

But you never did.

Meadow of Butterfly Wings

I’m lost and alone

No place to call home

Just a carousel spinning ‘round.

The rain coming down

Falls without sound

With rings spreading on their way.

It’s all my eyes can see

On a merry-go-round

Calling me down the way, here we go.

Find my by the bay

Where the rose petals play

The breeze lifts me off the ground.

And full of the sun 

Watching leaves as they run

I slowly fall back awake.

Keep still for me please

Frozen ice in the trees

Wait while I rise up from the day.

The darkness holds air

Cause I’m with you right there

In the meadow of butterfly wings.

Mistakes

You know those days when you look back on your day and it seems like you did every single thing wrong that you could do wrong and you realize that you broke all the promises you made to yourself just the night before. In those moments sometimes the only thing you can do is just go to sleep and try again tomorrow. 

So many times I let all the mistakes of yesterday ruin all my efforts today. As much as it’s cheesy it’s actually true, treat everyday as a new day. Leave all the crap and broken promises in the past, and just try to make the next day better. 

There is no use worrying about how much of a putz you were yesterday AND also worrying that you’ll make the same mistakes today. 

The only way to get through this life is to understand that mistakes are a part of it, and just because most people hide their blunders doesn’t mean you are the only one that makes them. 

I don’t mean to sound preachy. I, myself, am still struggling to move my brain from ‘knowing this’ to ‘believing this’.

But just thought I’d put it out there.

Things we lose

I remember a time when I was a child. One of the ones that played in the mud with their first-day-of-school outfits, convinced my siblings they could fly, and snuck off in the middle of dinner to go play pretend in the backyard. My only worries were if my “starved” stomach could survive until the blessed amen. Then of course the growing up period of middle school, where I built up walls to protect from the endless embarrassment of pooled immaturity. High school being much the same, and then there was the world. They give you the world and say figure it out. Jobs and taxes and leases and noise. But here is what I wonder, obsessing about day by day, as I look back and question when was the exact moment I lost myself? Was it even just one moment or instead millions of small bites that gnawed at my very being? Slowly and slowly eating away with such precision that I never even noticed until it was too late. I was already gone. And here I am wondering, as I look back, what went wrong? Maybe there’s a hope kindling deep within myself that thinks if I can retrace my steps, I will find all of the shattered pieces of myself along the way. I’ll collect them up and with all the pieces, looking so very small in my hands, I’ll be able to put myself together. I’ll find myself again.