MovingOn - Tumblr Posts

It took letting go, to realize i was holding onto nothing.

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Pak ganern 😂 #happy #smile #movingforward #letgo #sweetrevenge #movingon #optimistic #divert #haha

🚶🏾🚶🏾🚶🏾🚶🏾

I cut my hair. Swipe to see the mess. #hairstyles #hair #haircut #hairstylist #change #changes #changeinlife #movingon https://www.instagram.com/p/B3ki7WBp5ie/?igshid=qovgu1g7p4qh

In the garden of discarded sculpture #movingon (at Chicago, Illinois)

I thank you.

I like what i am now,  little bit broken. I am glad I am. A few months back I was a complete mess. You left me so broken. And maybe you were sad too. But you’ve found someone new. And you’re happy. By god did that kill me. 

I’m glad you did. because if you hadn’t i wouldn’t have realized how little I meant to you. How futile our love was to you. I tried so hard to pretend it was all fine, that seeing the two of you together did not kill me. Heaven only knows the nights i cried myself to sleep. 

You told me that you found yourself with her. well good. But i was left behind on the ground to up the pieces of my shattered heart.

Nevertheless i picked myself up. It still hurts, seeing the two of you together, happy, but not as much. I am able to push aside the thoughts of what we were and how we could’ve been. I can look past the hurt and the pain you’ve caused. I may not be able to let myself love again anytime soon, but i will..eventually. 

More than anything I’m proud of myself. i picked myself up without anyone. I didn’t need another person’s affection to feel close to whole again. I can’t wait to fall in love again. Maybe this time I’ll fall for someone who’ll love just as deeply and just as honestly as i will them. Maybe this time I’ll do justice to my emotions, to my fears, to my dreams ...and to my love. 

I don’t blame you, I thank you. 

With love,                                                                                                                the one person you meant the world to 

The younger days.

Excuse me while i go on a rant. This is one of the apps my family doesn’t have. So i need to rant for a moment and get this out.

When I was a kid, I remember having everyone in my family just go off at me except my papa (grandpa). Whenever my mom got upset at me. To be mindful, I lived with my mom, dad, 2 little brothers, my uncle and my papa. We live with my papa since my mom had her first son. Skipping ahead my mom and i use to butt beads. Which is normal for a mom and daughter to do so. But it would usually be for something i didn’t do, something my brothers did that upset me and the rare moments i did something. So this is how it would work whenever i got in trouble. From first to last this is how it work. My mom would get upset. My dad would say ‘you shouldn’t make your mom upset she does a lot for you and your brothers.’ My uncle would tell me to stop having an attitude and get over myself. My brothers would get off free like they never did anything. I would stay with my papa and he would listen to me. My papa was my safe space but over the years as me and my brothers got older. My brothers started taking up most of my papas time. Which led me to turn to music, which you know what most depressed, anxiety filled teens do. However, to me as school got more stressful and friends started turning into enemies. My parents would just play it off and say your young get over it. Couldn’t talk to my papa because my brothers would run to my parents and they’d tell me to stop going around telling people. When high school hit, i completely shut down around sophomore year. I didn’t care anymore, nothing matter. It felt like no one cared and my life is better off ending. After high school, i started living with my aunt and her family. I started mentally healing and i do have moments where i feel like I’m going to get yelled at. Also being told to stop stressing. I cannot explain how much pain I’ve Cause to people around me because of childhood trauma. I cannot explain or apologize enough to people who I’ve wronged. People have always told me i have a good heart and all i feel is guilt over the years of pain. I started this rant to get off my chest because i just want to heal from my past. But honestly i just think i needed to say this where my family can’t see it. So far I’ve been able to talk to my family. Not too much drama has happened between me and my family.

That 🐈 got more miles than my corvette... time to let it go. #changeover #letthatshitgo #movingon

Mistakes

You know those days when you look back on your day and it seems like you did every single thing wrong that you could do wrong and you realize that you broke all the promises you made to yourself just the night before. In those moments sometimes the only thing you can do is just go to sleep and try again tomorrow. 

So many times I let all the mistakes of yesterday ruin all my efforts today. As much as it’s cheesy it’s actually true, treat everyday as a new day. Leave all the crap and broken promises in the past, and just try to make the next day better. 

There is no use worrying about how much of a putz you were yesterday AND also worrying that you’ll make the same mistakes today. 

The only way to get through this life is to understand that mistakes are a part of it, and just because most people hide their blunders doesn’t mean you are the only one that makes them. 

I don’t mean to sound preachy. I, myself, am still struggling to move my brain from ‘knowing this’ to ‘believing this’.

But just thought I’d put it out there.