Last Night I Went To Make Some Cool Stuff For My Next DnD One Shot

Last night I went to make some cool stuff for my next DnD one shot

I had exactly one (1) half of a hard cider

I got really excited and sent a Cool Thing (TM) to my group chat

I only then realized I had:

1. Spelled a character’s name differently every time

2. Not changed any of the placeholder names

3. Autocorrect had messed with a bunch of the fantasy names I actually used

Don’t post content while tipsy, folks

the way we loved each other was ancient and unchanging and new and impossible

there was absolutely nothing special about the fact that we loved each other except that it was us, and there were so many people in the world and in our world that we shouldn't have met, we shouldn't have been together, but we did, and we were

there was absolutely nothing more amazing than us being friends except that we were maybe more than friends and never talked about it, we just were, and even so, there was nothing special about that except that every day, again and again, we chose to love one another.

there was nothing special about us, except that it was us

there was nothing to love about us in particular, except that we loved each other

i knew nothing but loving you, and that made you special to me

I’m still here

I’m still here I’m still here I’m still here

I made it this far and I made it that far and I made it through the worst of it but somehow the sky is clear and I have a mess to clean up from the storm and I have no promises that there isn’t another one brewing over the horizon or behind the trees or behind my back or in someone else I love

I have no promises, just hard work

I have no promises, just myself today, table for one, but leave the other chair.

I’ll sit in the corner in the back of the room and watch the people walk in

I’ll sit in the booth and my legs will stick to the faux leather and my belongings will fall behind the cushions and I will melt into this place and watch the world go by

He told me I should be angry but how can you be angry at something you can’t believe happened? There are so many steps between denial and acceptance and I wish I could skip them all and get in line for forgetting. It’s an amusement park with only one ride. It’s comic con with empty booths.

Last night I woke up screaming. It wasn’t even the worst nightmare I’d ever had. Not even the worst one this week. I only screamed because in this dream there was someone nearby to help. That almost makes it okay. Usually I am alone. Table for one. Except I woke up screaming, and my husband and I listened to each other’s hearts race for half an hour. Can I skip to forgetting? This afternoon I could barely remember my nightmare. It wasn’t even the worst one this week.

I wrote this instead of sleeping. Please let me sleep.

ten minute write day 2 (yeah i know i took a 2 week break)

ive been trying to find a liminal space that feels like the ones from my childhood

you know, how it felt being at school at night when everyone had gone home

or how it felt to stand in the church sanctuary when everyone had left

or the elementary school playground on the weekends

and i used to feel a certain holiness in those spaces, in the places that we built for togetherness now full of emptiness and only my own voice echoing against the walls. Keeping me in. i never dreamed that the opposite: an inhuman place suddenly filled with me, would feel anything but uncomfortable and interrupted.

I climbed a mountain last weekend. It was raining on and off, so the air was still, and the birds were hiding, and it was too far up for the large, whistling, singing, strumming bugs. the fragile alpine zone, they called it. my family walked off down the slope to look over the ravine. I stayed behind.

it was so quiet. I've never been in such quiet. I could hear my breath and my heartbeat and if i had stayed still enough, for long enough, I would have heard the blood moving through my veins.

This is the opposite of what I had found in those spaces humans had built. Staring out at the pristine, preserved mountainside, i found myself feeling so tiny, and so huge at the same time. I looked down at the sweeping valley below, and down at my feet in boots that i dragged out of the darkest recesses of my closet for this, and out into the sky, shrouded with clouds that I was now standing inside.

it was so quiet. so quiet. no rushing of machinery. No hum of electricity. no one upstairs rattling around, no children down the street shouting. All things i usually find comfort in. all things i realized i might not miss.

i get it, now. why people just disappear into the mountains. that silence is addictive. that sense of peace leaves an ache in your soul the moment your family comes back around the cairns, rattling keychains and crunching boots. that is the holy silence i will be looking for forever, that is the liminal space i will stand in for as long as i am allowed.

My brain is an angry toddler today and it’s absurd

I was feeling awful and then I spent like an hour going “what do you want? Do you have to pee? Are you hungry? Do you want to go for a walk?”

Turns out I was thirsty, because I drank half a bottle of water and calmed down immediately. Even got some good work done.

So yeah, your brain is a stupid toddler that doesn’t know what it wants sometimes so just be gentle and try things