Dostoevsky's Origin Story: The First Time He Didn't Die, And The Demon Was Born

Dostoevsky's origin story: the first time he didn't die, and the Demon was born

Imagine Fyodor Dostoevsky, young and alone. He is religious. He's faith is his light, he uses it as a compass to navigate through the everyday uncertainty. There are no adults to tell him what's right or wrong. Even if they do, their judgment is tampered with selfish cruelty.

Every so often, Fyodor wonders what makes him so different from other kids. Why is everything that he does is met with cold disdain? Even if he mimics other kids' behavior, adults still see him as a threat. Dostoevsky can't remember doing anything so irreparable that could upset them. But no matter how he tries, the only response to his efforts is disgust.

Maybe, he isn't meant to be loved. At least, right now.

If the family isn't ready to accept him, Fyodor starts looking for the meaning elsewhere. The bible clearly says to honor your parents. But how can he do that if they're so uncaring? Unless this is how it should be, and it's all God's plan.

The older Fyodor grows, the more he forces himself to look past his limited sensations, experiences, feelings. There must be more to the bruises, scars, aches in the stomach, cold sleepless nights. They're all a part of something he has to discover with his mind.

A meaning. He'll grasp it with his bloody fingertips and hold it until they finally feel warm. Until pain in his body will bother him no more.

Eventually, Dostoevsky realizes: it's all part of a trial.

The holy book was right about his parents. He has to respect them for all the efforts they've put in to teach him about pain. They relentlessly test Fyodor's resolve, strengthening his belief in God. They prepare him to become one of his most righteous servants.

This realization helps Dostoevsky cope with everyday struggles. Abuse paired with neglect becomes less painful, when he sees them as a part of a training. They're just shaping him to become better: less attached to his body, no more worried about his earthly life.

When Fyodor finally departs from home, he believes that he knows what God has for him in store. A painful life on earth as a path to Heaven. But still, he sometimes catches himself praying for better days, even knowing, he shouldn't selfishly desire them.

But that's alright. Because Heaven exists. One day, Dostoevsky will be there. He should be grateful for his place in Paradise, the one that's been promised to Fyodor through the suffering God has bestowed.

The only thing is left is to wait for a signal of departure. A moment, when God will call for him, and he'll gladly place his life on the altar.

And then this time comes.

Dostoevsky never forced himself to be careful about who or how he confronted. He was almost curious about which sinner would be the one to lead him to the martyrdom.

Fyodor lived from one plan to another, taking a corrupt society apart, making sure no sin would ever be overlooked or forgotten. He even forced himself not to fear skill users. They were demons all the same, albeit their abilities were quite flashy.

Dostoevsky occasionally wondered what would it feel like to have one of their powers? Maybe, he could enact a bigger change. But he tried to erase thoughts like that. His body, even at its weakest, was still made in God's image. He shouldn't wish any changes or distortions upon this form. Unless, he wanted to be cursed and abandoned by God.

Eventually, Dostoevsky picks an opponent who he can't defeat. He knows it, but the fight is still worthy of risk. He tries his hardest, but that's still not enough.

When a dagger is plunged into his heart, Dostoevsky locks eyes with the enemy and realizes: they're terrified. He almost smiles. His body will die, but the words he has said will hunt them forever, until the end of their days.

Fyodor's chest hurts unbearably, but that's a satisfying finale. His body is screaming its goodbye, but his soul feels lighter. Soon, pain won't be able to claw itself into his flesh. He's waited for it for many years. He's prepared. Is it happiness?

Despite that, part of Fyodor wishes he could stay alive longer, so he could continue his servitude to God. It's a sinful thought. If this moment is meant to be his last, he should comply.

There is so much more to a soul than a life on Earth. The endless beauty of light, the vast landscapes of paradise. Fyodor is ready to see them with his own eyes.

There is so much he'll never miss about his existence. All of his emotions: fear, desperation, grief. They're all soon be gone, caged in his dying body, away from his mind. God will take Fyodor's soul back. It will finally experience the touch of its creator. He will never be alone again. Soon Dostoevsky will be engulfed by a warm wave, leading him away from this reality. Fyodor welcomes a warm embrace of God, a being whose love is bigger than the Universe. He is ready to meet him.

But then He doesn't die. He opens his eyes in another person's body. He survived.

Fyodor almost feels relief, and is disgusted with himself for it. Does he really treasure his life more than heaven? Pathetic.

Dostoevsky lives on. He's forced to stay alive. He doesn't know what to think. Everything seems unreal.

A prolonged life. A second chance. For anyone else, this would be wonderful. A blessing. For him, it turns out to be a tragedy. An ultimate rejection.

Throughout his life, Fyodor was told so many times that he was “strange”, “not human”, “not like others”. But God wouldn't abandon him, right? That's what he believed in.

Now, looking at his new, freshly restored body, Fyodor started to wonder: what if he was the one who was wrong all this time? What if God didn't see him as a human at all? Even Judas died. But he could not.

Why couldn't he see heaven after working so hard to get there? Did he do something so terrible, even death couldn't accept him after that?

Dostoevsky spiraled deep into his mind, obsessively dissecting every bit of his identity. Which part of Fyodor was the one that doomed him to hell, to this earthly suffering forever?

There was only one answer. His special ability.

When Fyodor used to envision his path to Heaven, he calculated everything, except for that. He was simply unaware of being a skill user himself.

It was the most distinguishing element of his existence. The one that couldn't be overlooked easily. It was probably what others thought too, even without realizing it consciously.

“Crime and punishment”, this is how Fyodor decided to call that. It was so inherently inhuman it made others fear him, hate him, hurt him. They sensed that something was deeply wrong with him since he was a kid, even without knowing about his special ability.

This is why they pushed Fyodor away, even when he tried to help. This is why no matter how hard he studied the Bible, he was only a mere “Demon” in their eyes.

And they were right.

Dostoevsky's ability was a truly heretical curse. It dared to define God's plan and distort the time of death that was given to Fyodor by his Creator.

"Crime and punishment ". Like a ticking bomb with a set timer, like a festering wound ready to overflow with rot, it was always inside him, all along. It slept inside the body like a parasite. It curled around his heart like a snake, waiting for it's chance to poison his soul and cast him away from heaven.

Maybe, Dostoevsky always knew it too. That nothing he ever did was good. That's why he's so desperately sought God everywhere. As if trying to ask for forgiveness beforehand.

But could God ever give him that?

Fyodor's “gift” was with him since the moment he was born.

Did it mean that Fyodor had been the “worst sinner who ever lived”? Was he marked as such during the very first second of his life?

Yes, it was probably that.

Everything about Fyodor, even his thinking and breathing, was repulsive. It was a crime. A sin. A disgrace, truly. And staying alive was the punishment he didn't dare to define.

And there was the only way out.

If he's already the greatest sinner, he has to become the greatest martyr, the one who'll make a sacrifice like no others.

Maybe, Fyodor will finally earn the God's forgiveness. God will gift him death, the one that'll reunite him with humanity.

But purifying his own soul won't be enough. God won't forgive him for such a small miracle. His life is barely worth anything. It won't change reality, if he just throws it away and allows his body to perish. He needs more than this to make a change.

What if he purifies all sins? If his ability is the one that's made him evil, made him unworthy of forgiveness, he needs to clear world of all special skills.

It's his responsibility.

It's the only way Fyodor can be forgiven for existing.

If he tries hard enough, God will let him go to heaven.

Dostoevsky will die, and then he'll be finally good enough to stay dead. Forever.

𝐅𝐲𝐨𝐝𝐨𝐫 𝐡𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐬 𝐟𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐬 𝐩𝐞𝐨𝐩𝐥𝐞, 𝐬𝐨 𝐡𝐞 𝐛𝐞𝐟𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐝 𝐃𝐞𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐞 𝐁𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐠

Fyodor can still feel things, no matter how much he tries to hide it. We know where he channels his negative emotions (to sinners). But where do the positive ones go? Well, he dedicates them to God.

God is a time capsule for all the positive feelings that are still left inside Fyodor. They're too vulnerable, too tender, too childish to share them with humans. People will only trample over them and leave him empty.

But Dostoevsky still can't part with his sentiments. They give his heart a little jolt so it can keep living a little longer. So where can he direct them?

God is left as his only safe space for that.

Fyodor treats the concept of God like a coffer, where he can store his dreams from the earlier days. All of his hopes, aspirations, fantasies are better be locked inside the God's chest. Since God is the only one occupying Fyodor's brain, he'll keep them safe.

Devine being became a target for Fyodor's affection because He can't reject or hurt Dostoevsky in any meaningful way. It's left up to Fyodor's mind to imagine God as he likes. And so he does it.

God becomes not only a symbol to thrive for, but also a companion that helps him to cope with the loneliness.

God accepts all the Fyodor's needs humanity haven't fulfilled. His agonizing idealism, his need for deep understanding of his soul and a connection that makes him feel at home.

Surely, during the centuries of Fyodor's life, he came close to forming a bond with people at least a few times. But the process of separation was so painful, Dostoy decided it wasn't worth it anyway.

His failure to organically morn the end of his relations led to his fatal inability to reattach once again. Fyodor mistrusts new people in his life: he compartmentalizes them, puts on labels, and tries to keep every interaction under control.

The only one who can relate to this mindset is Bram, but even he is able to break away from it because of Aya. Stoker risks taking interest in the girl and then sacrifices his life for her. Now Bram's time is no longer frozen in place, he's moving forward, his character progresses.

But Fyodor is too overwhelmed with his feelings and memories that have never healed. He probably thinks that even a small bit of a emotional pain will break him entirely. So even if someone comes to Dostoevsky, waving a friendship flag in the air, Fyodor will shut down to keep them away.

This is what happened with Gogol. Nikolai wanted to be friends with Fyodor. But Dostoy never showed him any of his deeper emotions. By hiding all personal information, Dos-kun maintained a distance between himself and a jester. So the later couldn't reach out to and comfort Fyodor even if he wanted.

Of course, there is always a chance that Gogol would use Dostoevsky's feelings against him. And Fyodor also probably thought about that, so he cut off that option entirely. Sadly, we'd never see where their connection could lead, if Dostoevsky chose to share with Nikolai his everything. Maybe, it would lead to an even bigger disaster, but perhaps they would be able to find some solace in each other.

Now Fyodor is too hurt to open up his soul. All the scars on it had fused into an armor, protecting him from caring about others. Dostoevsky's soul became a shell, impenetrable from the outside. He made sure it would never change. His fortress. His prison. His mind.

Trapped inside of it, Dostoevsky still craved for someone to be there for him. Fyodor wanted a friend with whom he could converse without lying. He wanted a family. Maybe, he even wanted a lover.

Therefore, God was cast in all the roles that had been left vacant in Fyodor's life. And of course, Devine Being could fulfill them better than anyone. At least, from the Dostoy's perspective, his life was easier this way.

In Fyodor's story, God is a star of every relationship he still has.

God is almost like a friend, but he won't argue back or abandon him in pain. He won't make Fyodor feel inadequate by disagreeing with his perspective.

God is like a family, but he loves Fyodor unconditionally or at least His “conditions” are kinder than human ones. They're much more bearable than the rules Dostoevsky had to abide by when he was a child.

God is like a lover, but his love isn't physically “sinful” (whatever sexuality Fyodor has, it's very morphed and repressed). Devine being won't be put off by Fyodor's appearance and won't leave once He sees who Fyodor truly is.

God is like a teacher, but he doesn't have a hidden agenda and actually wants Fyodor to be better. God knows indefinitely more than Fyodor, so He can always share something new from His well of knowledge.

And of course, God will never change, die or choose someone else. He is always there.

It feels safe for Fyodor to love and admire someone who is so perfect.

And well, God can't disappoint.

Dostoevsky is disappointed in humans.

“They're sinful and stupid” — Fyodor says out loud.

“They're ungrateful and don't love me” — that part stays quiet.

“Maybe, nothing about me is lovable after what I've done”.

This thought quietly digs its claws into his mind.

Fyodor and his God. How does Dostoevsky see him? BSD analysis.

God is the only entity Dostoevsky seems to love genuinely. So I've been cracking my brain up about how Fyodor "experiences" His presence. What he imagines God as.

As a bright light? A warm embrace? What else?

One thing for sure: Fyodor's faith is strong. And I think that it's partially due to how many near-death experiences he had.

Some people report seeing visions of the heaven/loved ones/afterlife in the moment of dying. What they see differs from person to person, but it's often connected to the collective subconscious and has some religious undertones. In the moments like this brain's working overtime to increase it's gamma activities and problem-solve it's way out of death. It almost feels like dreaming.

I wounder, how many of these dreamy visions Fyodor saw. How many times did he fly through the dark tunnel towards the heavenly light and only to "woke up" in his new body? How many times did he come close to "attaining" God and then was pulled away into his earthly existence again?

It probably cemented his beliefs in Paradise, and the fact that at least some people go there when they die.

Maybe, Dostoevsky's special ability has somehow influenced the way he views God too. And it's also shaped the way in which Fyodor eventually plans to "unite" with Him.

You know, Dostoevsky's whole gist is to get killed, then "fused" with his killer, replace them and then adopt some aspects of their personality?

It goes like this:

Someone kills him -> Fyodor respawns -> He absorbs some of the feelings of the person who tried to murder him before

It's an automatic response created by his ability. Dostoy lived through it over and over. It's probably imprinted into his subconsciousness.

And what's God? Traditionally, he's seen as all-embracing love, forgiveness and peace.

What if Dostoevsky thinks that if "God" kills him, he will get to experience all of this?

He will act so horribly and sinfully that God will try to kill him… Personally. Will he be able to "fuse" with God, using his ability? And become the "love, light, peace" he earned to experience for eternity?

Does it mean that "God's" presence will entirely erase Fyodor's personality and overpower him, so he would no longer have to be a sinner and an ability user?

Maybe, being "killed" by God is a way for Fyodor to return his soul to where it belongs.

Nikolai fought against God in order to lose the sight of himself.

Fyodor fought for God in order to become one with him. And probably lose the sight of himself as well.

It's interesting, how they have similar goals of self-erasure, but go about them in the opposite ways.

No wounder Gogol thought of them as besties.

Thank you for peeling off one of Nikolai's masks! Your view of what's behind it is wounderful.

I mean Nikolai is "silly" but he is so incredibly intelligent. And I enjoyed seeing framework behind his intentions.

So basically Nikolai tries to remove one of the core aspects of his personality, because he has grown sick of it? I love it!Gogol always craves "newness" and "new highs", so being stuck with "one self" means always getting repetitive outcomes that makes him feel stagnant / numb inside.

And Nikolai's go-to solution is to get rid of "him" bit by bit. Like he tries to review core aspects of his personality (what his "self" is made of) and then destroy them.

It's also based on his self-image, the way Gogol sees himself as. If he views himself as controlling and manipulative person, he will put himself in the position of someone who's "manipulated".

It's almost as if Nikolai punishes himself for his inability to change.

I wounder what's made him feel that he needs to discard his whole "self"? That his "self" is so entirely unfixable he needs to erase it? Maybe, it's something to do with his connections with others or the quality of bonds he used to create?

Nikolai obviously values "friendship" and his ability to experience closeness with another person. Something probably went very wrong in this area of his life, and it made Gogol think that his "self" and every aspect of it is worth nothing.

Maybe, because no one tried to reach out to him, he thought that it would be better of not existing? And than Fyodor came along.

So many questions! I want answers to them all 😤

Comprehending Nikolai Gogol; The True King

Regarding Nikolai' Gogol within Bungo Stray Sogs…

Incoming character analyzation which was inspired by my comments of a quiz on Quotev. Here's something: I may have developed a unique perspective on Nikolai's character.

Nikolai is perceived as a clown through and through. However, one of the biggest points in his personality is his longing for freedom.

For this, we need to define his version of "freedom", because from what I've observed, it's rather unusual.

Nikolai is unique in terms of his dynamic with Fyodor Dostoevsky. Why does he choose to be with Fyodor? What is his purpose in serving Fyodor?

To me, it simply doesn't make sense. Fyodor appears to be restricting Nikolai, as a result of Fyodor's very own ideologies binding him to his restrictive himanity. Nikolai standing by Fyodor, it's hardly freedom.

And, let's not forget that his clown persona is a mask. Similar to Dazai, Nikolai wears a mask to conceal his true self. Thus, we raise the question: What purpose does Nikolai's mask serve?

I believe that the mask conceals something. Like how Dazai has multiple personas to protect his vulnerability, Nikolai wears a mask to protect something.

So here, I've got word, from well, myself.

It hides his intelligence.

Nikolai is an intelligent man, capable of serving Fyodor, known as one of the two Kings of the Chessboard that is Bungo Stray Dogs.

With that being said, understand this: A royal attendant must be able to satisfy the King's needs.

Fyodor requires those who are capable enough to fulfill his tasks, meaning the intelligent. Nikolai is, naturally, capable. From this, we can conclude that he is more than what he lets on, and Fyodor knows this.

Then, it wouldn't be too far-fetched to say that Fyodor keeps Nikolai by his side, in order to control him even better, no?

This hints at Nikolai's true definition of "freedom", and we're almost concluding.

With Nikolai's intelligence, he is clearly aware of Fyodor's blatant attempts to control him. Yet, he continuously abides by the words of Fyodor. Why is this the case?

From my own experience, let me tell you this: When you've been controller for a long, long time, you grow to despise your role.

You wonder when your rule over your chessboard ends, you wish to break free.

Doesn't that sound like Nikolai?

He purposefully plays himself into the hands of Fyodor, letting Fyodor pull his strings as if he was a marionette.

Through this, he doesn't have to work as a manipulator anymore.

He sits back and allows strings to tug him into position, leaving his every move up to Fyodor's control.

And if he is controlled, he no longer needs to control.

Essentially, he breaks away from his control over the chessboard, detaching himself from his mind that only knows to manipulate.

Fyodor is his controller, he escapes through Fyodor. Yet, he's so much more than Fyodor is, logically and emotionally intelligent like a court jester.

In exchange for freedom, Nikolai serves the King.

Am I so wrong, to see that in Nikolai?

Nikolai sees freedom in being controlled by Fyodor.

Why did God abandon Dostoevsky & how Osamu Dazai can help Fyodor regain his humanity (bsd analysis)

1. Heaven out of reach

Dostoevsky firmly believes that every sinner should be redeemed, recycled and turned into a pure light ascending to paradise. Sadly, ability users are oblivious to their sinfulness. They're too stupid to die themselves. So Fyodor has to help. He's going to be the one to set them on the right path. They're all be in heaven soon enough.

But if Fyodor believes that he can send anyone to heaven, why isn't he going there himself?

He paradise as a savior, while fearing that his soul isn't worthy of salvation.

Fyodor is convinced: if he dies now, God will just cast him into oblivion as a punishment for what he's done. And to avoid it he has to “redeem” himself by “saving” others.

It's an endless cycle. What does Fyodor blame for being stuck in there? An ability that has been corrupting his mind for centuries.

So we have an interesting paradox: Dostoevsky believes that he can send people to heaven, but he himself can't go there (yet).

So what's so wrong with Fyodor's soul? (apart from committing thousands of crimes, of course).

Let's start with the belief behind his motivation: “All abilities are sinful without expectation”.

What's so bad with having a special skill? Why does Fyodor see them as bad and evil?

From Fyodor's perspective, every ability is an abnormality that defines God. A special skill could give its owner a chance they weren't meant to have in the first place. It goes against the laws of reality and God's plan.

It also creates a huge power imbalance between a skill user and everyone else. It gives them some extra “temptation” in the form of a power that's difficult to handle.

This cursed gift alienates a person, pushes them into isolation, makes it harder for them to relate to others. All because a special ability changes the way it's user perceives reality with everyone in it. It morphs their world view, leading them away from humanity.

And heaven is created for humans and maybe other pure animal souls. The “inhuman”, abnormal skill users don't belong there anymore. Their unnatural talents distort their very core.

At least, Fyodor thinks like that.

This is Dostoevsky's ideology in a nutshell: Special ability corrodes its user's humanity and makes them unworthy of heaven.

Where did Fyodor get this from? His own life experience and the pain he's been feeling for a very long time.

2. Fyodor's broken dream and how his ability ruined his self-esteem

Fyodor Dostoevsky seems like a person who's probably wanted to die early and become as symbol of his beliefs (that's why he has “clicked” with Nikolai Gogol so easily).

Maybe, an idea of becoming a martyr was alluring to him. Martyrs sacrifice their lives for something greater than themselves. After their death, they often become saints. They're worshiped and praised for being selfless, virtuous, and kind. They're considered beacons of light that lead everyone to paradise.

And become Fyodor is heavily influenced by an early orthodox Christianity, he has probably read a lot about the lives of saints. To the point he wanted to become one himself.

For someone, like Dostoevsky, who was most likely terribly unloved throughout his formative years, an idea of being loved, even worshiped, after death is very tempting.

So it's not a far stretch to say that Fyodor dreamt of becoming a martyr, and welcomed an early death as a ticket to paradise.

And well, you can guess, how it all turned out.

Due to Fyodor's ability, he can't die as a martyr at someone's hands. He can't clear his sins with his blood. That means, regardless of what he does, he won't ascend to Heaven or become a saint through the deathly suffering someone inflicts on him.

Of course, not all saints were killed by someone in a painful or brutal way. Some of them met a very peaceful end. But knowing Fyodor, he probably believed that the best way to get rid of his sins is to suffer and die.

And then, this plan didn't work out. Fyodor learned that he had an ability, that defies a death itself. So no matter what sins he committed throughout his life, he couldn't redeem himself by dying. He died, and died, and died. But he was unable to go to paradise.

Maybe, at first, Dostoevsky thought he had a “set amount” of lives, like cats that are supposed to have 9. So he probably got himself killed multiple times, but with no result.

At one point, it clicked in Fyodor's head:

What if he can't be accepted to Heaven as he is now?

What if it made Fyodor think that God found his soul so repulsive, he couldn't die during his first “death”?

Dostoevsky started fearing that God didn't want him, and therefore he couldn't meet his creator in the afterlife. Perhaps, Fyodor decided that his ability made him so unworthy, he couldn't even come close to God.

“Crime and punishment” postpones Dostoevsky's demise. It goes against God's plans and resets the time at which Fyodor has been “meant” to die. His ability is so unnatural, it distorts the death itself. Maybe, that's what angered the creator?

Even more so, dying humanizes people. “Everyone dies”. It's something everyone believes in. According to some Christian believes people live, die and then their souls get evaluated in order to be sent either to hell, heaven, or limbo. Except for Fyodor. He can't even face the trial. At least via his preferable way of dying.

What other ways of achieving death does he have?

It's either suicide, an accident or an old age.

I doubt that Fyodor would willingly kill himself by the poison injection or some other method. It's not that he doesn't want to. His suicidal ideation is pretty strong. But unaliving oneself is considered a sin in many religions, especially in the orthodox Christianity from the early days. And Fyodor is afraid of Hell and God's wrath.

Dying from a disease or an old age won't do either. Since Fyodor considers himself very “sinful”, he craves a redemption as big as the crimes he committed. Cue his dreams of being a martyr.

But if Fyodor just waits until his body gets old and dies, won't it mean that he's gotten an “easy” way out? Will God forgive him after that? Unlikely. He'll probably get stuck in limbo, somewhere in between, and he can't live with it.

So if Fyodor gets killed by his own body, he won't go to heaven. 'Cause he wouldn't repent for the sins he already committed.

The same goes with the death by an accident. Dying too early means not earning God's forgiveness. Plus, if an accident is caused by another human, he'll still get reincarnated into their body.

“No longer human” could apply to Dostoevsky so well. How can he be human if he can't experience death like everyone else?

Wouldn't it mean that he was already marked as a “worst sinner of all” even before he was born?

Dostoy probably thinks that he isn't worthy of Heaven YET, or he hasn't done enough to earn his place there. For centuries, no one has been able to give Fyodor the gift of “absolute silence” (death).

So Dostoevsky didn't die as a martyr = didn't purify himself= couldn't ascend to Heaven.

It doesn't seem that Fyodor wants to live. He is exhausted, angry and almost lucid. But his consciousness clings to one idea: that all of this will get better, if he just “removes” his ability from himself.

This is why Fyodor is also afraid of dying NOW, before he can pull off his world-changing plan.

Dostoevsky thinks that until he'll get rid of his ability, he won't be accepted into Paradise. He is terrified that if he dies without removing “Crime and punishment” he will be doomed to endless suffering.

So he wants to make a sacrifice. He'll sacrifice what's left of his humanity, sanity and any personal connections. He'll erase any traces of desire for comfort and salvation by life, not by death.

His place on Earth will be sacrificed for his place near God.

That was his plan all along.

But then… Dazai came.

3. Osamu Dazai is what Fyodor can be if he gives a chance to his humanity

Dazai did what he does best: intervened with the plans and mixed up everything else.

Now Fyodor's sinful ability could be erased by the touch that wasn't God's at all. Now he could be killed by another human being. Now he could risk dying and seeing what was on the other side.

But Dostoevsky was terrified. After so many centuries of avoiding death, it almost became a reflex.

The more Fyodor lived, the more he sinned, the more he got scared of would happen to his soul in the end. And as a result, he became even more attached to his plan of “earning God's forgiveness by purifying the mankind”.

But then Dazai entered the scene and introduced Fyodor to another side of God, a side he used to overlook for so long.

Dazai believed in another version of a Devine being. And his was far more realistic and convincing. The God that Osamu envisioned was different. He was forgiving, messy, humane, and capable of change.

And of course, Fyodor could use his favorite trick to debunk this belief. “He is too stupid to understand anything”. Only this ploy wouldn't work this time. Because Dazai was smart.

That's why, in Fyodor's eyes, Osamu was so disgusting. He was intelligent enough to be different from everyone else, but somehow it didn't cause him to feel the same isolation Fyodor had to suffer through for all these years. At least in the present days, Dazai had friends, colleges, and aspirations. And he was capable of winning their chess game over and over again.

This made Dostoevsky's core belief shake up a little bit.

Did Heaven really exist? Did Fyodor choose the right pass to get to it?

Dazai made him doubt the way he acted. That's why Dostoevsky was so angry. Osamu threatened his faith. That was unforgivable.

Feeling cornered, Fyodor threw every bit of the intellect he had to destroy the agency and the bandaged man.

If Fyodor won, it would mean he was right all alone.

And if he didn't… He would die as a sinner, unloved by the very God he sought.

Impossible.

4. Two Gods and one desire: to reunite with a humankind

Fyodor says that God is a perfect, intangible being that loves ideally planned things. To be like him, one needs to be objective, emotionless, and prepared to discard everything for the greater purpose.

Dazai says that God is humane, imperfect and made of everyone's desires and emotions. Therefore, to be like him one needs to be a human to the best of their abilities.

Fyodor craves the love that Dazai's God can give him. He secretly wants all the imperfect, fun, messy things that can give his life a meaning. But humanity scares him. It's too unpredictable, wild, and difficult to control.

So human God terrifies him to the core.

It's a tragic a case of “want this, but need that”. Fyodor chases God, but craves humanity.

Dazai had to learn how to be human, and Dostoevsky could do it too. But Fyodor is too stuck in his ways to see another perspective. He doesn't know how to change, so he pretends not to care.

Until all the Fyodor's defenses will be completely demolished and broken down, he won't even allow himself to change his mind.

Maybe, his salvation will happen through death.

But it doesn't have to be this way.