Relating To This

Relating to this

I have never dated in my 27 years of life. I am very picky and awkward and boys have never shown much obvious interest in me until I started dating apps (which I only like for the compliments at this point lol, what are you gonna do). In the past it has made me feel really bad, now I am kind of grateful because I know more than I did back in college and high school. I used to think God was protecting me because of my mental health and/or my physical health. Now I also know that because of the pandemic and my personal situation that a relationship would not have worked. I always thought I’d be married and have kids by this age, but I know now that it wouldn’t have worked out well if I had all that.

My main point of this rant is that I have always been very insecure about never having dated, but I am also terrified because of physical touch. What if he gets too close and sees what I fear I am? What if he doesn’t like my touch? What if he finds me repulsive once he gets close? What if I am bad at kissing? It sounds silly maybe but it’s a real fear. The idea of dating is so scary, but luckily it is very unlikely I will date anytime soon. Especially since I only have any interest in the BTS members haha. Anyways…

One thing that has helped shockingly is working with kids. They are always brutally honest. Not always because they’re trying to be mean, usually they’re just observing things. But they have also shown me love and that I can be loved. They always want hugs and to be close to me, even when I’m sweaty and feel extra gross. They like to play with my hair and make me drawings. I can always rely on them to hype me up or humble me real fast. I was proposed to once as well lol. They say I smell good which makes me feel better too. But I can also just be myself and be weird with them and they don’t blink. And I always try to give that love back and show them respect. Just because they’re kids doesn’t mean they don’t deserve respect. I could rant about that as well but I won’t for now. But yeah, my work kids have helped me learn to love myself.

Ok just want to write out my thoughts and if anyone relates or understands that is great. I was talking to my psychiatrist one day about how I sometimes feel the need to do certain things specifically with my face sometimes (scrunch my nose, stretch my face muscles, make a whistling noise between my teeth). It goes through phases and is worse when my anxiety is worse. She mentioned something about OCD. I have thought about it briefly since I pick at my nails so much and it feels more compulsive and obsessive like dermatillomania (which is as originally only listed under OCD because of the obsessive and compulsive traits it has, now it’s also a body focused repetitive behavior if I remember correctly). Other than that though I never gave it much thought. So I wandered on to the internet to learn more because it piqued my interest. I know OCD is more than organizing and cleaning but I wanted to learn more specifics, not to self diagnose but to try and understand how my brain could be working. I found something called mental contamination which was really interesting. It is basically you feel dirty even though you haven’t actually touched or done anything that would make you dirty. The thing I saw talked about feeling dirty because of someone else’s touch. It made me think about a few things. Mainly it made me think about how much I dislike being close to people and being touched. Some people I feel uncomfortable because it makes me feel dirty from being close to them (I don’t actually think they’re gross or dirty it’s like an intrusive thought, like what are you doing here thought go away). Most people though I feel like if they get too close they’re going to see me how I saw myself when I was younger, and sometimes still do; a disgusting monster that is unlovable. I’m afraid that when they get close they will think I’m gross and disgusting. A boy once told me in high school that I smelled bad. Thinking back it was a summer football practice (I was a manager) so he was probably smelling himself or the fifty other sweating dudes around. On top of the self hatred and anxiety that followed that, I have hyperhidrosis. So I physically felt disgusting from that and my health problems that make me nauseous. I spent many years feeling nauseous to the point where I was in the bathroom crying and missed many classes. Feeling nauseous just feels icky and it translated into me feeling like I am disgusting; like that icky feeling inside is showing outside.

I don’t know what the point of this post is except to ramble my thoughts “out loud”. Probably should find a new therapist but I’m doing okay mostly lol.

Relating To This

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