Very Useful, Don't Get Me Wrong, I Love Fem Things, Especially Clothes, But We Never Really Get To See

very useful, don't get me wrong, I love fem things, especially clothes, but we never really get to see the masc side of fairygrunge (:

some masc fairy grunge outfits🪲🤎

Day 1

starting a daily sorta blog to track my progress.

Me and my partner (let's call him Niani, for privacy sake, not his real name) decided we both have some issues we need to improve on in ourselves, and we're going to take til the end of the month, which is 21 days, to see how much progress we can make in that time.

My list is:

Try to work on developing a more healthy attachment style

Become less obsessive over my ex (lets call him Adolpho)

lessen my self destructive tendencies

Be less rigid/emotional about small things (hence doing my part to bring down the amount of bickering we do.) Niani's list is:

Communication/openness

Attentiveness

Showing love/affection

Shifting language to avoid bickering I think that this is really gonna help us. And I have to remember that while I am doing this for myself, and for the forgiveness of Adolpho, it is, most importantly, for Niani, because he deserves the best version of me possible.

As someone who's working with Aphrodite and worshipping Apollo and has been struggling lately a lot, I really needed to read this and be reminded of it

Your deities love you.

Haven’t tidied their altars in forever? They understand.

Don’t have the motivation to give them offerings? They get it.

You haven’t left bed for a long time? They still care about you.

Aren’t devoting time to them lately? They don’t mind

Forgot an offering? That’s alright. They forgive you.

Fucked something up? They’re not going to ditch you for your mistakes.

Decide to take a break from deity work? Totally cool, they’ll still be here for you.

Your deities understand your struggles. Even your mental health related issues. They get it, and they love you regardless. Just do your best for them, and they’ll appreciate it. 

Day 3

Been working a lot on world building for my story and making sure Niani feels loved and appreciated. Sometimes I still feel bad things because my brain goes to Adolpho, but I'm getting better at that part so far

Tw: self hate, references to: death, self harm, vomit, depression, EDs, etc.

Last night I cried so hard for about half an hour to the point where I almost threw up. No one was online so I got no solace in other people. I had spent the whole day cleaning and just messing everything up. I didn't get a single bit of drawing in, which is one of the only things that brings me joy at this point.

I was listening to my Spotify playlist, which made me feel more understood, but it didn't really help bring me out of it. I've been clean of self harm for over 4 months now, but that was one of the moments I was seriously close to losing that streak.

I was thinking about everything wrong, from my best friends death to my once good, now awful relationship with my mother, to a thing with an ex where I regret even dating them, not because it was bad, but because I had to choose between him and my current lover and you can probably assume who I chose. Now I'm worried he hates me, which is awful because I still love him, I just see my current lover as end game.

I feel so guilty for that last one, and for the first one. It feels like everything is getting bad again, from me starting down the road to an ED relapse without knowing the trigger, to suicidal thoughts popping up in a genuine manner, not loud enough for me to listen to them, but enough to be heard and thought of. I thought I was getting better, I wanted to get better, it makes me so sick to know that I may never fully recover.