Tw: Ocd - Tumblr Posts
potential tw/cw for ocd !
POV: you’re latest ocd obsession is needing to mask and appear typical.
I’m finally making a new sim family to fully play around with Snowy Escape (lost connection with my first attempt) and I already love them so much, but I can’t play with them until I build an apartment building and a family home and I know that’s going to take me ages. I’ve been gathering references for over a year to properly do Japanese architecture in Mt. Komorebi justice for my save file, but it’s still a very new building style to me and I really don’t want a repeat of me learning to build modern homes and that hitting my Just Right OCD (My OCD presents in a very stereotypical way and is annoying in that things need to be centered and symmetrical but also not too symmetrical and modern style homes that don’t look ugly as fuck make that interesting) so hard it sent me on a three day spiral trying to find the perfect reference.
Ok just want to write out my thoughts and if anyone relates or understands that is great. I was talking to my psychiatrist one day about how I sometimes feel the need to do certain things specifically with my face sometimes (scrunch my nose, stretch my face muscles, make a whistling noise between my teeth). It goes through phases and is worse when my anxiety is worse. She mentioned something about OCD. I have thought about it briefly since I pick at my nails so much and it feels more compulsive and obsessive like dermatillomania (which is as originally only listed under OCD because of the obsessive and compulsive traits it has, now it’s also a body focused repetitive behavior if I remember correctly). Other than that though I never gave it much thought. So I wandered on to the internet to learn more because it piqued my interest. I know OCD is more than organizing and cleaning but I wanted to learn more specifics, not to self diagnose but to try and understand how my brain could be working. I found something called mental contamination which was really interesting. It is basically you feel dirty even though you haven’t actually touched or done anything that would make you dirty. The thing I saw talked about feeling dirty because of someone else’s touch. It made me think about a few things. Mainly it made me think about how much I dislike being close to people and being touched. Some people I feel uncomfortable because it makes me feel dirty from being close to them (I don’t actually think they’re gross or dirty it’s like an intrusive thought, like what are you doing here thought go away). Most people though I feel like if they get too close they’re going to see me how I saw myself when I was younger, and sometimes still do; a disgusting monster that is unlovable. I’m afraid that when they get close they will think I’m gross and disgusting. A boy once told me in high school that I smelled bad. Thinking back it was a summer football practice (I was a manager) so he was probably smelling himself or the fifty other sweating dudes around. On top of the self hatred and anxiety that followed that, I have hyperhidrosis. So I physically felt disgusting from that and my health problems that make me nauseous. I spent many years feeling nauseous to the point where I was in the bathroom crying and missed many classes. Feeling nauseous just feels icky and it translated into me feeling like I am disgusting; like that icky feeling inside is showing outside.
I don’t know what the point of this post is except to ramble my thoughts “out loud”. Probably should find a new therapist but I’m doing okay mostly lol.
Relating to this
I have never dated in my 27 years of life. I am very picky and awkward and boys have never shown much obvious interest in me until I started dating apps (which I only like for the compliments at this point lol, what are you gonna do). In the past it has made me feel really bad, now I am kind of grateful because I know more than I did back in college and high school. I used to think God was protecting me because of my mental health and/or my physical health. Now I also know that because of the pandemic and my personal situation that a relationship would not have worked. I always thought I’d be married and have kids by this age, but I know now that it wouldn’t have worked out well if I had all that.
My main point of this rant is that I have always been very insecure about never having dated, but I am also terrified because of physical touch. What if he gets too close and sees what I fear I am? What if he doesn’t like my touch? What if he finds me repulsive once he gets close? What if I am bad at kissing? It sounds silly maybe but it’s a real fear. The idea of dating is so scary, but luckily it is very unlikely I will date anytime soon. Especially since I only have any interest in the BTS members haha. Anyways…
One thing that has helped shockingly is working with kids. They are always brutally honest. Not always because they’re trying to be mean, usually they’re just observing things. But they have also shown me love and that I can be loved. They always want hugs and to be close to me, even when I’m sweaty and feel extra gross. They like to play with my hair and make me drawings. I can always rely on them to hype me up or humble me real fast. I was proposed to once as well lol. They say I smell good which makes me feel better too. But I can also just be myself and be weird with them and they don’t blink. And I always try to give that love back and show them respect. Just because they’re kids doesn’t mean they don’t deserve respect. I could rant about that as well but I won’t for now. But yeah, my work kids have helped me learn to love myself.
Ok just want to write out my thoughts and if anyone relates or understands that is great. I was talking to my psychiatrist one day about how I sometimes feel the need to do certain things specifically with my face sometimes (scrunch my nose, stretch my face muscles, make a whistling noise between my teeth). It goes through phases and is worse when my anxiety is worse. She mentioned something about OCD. I have thought about it briefly since I pick at my nails so much and it feels more compulsive and obsessive like dermatillomania (which is as originally only listed under OCD because of the obsessive and compulsive traits it has, now it’s also a body focused repetitive behavior if I remember correctly). Other than that though I never gave it much thought. So I wandered on to the internet to learn more because it piqued my interest. I know OCD is more than organizing and cleaning but I wanted to learn more specifics, not to self diagnose but to try and understand how my brain could be working. I found something called mental contamination which was really interesting. It is basically you feel dirty even though you haven’t actually touched or done anything that would make you dirty. The thing I saw talked about feeling dirty because of someone else’s touch. It made me think about a few things. Mainly it made me think about how much I dislike being close to people and being touched. Some people I feel uncomfortable because it makes me feel dirty from being close to them (I don’t actually think they’re gross or dirty it’s like an intrusive thought, like what are you doing here thought go away). Most people though I feel like if they get too close they’re going to see me how I saw myself when I was younger, and sometimes still do; a disgusting monster that is unlovable. I’m afraid that when they get close they will think I’m gross and disgusting. A boy once told me in high school that I smelled bad. Thinking back it was a summer football practice (I was a manager) so he was probably smelling himself or the fifty other sweating dudes around. On top of the self hatred and anxiety that followed that, I have hyperhidrosis. So I physically felt disgusting from that and my health problems that make me nauseous. I spent many years feeling nauseous to the point where I was in the bathroom crying and missed many classes. Feeling nauseous just feels icky and it translated into me feeling like I am disgusting; like that icky feeling inside is showing outside.
I don’t know what the point of this post is except to ramble my thoughts “out loud”. Probably should find a new therapist but I’m doing okay mostly lol.
so I've never been very interested in fidget toys and stuff, yknow, I never really got the whole thing with fidget spinners, I never really cared that much
but I recently got this thing
and I am OBSESSED
like this thing keeps me occupied for HOURS I LOVE IT IT'S SO NICE I WANT MORE
ngl tho the one I have kind of bugs me cuz it just doesn't look right (idk if this needs a tw, so I'm just gonna put it under the cut)
so yeah, maybe tw for people with OCD
like
why didn't they just make it seven in the middle
just. why
Godric on the way to destroy his hands 🫠 My little gravedigger does believe there's something inherently wrong with bodies that departed from the souls. His hands seem never to be cleansed enough after touching the dead >: [to all ppl with OCD: read abt it a bit I'm not sure how accurate that stuff is, I've never had urges to clean myself excessively to that extent, so forgive me for portraying it in a wrong way]
on having a boyfriend with OCD
He was always turning the lights on and off,
opening and closing the door,
counting as he went: thirty-six, thirty-seven, thirty-eight, thirty-nine, forty.
Eventually I had to tell him that if he kept opening the door,
we’d have a whole bunch of house intruders
before the night was through. He responded by trying to kiss me once,
then ended up kissing me twenty-three times, then once more
for an even twenty-four. Then he had to redo two of them
because “our mouths hadn’t been quite aligned.”
Some nights I’d wake up with the moon soaking the bedsheets,
listening to the sound of him repeating the word “fuck”
over and over: he’d stubbed his toe on the bathroom doorway
but couldn’t stop swearing once he’d started.
I fell back asleep after staring at my pillow
until the floral pattern burned into my eyelids,
dreamt the two of us went to an opera but instead of beautiful,
tremulous voices rising high into the air,
two sopranos were singing “fuck” to the tune of La Traviata.
He apologizes the next day, says the new medication
made him feel like shit all the time so he took himself off it;
I respond that it probably made him feel that way
because it was working.
Two days later the ambulance comes and takes him away;
he’d accidentally cut one of his wrists with the steak knife
chopping carrots for stew
but couldn’t have just one cut wrist;
he had to have two.
ocd is tricky. you're smart. logical. even like to research things constantly, to the point of mental exhaustion. ocd's will is stronger than your own. why? how? why? when? why? what if? what if? what if? ceaselessly. endlessly. drive yourself to madness, paranoia, anger, wanting to die in a ditch. your perpetually endeavoring, curious, anxious, soul needs to be out from under your flesh. the skin keeps it tacked down, held in place like a middle school frog dissection. what if i stab it? cut it? pull it apart? shred it to pieces? ocd tells you "sit down! no one wants you around, heinous little creature!" you say, "that doesn't make any sense!" ocd replies, "you will, you will, you will, you will." so you sit down. rot in that bed, evil thing. think your thoughts. tear your soul up and out. let it fester.
OCD and autism
since it’s autism acceptance month, I thought I’d do an OCD Project post about the overlap between autism and OCD!
fast facts:
17% of autistic folk also have OCD
autistic people are twice as likely as allistic to receive a late diagnosis of OCD
people with OCD are four times more likely to receive a late diagnosis of autism than those without
overlapping symptoms:
repetitive behaviours
anxiety
hoarding
sensory issues
executive dysfunction
desire for routine
what do they look like together?
this is a complicated question, because both OCD and autism can have a lot of different symptoms and presentations. but common issues include:
increased chance of alexithymia, which you can read about here
autistic people often get overwhelmed more easily than allistic people, which means we may also have a lower anxiety threshold before we turn to a compulsion
over-reliance on stimming can turn stims into compulsions — because almost anything can become a compulsion
high likelihood of thought spirals and meltdowns feeding into each other
increased likelihood of communication challenges, making it harder for others to understand what they’re doing and why
in conclusion:
autism and OCD can be hard to live with on their own, but together they cause unique challenges that need to be countered very carefully. despite a high comorbidity rate, it can be hard to be diagnosed with both due to similarities in external presentation.
It’s easier to think of OCD as a noisy jury that’s too stubborn to agree on things. And then one by one each member gets quieter and quieter, either because they’re too tired to speak or they realise how dumb they sound. And then I realise how dumb I sound, then I move on.
I'm currently writing the most emotional song I've made since "song." It's gonna be long and fucked up because it's about my trauma from OCD and intrusive thoughts so stay tuned I guess