BAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAH THIS IS SO FUCKING TRUE IM DEAD @writersp3n

BAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAH THIS IS SO FUCKING TRUE IM DEAD @writersp3n

Ghost is the type of dad that would always be super blunt with his kids. So when his toddler asks him how her little sister came to be in mummy’s belly, instead of weaving a tale of magic wishes and baby-delivering storks, he says simply “We had sex”.

Gaz is the type of dad that would have his kid’s birthday entertainer cancel on him last minute. Good news is that the party store down the road is still open. Bad news is that the Spiderman costume he buys himself is two sizes too small.

Soap is the type of dad that would get kicked out of his kid’s football game because of his unruly behavior in the stands. Apparently, encouraging a group of six year olds to “Bloody kill!” the other team is frowned upon by most parents.

Price is the type of dad that would shave off his facial hair because he wanted to change up his look a little, only to end up scaring his kids (even making his ten month old cry) because they thought a stranger had broken into the house.

Dilf!Price x Babysitter!Reader

P!link 🌽

Captain Price: Who eats you out like a starved man cause he's short on cash, slurping and spitting while he humps the bed frame Captain Price: Who pays you with his tongue until he gets cash, you secretly want both- Captain Price: Who puts the kids to sleep before practically devouring you on the kitchen table Captain Price: who freezes when you let out a loud whine before gagging you with his cock [69 position] Captain Price: who thrusts into your mouth with overstimulating you Captain Price: who fills your throat up with his cum before letting you leave Captain Price: who spoils you rotten after he gets his paycheck <3

Car Sex with König! [Kinktober Day 2]

TW: P in V sex, Car sex, Rough sex, König groans deeply as he thrusts into her tight cunt, the sensation of her slick walls gripping him sending waves of pleasure coursing through his body. His large, muscular arms wrap around her petite frame, holding her close against him.

Despite the intense pain radiating from his back because of his huge size trying to fit in your tiny car, he pushes through it, driven by raw instinct and primal desire. Each thrust sends jolts of pleasure shooting up his spine, making his head spin.

"Oh fuck…" He curses between heavy breaths, his voice hoarse with lust. He can't believe how good she feels wrapped around his cock - so tight, so warm, so fucking perfect.

König increases his pace, slamming into her harder and faster. The sound of their bodies colliding fills the car, along with her soft whimpers and moans. His cock kissed her cervix perfectly - with the right amount of pressure and speed. Making her drool and her breath hitch. König's own breath hitched as he slipped past her cervix straight into her womb. He continued thrusting up into her until he came. Groaning as he filled her up with his seed.

[All pictures are credited to the owners <3]

....fanboying at it's finest.

vampire!simon who gets so hard feeding from you, licks your blood off your neck while he slips his fat cock inside your cunt and fucks you dumb. bites into your neck as he comes inside your cunt, filling you up so nice as your head spins :(

Corruption Kink with Price [Kinktober Day 4]

TW: Kink, Corruption, MLM, Sex. RetiredNeighbor!Price moved in recently. When he saw your house he was well.. disturbed. So many flowers it was smelling sweeter than a candy shop. He hated it. Until he actually saw you. He couldn't stop his cock from chubbing up at the sight of you, struggling to reach a flowerpot hanging from the ceiling on your porch. He came over and helped you get the flower pot down, handing it to you. He smirked at your blush. Finding it cute. "Careful love, don't want it falling on your head." You nodded and he went back into his mancave [HOUSE.] The next day when he went to sit on his porch to smoke a cigar he found a bouquet with a note and chocolates strapped to it. He picked up the note, reading it. "Thank you for helping me with the flowerpot yesterday. xoxo M!Y/N." He chuckled and picked up the chocolates and bouquet, putting the flowers in an old vase he found and sat down on the chair on the porch, lighting the cigar and eating the chocolates. Few hours later when he saw you walk back home from the bakery you work at with a box of pastries his mouth curled into a smile and he waved, His cock chubbed up again as you smiled back, unlocking your door and stepping inside. The next day your clumsy ass managed to break the key in the lock, prompting Price to invite you into his home, which led to you both having dinner together *Price made it extra special by adding the bouquet you got him" You both were eating peacefully when you suddenly felt a big, warm hand on your thigh. You couldn't stop your dick from twitching, making Price grin. "Someone's excited, aye' love?" His hand gently ghosted over the bulge in your basketball shorts, making you whimper. "So innocent.. s'all for me?" You shuddered, Making Price grin wider and pick you up, bending you over the kitchen counter just to rub your creamy ass through the fabric of your basketball shorts. He delivered a hard spank to on cheek, making you cry out and your dick twitch. "Mmmh, such a cute ass. S'just F'me, innit doll?" Before you could even answer your clothes are torn off, leaving you in just your socks. Price grabbed some lube and slicked his chubbed cock up. The thick, angry red tip pressed against your virgin hole. Before he could slide in you spoke up. "Wait! Price wait... i'm.. i'm a virgin." He paused, then let out the hottest chuckle you've ever heard. It heightened your arousal. "So what Bird?, jus' lemme slide it in. Promise it won't hurt, yeah?" You nodded, trusting him. He slowly slid the angry red leaking tip in, making you squirm slightly. Once he was fully sheathed inside the tight heat did he start grinding his pelvis against your ass, making you gasp and arch, the friction of his thick cock pressing against you prostate made you drool and whine. "S'good doll?" You groaned. "Mhm! Very good!" He began to thrust slowly at first, then sped up making your legs shake and the fruit bowl fall off the counter, His meaty cock kept hitting your prostate making you drool all over the counter, eyes rolling back into your head as you felt Price's hand slip inbetween your legs, jerking you off while he continued thrusting. Stealing your virginity and ruining you for any other man. He continued thrusting until you finally came, the spunk spurting onto the kitchen floor. Once you finished his thrusts became even harder, hairy arms holding your hips as quickly pulled out, his spunk shooting all over your lower back and ass. "Fuck, Bird. Not a virgin anymore huh?" And the night ended with you and him sleeping in the same bed, the next morning Soap came to help you fix your lock... and maybe a threesome happened. <3

[LOOK AT HIS LITTLE GRIN EEEEEEE]

OH MY GOD YES

imagine picking up the wrong cake order on gaz’s birthday. so instead of happy birthday baby, it reads congratulations dad. you try laughing it off, rubbing an apologetic hand down his back as he blows out the candles, but he gets a real serious, real dark look in his eye for the rest of the night.

it’s as good as you asking for one. mistake just a flimsy excuse you used to cover up around friends. the second the party’s over, he has you drilled into the floor, knees by your ears, fucking three loads worth of cum into your poor, battered pussy. there’s really no need to be so sneaky about it, darl. he’ll give you a baby if you want one