Fyodor Dostoevsky Bsd - Tumblr Posts

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BSD 108 DAMN I FELL IN LOVE WITH HIM AGAIN

BSD 108 DAMN I FELL IN LOVE WITH HIM AGAIN

Dying to stay alive. Why does Fyodor Dostoevsky enjoy being killed on purpose? Bsd analysis

Why Dostoevsky looks so young despite living for centuries? I think it's because he often gets killed. He literally has no time to age.

His skin care routine is being murdered every year or so. Maybe, even more often.

Fyodor CAN age, he isn't immune to it. He isn't immortal. He's ability isn't about eternal youth. He can get gray hair and wrinkles. But he doesn't. Dostoevsky looks almost identical to how he's been when he's met Bram centuries ago (minus a scar and an outfit). So why is it?

Let's assume that the physical "age" Fyodor naturally gains can be transferred to the new body he enters. And the only things that get "erased" are traces of harm left by someone else (bruises, cuts, scars, etc.)

Let's pretend that we know Fyodor's "biological" age. And it's 20. (That's just an assumption for this example!)

It would go like this: Fyodor's biologically 20. He lives until his 22, than gets killed. His "new" body will have the age of 22. Then he lives until he's 26 and dies unnaturally. He's biological age in the new body is gonna be 26.

And so on and so on. It means both his appearance and physic will gradually change. But we see NONE OF THAT. Present Fyodor is almost a twin copy of Fyodor from the past.

It means that Dostoevsky has never lived longer than a couple of years max without dying and respawning into a new body. He probably dies quit often and can't even get old enough because he simply doesn't have time.

Maybe, he has some mark on his calendar: "Need to die every year to keep my body young and relative healthy". And it's a strategy and nothing else. But I feel like there is more to that.

Dostoevsky probably enjoys the thrill of death (or near death) experience for various reasons.

People sometimes describe Dazai as a "suicide-addict", but THIS is a new level of it. These two share a hobby of trying to die often. But Dostoevsky not just tries. He dies. Fyodor's way of getting a rid of his stress is being brutally murdered by someone else. I wounder, if Dazai knew it how it would make him feel? To find out that Fyodor is drawn to death in the same way that he is? We'll find out eventually.

Dostoevsky meticulously got himself killed probably more than 300+ times or so. And, yes, sometimes it was work related incidents due to his plans. But he didn't HAVE to die so often, did he?

It honestly seems, that for Fyodor "dying" is just an extracurricular activity he does to pass the time. Some ppl go their friend's house to play video games. And Fyodor goes to someone's place -> dies there.

Maybe, Dostoy tries to connect with people by "dying" by their hands? When he transfers his mind into a new body, it makes him feel less lonely, somehow?

For example, Fyodor didn't have to break into Bram's castle and chat him up about demons. He didn't have to put his life on a line just to see how Bram would react to his musings about world-politics. He knew he would die, obviously. But he went anyway. Just to "catch a glimpse" of Bram (in his own words). And then, of course to get murdered. Did he hope that Bram would be the one to deliver a final blow? Did Fyodor secretly want to "posses" Bram's body from that long, long time ago?

You know how ppl joked about Fyodor's hobby being captured on purpose? Add "dying" to this list, asap.

He's reasons for overusing his ability to "reincarnate" are probably complicated.

A part of it is a need to escape/ease his guilt. Dostoy wants to feel like a martyr that has a right to commit sin. Maybe, it's his own self-punishment, a form of self-harm. He believes these short or long moments of agony "erase" the harm he does to others or, at least, balance it out.

On the other hand, Fyodor is still a human who wants to belong. But he spent decades in paranoia and isolation that affected him immensely. So now the only "true" connection Dostoevsky can create with someone is when he inserts his consciousness into their body. The flow of new feelings/goals keeps him distracted from himself and his bleak view of the reality. So he does it over and over.

Or is it just a boredom thing? Like living is such a drug he can't help but try to die?

Dostoy is too afraid/guilty to go to heaven right away so he passes time by adding bits of different personalities to himself. He has this semi-free subscription to people's agendas, he only has to die to access them. It keeps him entertained. Like a Netflix but he has to die to watch a "movie" from someone's POV, with their goals/emotions intact still.

Dostoy wants to pick up a new passion/hobby? No problem. He just needs to find someone who likes that particular interest, and than get murdered by that person. Then Fyodor can gain their insights into the topic (possibly).

I wish I could see the way Dostoevsky envisions humanity. It seems like he's both enmeshed with it to the point of losing himself and at the same time he's discarded by humanity and isolated from it.

It's such a mixed-up experience. No wounder Fyodor's mind is so… Bizarre.

Fyolai & self-care

Fyodor: Will you help me with my skin care routine?

Nikolai: No problem. What's your routine, girly?

Fyodor: Dying young. On a cross, preferably. Keeps me from aging, and I don't have to shop at Sephora for skin lotion.

Nikolai: Sounds delightfully horrible. When can we start? I'll grab some nails and wine.

Fyodor: I'm ready when you are. By the way, when we finish, you'll also be erased from your body, but not completely. Some of "you" will be fused with "me" for eternity. You will no longer be you and I won't have to be me. We'll be changed completely and never come back from it. You don't mind?

Nikolai: Never. That's sounds amazing! I always knew you were my true friend. You know my needs like no one else!

Fyodor and his God. How does Dostoevsky see him? BSD analysis.

God is the only entity Dostoevsky seems to love genuinely. So I've been cracking my brain up about how Fyodor "experiences" His presence. What he imagines God as.

As a bright light? A warm embrace? What else?

One thing for sure: Fyodor's faith is strong. And I think that it's partially due to how many near-death experiences he had.

Some people report seeing visions of the heaven/loved ones/afterlife in the moment of dying. What they see differs from person to person, but it's often connected to the collective subconscious and has some religious undertones. In the moments like this brain's working overtime to increase it's gamma activities and problem-solve it's way out of death. It almost feels like dreaming.

I wounder, how many of these dreamy visions Fyodor saw. How many times did he fly through the dark tunnel towards the heavenly light and only to "woke up" in his new body? How many times did he come close to "attaining" God and then was pulled away into his earthly existence again?

It probably cemented his beliefs in Paradise, and the fact that at least some people go there when they die.

Maybe, Dostoevsky's special ability has somehow influenced the way he views God too. And it's also shaped the way in which Fyodor eventually plans to "unite" with Him.

You know, Dostoevsky's whole gist is to get killed, then "fused" with his killer, replace them and then adopt some aspects of their personality?

It goes like this:

Someone kills him -> Fyodor respawns -> He absorbs some of the feelings of the person who tried to murder him before

It's an automatic response created by his ability. Dostoy lived through it over and over. It's probably imprinted into his subconsciousness.

And what's God? Traditionally, he's seen as all-embracing love, forgiveness and peace.

What if Dostoevsky thinks that if "God" kills him, he will get to experience all of this?

He will act so horribly and sinfully that God will try to kill him… Personally. Will he be able to "fuse" with God, using his ability? And become the "love, light, peace" he earned to experience for eternity?

Does it mean that "God's" presence will entirely erase Fyodor's personality and overpower him, so he would no longer have to be a sinner and an ability user?

Maybe, being "killed" by God is a way for Fyodor to return his soul to where it belongs.

Nikolai fought against God in order to lose the sight of himself.

Fyodor fought for God in order to become one with him. And probably lose the sight of himself as well.

It's interesting, how they have similar goals of self-erasure, but go about them in the opposite ways.

No wounder Gogol thought of them as besties.

Major furry alert!

WHAT IF FYODOR DOSTOEVSKY WILL BE KILLED BY AN ANIMAL?

How will it work out? Will he get reincarnated into an animal body, and it will turn into a human one somehow?

Or maybe, just maybe, we'll get some more interesting combinations? 😏 A hybrid? With one half-animal and one half-human part?

Also, will Fyodor get infected with animal habits or behaviors? Will he start craving grass or hunt for prey? Will he get a sudden urge to walk on all fours? Will he start sniffing stuff or make animal noises?

Just think about it. What if the one who kills Fyodor is an insect.

WHAT. IF. FYODOR. GETS. TAKING OUT… BY AN INFECTED MOSQUITO 🦟? (they transfer many diseases)

MOSQUITO FYODOR.

He goes Zzz for the crimes you did. You can't hide from him. No one's safe anymore. A true menace to the world.

Why did God abandon Dostoevsky & how Osamu Dazai can help Fyodor regain his humanity (bsd analysis)

1. Heaven out of reach

Dostoevsky firmly believes that every sinner should be redeemed, recycled and turned into a pure light ascending to paradise. Sadly, ability users are oblivious to their sinfulness. They're too stupid to die themselves. So Fyodor has to help. He's going to be the one to set them on the right path. They're all be in heaven soon enough.

But if Fyodor believes that he can send anyone to heaven, why isn't he going there himself?

He paradise as a savior, while fearing that his soul isn't worthy of salvation.

Fyodor is convinced: if he dies now, God will just cast him into oblivion as a punishment for what he's done. And to avoid it he has to “redeem” himself by “saving” others.

It's an endless cycle. What does Fyodor blame for being stuck in there? An ability that has been corrupting his mind for centuries.

So we have an interesting paradox: Dostoevsky believes that he can send people to heaven, but he himself can't go there (yet).

So what's so wrong with Fyodor's soul? (apart from committing thousands of crimes, of course).

Let's start with the belief behind his motivation: “All abilities are sinful without expectation”.

What's so bad with having a special skill? Why does Fyodor see them as bad and evil?

From Fyodor's perspective, every ability is an abnormality that defines God. A special skill could give its owner a chance they weren't meant to have in the first place. It goes against the laws of reality and God's plan.

It also creates a huge power imbalance between a skill user and everyone else. It gives them some extra “temptation” in the form of a power that's difficult to handle.

This cursed gift alienates a person, pushes them into isolation, makes it harder for them to relate to others. All because a special ability changes the way it's user perceives reality with everyone in it. It morphs their world view, leading them away from humanity.

And heaven is created for humans and maybe other pure animal souls. The “inhuman”, abnormal skill users don't belong there anymore. Their unnatural talents distort their very core.

At least, Fyodor thinks like that.

This is Dostoevsky's ideology in a nutshell: Special ability corrodes its user's humanity and makes them unworthy of heaven.

Where did Fyodor get this from? His own life experience and the pain he's been feeling for a very long time.

2. Fyodor's broken dream and how his ability ruined his self-esteem

Fyodor Dostoevsky seems like a person who's probably wanted to die early and become as symbol of his beliefs (that's why he has “clicked” with Nikolai Gogol so easily).

Maybe, an idea of becoming a martyr was alluring to him. Martyrs sacrifice their lives for something greater than themselves. After their death, they often become saints. They're worshiped and praised for being selfless, virtuous, and kind. They're considered beacons of light that lead everyone to paradise.

And become Fyodor is heavily influenced by an early orthodox Christianity, he has probably read a lot about the lives of saints. To the point he wanted to become one himself.

For someone, like Dostoevsky, who was most likely terribly unloved throughout his formative years, an idea of being loved, even worshiped, after death is very tempting.

So it's not a far stretch to say that Fyodor dreamt of becoming a martyr, and welcomed an early death as a ticket to paradise.

And well, you can guess, how it all turned out.

Due to Fyodor's ability, he can't die as a martyr at someone's hands. He can't clear his sins with his blood. That means, regardless of what he does, he won't ascend to Heaven or become a saint through the deathly suffering someone inflicts on him.

Of course, not all saints were killed by someone in a painful or brutal way. Some of them met a very peaceful end. But knowing Fyodor, he probably believed that the best way to get rid of his sins is to suffer and die.

And then, this plan didn't work out. Fyodor learned that he had an ability, that defies a death itself. So no matter what sins he committed throughout his life, he couldn't redeem himself by dying. He died, and died, and died. But he was unable to go to paradise.

Maybe, at first, Dostoevsky thought he had a “set amount” of lives, like cats that are supposed to have 9. So he probably got himself killed multiple times, but with no result.

At one point, it clicked in Fyodor's head:

What if he can't be accepted to Heaven as he is now?

What if it made Fyodor think that God found his soul so repulsive, he couldn't die during his first “death”?

Dostoevsky started fearing that God didn't want him, and therefore he couldn't meet his creator in the afterlife. Perhaps, Fyodor decided that his ability made him so unworthy, he couldn't even come close to God.

“Crime and punishment” postpones Dostoevsky's demise. It goes against God's plans and resets the time at which Fyodor has been “meant” to die. His ability is so unnatural, it distorts the death itself. Maybe, that's what angered the creator?

Even more so, dying humanizes people. “Everyone dies”. It's something everyone believes in. According to some Christian believes people live, die and then their souls get evaluated in order to be sent either to hell, heaven, or limbo. Except for Fyodor. He can't even face the trial. At least via his preferable way of dying.

What other ways of achieving death does he have?

It's either suicide, an accident or an old age.

I doubt that Fyodor would willingly kill himself by the poison injection or some other method. It's not that he doesn't want to. His suicidal ideation is pretty strong. But unaliving oneself is considered a sin in many religions, especially in the orthodox Christianity from the early days. And Fyodor is afraid of Hell and God's wrath.

Dying from a disease or an old age won't do either. Since Fyodor considers himself very “sinful”, he craves a redemption as big as the crimes he committed. Cue his dreams of being a martyr.

But if Fyodor just waits until his body gets old and dies, won't it mean that he's gotten an “easy” way out? Will God forgive him after that? Unlikely. He'll probably get stuck in limbo, somewhere in between, and he can't live with it.

So if Fyodor gets killed by his own body, he won't go to heaven. 'Cause he wouldn't repent for the sins he already committed.

The same goes with the death by an accident. Dying too early means not earning God's forgiveness. Plus, if an accident is caused by another human, he'll still get reincarnated into their body.

“No longer human” could apply to Dostoevsky so well. How can he be human if he can't experience death like everyone else?

Wouldn't it mean that he was already marked as a “worst sinner of all” even before he was born?

Dostoy probably thinks that he isn't worthy of Heaven YET, or he hasn't done enough to earn his place there. For centuries, no one has been able to give Fyodor the gift of “absolute silence” (death).

So Dostoevsky didn't die as a martyr = didn't purify himself= couldn't ascend to Heaven.

It doesn't seem that Fyodor wants to live. He is exhausted, angry and almost lucid. But his consciousness clings to one idea: that all of this will get better, if he just “removes” his ability from himself.

This is why Fyodor is also afraid of dying NOW, before he can pull off his world-changing plan.

Dostoevsky thinks that until he'll get rid of his ability, he won't be accepted into Paradise. He is terrified that if he dies without removing “Crime and punishment” he will be doomed to endless suffering.

So he wants to make a sacrifice. He'll sacrifice what's left of his humanity, sanity and any personal connections. He'll erase any traces of desire for comfort and salvation by life, not by death.

His place on Earth will be sacrificed for his place near God.

That was his plan all along.

But then… Dazai came.

3. Osamu Dazai is what Fyodor can be if he gives a chance to his humanity

Dazai did what he does best: intervened with the plans and mixed up everything else.

Now Fyodor's sinful ability could be erased by the touch that wasn't God's at all. Now he could be killed by another human being. Now he could risk dying and seeing what was on the other side.

But Dostoevsky was terrified. After so many centuries of avoiding death, it almost became a reflex.

The more Fyodor lived, the more he sinned, the more he got scared of would happen to his soul in the end. And as a result, he became even more attached to his plan of “earning God's forgiveness by purifying the mankind”.

But then Dazai entered the scene and introduced Fyodor to another side of God, a side he used to overlook for so long.

Dazai believed in another version of a Devine being. And his was far more realistic and convincing. The God that Osamu envisioned was different. He was forgiving, messy, humane, and capable of change.

And of course, Fyodor could use his favorite trick to debunk this belief. “He is too stupid to understand anything”. Only this ploy wouldn't work this time. Because Dazai was smart.

That's why, in Fyodor's eyes, Osamu was so disgusting. He was intelligent enough to be different from everyone else, but somehow it didn't cause him to feel the same isolation Fyodor had to suffer through for all these years. At least in the present days, Dazai had friends, colleges, and aspirations. And he was capable of winning their chess game over and over again.

This made Dostoevsky's core belief shake up a little bit.

Did Heaven really exist? Did Fyodor choose the right pass to get to it?

Dazai made him doubt the way he acted. That's why Dostoevsky was so angry. Osamu threatened his faith. That was unforgivable.

Feeling cornered, Fyodor threw every bit of the intellect he had to destroy the agency and the bandaged man.

If Fyodor won, it would mean he was right all alone.

And if he didn't… He would die as a sinner, unloved by the very God he sought.

Impossible.

4. Two Gods and one desire: to reunite with a humankind

Fyodor says that God is a perfect, intangible being that loves ideally planned things. To be like him, one needs to be objective, emotionless, and prepared to discard everything for the greater purpose.

Dazai says that God is humane, imperfect and made of everyone's desires and emotions. Therefore, to be like him one needs to be a human to the best of their abilities.

Fyodor craves the love that Dazai's God can give him. He secretly wants all the imperfect, fun, messy things that can give his life a meaning. But humanity scares him. It's too unpredictable, wild, and difficult to control.

So human God terrifies him to the core.

It's a tragic a case of “want this, but need that”. Fyodor chases God, but craves humanity.

Dazai had to learn how to be human, and Dostoevsky could do it too. But Fyodor is too stuck in his ways to see another perspective. He doesn't know how to change, so he pretends not to care.

Until all the Fyodor's defenses will be completely demolished and broken down, he won't even allow himself to change his mind.

Maybe, his salvation will happen through death.

But it doesn't have to be this way.

Dostoevsky's origin story: the first time he didn't die, and the Demon was born

Imagine Fyodor Dostoevsky, young and alone. He is religious. He's faith is his light, he uses it as a compass to navigate through the everyday uncertainty. There are no adults to tell him what's right or wrong. Even if they do, their judgment is tampered with selfish cruelty.

Every so often, Fyodor wonders what makes him so different from other kids. Why is everything that he does is met with cold disdain? Even if he mimics other kids' behavior, adults still see him as a threat. Dostoevsky can't remember doing anything so irreparable that could upset them. But no matter how he tries, the only response to his efforts is disgust.

Maybe, he isn't meant to be loved. At least, right now.

If the family isn't ready to accept him, Fyodor starts looking for the meaning elsewhere. The bible clearly says to honor your parents. But how can he do that if they're so uncaring? Unless this is how it should be, and it's all God's plan.

The older Fyodor grows, the more he forces himself to look past his limited sensations, experiences, feelings. There must be more to the bruises, scars, aches in the stomach, cold sleepless nights. They're all a part of something he has to discover with his mind.

A meaning. He'll grasp it with his bloody fingertips and hold it until they finally feel warm. Until pain in his body will bother him no more.

Eventually, Dostoevsky realizes: it's all part of a trial.

The holy book was right about his parents. He has to respect them for all the efforts they've put in to teach him about pain. They relentlessly test Fyodor's resolve, strengthening his belief in God. They prepare him to become one of his most righteous servants.

This realization helps Dostoevsky cope with everyday struggles. Abuse paired with neglect becomes less painful, when he sees them as a part of a training. They're just shaping him to become better: less attached to his body, no more worried about his earthly life.

When Fyodor finally departs from home, he believes that he knows what God has for him in store. A painful life on earth as a path to Heaven. But still, he sometimes catches himself praying for better days, even knowing, he shouldn't selfishly desire them.

But that's alright. Because Heaven exists. One day, Dostoevsky will be there. He should be grateful for his place in Paradise, the one that's been promised to Fyodor through the suffering God has bestowed.

The only thing is left is to wait for a signal of departure. A moment, when God will call for him, and he'll gladly place his life on the altar.

And then this time comes.

Dostoevsky never forced himself to be careful about who or how he confronted. He was almost curious about which sinner would be the one to lead him to the martyrdom.

Fyodor lived from one plan to another, taking a corrupt society apart, making sure no sin would ever be overlooked or forgotten. He even forced himself not to fear skill users. They were demons all the same, albeit their abilities were quite flashy.

Dostoevsky occasionally wondered what would it feel like to have one of their powers? Maybe, he could enact a bigger change. But he tried to erase thoughts like that. His body, even at its weakest, was still made in God's image. He shouldn't wish any changes or distortions upon this form. Unless, he wanted to be cursed and abandoned by God.

Eventually, Dostoevsky picks an opponent who he can't defeat. He knows it, but the fight is still worthy of risk. He tries his hardest, but that's still not enough.

When a dagger is plunged into his heart, Dostoevsky locks eyes with the enemy and realizes: they're terrified. He almost smiles. His body will die, but the words he has said will hunt them forever, until the end of their days.

Fyodor's chest hurts unbearably, but that's a satisfying finale. His body is screaming its goodbye, but his soul feels lighter. Soon, pain won't be able to claw itself into his flesh. He's waited for it for many years. He's prepared. Is it happiness?

Despite that, part of Fyodor wishes he could stay alive longer, so he could continue his servitude to God. It's a sinful thought. If this moment is meant to be his last, he should comply.

There is so much more to a soul than a life on Earth. The endless beauty of light, the vast landscapes of paradise. Fyodor is ready to see them with his own eyes.

There is so much he'll never miss about his existence. All of his emotions: fear, desperation, grief. They're all soon be gone, caged in his dying body, away from his mind. God will take Fyodor's soul back. It will finally experience the touch of its creator. He will never be alone again. Soon Dostoevsky will be engulfed by a warm wave, leading him away from this reality. Fyodor welcomes a warm embrace of God, a being whose love is bigger than the Universe. He is ready to meet him.

But then He doesn't die. He opens his eyes in another person's body. He survived.

Fyodor almost feels relief, and is disgusted with himself for it. Does he really treasure his life more than heaven? Pathetic.

Dostoevsky lives on. He's forced to stay alive. He doesn't know what to think. Everything seems unreal.

A prolonged life. A second chance. For anyone else, this would be wonderful. A blessing. For him, it turns out to be a tragedy. An ultimate rejection.

Throughout his life, Fyodor was told so many times that he was “strange”, “not human”, “not like others”. But God wouldn't abandon him, right? That's what he believed in.

Now, looking at his new, freshly restored body, Fyodor started to wonder: what if he was the one who was wrong all this time? What if God didn't see him as a human at all? Even Judas died. But he could not.

Why couldn't he see heaven after working so hard to get there? Did he do something so terrible, even death couldn't accept him after that?

Dostoevsky spiraled deep into his mind, obsessively dissecting every bit of his identity. Which part of Fyodor was the one that doomed him to hell, to this earthly suffering forever?

There was only one answer. His special ability.

When Fyodor used to envision his path to Heaven, he calculated everything, except for that. He was simply unaware of being a skill user himself.

It was the most distinguishing element of his existence. The one that couldn't be overlooked easily. It was probably what others thought too, even without realizing it consciously.

“Crime and punishment”, this is how Fyodor decided to call that. It was so inherently inhuman it made others fear him, hate him, hurt him. They sensed that something was deeply wrong with him since he was a kid, even without knowing about his special ability.

This is why they pushed Fyodor away, even when he tried to help. This is why no matter how hard he studied the Bible, he was only a mere “Demon” in their eyes.

And they were right.

Dostoevsky's ability was a truly heretical curse. It dared to define God's plan and distort the time of death that was given to Fyodor by his Creator.

"Crime and punishment ". Like a ticking bomb with a set timer, like a festering wound ready to overflow with rot, it was always inside him, all along. It slept inside the body like a parasite. It curled around his heart like a snake, waiting for it's chance to poison his soul and cast him away from heaven.

Maybe, Dostoevsky always knew it too. That nothing he ever did was good. That's why he's so desperately sought God everywhere. As if trying to ask for forgiveness beforehand.

But could God ever give him that?

Fyodor's “gift” was with him since the moment he was born.

Did it mean that Fyodor had been the “worst sinner who ever lived”? Was he marked as such during the very first second of his life?

Yes, it was probably that.

Everything about Fyodor, even his thinking and breathing, was repulsive. It was a crime. A sin. A disgrace, truly. And staying alive was the punishment he didn't dare to define.

And there was the only way out.

If he's already the greatest sinner, he has to become the greatest martyr, the one who'll make a sacrifice like no others.

Maybe, Fyodor will finally earn the God's forgiveness. God will gift him death, the one that'll reunite him with humanity.

But purifying his own soul won't be enough. God won't forgive him for such a small miracle. His life is barely worth anything. It won't change reality, if he just throws it away and allows his body to perish. He needs more than this to make a change.

What if he purifies all sins? If his ability is the one that's made him evil, made him unworthy of forgiveness, he needs to clear world of all special skills.

It's his responsibility.

It's the only way Fyodor can be forgiven for existing.

If he tries hard enough, God will let him go to heaven.

Dostoevsky will die, and then he'll be finally good enough to stay dead. Forever.

Asagiri said that Fyodor would gift his lover a country (or a land).

Do you know what country this would be?

A Promised Land 💀

Dostoevsky would literally send his loved one to Heaven. So he can reunite with them later. And anyway, if earth is such a horrible place, why would Dostoy want his lover to stay there?

By this definition, Fyodor has already "confessed" to so many people. Since he has murdered so much, maybe, he is poly? Who knows 🤔

Maybe, Dostoy wants to go to Paradise and have a harem there. So if he kills someone he fancies, this person's soul just teleports to heaven and joins other people Dostoy has "picked" to be together.

𝗪𝗵𝘆 𝗙𝘆𝗼𝗱𝗼𝗿 𝗶𝘀𝗻'𝘁 𝗚𝗼𝗱 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗱𝗼𝗲𝘀𝗻'𝘁 𝘄𝗮𝗻𝘁 𝘁𝗼 𝗯𝗲 𝗵𝗶𝗺

Fyodor isn't God. He can't be. He, himself, would absolutely detest an idea like that. Even if this thought came up in his head, he would immediately cast it away. Why?

Because Dostoevsky needs someone outside himself he can trust. Someone to whom he can reach out to and get reassurance, when he's confused, scared or hurt.

Fate didn't gift Fyodor loving parents or mentors. But he still longs to be protected, saved. Fyodor wants to believe that there is a Deity out there, who's looking out for him. Even if hundreds of humans want him dead, God will still include him in his plans.

Dostoevsky is painfully self-conscious of how not all-powerful he is. His body has a weak anemic complexion he himself sees as a disadvantage. Fyodor's probably been put through a lot of agonizing pain and pushed to his limits. That's why he is so aware of each of his human weaknesses, whether mental or physical.

Even Fyodor's intellect, the one and only thing he prides himself upon, isn't perfect. He can and does make mistakes. He has spent centuries on a goal that still only about to be fulfilled despite him doing nothing but chasing it.

And what happens when Dostoevsky can't do something? What happens when he messes up?

He turns to his Creator and says that it was a part of His plan. It's a trial. It's all included and aligned in God's mind. And if it's true, no pain or deaths were ever unnecessary. Dostoevsky just did everything as the God said. He can't blame himself.

Therefore, guilt can go away. Fyodor did nothing but follow God's plan. He shouldn't feel any regret.

𝐅𝐲𝐨𝐝𝐨𝐫 𝐡𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐬 𝐟𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐬 𝐩𝐞𝐨𝐩𝐥𝐞, 𝐬𝐨 𝐡𝐞 𝐛𝐞𝐟𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐝 𝐃𝐞𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐞 𝐁𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐠

Fyodor can still feel things, no matter how much he tries to hide it. We know where he channels his negative emotions (to sinners). But where do the positive ones go? Well, he dedicates them to God.

God is a time capsule for all the positive feelings that are still left inside Fyodor. They're too vulnerable, too tender, too childish to share them with humans. People will only trample over them and leave him empty.

But Dostoevsky still can't part with his sentiments. They give his heart a little jolt so it can keep living a little longer. So where can he direct them?

God is left as his only safe space for that.

Fyodor treats the concept of God like a coffer, where he can store his dreams from the earlier days. All of his hopes, aspirations, fantasies are better be locked inside the God's chest. Since God is the only one occupying Fyodor's brain, he'll keep them safe.

Devine being became a target for Fyodor's affection because He can't reject or hurt Dostoevsky in any meaningful way. It's left up to Fyodor's mind to imagine God as he likes. And so he does it.

God becomes not only a symbol to thrive for, but also a companion that helps him to cope with the loneliness.

God accepts all the Fyodor's needs humanity haven't fulfilled. His agonizing idealism, his need for deep understanding of his soul and a connection that makes him feel at home.

Surely, during the centuries of Fyodor's life, he came close to forming a bond with people at least a few times. But the process of separation was so painful, Dostoy decided it wasn't worth it anyway.

His failure to organically morn the end of his relations led to his fatal inability to reattach once again. Fyodor mistrusts new people in his life: he compartmentalizes them, puts on labels, and tries to keep every interaction under control.

The only one who can relate to this mindset is Bram, but even he is able to break away from it because of Aya. Stoker risks taking interest in the girl and then sacrifices his life for her. Now Bram's time is no longer frozen in place, he's moving forward, his character progresses.

But Fyodor is too overwhelmed with his feelings and memories that have never healed. He probably thinks that even a small bit of a emotional pain will break him entirely. So even if someone comes to Dostoevsky, waving a friendship flag in the air, Fyodor will shut down to keep them away.

This is what happened with Gogol. Nikolai wanted to be friends with Fyodor. But Dostoy never showed him any of his deeper emotions. By hiding all personal information, Dos-kun maintained a distance between himself and a jester. So the later couldn't reach out to and comfort Fyodor even if he wanted.

Of course, there is always a chance that Gogol would use Dostoevsky's feelings against him. And Fyodor also probably thought about that, so he cut off that option entirely. Sadly, we'd never see where their connection could lead, if Dostoevsky chose to share with Nikolai his everything. Maybe, it would lead to an even bigger disaster, but perhaps they would be able to find some solace in each other.

Now Fyodor is too hurt to open up his soul. All the scars on it had fused into an armor, protecting him from caring about others. Dostoevsky's soul became a shell, impenetrable from the outside. He made sure it would never change. His fortress. His prison. His mind.

Trapped inside of it, Dostoevsky still craved for someone to be there for him. Fyodor wanted a friend with whom he could converse without lying. He wanted a family. Maybe, he even wanted a lover.

Therefore, God was cast in all the roles that had been left vacant in Fyodor's life. And of course, Devine Being could fulfill them better than anyone. At least, from the Dostoy's perspective, his life was easier this way.

In Fyodor's story, God is a star of every relationship he still has.

God is almost like a friend, but he won't argue back or abandon him in pain. He won't make Fyodor feel inadequate by disagreeing with his perspective.

God is like a family, but he loves Fyodor unconditionally or at least His “conditions” are kinder than human ones. They're much more bearable than the rules Dostoevsky had to abide by when he was a child.

God is like a lover, but his love isn't physically “sinful” (whatever sexuality Fyodor has, it's very morphed and repressed). Devine being won't be put off by Fyodor's appearance and won't leave once He sees who Fyodor truly is.

God is like a teacher, but he doesn't have a hidden agenda and actually wants Fyodor to be better. God knows indefinitely more than Fyodor, so He can always share something new from His well of knowledge.

And of course, God will never change, die or choose someone else. He is always there.

It feels safe for Fyodor to love and admire someone who is so perfect.

And well, God can't disappoint.

Dostoevsky is disappointed in humans.

“They're sinful and stupid” — Fyodor says out loud.

“They're ungrateful and don't love me” — that part stays quiet.

“Maybe, nothing about me is lovable after what I've done”.

This thought quietly digs its claws into his mind.

𝐃𝐨𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐞𝐯𝐬𝐤𝐲 𝐝𝐞𝐬𝐢𝐫𝐞𝐬 𝐭𝐨 𝐛𝐞 𝐬𝐞𝐞𝐧 𝐚𝐬 𝐠𝐨𝐨𝐝, 𝐰𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐞 𝐝𝐨𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐛𝐚𝐝

Fyodor doesn't love himself. And what do people do when they feel like that? They hope to find someone who can.

But Dostoevsky craves a very specific type of love, the one which paints a halo over his head. One that's bright enough to outshine all of his sins. He wants to be seen as savior. As a good person, despite the deeds he's committed.

So Fyodor rejects all the other types of “love” he's been offered. He wants only an Ideal one and nothing more.

Because let's be honest, even people who are deeply devoted to him (like Gogol) don't see Fyodor as a good person. “Decay of ages is pure evil, that's why I joined it”—that's a paraphrased quote from Nikolai. Yes, he admires Fyodor with all of his heart. But whatever morality is left in Gogol realizes that Fyodor is pretty messed up and the things that he's doing are bad. But of course, in Nikolai's case, that makes teaming up with Dostoy even more attractive.

The only, and I mean only, person who seemed to see Fyodor as a holy savor was Ivan Goncharov. And for that to happen, Dostoy literally had to drive an ice pick into his brain. A lobotomy was successful, so Ivan thought that Fyodor was a god-sent on a mission to save everyone. And ironically enough, Ivan was one of the few subordinates Fyodor didn't set up to directly dispose off afterward. He is in jail, but at the very least, Dostoy hasn't arranged his assassination personally. In a way, he spared Ivan. Maybe, because the later admired him so much, and saw Fyodor in the way he wanted: as someone holy.

Makes sense. No one in their sound mind sees Fyodor as an Ambassador of Heaven. They see him as a Devil.

And that doesn't seem to bother Dostoevsky. Despite all of his frantic desires to change humanity, to create a ripple effect, to derail the course of history… He doesn't seem to give a single damn about what people think about him.

Who fulfills Fyodor's need to be valued for his intelect, his skills? Who helps him to stay on track, when no one notices his effort to make the world a “better place”?

Well, Fyodor has someone who reciprocates these desires. Someone, who sees him as a good person, striving to make a change. That entity is a God whose presence Fyodor senses in his head.

The God, as Dostoevsky envisions him as, is the only one who's able to see the goodness in his being.

Through the God's eyes Fyodor observes himself to find a meaning in his reality.

This why Fyodor so desperately insists that he's the only one who can understand and fulfil the God's will.

Because, without God, his only source of approval and validation is gone.

Nikolai talks non-stop, but Fydor is into it (?)

Fyodor: Impressive. Sometimes, I can't read your thoughts at all.

Nikolai: That's because I don't think before I speak! >:D

Fyodor: That makes sense. I can't pick up on what's not there.

Nikolai: Yes! Speaking on impulse is the only way I can silence my brain. Anyway, about your plan…

Fyodor: (I'll let him talk. Maybe, it'll help him quite down his internal monologue)

𝐃𝐨𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐞𝐯𝐬𝐤𝐲 𝐜𝐚𝐧'𝐭 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐡𝐢𝐦𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟, 𝐬𝐨 𝐡𝐞 𝐫𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐞𝐬 𝐨𝐧 𝐆𝐨𝐝 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭

Fyodor can't love himself through his POV. He can't tolerate his mind from his own perspective. Dostoevsky resents his being, his soul, and thoughts. They're tainted by Fyodor's self-judgement, disappointment in his results, unattainable standards, other inner struggles.

But then he imagines God, it's different. Fyodor takes a look into His higher mind through prayer, and sees light and warmth directed at humanity. That makes Dostoevsky want to be a part of it again.

Not in the present, though, where people are sinful and cruel. In the future. Fyodor will join the renewed, renovated humanity, freed from abilities, living joyfully in heaven. They'll all be loved by God, by each other and even by themselves. Forever. He wants to believe in that.

This is so beautiful 😭 The way you describe Fyodor's wounds, and how they bleed into his severe trust issues. Dostoevsky's self-isolation is so painful that God becomes his only remedy.

It made me think even more about how bonds are important in the BSD world. It's always a huge risk, but high reward. Dazai and Sigma relationships are a perfect example of this.

𝐅𝐲𝐨𝐝𝐨𝐫 𝐡𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐬 𝐟𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐬 𝐩𝐞𝐨𝐩𝐥𝐞, 𝐬𝐨 𝐡𝐞 𝐛𝐞𝐟𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐝 𝐃𝐞𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐞 𝐁𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐠

Fyodor can still feel things, no matter how much he tries to hide it. We know where he channels his negative emotions (to sinners). But where do the positive ones go? Well, he dedicates them to God.

God is a time capsule for all the positive feelings that are still left inside Fyodor. They're too vulnerable, too tender, too childish to share them with humans. People will only trample over them and leave him empty.

But Dostoevsky still can't part with his sentiments. They give his heart a little jolt so it can keep living a little longer. So where can he direct them?

God is left as his only safe space for that.

Fyodor treats the concept of God like a coffer, where he can store his dreams from the earlier days. All of his hopes, aspirations, fantasies are better be locked inside the God's chest. Since God is the only one occupying Fyodor's brain, he'll keep them safe.

Devine being became a target for Fyodor's affection because He can't reject or hurt Dostoevsky in any meaningful way. It's left up to Fyodor's mind to imagine God as he likes. And so he does it.

God becomes not only a symbol to thrive for, but also a companion that helps him to cope with the loneliness.

God accepts all the Fyodor's needs humanity haven't fulfilled. His agonizing idealism, his need for deep understanding of his soul and a connection that makes him feel at home.

Surely, during the centuries of Fyodor's life, he came close to forming a bond with people at least a few times. But the process of separation was so painful, Dostoy decided it wasn't worth it anyway.

His failure to organically morn the end of his relations led to his fatal inability to reattach once again. Fyodor mistrusts new people in his life: he compartmentalizes them, puts on labels, and tries to keep every interaction under control.

The only one who can relate to this mindset is Bram, but even he is able to break away from it because of Aya. Stoker risks taking interest in the girl and then sacrifices his life for her. Now Bram's time is no longer frozen in place, he's moving forward, his character progresses.

But Fyodor is too overwhelmed with his feelings and memories that have never healed. He probably thinks that even a small bit of a emotional pain will break him entirely. So even if someone comes to Dostoevsky, waving a friendship flag in the air, Fyodor will shut down to keep them away.

This is what happened with Gogol. Nikolai wanted to be friends with Fyodor. But Dostoy never showed him any of his deeper emotions. By hiding all personal information, Dos-kun maintained a distance between himself and a jester. So the later couldn't reach out to and comfort Fyodor even if he wanted.

Of course, there is always a chance that Gogol would use Dostoevsky's feelings against him. And Fyodor also probably thought about that, so he cut off that option entirely. Sadly, we'd never see where their connection could lead, if Dostoevsky chose to share with Nikolai his everything. Maybe, it would lead to an even bigger disaster, but perhaps they would be able to find some solace in each other.

Now Fyodor is too hurt to open up his soul. All the scars on it had fused into an armor, protecting him from caring about others. Dostoevsky's soul became a shell, impenetrable from the outside. He made sure it would never change. His fortress. His prison. His mind.

Trapped inside of it, Dostoevsky still craved for someone to be there for him. Fyodor wanted a friend with whom he could converse without lying. He wanted a family. Maybe, he even wanted a lover.

Therefore, God was cast in all the roles that had been left vacant in Fyodor's life. And of course, Devine Being could fulfill them better than anyone. At least, from the Dostoy's perspective, his life was easier this way.

In Fyodor's story, God is a star of every relationship he still has.

God is almost like a friend, but he won't argue back or abandon him in pain. He won't make Fyodor feel inadequate by disagreeing with his perspective.

God is like a family, but he loves Fyodor unconditionally or at least His “conditions” are kinder than human ones. They're much more bearable than the rules Dostoevsky had to abide by when he was a child.

God is like a lover, but his love isn't physically “sinful” (whatever sexuality Fyodor has, it's very morphed and repressed). Devine being won't be put off by Fyodor's appearance and won't leave once He sees who Fyodor truly is.

God is like a teacher, but he doesn't have a hidden agenda and actually wants Fyodor to be better. God knows indefinitely more than Fyodor, so He can always share something new from His well of knowledge.

And of course, God will never change, die or choose someone else. He is always there.

It feels safe for Fyodor to love and admire someone who is so perfect.

And well, God can't disappoint.

𝐍𝐢𝐤𝐨𝐥𝐚𝐢 𝐆𝐨𝐠𝐨𝐥 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐧: 𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐦𝐢𝐥𝐞𝐬, 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐢𝐭 𝐡𝐮𝐫𝐭𝐬

You know how cats can purr, when they enjoy stuff, but also when they need to sooth their physical suffering? Well, Gogol is the same with smiles. The more pain Nikolai feels, the more “smiley” he gets, until the agony becomes too unbearable and he breaks.

Maybe, Gogol has some subconscious belief that if he keeps smiling, things will turn out to be alright? Or, perhaps, he doesn't want to give another person the satisfaction of seeing his anguish. It all comes down to Nikolai wanting to prove to himself that he can enjoy anything, any kind of pain. That nothing is impossible for him.

Gogol even smiled after hearing that Dostoevsky was going to kill him. The only time he couldn't do it anymore was when he thought Fyodor was gone. It was the only instance, when Nikolai forgot how to do anything: move, laugh, speak or breath.

The mask of a clown was gone and there was nothing underneath, but a frightened kid, watching his friend being killed.

𝐃𝐨𝐧'𝐭 𝐚𝐬𝐤 𝐍𝐢𝐤𝐨𝐥𝐚𝐢 “𝐰𝐡𝐲”: 𝐡𝐞 𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐬𝐨 𝐦𝐮𝐜𝐡

Nikolai grins, when he hears: “Why are you doing this?”. Gogol pretends to answer this question with delight, not to show that he's terrified. Of what? Not having the answer to "why". He hates this word so much. It triggers his self-doubt, non-stop questioning of himself, everlasting mistrust of every thought that he has.

Nikolai feels a pit opening up inside his stomach. If they ask him “why”, it means his actions don't make sense. They don't understand the meaning behind his deeds. Maybe, it doesn't exist?

Gogol doesn't know “why” himself. Fyodor Dostoevsky gave him the answer he liked. But was it a real answer to Nikolai's “why?”. The doubt lingers, no matter how much he wishes it would disappear. Why is he like this? Will he feel better when he finds out eventually?