Supersonicob - POISON

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All of that right there.....above.....is something I wrote to my now ex as we were calmly discussing what happened between us and why I made the decision I did. And out of nowhere my mind goes in suuuuper deep and I came up with this metaphor to describe myself when it came to him. The more I go back and reread it the more it saddens me. And I feel depressed. Because it forces me to unintentionally think about my past relationships before him. And the fact this applies to AAAAALL my past relationships! This is how everyone treated me. I'm now believing that I was NOT cut out for the whole "so called love" thing because I see a pattern in all my relationships. Different faces, names, backgrounds childhood, life story and lifestyle....the end result once they became an adult remains the same. I was rejected by all of them regardless of how good I was to them. It wasn't enough, they were broken people. And acted like they didn't want the help to heal, they acted like they didn't want to get themselves right so they can be happy and enjoy life with me. So they ran. But I was the shiny new toy they didn't know how to take care of and handle properly. It's sad right?

As the 1st post I see as soon as I open the app from weeks of not really being on here.

heal. your mom may never apologize to you, because she has conditioned herself to believe that she did right by you. she hasn't healed. heal anyway. your father may never apologize to you, because he can only see what he's done right. he hasn't healed. your family members may never apologize to you, because toxicity is what they were raised on. they haven't healed. heal anyway. that "friend" may never apologize to you, because he/she isn't sorry. he/she hasn't healed. if/when they reach their healing, they may seek your forgiveness. be so healed that it won't even matter. heal for you. you owe yourself that much.

Soooo single yet again. Those couple of posts I made in the past about my so called boyfriend. The posts about how I felt so happy and I thought he was the one. Posting pics of the dinner he took me to. Only to end up breaking up today. I had to call it off because he showed me a side I did not appreciate. He turned out to be on the narcissistic spectrum. He has this huge problem with wanting to be right about everything! And if you disagree with him, he gets so mad he starts arguments then would ghost me until I came to him with the apology or find words that would squash the beef and to him it sounded like I was taking accountability for the argument/disagreement. One time he literally told me I wasn't allowed to have an additional input/thoughts/ideas on one topic we got into about what's the right thing to do if a someone with a gun comes to a school. Would you run away from the school when you think the coast is clear, or would you do what the school tells you to do and hide in the classroom and lock the door and turn out the light. I said I would run with my class if I saw the coast was clear. (I had two jobs that showed us tapes about safety if we were ever ambushed by a shooter. And it did say to run and then call for help.) But then I try to say "I see things from the schools prospective too, because what if something went wrong when your running with a classroom of kids....." until he cut me off and raised his voice at me and told me " No! You can't do that! You can't say you agree with me, but then try to side with the school.....etc etc" and we didn't speak for a day and a half because of that. To me that was a big red flag, this is coming from a guy who called his own friends stupid!!!!! So that told me that he enjoys vibrating on a SEVERELY LOW FREQUENCY. He prefers to hang out with people just the same because if he feels like he can be smarter than the people surrounding him in a room, then he feels superior. He watches certain shows he can learn from "like how planes and bombs are made" and shows about hospitals and surgery just so he can sound superior when he brings it up at a house party/get together. But the millisecond you try to simply add onto the conversation, to keep it going, he calls it "being argumentative"...🙄😑 so today I ended it completely with him. I can't be anyone's emotional punching bag, or for a male to make me feel like I'm I'm stupid, or crazy, or I'm not recalling pieces of information correctly. And when an argument does start then "it's me who always wants to be right all the time" this guy was literally draining me of all my positive energy. I have to protect my energy right?

I know I'm mature as hell. It took a lot in me to dump my guy today. But I know it was meant for the best, because I will NOT put a male over the most high God. A male who didn't even want to believe in the high power. I have morals, self respect my value and worth. I know when to throw in the white towel.

“Maturity is learning to walk away from people and situations that threaten your peace of mind, self-respect, values, morals and self worth.”

— Unknown

It NEVER CEASES to amaze me that whenever I'm feeling sad about something, and I'm just scrolling through a social media app, I ALWAYS see posts that's in alignment with how I'm feeling and it's message is uplifting.☺️

I have to repost this. Since I'm also practicing this as well.

Learn to Say Less Than Needed.

The less you speak, and the more conviction, authority, and calculation your words have when you do increases the value of what you have to say and your outer persona. The more you speak, the less your words are valued and the more you make yourself vulnerable to others.

This is something I'm practicing. Every thought that comes across our heads is not supposed to be vocalized. We should be curating what we say carefully and be strategic with our words. The power of life and death lies on the tongue, and a well-trained and sharp tongue can be a powerful weapon when utilized correctly.

From now on, every time I feel like oversharing, giving an opinion on a controversial subject, or about someone directly, I assess the situation and how my speaking my thoughts can affect my proximity to whatever I'm trying to achieve. It's all about being strategic.

Unfortunately, it's easy to give up to reckless speaking when everyone else seems to be doing just that - especially on social media. It's good to take a deep breath before doing the same thing as others, after all, more often than not we are not trying to emulate the ways of the common folk.